Today I got the little ones vaccinated

I went to the nearby Max Hospital. Nice clean place. The driver from the consulate nearby drove the car, so it was a great help. The vet said you three look like German Shepherds, no one could say you are stray dogs. One was less about 3.75 kg, one 4.5 and one 4.80 kg. A full kilo separating them :D.

I am so glad I've got this done. Such a relief. I could never bear to see you go the way the others did. I know, it would break my heart if someone took one of you, even if it meant your getting a good home. I can barely take care of myself, how could i take care of you properly. If you must be adopted, Lord, hopefully they will be nearby so i can see you from time to time. My dear little ones, you are a part of me. I have held you, I have looked into your eyes. What can I say.

I have looked into your eyes and recognized you. I have recognized you as a part of me, of my soul.

Your greatest gift

I think of the little ones all day long. How I love them. I look at their pictures and talk to them all the time. How I love what you have given me, Beloved Lord.

They are so naughty, wrestling and fighting with one another. What fine Lionesses they will become. It pains me to them back in their little place we've made to prevent them from running on the roads and getting run over. They make a racket and struggle to get out. What can we do ? The alternative is too dangerous. In a week or two, they will be hard to contain, and will be running around. That's when the real danger comes.

I so feel linked to them, so joined to them. We are one. If I have ever had any children of mine, these are them. Raja and these 3 and their mother, these are mine, My very own always. We are forever one, after this life we are united, never to be separated again. We are already one.

Three female Pups

Father

Your beloved little ones are doing well. Tremendously naughty and aggressive. We've hacked together a little thing to cover the drain so we can contain them, and they don't run around. I let them run around and do their business and play. Then when they've played enough, I put them back there.

I hate doing that since they want to play and run around in the open, but its too dangerous at present. They cry a bit and then settle down. The brown males has not been returned so i guess he's staying there. I hope one female can be adopted, managing 3 is tough. Two will be doable.

Life in a body is tough. Especially if the mind is still there. Father, I'd give all this away without a thought to be with you forever.

Love,
Me.

Pup returned, another adopted

The folks from the Dubai embassy who took one black female quietly dropped her back the next day. She must have cried all night. We found her crying a few houses away. So we were back to four. Someone was to take the brown one but didn't. The mistri (carpenter or something) who had promised to take the brown one has. Don't know for how many days.

Yesterday I talked to the contractor of the building opposite if he could help us do something so we could contain the pups in that area. Today he did not come. In the evening I asked one person if he had some spare material that we could use. Immediately others came and began helping. We've covered the ditch with some wood and blocked the side with a stone. Not great since its dark inside. Tomorrow I'll see if the contractor can get us some grill like thing to cover the ditch with, so its not dark.

One black pup has been adopted

Today, a car had come to drop gifts at the consulate opposite where the pups are. Someone put a black pup into the back and the car was parked on the side. I stopped our car, and had a word with them. They were from the embassy of Dubai. Seems it is far away from here, so I will not see the dear one again. The driver said they would get her vaccinated etc. They live "on a floor" perhaps meaning not a full bungalow or independent unit. Not ground.

So that means one little one has found a home.Spoke with the lady from the consulate about getting a speed breaker put and some kind of fencing for you little ones so you don't keep running on the road.

My little babies - how madly I love them

Dear Lord

What is this you have given me!!! They are so so incredibly sweet and lovable. When i pick them up and hold them, and look into their eyes, and they look searchingly into mine, I am in heaven. They must wonder who this is, who loves them so much and who keeps telling them he loves them more than anything in the whole universe... who keeps telling them that there is nothing in the whole universe that compares to them.

There really is nothing, Father, nothing you ever created that compares to my little babies, the babies that you gave me. What good have I done to deserve such infinite grace. I am madly in love with whatever you have given me. The little ones, their mother, Raja, and the previous litter that are now with you.

Please help me in one respect. Tell me, guide me, so I may find a place where they can grow a little bigger. They are in great danger of being run over. Every day is a miracle, to find them still alive. Every day i am told one got grazed by a car. I do not have the ability to think of a solution, they must survive. Please guide me. Please tell me how I can save them.

Of the last litter of six, four were run over, and two died of distemper. Only one run over case we saved, my beloved Raja who is almost a year old now. Your precious little ones, your finest creation must survive, Father, they must live, when I touch them there is not greater experience in the universe.

The beautiful litter

The four are still there. Someone came and took one, returned it, took another returned it, then took the brown one, returned that too. I am told a "mistri" at the opposite house will take the brown male.

What joy I feel when I pick them up. I keep going every couple hours to feed them. I just went. They were all outside with their mother. The moment I approached, they left her and came running to me. One day this immense joy will be a distant memory. Yesterday, we went to Niz and drove past where our earlier house was. I saw Chhota there. Sitting outside C-70 with his black friend. He looks amazingly like our Raja. I wondered whether I would feel anything if I got off the car and went to him. Less than 3 years back, when I dropped him back, I had wept sitting in the car.

Will these all be forgotten soon. After all, the pups of the previous litter who all died, are also faint memories.

Through all this, I still don't know what I am doing in this body. It's becoming very cold here, sooner than usual. Body is freezing. What do i get out of all this ? And what could I possible get from anything anyway?

Father, I wait for you. I wait for you, reality.  I wait for you, O Self.

Such beloved little ones, my children

When I pick them up, when i see them, when I hear their little whines, I know they are mine. You are my little ones. My beloved little ones.

I love you soooo much, i cannot tell you. Is there any difference in us. All day long i was trying to feed you little chaps so you would not go running onto the road. I went earlyish (if 8:30 can be called early), expecting to see not one survived, but all four were there alive.

I fed you, when you ate no more, i force fed you just for good measure. At lunch time i think i went back with leftovers. At 4:30 i got a packet of milk and a loaf of bread and kept going and feeding you every couple of hours. I must get 2 packets so i can feed Raja and the mother properly. I've been giving Raja's share to the little ones, so he's been left starving.

I just went to give them a last feed. Two can out and touched some milk and went back in. So i gave a lot of bread doused in a little milk to both Mother and Raja. Thank you Father, for keeping them ailve another day.

They are your children too Father, only you, only you could produce such lovable little creatures. Only You my Lord.

Lord, your help is needed !

Mother is not feeding the pups. She keeps running  away and they keep chasing her. Onto the road which has very fast traffic. One of them got run over on one leg today morning. They are just a month old. Very small, have no sense.

There's no telling when some tragedy will happen. Please find a place for them, a safe place for them, a home or anything, so they can survive. I'll feed them more so they don't have to chase their mother. But we need to get them off the road. They are too small to know about traffic or anything.

They are delightful, the young ones. I love holding them. They are my children, Father. Please protect them.

Babies a month old and getting naughty

Today I spent a little time with my babies.
It had rained heavily last night so they were not to be seen. But in the evening when it was growing dark they were running about a car parked on the side. I got them back into their ditch and sat by them letting them gnaw my fingers. My little babies. Do they know I waited a month to see them? For a month I didn't know how many there were, and what colors.

How do they look? Just like me, of course. I can see it in their faces. Made for me. Those faces are made for me. I would recognize them anywhere in the universe. My own little ones. So I let them grow accustomed to my fingers.

Little do they know what a loving and lovely mother they have. And what a doting, devoted servant they have. Thank You, Lord, for this wonderful gift. I will love them and cherish them as long as they are here.
You always send me the best. How will I ever be able to thank you enough or repay you.

Mothers litter of 4

The other day I had my first sighting of the pups. It was quite accidental. Three are black and one is brown.
Absolutely lovely and healthy.

Day before I managed to get some pictures of them. Only three were out. They were struggling to get out of the ditch. One almost made it. I believe they have succeeded in getting out. Last night seems they were on the other side of the road. The guard there, told me he put them back today morning.

I don't know if they will survive on that road.
Link

Thank You, beloved ones for giving me the best

I don't even know how to put this any longer. You have consumed me so
completely. I live within you. My life lies within you. Do you even
know how much I love you, my child ?

Yes, you do. I know it is God who has taken your form to love me, to
show me what it is to love with a complete heart. It is God who is
here to open me up to the Universe through love. It is God.

How kind of You to come for me. How kind of You to heed my call. You
have done so much for me. And what have I done in return, nothing.
When I leave this body, I wish to return to You forever. And may all
beings return to You, too. Wherever I have to go, may I never forget
you, and what you have done for me. May I always serve You, kind
Father. May I never falter, may I never differentiate between your
children. May I never see bad or wrong in your children. May I see
only You and your love in all beings everywhere and serve them with
love and devotion. All living beings deserve that.

O Buddha, O Ramana, O Mother, how blessed I am to live in your lap.

Mother has delivered

I just went to feed her. After a lot of time she came out. A guard nearby told me that she has delivered. He had heard them crying when she was going in earlier. He told me "Can't you see her stomach has shrunk".
Anyway, so it did happen last night or today morning.  November 6th or 7th, 2011. Another litter.

No way i can see them since they are far inside the gutter. They may only be able to show their faces in a week or so when their eyes open and they are able to move. But that does mean if any of them die in their, no one will be able to move it away, it will rot inside with the others nearby. Anyway, she did have a little milk just now, so i am relieved. Raja ate nothing today. Was not interested.

I love you so much

I know this is beyond ridiculous, but this is how it is.
This was once a blog about my spiritual search. It's now become a blog about my love for Raja and his mother. She's in labour in the neighbouring lane, deep inside a ditch. He's snoozing on a sand dune outside my flat across the road. I look at him and am filled deeply with love, my whole being wells up into my heart.
All i can say dear one, is that i love you more than anything in the world. You are my very life. I love nothing as much as you. Suddenly you got up and began scratching yourself. Such innocence. Such pure unpolluted innocence.
Touching you on the head. on your neck is the most blissful experience I can think of. Never will I know anything like this ever again. I can only repeatedly keep thanking this universe for making me and you exactly as we are, so i could love you.

My life is complete.

Mother in a family way

You have been so kind, Universe. Nothing could be greater than what you have given me. Raja and his mother, our love for one another. Even now he sits outside my window, across the road taking a snooze on the sand dune.

But what is happening is that Raja's mother seems to be close to delivering. She's found herself a spot across 530. In the gutter, deep inside the covered area. I can't even see how far in she goes. I guess I will not even know when she has her litter. Till they start walking around. And once they start walking around there is the danger of being run over. However, we shall see what you have in store.

Recently one of the labourers across the road hit Raja with a brick. It hit him in the ear and his ear was injured. For many days he did not let anyone touch it or check. He would howl in pain. Thankfully, the ear is much better now. The cut is still there but almost healed.

I guess life will always be tough for Raja. Even today the other dogs nearby bite him. He has fresh bite marks everyday. He is loving and docile, approaches playfully and gets bitten. He never gives up. Anyway, now my thoughts are about the little ones who are about to enter this world. The dear little ones. How much i will love them. As long as they live.

This life has been totally worth it. There is nothing more i can ask for. The only wish left is to serve those in pain, those who do not know You, to serve all your children selflessly. I wonder whether i will ever have that privilege. Or will i continue to live selfishly.

All the little ones in the park going...

The four black pups in the park are all dead now. I suppose the first got distemper and then the others got it from him and died.

The two adorable ones I used to feed, who followed me around, one white and one brown ... I was told the brown one died. He was hardly eating when i saw him last. Today, even the white one did not take any biscuits from me. Someone in the tea stall told me even this one will go.

That leaves only the large 2, who are probably 4 months old, who jump on me a lot. But the dear little ones, all gone. So today I picked up the little white one thinking this may be the last time I am doing so. Spoke with him a bit and then let him down.

It's sad considering how much those poor people looked after all these pups and their mothers. All their effort and kindness in vain. But what really matters and what counts is the kindness in them, the compassion with which they served those needy animals. The seed of compassion is what matters.

God has surpassed himself

It rained heavily again today. The roads were flooded. After the water had abated, i came out to feed you both.
And after feeding you, I touched you and spoke to you both with love telling you that you were the most beloved of all creation. Yes, the ecstasy i feel when i touch you. It surpasses everything i have ever known. To me, God, these two are your finest creation. You have surpassed yourself (is that how they say it).

You have given me the greatest of your creation. They love me and I them. You could not have done better, I could not ask for more, Lord. I just ask that they remain protected. I know you are in them. I know I will outlive them, there will be many many years without them, when i will look back and remember them. Or maybe i will even forget them, knowing how my mind is now. Just like I have forgotten Sheru and Chhota. I can only ask that they do not suffer. And that they come to you after this life. And that we are united after this life. Thank you so much, God, for giving me the highest and the best. I hope I will be able to serve you well in this life, and not use this life for living selfishly or just lazing around.

Mother and Son update

Thankfully, the heat is over since a couple of days. Mother is walking around now, the leg is better. Same with Raja. Now I am just wondering whether I should get her spayed now, or wait for her to deliver in December and for the pups to grow up, if they survive, that is.

Knowing me, I'll take no decision and there will be pups. How I would love to hold them and feed them, as if they are my own little children. And of course they are. Your children are mine, beloved Mother.

I wish you would guide me, Lord. I am totally lost, although I love the love I feel. I want no more from you. But i need to serve you well. Currently I have no ability to make any decisions, no idea what to do. Let not this life be wasted, Father. Let me serve you well. Let me serve your children well.

Very tough days for us three

(iTunes: hachiko - the dog).

The last couple weeks have been very trying. First of all Mother went into heat. She's been bitten badly by one dog and is carrying one hind leg. The other hind leg is the one that was hit in January, and she's not put any weight on it since then. She's limpiing around and being chased by dogs. I've been chasing them away but how much can I. Often she wants to go to them. But then she has to fend them off since she can barely stand herself. All of them are so aggressive whereas she is so docile.

And then there is her 8 month son, Raja, even more docile and friendly. Unable to fight. He's caught in the midst of all this getting bitten all over. Now he's unable to put one front foot down either due to a dog bite (or being hit on the leg). One hind leg is already fractured and fused incorrectly so he can't put his weight on it.

I absolutely have to get her spayed as soon as possible. She spends most of her time lying under some car so that she is not disturbed. Raja has begun travelling around the colony to meet other dogs. All the others are very territorial and vicious and bite him. Yet, he keeps on trying to befriend them.  There was heavy rain for some days on top of all this. I just didn't have the courage to go the foresty park in all this. I went the other day. The two little pups (brown and white) are still alive although the dear brown one hardly eats and is smaller than the other, who is quite brave and aggressive.
The other two larger pups were ectstatic to see me and jumped all over me, wiping muddy paws all over my pants and shirt (both white).
The black female who had given birth to four pups... one black one was fine but the dark grey one was whining in pain with each breath. No one knew what had happened. I could have saved it's life. I had to just keep walking by. The mother was looking anxiously. The next morning that pup was lying dead there, the mother licking its tail wondering what had happened. (One other black one had been taken by a lady some days back). Don't know about the third. My biggest fear about going there is that the little pups follow me back. Then the other two larger pups follow me towards the 2 little ones, and their mother charges at them and bites them. One of the larger ones was nipping the white one too, I tried to pick up the white one, but he was terrified.

On top of all that is flat-neighbour in-fighting. They leave the gates open and then complain that the dogs come in because of me. They refuse to close the gates. There is no way I could live without Mother and Raja. What else is there? The only love and humanity i see in this world is in animals , particularly these 2. Humans are too obsessed with wealth and show and fame. There is no place for love where there is greed. And where there is no love, and where the pain of others is not felt as one's own, one will never see God. One cannot see You, O Mother with eyes tainted with desires.

And yet, Lord, I cannot thank you enough for all you have given me, which I assure you is not only the greatest gift you could give anyone, but you may have never given any others. Is it only I who sees you in all, and who sees Mother Earth or the Mother of all everywhere. Is it only I who see Her love everywhere.

This has all been very painful and yet amazingly beautiful. I would never trade it for something else. All the pain was required to melt me, or rather what was not me. What is sad is that the pain and suffering was not mine, it was another's. Mother and Raja suffered so much to bring me to see You in all things. And to see myself continuing in them.

Another litter on the way ???

Day before it was, after feeding Mother and Son, I went over to the park to feed the two little pups.
That shiny thin black dog was there prowling around. In the few minutes that I was away, the deed was done.
So I think by December we should have a new litter. My God, the worry, with the cars and everything, and then them following me around...

Did I mention that the black and white dog that was to give a litter, she gave it in a drain and they are all lost.

Have the last 2 pups returned ?

Those two dear little adorable little ones ... how they bark at me, nibble my feet and come running to me, chase me around ... I really wonder ... could it be the last two who died of distemper and parvo-virus respectively. The color, and the eyes. The eyes look so familiar, or am i just wanting this to be true. One was white with spots and one was completely brown all over. Exactly like these two. The only difference is that those 2 were female and these two are males.

I love them so much, my only worry is that they try to follow me back and that brings them onto the road. So i have to shake them off. I was thinking how blessed I am, so fortunate to be given this love by You, O Lord, O creator. You gifted me with a love that is so beautiful. A love with which I can love so many, I do not have to restrict myself. Wherever I go, there will be many children of yours whom I can love. I only ask that I be able to serve all your children completely, and well. Let there be no holding back. I feel so guilty and awful when I eat, knowing how many are children of Yours are going hungry.

They followed me around

Today, morning I saved a little milk from Raja and Mother's share and went to the park. Had to wake up the 2 little pups, they had it happily and then sat up in the tea stall. Their mother just watched quietly, did not wish to come and have some. But the other black and white mother came over from the shack and was looking hungrily at me. I felt terrible, that i had nothing for her. I promised i would get some biscuits later, but felt awful going away leaving her hungry.

Later, i did go with some biscuits and fed her.  The tea stall was empty today. I gave one biscuit to the 2 pups who were running amok in the park. They gave a few tiny barks, can hardly believe that they could manage a bark! I lifted them up both and put them to my cheeks. What joy. The brown one nibbled my ear a bit. The white one just looked about. Then they followed me all around the park (one complete round of the left section) for the first time. Finally, i shook them off. And they wrestled in the center.

How it aches to think of them all hungry there, and me eating properly. I just cannot enjoy anything, always think of them. Then as i went around to the other side of the park, I met the other larger pup, the B/W one who came up to me readily and played with me. His shy brother later met me, but as always was afraid, and refused to come close.

So now in the late mornings I do go to the foresty park for a brief walk. It helps me clear my head, and get into the present/I am. Although, of course I do keep having dog thoughts.

The other pups and a new litter

I have started giving a little something to the other pups too. The two pups (one brown and one white) come and bite my fingers, and bark at me. There are two mothers there now, competing. The black and white one is the daughter of the other one (brown). She gave birth to 4 pups a few days back. The new pups are now in the little shack, the two larger ones run around. Such a delight and joy to be with the little ones. I picked them up and put them against my cheek.
I so totally feel when i look at them that they are mine. If only these moments could be captured.
The two mothers are desperately in need of food. I feel so awful stuffing myself and thinking how even one morsel would mean so much to them. Whenever we buy something, i immediately think how many weeks of milk I could give them for that money.

I am so lucky to have this love for animals in me. It is such a blessing. It has made me feel so complete. This love is so beautiful.

Touching you

I cannot touch God, or my beloved Masters any longer.

But touching you, and your child is the greatest touch experience i can have, or have ever had. Putting my arm around you or Raja is my most cherished experience. How can i ever thank God or this universe for giving me this.
Mother, do you know how much I love you. And your dear child. How you have shaken my life. Turned me inside out.

One day this will end. Your life will be shorter than mine. A day will come when i will never be able to look into your eyes, look at your beautiful faces, or touch your faces and ears. I will pine for one more touch, one more glance, and rue the moments when i sat inside looking at your from the window. Or even this moment when i sit inside comfortably while you both sit in the sand somewhere.

I have loved before, I loved Sheru and Dolby with my heart and soul, but those were days when i was totally lost in the mind. This is the first time I have loved after the onset of the presence, and the breaking down of the controller. I therefore think this love is in a different league from any other. It is not a love where the false self keeps raising its ugly head. Yet, honestly, i am surprised that this kind of love is possible still. Such a deep personal love.

For all your simplicity, you are so close to God. For me touching you is touching God. Looking into your eyes, is looking into God's eyes.

I am the richest

I look at you both from my window. You both are sitting on the sand across the road, looking around listlessly. I wonder what you both think. And then i once again realize that i am the richest person in the world. The happiest therefore the richest. To have both of you, both of you to love, to have your love.

God sent me his most precious ones, his most beloved angels, to love me and take care of me. Nature or this universe created you both and me, us three for each other. Do you know how much i love this universe for creating you both, and giving you to me. Do you know how much i love and worship you both. Most precious of God's children! You love me and are mine forever. And i, yours. How fortunate am I. How I love you both. What could i have possibly done to deserve this, Lord. Does anyone else have this joy?

Or is it that everyone has this in some form, but they refuse to recognize it. Is everyone blind ? I certainly am not, Lord, O Mother and Father.

(ekhanubujhino playing on iTunes)

Raja sitting in the sand

It's so unfair. Raja is sitting on the sand dune in front of my house. I am looking at him from my window. He cannot see me in my window. He spends all his time looking at the gate below waiting for me to come out. He lowers his head sleepily for a moment, and then again raises it and looks at the gate.

Sometimes at night too I look at him from my vantage point, most beloved creature, and he can't see me. Some time back it looked like he was looking intently at my window, but then he looked away. Such a huge love affair between me and the two beloved ones. He often spends a lot of time at the gate trying to get in, waiting for someone to open it so he can come in and sleep in some corner. I wish he knew how much i love him and that i cannot take my eyes off his lovely face. Of course both mother and child know how much i love them, but not that i cannot take my eyes off them. Someone just went out of our house. Raja is looking through our gate to our door, to see who emerges. O beloved ones, I am not your master, I am your servant.

How kind this universe has been to give me the two of your, the Universe's greatest gift. (bhogaarati playing on itunes). O God, O universe, make sure i pay my dues to you before i depart, make sure i serve your wonderful creatures completely, leaving nothing, I long to serve you, beloved Mother Earth, beloved, kind, Universe.

An issue taking me out of awareness

Another ego attack, God what do i do. It's been raining lately and my two dear ones have been coming into our front-yard and sitting there. The top lady has complained, I told her to keep the gate closed. I told her i don't feed them here. They don't keep the gate closed, and someone or other leaves it open. The top floor lady has suddenly become very aggressive and belligerent.
Had it been anything else, I could have dealt, but anything to do with the dog's health or lives, or threat to them, and the mind goes hyper-active.

I have many things i could argue back with them, however, that would put me deeper into mind mode. I know i have to find the way using love and forgiving. At the same time, whatever happens I have to remain present. I cannot let the mind take over. the mind can only think of attack, of revenge, of retribution, of hitting back, of hurting...

Lord, help me stay in awareness, and help me do the right thing. I know that You will protect the dear ones. Everything is in your hands. I have only the illusion of doer-ship. However, i still somehow feel their lives are in my hands. I need clarity in this. I have to wake up in this life and asap, so i can serve you. i cannot tolerate this "self" mode, this "me and mine" mode of living.

Transformers 2

Went with D and I to see Transformers 2 (3D). Besides the headache that I got, I could not help thinking all the time that aren't these people conscious. How can they behave like this ? And this was pushing me into consciousness constantly. People so deeply identified with their bodies, and living completely through that misidentification. So bleak it is for humankind. Lord, will humanity ever wake up. Or will they destroy themselves first ?

It is so easy to miss, so subtle, so always there, that it is unseen. How can one be pointed to something that has always been there, has always been seen but never noticed, always overlooked. The intense suffering that this overlooking can cause, to oneself and to others around us, the fear and violence and killing that this overlooking results in ...

Lord, please help me to awaken, to see clearly.

Little ones fighting !

Raja has grown. When I feed him and Mother (out of one bowl, bread and milk), at the end when they are licking off the final crumbs they now get into a scuffle. And its a very nasty brawl. Very difficult for me to break up Mother and Son. Whichever one i hold onto, the other one attacks.

I might just have to cut out the milk and go back to dog biscuits or some dry alternative that does not require a bowl. My dear ones, is this what I taught you? I taught you love. You both are sadhus, not ordinary people living for personal pleasure. My little angels, angels sent down here by God to love and teach love.

Through all the tumult, the house related fighting, the tennis slams and Masters, I try hard, Lord, to come back to awareness and silence. I fear i may waste this life, too.
My only desire and longing is to serve You, and Your children, all your beloved creatures. I want nothing for myself. I long to serve You, Father. I am so lethargic, and just not bright enough to know what to do. I am lost. If I tried to do anything of my own accord, my silly ego would mess it up. I would serve selfishly, I would select selfishly based on my conditioning.

Take this sense of "I" away and use this body and consciousness to serve others. It is a hindrance to You and even me.

Raja - my life

Father, what have you done?

I sit at home, often i cant stop thinking of Raja and his mother. How i wish i could be with them all the time. I have tears of love and gratitude in my eyes when i think of them, and the great gift you have given me.

I touch Raja and it is ecstasy for me. The joy of just touching beloved Raja is indescribable. Just looking at him, hearing him or thinking him gives me such joy. However, when i touch him. Are these angels you have sent down to love me ? Or is this you yourself, taking a form in which you know i will love you intensely. I just cannot thank you enough, Father and Mother, for this wonderful creation of yours, and the wonderful and beloved animals whom i love so so dearly, each one like my own child, like they are a part of my body or soul.

Has anyone else ever known such joy ? Have you showered so much grace on anyone else before ? To be able to feel love is the greatest thing ever. To be able to love another completely, so this is why you've created this complex world.

I keep remembering when he was smaller a few months ago. I would pick him up in my arms and hold him against my chest for hours when we in the hospital, or driving. In all that he became a part of my soul. Or always was. Now, thanks to your grace, he's grown so big, but i can't hug him. I cant pick him up. But what a beauty what a joy he is. Sitting often on the sand dunes outside due to all the construction going on.

He is like my own child, actually he is my child, a part of me, of my very being, inseparable. Both mother and child, your biggest and most fantastic gifts to me. You have broken all limits in creating them, Lord, you have outdone yourself, you have peaked, you have reached perfection, beloved Mother. There is really no more you can give me now. I am complete, I am full. I only want to serve you and your children. I don't know how, I am still saddled with this identity, this "Me". I am willing to give up everything to serve you, Mother, Father. Take  this "I".

May all beings be liberated, may all be happy and at peace.

The miracle of the new pup

There's a new light brown pup that's begun appearing every other day.
Perhaps 3 months old, very thin. Raja and his mother play with him
quite a bit, but very roughly. The other night I went out, the three
were playing on the road. A motorcycle with 2 men came round the
corner. The three were in the middle of the road. This new pup was
confused and fell down. The motorcycled had slowed but not stopped.
The front tyre went right over the pup. It crossed him!! Then the
motorbike fell with both the riders and the pup got up and sprinted
off !

I was surprised he had managed to run after being run over by the
front tyre of the mobike. I looked for him behind the cars and in the
ditches but could not find him. Finally i assumed he may have gone
into some house. I came in praying to You, Lord to save him. Then as i
was turning in, heavy rains came. I figured he would just get drowned
in the rain on our street. Better that, than to slowly die all night
in pain. I prayed to you, Lord.

In the morning, I went to feed Raja and Mother. There was the pup, on
the sand dune, sitting quite happily as though nothing had happened,
his ears fluttering, him shaking flies off. He is obviously interested
in getting some of the bread and milk i give Raja and his mother. But
he can't figure out how to get his head in when both are eating. Poor
hungry chap. So i give him some biscuits. I really must find a way to
give him more. When i take stuff for him, he's never there. Then
there's the small black and white pup (maybe 5-6 months old) from the
forest-park who comes in sometimes. My two have not yet warmed up to
him. Lots of growling when he comes. Perhaps he's been pushed out of
that park, or he gets lost.

I can't thank you enough Lord, for the love, for this wonderful gift.
Raja is the most beautiful thing i have known in this life. Seeing
him, touching him, feeding him, hearing him is the most beautiful
thing ever.... Love and caring is what you created this universe for.

Raja runs like the wind

O Father, O Lord, what joy I get seeing and feeding Raja. When his
mother runs down the road he chases and overtakes her. What joy to see
him run, despite one leg being joined incorrectly and unusable. He is
more interested in biting his mother on her back, playfully, than
guarding the street. When they both are lapping up the milk and bread,
their heads in the bowl, what joy I get. Could there be any greater
joy, o Lord? And while i was emptying a little more milk into the
bowl, Raja's ear touched my hand.

They lie in the sand hill where there is construction going on, down
the road, second last house. The night guard is very sympathetic to
them. He showed me that they go running down into the basement and
back out. I don't think Raja will ever learn aggressiveness. When his
mother is protecting and barking away dogs, he chases her and
playfully bites her. But the other day when someone was walking a
small golden retriever, they did both bark at him.

O what joy, Lord, have i ever in my entire life known such joy, have i
ever melted in love like this. They are like me, like a part of me,
like my own self. Is this why you created this world, this universe,
so joy could be known. The joy of love. The joy of such love.

No individual self

There is no individual self which functions through the mind and body. The "I" that imagines it is doing this or that is a mental fiction.

The principal misperception is the idea that the Self is limited to the body and the mind. As soon as one ceases to imagine that one is an individual person, inhabiting a particular body, the whole superstructure of wrong ideas collapses and is replaced by a conscious and permanent awareness of the real Self.

From: Be as you are - Pages 18 and 43.

May 19, 2011 - Mother Allagamal's passing away.

Raja growing

Raja is growing fine. He is now larger than his mother.
Those 3 dogs that were biting him have vanished, so he is able to run around freely. However, it is very hot now, he usually lies around in puddles and is muddy and dirty.

But he is still docile and loving. I doubt he will ever be an aggressive dog. Thank you Lord for your kindness and protection.

Om Namah Shivaya

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ap98M5T_XQU

Beautiful rendition of Om Namah Sivaya by Omkara. Just love it.

Mother and child

The MOther is careful. She carefully checks under the cars and other spots where the big dogs lie around. Little Raja does not have these skills, it seems. He is now spending all his time under some parked car, afraid of coming out lest he get bitten.

Thus, to feed him I have to push the bowl under the car. No longer can he trail the garbage man to get some bones or extra food. His back and tail are badly bitten.


O dear ones, if I could, i would hold both of you tightly all the time, as long as there was life in this body, I would hold onto you both. What else is there in this world that makes sense. You are all I have. I would hug you both and hold you till this body fell away. I am too weak and stupid to protect you. I can barely manage myself. Somehow the Lord wishes not to guide me in serving you, in protecting you. He wishes me to suffer your pain.
May our souls be one, always, may we 3 find our way back to our Bhagavan's Holy Feet. Don't feel I have abandoned you, and only come to feed you. I, too, am imprisoned in a strange human world, inside walls. But I will always love you both.

Please heal little one, and become strong and fearless, please learn somehow to defend yourself. It is tragic, how since birth your life has been hellish, one problem after another. O Mother, O Father, heal and protect little Raja.

Father, where are you ?

Father,

I am waiting for you. One day you will lift me out of here. One day you will show up. I am tired, each moment in this body, it is totally and completely unbearable. This world is so empty and meaningless. How to live without You ?

How can you just leave us here to dry out, in this wasteland. Will you show up one day? I hope there will be an end to all perception for me. Till then, when will you destroy this mind, this notion of being separate, this stupid "I" ? How long will you keep me drying out ?

Raja getting bitten everyday - help him, Father!

Father
Protect Raja! The big dogs are coming and biting him everyday. His back and tail are carrying wounds. Today when i went to feed him he would not get out from under a car (under the dhobi tree). Finally he inched out a bit so i could put the bowl under the car.

Later, he managed to come into our house and sat by our door. I heard to top lady shoo him out. Again, the uncle above had him shooed out.

O Father, I do not know a way out. Please help. Please protect Raja. I do not know what to do. Is this world real ? The only hope I have is to know that all I perceive is false. For if all these beings do exist, how will I save myself from the false self that is so concerned about other's suffering.

A visit to the vet for Raja's front arm

We went to the vet by 3 wheeler. I had thought Raja has a dislocated shoulder (front right). The doc said he would not be able to put his weight on it. She thinks its a muscle injury (hit by car or person). Gave a pain killer. If it does not i can get an xray at Lajpat Nagar. Otherwise painkillers for a couple more days.

She noted that he is not using his hind leg too since it has lost weight.

Raja at our doorstep

I am told Raja was outside our door all night. When i came out today his front leg was stiff. He was walking funnily. Perhaps he got bitten or hit and that's why he came to our door.

What a position you have put me in Lord, where i cannot even use the car to get him checked. Please take care of Raja, please heal him. It is all up to You.

Everything i say

Everything i say is a lie. It is about the false self. Each time i say "I" it is some fictitious self which speaks, for a fictitious self. I live a lie, i live for a false self, not for what is alive. Not for the awareness, or the I-am, but that false self that has caused so much suffering to myself and others.

-- (the rest got lost since i shut off the internet)--


 10:44 PM April 12, 2011                                                                
whatever i ask You for, what ever i pray to You is the false self, asking for itself, asking for something to perpetuate itself. there is nothing I can ask for, that is the real I's wish or desire. My entire life is that of the false self and its desires and its perpetuation.                                                                        
                                                                                      
Every step, every action, every thought is that of the false self.                    
                                                                                      
This illusion can be so beautiful, so difficult to leave at times. The animals are so so beloved, so endearing. This illusion has totally got me there.

Thank You

Thank you, Lord, Father, for the opportunity of serving you. For this
wonderful opportunity of loving and serving you. It is you. I always
knew it was You. However, i never thanked you for letting me serve
you. How cunning, should i say, and yet, how simple and logical. You
could not have chosen better. So simple, that it seems cunning. We are
one. Always, even after we shed these bodies, we will always be one
single being.
O Mother, Mother, Mother, Mother.
I know nothing of this world. i just know that this is all You. Loving
You. You full of love and protection for all. Extending your limitless
heart out to me. How strange and incomprehensible is all this
existence and diversity.

Raja's last vaccination

Today i took Raja for the last vaccination. This time i just picked him up and carried him to the main road to get the 3-wheeler. The mother followed me very anxiously, as far as she could. Very concerned. Jumping on me.

The doctor said that the limp is an old injury, and its likely that in the original accident, there was a small fracture that has fused, but not correctly. Therefore, he does not put weight on it. Its not a new injury.

She asked if Raja's mother pampers him a lot. Normally at this age he should be very aggressive when being given shots. He was only crying out. I told her that Raja follows his mother everywhere. She still protects him, and she has been licking his wound (the bite he had, which has joined).

You sat in my lap, dear one. It was nice to have you, but you have grown a lot. From 9.1 kilos you are now 11.6 kilos. A strapping young lad. The next vaccination is a year away now. So much love and joy you have given me both of you. No human or any one else could give me such a feeling of being complete, of being fulfilled. I have had my fill of life, and of being in bodies, i have no longer any personal need to keep taking a body -- i have experienced the highest.

These hands and this heart

Just come back from feeding Raja and Mother. Finally, these two hands have done something worthwhile. If ever i have done anything meaningful with these hands, it is feeding them, looking after them, tending to my beloved Raja when he was injured and sick.

If ever my heart has done anything meaningful it was loving them. And feeling the pain of animals. I can never forget those moments when i found Raja all bandaged up two days after his accident. I had given you up for dead, dear one. Your small bandaged face lifted and looked up at me. Your little tail wagged a bit in recognition. I gave you some biscuits, you chomped them down hungrily. And all those moments when you sat in my lap at the hospital, I wondering what you were thinking as you looked around, I feeling complete, as though all my missing parts had finally been put together. All those days, I held you against my chest, pressing you slightly, hoping you would somehow melt into me and become a part of me.

Somehow, you and your mother have connected me to Nature, to Mother Nature. It was already happening for the past 2 years, but you pushed it through, accelerated it. You taught me the biggest lesson of my life, but its a lesson i don't know how to put into words, its a lesson at the level of being, of what is alive, the level of me.

When i am with animals

When i am with animals the sense of being separate, an "I" melts, and it is wonderful to be connected and one with all there is, with Mother Nature, with Mother Earth. Animals don't struggle with themselves, with the world, they live naturally, they just are.

However, when i am with humans, and i see the drama, the huge struggle and resistance to life and everything, the completely false drama, I shrink back, and personality gets strengthened. It feels horrible to be pushed back into the false person. The false drama and struggle inside me begins, too.

I want to talk with You

Beloved Father,

I wanted to have a word with you. But i just realized that I really have nothing to say. I just want to sit silently and look into Your eyes and hear from you.

Actually, I have looked into your loving eyes. And been almost destroyed. My only regret is that i have not been totally destroyed. why is there still this husk moving around ? I am afraid I might look at you once again and still live to talk about it. When will that darshan come which will  finish me for good.

Bless me with what is required to finish this. If surrender is needed give me that strength, if self-enquiry is needed give me the urgency to carry it to fruition, give me the one-mindedness for it. If all it takes is for you to put your foot over me, do so.

You are all i have, Father/Mother

When i look at animals, i know it is for them I exist, they are all i have in this world. I am one of them, not one of the human race. It is nature, Mother Nature, this Earth to which i belong, from which i come. I am one of them, i am connected to them. I am no longer a separate body. I am a part of nature.

Nice story this ego has concocted. It has totally trapped me in this new identity.

God, Father, Mother, you are all i have. I am too confused with these identities, all are causing suffering. None of that suffering do i know a way out of. I just know instinctively that identity of any kind is an illusion. I know that any world or state containing suffering has to be false. I know that perception has to be an illusion. As long as there is  world, it has to be false.

The tough part is that there is nothing nice that attracts me or catches my eye in this world. There is no desire left. But yet the mind is trapped in the suffering of others. The ego is captivated by feeling the pain of others. It has found a nice warm story to identify with. And the suffering of others is not something you can turn your face from, unlike some nice material objects.

practice is suffering

Things have been lousy for some days. Just unable to get back into silence. all the time there's a low level of some silly inconsequential thoughts going on. unable to remain in the I-am. I keep trying to enquire but it seems alien. I almost feel like i am falling back into the old lost in the mind life.

I know this is only a thought. The mind says this. The mind says that practice is suffering.

Yesterday, i dropped by the animal hospital and they said they would come at 3:30 pm to pick the mother for spaying. They did not. I cannot take this any longer. I know she will go into heat in April. And when the dogs come, it will be tough for little Raja. Another litter ??? And at this point, i cannot leave him defenseless for five days while his mother is spayed. The other dogs (his father who bit him badly below the tail recently) is prowling around.

When Raja grows up then i can try getting the mother spayed. Maybe get them both neutered together when he is 6 months old. When i look into her eyes, i just cannot think of putting her through all that, and not knowing whether they will leave her back here.

Will I ever be free ?

Will the ego ever let go ?

Every time I think there has been an improvement, things immediately get worse. Noise in the mind. It seems impossible to find the awareness.

The latest ego story, the latest identification is one of not being a human, of being part of nature, of being connected to all animals and nature, of hating to be in this body, of hating the physical world.

I am hating life in a body, never was comfortable with it ever. This physical world has nothing for me. I have no option to be silent and be in what sees all this. However, the pain i see all around me is so compelling. It is as though it is calling me to help, it is calling me so plaintively.

O Mother, I love you too much, i love all your children too much. But now I must put all effort in knowing what i am. There is too much confusion of my own identity. I cannot as a mind-body-ego help you much, as much as i may want to. I am too weak as an ego, i am too selfish. If i must help you, it has to be as a free being, not this limited, tortured human. Otherwise, I am only thrusting my tortured mind on others. I could be seeing pain where there is none.

Today when i came back from my walk, i saw the Mother and Raja playing in the distance. They looked happy and carefree. And the thought came that we (humans) have invaded this world and brought immense misery to all. All beings were happy before humans came. Like parasites we are destroying a wonderful world. Like a plague.

They are all happy without us. You are all happy without us.

_______
I just went to feed Mother and child. From a distance, it seemed the Mother raised her head and got up. I felt immediately, it is for You that I exist. Then as i came closer, it was Raja not the Mother. The Mother was still lying and got up a tad later. The feelign remained as I fed them. After that they both played about, playfully biting each other. I thought there is no way i can get you spayed. How can i possibly ? O God, what do i do ? Please you help me -- it is not my life, but another's. Do not leave other beings at my mercy. Don't leave your beloved children at my ego's mercy. No No, not that. Don't try telling me you are doing that with love. Love me as much as you will, Mother, but don't trust my ego.

I cannot function without your help, Mother. I need you to make the decisions, the choices, every choice, even which foot i lift, which nostril i breathe from and when. When i blink, when i move, when my heart beats, everything I need you to decide. I cannot. I can only mess this world up with my mind.

Mother, please use this body for your work, but do not unleash me upon this innocent world. I am your loving son, but i am human, do not forget, and like all humans severely flawed. (I am not perfect like all the other species.) At least, part human. A child of yours trapped in a human body. Mother, may you and all your children thrive, may there be peace and happiness on your planet, in your universe. May there be no suffering in this universe you have lovingly created.

I will always be your son, in every life, in every form of existence, may i always serve you and love you, no matter what happens. I am always confronted by You, i always see you. I cannot stray from you.

The desire for liberation

The desire has increased. The suffering i see is too much for me to hope for anything other than to be free of the ego-world. It could be grace from Amma's darshan on the 17th.

Since the 21st, there's a lot of silence, and i am enjoying being. I don't want to run away from practice, i don't wish to do anything other than to sit silently in Being -- much like Sri Nisargadatta said he used to enjoy sitting in the I-am. Sometimes, it can be noisy, yesterday there was some noise, it is important then to ask "who is having these thoughts?" or "who is perceiving this?".

May all being be in peace, may all beings be happy and free of suffering. May all beings be liberated. Thanks to all those who are helping out, and extending their grace, to those forces pushing me in, or pulling me in to what is real.

Raja has grown !!

Today i took Raja in a 3 wheeler for his booster shot. He has grown!! Now he is 9.1 kg (earlier he was 7 kg). His face has changed, too.

I can see him across the road eating grass at the lamppost.

I forgot to talk about Amma's darshan. It was scheduled at 10 am at the Vasant Kunj (Mata Amritanandmayi Math). I found a car at the RKP red light with an Amma sticker, and followed it all the way. (Nelson Mandela Marg till Vasant Kunj Marg then left). Was seated at 8:45. There was about 2 hours of bhajans and an hour of some teachings in Hindi (translated by some person) and a meditation. At 1 pm the darshan began, i was in the B3 batch, and was out within 30 minutes. I went up with a huge smile feeling joyous, but when she hugged me, i felt a surge of emotion and got up choking.

Throughout the four hours i was there, i kept bringing myself back to awareness. I was doing enquiry during the bhajans.

The suffering in this world that i see around me is intense and unabating. I have to put in all effort into enquiry, no wasting time here and there, allowing the ego to distract me with its small promises of momentary "feeling good" with some thought.

Raja back with Mother

Thankfully, Raja has stopped visiting. Would have created a big issue here. He walks by sometimes, on the other side of the road. I feed him and Mother on the other street. When our flat owners change, I can encourage him back.

Amma is visiting on 16 and 17th. I hope to go for a darshan.

Raja wants to move back

Raja is coming to the doorstep and just parking himself there. That's a danger because of the other flat owners who are against dogs or who will use this as an issue to trouble us.

But the biggest problem is that this is another thing the ego has created to keep me identified and fighting. It is safer for Raja to be sitting outside our house or on this street. But that means he will keep entering our house or (common) front-yard. As far as I know, his being back on the next street with fast traffic is a risk.

Will i be able to move him back even? So my faith in God is again faltering, i am again trying to protect him. If he does keep coming in, what is the maximum that the others here can do? Harass me ? Shoo him out? Harm him?

What if I do nothing, if I keep quiet when they talk?

I cannot keep pondering this, i must enquire into who is bothered, i must surrender this to the Self. I must not let the ego win, it will not stop creating situations to trap me. i must break out of this mind/ego created world.

Raja visits us

I believe Raja came to our doorstep at 3am or so and whined a bit. I heard something and woke up but thought i was dreaming. Later I am told he came back at around 7 and sat outside our house for quite a while.

Later i went to the next road, and whistled to them. Brought them back and fed him outside our house. He had milk but left the bread out. He wanted to come into the house, came in, refused to go out. Wanted to get into the car later when i was washing it. He and his mother played in the front area for a while.

Later again when they heard the reverse horn of the car they came running and sat around for a while. He whined quite a bit, I suppose he is stuck between 2 worlds.

Last night when i left him out, he went into the construction area and got busy with the bones there. He would not come out. Today, he has forgiven me for keeping him confined for several days and all the hospital visits and the IV drips and painful injections. Raja still loves me a lot.

Such a blessing to have received love in his form. This universe and God could not have given me anything better.

Raja's last day with us

I have been feeding him extra today, there is no amount of food that is satisfying him. He is very restless inside and wants freedom, even my presence is not pacifying. I have become like a parent who can't give his child freedom, and is trying to tie him down while the child is getting rebellious.
Today morning after a feed (bread and milk first at 9:30 followed by rice and curd at 11), i took him out and released him where his mother was. They played a bit then she settled on the side. He went to the construction site and picked up some bones and refused to come out. We had a big fight, he growling away. Finally i picked him up and brought him back with a bone in his mouth. He sat at the gate chewing away. Finally, when he had chewed it, he wanted to go back for more. I placed him back in the yard with him protesting. Gave him another big feed of rice and milk and biscuits, but he was still not satisfied. I sat with him for a long time but he kept whining away.

It pains me to have to keep him tied up, him not knowing how long it will last and wanting desperately to go back to his mother or to the bones and the junk food. Tonight at 10:30 i will take him back to the table under the tree and release him. He is sleeping at the moment, his last nap here. He has woken up and is restless again, biting at his bucket, and will soon be banging on the door.

What a way to end this whole thing, fighting with each other! Now, it is up to You, Mother and Father, it is your grace that has brought him to here. You saved him repeatedly. How would i ever doubt you, how could i ever have lost trust in you.

Raja - my life

In the one month that i have been looking after you, you pressed against my chest while driving you to the hospital, or waiting hours for our turn, you have become my very life. The happiest times of my entire life have been holding you against my heart. And even you pressed your head against me -- it was not just me. It was a mutual longing.

You have become my life, i don't know what there is besides you. Removed from me, there is nothing left, no person. I just wish to hold you against my heart. What else is there ?

We are one soul, dear child, as is your Mother and your departed brothers and sisters. We are always one. I will always remember how your sisters used to chew my fingers and wrist, and how you felt against me, and your wonderful smell.

O Mother, give me wisdom and courage to serve your children wisely and correctly. The suffering i see around me is destroying me. I cannot bear it any longer.

Raja is clear (of Parvo-virus)

Last night, he slept through quietly. Perhaps because he had some food, and he was tired of screaming all day. Yesterday evening they did not put him on a drip, just 2 injections. Same today. Now i don't need to take him at all. I can increase his food intake and release him tomorrow.

When i brought him back, his mother was outside looking for him. I released him. He kept going to the Mother, but the Mother kept running away. I took him for a walk but after some time he struggled with the leash (which Seema gave me). Then i gave him rice-curd and a Marie-Gold biscuit and he's sleeping. Hope he keeps quiet at night !

All this would have been much shorter had they identified the parvo-virus in the first place, and given him a drip 2x a day to start with a no food for a couple days. But giving him food the first evening is what totally upset his stomach. Also for 2 days i only took him once.

March 3 and 4th, one drip. 5th and 6th 2 IV drips. 7th drip in the morning. 7th evening and 8th morning, 2 injections.

Thank you, Father and Mother. Now i can get back completely to self-enquiry.

Raja update

Twice yesterday I thought Raja was gone. After noon he was passing watery stool. I rushed him to the vet. Last night he was silent, no sounds, slept through the night.
Just got him back from IV drip, am to give him a biscuit in a short while and see how his stomach takes it. I have the opposite problem now, he is getting restless in the little space, he wants to get out. Now that he is recovering it will be difficult to keep him confined. He is making a lot of noise, and if he does so at night, we could have a problem here.
Anyway, i have to see if he vomits today. Then i take him for fluids in the evening, and lets see how it goes from there.

Raja has parvo-virus

Last night, Raja vomited throughout the night. So now i have to take him twice a day for a drip and no food or water. complete rest for the stomach. When he passed a little stool at the end of the drip, the lady doctor said it was parvo-virus, but the treatment is the same whether its viral or bacterial.

But the biggest problem is not the parvo-virus. Ultimately, humans create suffering where none is needed. Any incident can be a cause for suffering and drama. There is the drama about the car, which cannot be used until it is washed by some professionals. And is not to be used for dogs. No more taking care of pups and dogs again. The usual drama. Smell in the house, hygiene.

They were hoping the doctors would say there was no hope and Raja would be put to sleep. They were quite unhappy to hear that this happens often and is treatable.

For me it has been such a blessing, to serve you, Mother Earth, to love your children even if it was for a few days only. I am overjoyed to have served you, and to have connected with you. How can i suffer such an experience of love.

Anyway, i shall just stay present through all this. Whatever You want will happen. If this is a drama created by my ego, then only silence and being present, and not attaching to the "I" can cure it.

Is this world ego-created ?

If all this including the beautiful animals I love so much is all ego created in order to keep me in the dream, then i want out. Or the love and attachment for them. There is far too much suffering I am seeing. At the hospital, I see multiple cases everyday which are heart-rending.

If this is the ego's world (or whoever's play), I am tired of it. I have to awaken, i have to become free of the ego. I have to become free of the mind. I am not taking any more nonsense.

Raja - sitting in the back area (day 2)

Not good. Raja ate yesterday evening, that was nice. Then he was very restless at night. Late at night, maybe 2 or 3am, he became extremely restless. I held him in my arms and he quietened. Then he wanted to get out. I let him off and he has loose motions. Smelled of sardines. Then he curled up in the bucket and dozed off.

He again had 103 temperature, saline drip, but at the end of the drip he had a loose motion sitting there. it was messy getting him into the bucket in the car. he wanted to move around. I washed his behind at home but still some drops of poo were coming out. He has eaten nothing. I went to give him a sip of water, and found him lying in some poop. Loose. I think it is possible i gave him the wrong food, and too much yesterday. Today then said tiny amounts of rice and curd, every few hours.

Since yesterday i have been listening to the Michael Langford readings and coming back into silence. It has helped a lot.

Raja - sitting in the back area

Today morning he (Raja) was despondent and did not touch any food. He was still lying there with the Mother, on the dhobi's table. (It had rained at night, but they did not look too wet.) So i took him to the hospital. Had a talk with the Scottish friend who has got several dogs through parvo-virus. Finally my turn came, 103 fever, but no telling what else it could be as yet. So they gave him anti-biotics, fever medicine and a saline drip. I am to take him again tomorrow, if the fever has reduced then they will give some medicines i can give at home. I could feed him in 2 hours.

So we have put him in a large flat bucket with newspapers in the little space behind my room. I've been lying here since then looking at him asleep. At 3:30 he lapped up some milk. Later i got him some dog biscuits which he has had. He has not yet passed anything, i need to check his stool so i can report. Just a short while back he was in a chewy mood, and chewed the newspapers and the thread on my wrist. Now he's taking another snooze, looking at me now and then. I feel so much more relaxed since he is here, and i don't have to worry about him being run over. But he can't stay in this little space forever, he has to get out soon, or else he will have no place and his Mother will not recognize him.

But it is good to know that parvo-virus has a reasonable recovery if treated. My Scottish friend (Debbie) said that the dog just needs to be given a basket with newspapers to sleep in, and brought 2x a day for IV fluids. Within 2-3 days you know if he is getting better or not. Pups are easy to cure, adults are difficult.

As i write, he is getting a little restless in the bucket and moving his head around. Since the light is on inside, he can see me.

The last one -- please hang in

I just went for his night feed. He did not touch any food or show any interest. He just lay there on the table. I am really worried for you, little one. Don't leave me like the others. On the way back i did see a whole packet of rice on the side of the road. Perhaps, you had eaten.

Yesterday, when i brought you back, i noticed you walked to the side a little later and had a loose motion. Today morning after your feed you were eating some grass or plants. Perhaps you stomach is not well.

Beloved Lord, please protect the little one. Or is their life so linked to my ego, that to break my ego they have to give their lives. I cannot take this world any more. I saw a headline today evening about some carnage that took place many years back, and felt sick just seeing the headline from a distance. If this world is genuinely created by my mind, then bring me out of this, Father. But if the world is real, and these lives are real, why let them be snuffed for my benefit ? Do lives have to be lost for my liberation ?

Maha-shivaratri 2011

Today is Mahashivaratri. Greetings to you Father, and to all living beings. May all beings be happy, be free of suffering, be at peace. Today, i shall spend the day in silence and enquiry. Glory to You, Shiva, destroyer of the illusion, destroyer of the ego-mind, destroyer of ignorance and suffering.

Goodbye Little One

I went out to look for the little brown one again. There she was sitting outside, across the road in the ditch. Behaving quite unwell. Wet and muddy legs and bottom. Our own guard told me that she had been lying in the ditch on the other side yesterday, i had not thought about asking him.

She would not drink water or eat, just staggered around. So i picked her up and put her in the back seat of our car, keeping Raja on my lap (his last bandage was today). Both of them sat in my lap as we waited at the vet. She was looking around. I was thinking of naming her Bhakti and then thought Chhoti would be better. They took her temperature and there was blood in the stool. Parvo-virus. The doctor said she could infect the others, and possibly the other (Raja) has already been exposed. You were sitting on the doctors table with your head up, ears perked while we discussed euthanasia. My dear little one, I could do nothing for you. You had no idea that your death was being discussed. I was the one who decided to end your life. Dear little precious one. You weren't even limp or lifeless, I was possibly thinking of my own convenience in consigning you to death. My own mind wanting its own easy comfortable life. Love and service too a convenience as long as its easy to take aside a few minutes.

I feel like a murderer, O Mother, O God. One of your precious little children. I remember when you were small, i would hold you against my cheek. I would give you my fingers to bite. And you would oblige. One cold winter night, when you did not eat, and then you started throwing up, i thought you would not survive the night. I prayed to God to save you. And today, tired after months of worrying day and night, i could take it no longer. I am now trying to escape from this love trap i have set for my self. I loved the nice, cute hugging feeding part of it. But when the real stuff confronted me, i fled, unable to face life.

I can never trust my love again. The day the pain exceeds some threshold, i walk out. The doctor asked me to put you on the side, away from Raja. Later when you had moved back close to Raja, I moved you away as though you were an untouchable and should not touch Raja. I touched you several times still, i had to dear one. Then the staff person picked you up and carried you away.

All that while, you were sitting innocently, wondering what was happening, while papers were being signed to snuff out your young life. Is this why you were born ? Will this same fate visit Raja who is like my own body now.

Self, please please rescue me, i want no more, i cannot take any more of this world. I want an end to experience, no more worlds, no more rebirths, no more identity, no more.

No news on the little brown one

Today I checked with the guard outside the house next to 524, and he agreed that he had not seen her for some time. I last saw you day before night when i came to feed you.

So then i walked into the forest next door. It was overrun, unlike the last time i had walked there over a year back. I walked quite a distance through the path but no luck. I am just wondering that you might have wandered off a bit and then got chased further away. At least, it looks like you were not run over, otherwise the guards would have known.

Wherever you are, you are in God's hands now. Only God can protect you and love you. I just hope you are safe and not lost. I hope you have found a place. I will now go and look over the rest of the colony in case you are lost -- although i would have found you yesterday if that were so.

Where are you, little brown one ?

Last night, when i fed them the brown one ate nothing. Not alarming since she often is full being the aggressive one. Today morning I saw Raja in front of my flat quite early and fed him. The mother came but not the brown one. I think i saw the brown one from a distance during the day once.
Tonight, i went to the table where the 3 sit, and only Raja and mother were there. The guards had not seen the brown one.

Where are you little one? I had hoped you would keep the line alive. I am sorry I did not pay much attention to you, since i had to focus on Raja. Have you left us for another area, are you lost ? Or has God claimed you, too ?

How much will I have to accept ? And yet, i have no choice. All i can do is to leave you to Mother and Father's mercy. I was going to give you your vaccinations in a day or so. In the beginning you were my favorite, i used to hold you against my cheek and call you names. Then with the various injuries and accidents i had to give more attention to the others. I pray for you, for your life, for your health, beloved one.

I used to keep thinking, should i call you Mira or Radha. I used to wonder which one of you two (females) to give which name. That way i would always remember Mira and Radha.

I have loved with all my heart and soul. I have had the greatest experience of my life in loving you, and in feeding you all, and taking care of you, of holding you, and touching you. I have also had the most trying period i can remember, where i have had to leave your lives to God due to how dangerous these roads are. It has been the biggest test of faith for me. And now to lose all of you, one by one. I have loved you all as if you were born from my own body. When i hold Raja, i just know that we are one.

btw, today we drove past our old house, and Chhota[1] was sitting there licking his paws. I had not seen him for some time, and had thought the worst. But he was looking good and healthy.

O Mother and Father, i know all this including my own body is a dream created by the ego to delude me. No matter how dear parts of this dream are. No matter what, I seek liberation from this dream, from all experience. I am not interested in experience, i am tired. You can take it all, Mother, Father, Self. You can have it all.

[1] - Chhota is the stray dog at our previous home. I used to look after him, and he slept in our front yard. We tried to bring him to the new house but failed.

I must prefer liberation and silence (to the egoic mind)

At all times, i must prefer silence and awareness, to the noise and identification of the mind. I must prefer liberation to suffering and to the temporary "rush" of anger and judgment. Liberation only. Let any thought or identification come, i will choose awareness instead.

The only desire must be liberation.

more noise !!! Being free is ALL that matters

I thought the whole neighbour issue was over and done with mentally, could never take my mind ever again for more than one second, but last night the new episode has really taken over. i was struggling all of last night, and even today defensive measures and occasionally even offensives keep coming up and identifying.

So what is most important for me ? To keep defending this mind body and its positions and to lead a comfortable physical life, or to be established in my real self and be free forever. Is defending this body or some possession, or some mental position so important that i should give up awareness. Does it really matter if some possession is taken, does it matter if i am even ultimately homeless or destitute because i was busy remaining in awareness ? Can i sacrifice final and everlasting peace for some temporary victory over some people who are temporary ?

All this will be gone, including these bodies. These are all created by the mind. The mind is creating an identification with a person and body and then all these compelling situations that have to be fought out and defended. It does not matter if these people insult us, or use us, it does not matter if the body has to suffer some inconveniences or the mind has to bear insults. It does not matter. The truth matters. Escaping the ego and being free of this hypnosis and complete control matters.

You are my life, Mother and little ones

Today i took Raja for bandaging, and got him some vaccinations. Need to get a booster in 3 weeks. At night i went to feed them. They were on the table by the tree (where the ironing man works). After feeding them I left. I looked back, the 3 of them were standing on the edge of the table looking intently at me. How it breaks my heart !!!

You three are my life, totally. How can i ever tell a human being this secret. That i have found the whole universe in you. The 3 of you look at me like ... don't you know that i am nothing, a total failure, a non-entity, could this universe find no one more capable, more courageous to serve you. It picked me for this supreme honor of serving you, a weak, scared, spineless human. The universe has entrusted its beloved little children in a spineless lost human who can't take care of himself. Oh my little ones, forgive me for being such a half-wit, such an excuse, in this universe, all you got was me. You are worth far, far more. You are worth the best, the highest. You are worth much, much more.

After loving you, i no longer experience myself as being a human. Yes, i look like one, i have a human body, but now i am totally of your species. I am one of you. O Mother, whenever i think of you my eyes moisten. To me you are God, you are the Divine Mother, no less. I see God in you, let me say this finally. You may be in a mortal coil, fighting for your own safety, bitten by others, carrying a limp in one hind leg (from the day Raja was hit, iirc), but you are the Universal Mother. I cannot believe otherwise.

Your identity is a secret, i cannot harm you by letting others know, not that anyone would believe. I have lost myself in you all.

This little piece reminds me of Raja, the injured one. JCE (Journey to the Center of the earth - Goodbye Max).

Mind games - must revisit

Events happen that take the mind totally. Such as someone praising me recently when i was feeding Raja. A driver telling me how rare kindness is, and how he cried for 3 days when he ran over a pup. Or the anger that arises at the neighbors. It could be any of these issues.

At such points, simply being in the Now or coming to awareness is not easy. One has to remember to ask "who is it who is angry?" or "who is so bothered about X", or "to whom do these thoughts of XXX belong?". Repeatedly ask.

One has to remember that this is the ego trying to take over. The ego tries to create circumstances to get me into the mind/individuality mode. It tries to trap me. And this "me" itself is a mind creation. Mind/ego identifies awareness with a body and creates adverse (or emotional etc) situations to strengthen the identification.

And Mother/Father/Self, you create these situations, to make "me" enquire and free myself. The "I", the individuality is like a poison.

O Mother, what a discovery to have found you, with all your love for all creatures. What a discovery to find you in all creatures. In everything. How did i ever live blindly all my life, and not know you were all around. Glory to You.

Another one goes

Today when I was taking the injured one, Raja, for bandaging, the other female was sitting in the sun, still shaking. She was unable to take food. I wanted to get her into the car, but i could not and no one else was helping. they all melted away.

I returned 2 hours later with Raja, and the lady who had taken Raja the first time, was standing outside 524, telling me the female is badly injured. She was looking sick. On driver did bring her out, and the lady took her to Friendicoes. Later she called to say that the other one has distemper and will have to be put to sleep. Otherwise, she can be a danger for the other pups and mother.

So beloved one, by now you are no more. I just pray and hope you will be united with me for ever. I remember how you used to sit in my lap growling when i took you for getting your toe treated. And how you used to scream when you had the anti-biotic injection. You would quieten down when i would pick you up. Beloved one, I loved you dearly. I used to dream of having you and your fellow pups sleeping next to me.

We will live another day

(Continued from previous post)
Just went back and fed them. its still drizzling. they were all snuggled in the corner of the driveway of the same house (S 524). God bless them for letting them be there. (SAme lady who gave me a tirade one day). Of course Mother, you will protect their children since they protected yours.

Gave you all milk and biscuits, the white one also had it, although sitting rather oddly. I love the smell of these pups so much, even though they've been in the dirt, road and everything for three months now, but they smell divine to me. The most wonderful smell on earth. When i left, they were looking at me through the spokes of a bicycle. It breaks my heart to leave them and have them looking at me. I just hope they remain there and don't venture out.

I told the white one, and all of them, that they must survive, they must win. Oh, how i could have hugged all of you and just lived with you in a ditch or street corner. If I could i would have brought all of you into this place. .... what a test! You are the whole world for me.

The other white pup

Today I went to take Raja for his bandage change. Being a Sunday, there was a long wait. So i thought i will bring him back tomorrow morning. It rained heavily on the way back. When the rain stopped, i took Raja back to where the other pups were. The other white one was looking at me very sheepishly. The mother was licking one foot.

When i touched her, she screamed. She would not let me touch her. I tried to roll her over. I could see no wound or hurt. She was shivering and afraid. Then after a while she rolled over straight, and crawled behind her mother. So she was able to walk.  I came out, there was one guard whom i asked. He said that if anything had happened, he would have known. Perhaps she has been bitten. Maybe her mother has bitten her. Or someone has beaten her.
The mother, the brown pup and Raja came out. I kept putting Raja back in but he would come out. Finally, i came away.

Is she just very cold, or feverish? Is she hurt, or bitten ? If the mother or other pup has bitten her, she would not by lying with them, would she ? I have no idea, Lord. I am lost. So much suffering in this world. There is still thunder, its evening, very windy and cold outside, so its not going to get warmer. Probably will rain further tonight.

The other white pup

Today I went to take Raja for his bandage change. Being a Sunday, there was a long wait. So i thought i will bring him back tomorrow morning. It rained heavily on the way back. When the rain stopped, i took Raja back to where the other pups were. The other white one was looking at me very sheepishly. The mother was licking one foot.

When i touched her, she screamed. She would not let me touch her. I tried to roll her over. I could see no wound or hurt. She was shivering and afraid. Then after a while she rolled over straight, and crawled behind her mother. So she was able to walk.  I came out, there was one guard whom i asked. He said that if anything had happened, he would have known. Perhaps she has been bitten. Maybe her mother has bitten her. Or someone has beaten her.
The mother, the brown pup and Raja came out. I kept putting Raja back in but he would come out. Finally, i came away.

Is she just very cold, or feverish? Is she hurt, or bitten ? If the mother or other pup has bitten her, she would not by lying with them, would she ? I have no idea, Lord. I am lost. So much suffering in this world. There is still thunder, its evening, very windy and cold outside, so its not going to get warmer. Probably will rain further tonight.

Identities

Identities are trying to take over. I must not identify with them. I must not let them get hold. I wish to serve You, Father, not these energies of anger and hate and revenge, and judgment. I wish to surrender these identities to you, including the one that thinks it is apart from reality, that is seeking you as a separate entity.

Trying to reclaim myself

Life will go on... so will death and pain and suffering. My body, and all these will go. I can do what i can do to help and serve, but ultimately its up to you, Lord, as to what the result is .. who lives, who dies, how long ...

I was listening to Realization of Being (Tolle) last night, it is necessary to reclaim my space, myself, even as i serve others. There is too much suffering anyway, i cannot solve it all. I can do my best, and thank you for giving me an opportunity to love and feel the pain of another and to serve you. It has been an honor, loving Lord. I don't wish to be cold and unfeeling. This body is not mine, and this mind is not me. You can play as you wish to beloved One. Be happy always, Loving Father and Mother, in all your forms.

A visit at night

It's rained in the evening. Your rug would be soaked. You would all be wet.

I am sitting by my window, just switched on Colors of the Wind. I see Mother walking by my house, on the other side of the road. Then two pups come from the other side. Then the bandaged one appears. Oh, how it breaks my heart. How i'd love to go out and welcome you all, except you'd never leave, and the nasty guys above would create a stink and hurt you all.

The gate was open, the pups come into our drive, followed by Mother. Silence. I am worried that you are all lying under the car. If the guy goes out at night you could be below the car. Then suddenly you all go running out, with the driveway mop in your mouths, tugging at it. You deposit it next to the gate. Then you go off.

I wish the occupants of both floors above would leave so you could all come and live in our driveway/front. But then you'd be scratching our door all (day and) night ! I hope you find a dry spot to sleep in, dear ones. God bless You all, God protect you all, divine ones.

Is this world real ?

O Father, O Mother, tell me honestly, is all this I see true. Is all this suffering I see real, or just some mirage to make me wake up. Yesterday an old man at Frendicoes was telling me about a run over pup that survived. I cried as he told me, it was impossible to even imagine the suffering of a pup. Today, 2 men came with a tiny little thing, with big doleful eyes, they wanted to leave it there -- i told him the shelter here is overcrowded and dogs are dying of disease and neglect. He said he will leave the pup back where he picked it up. I told him the little thing will be mauled or run over again. He said there were 4 or 5 others, we are trying to save his life. Said they could not adopt him since they leave in the morning and come home late at night.

I trust You completely, and know everything is for the best. I know you love all creatures far more than i (my silly false mind) can ever imagine. I am just a pretense, and a really hypocritical one at that. If this world is real, if the suffering around me is, how will i ever wake up, how can i  put the pain out of my mind and remain still.

When i am dead, will this suffering continue for ever ? I know the one in me who suffers is imaginary. I know the one who feels compassion and love is imaginary. The one who prays to you today and everyday to end suffering is imaginary. Whatever i see and experience is in front, I cannot see what is experiencing. I cannot see what is alive. I only see and am the imaginary and arising. I do not know what is actually alive here. I do not know that which is not imaginary. The "I"  that says this is imaginary. It's an awful loop that I cannot get out of.

I love you Lord, and Mother of all beings, and i love all beings. This fake person, this fake despicable ego begs for all beings to be free of suffering, for all beings to be happy and at peace for ever. My soul is in torment. And even this so-called imaginary torment does not equal that which these beings are going through. I sit cosily and healthily while millions suffer. I hope this imaginary pain of this ego, in some way frees others of their karma.

How all this has impacted sadhana

Ever since i found the male one (shall i call him Shiva or Ram or Raja), i have been unable to remain silent, i am thinking of the pups day and night. I am worried to death. Is this a mind trick to break me out of awareness. I am just unable.

Another thing. At one time the brown one of the 2 small ones was my favorite. Probably because i found him throwing up one night when it was freezing, and i thought he would not survive. Later when Raja returned and was larger than these 2 and often pushed them around i did not take to him. At some stage, I began to take to the small white female (who has her toe run over the other day). But after Raja's accident, he has become my favorite. The brown one had sort of receded into the background, often she would just be sleeping when i fed them, uninterested in eating. Today, when i gave some dog biscuits to Raja, the brown female attacked his neck. He cried out. I had to hold her back a lot. I suddenly wanted her out. She has become quite aggressive now. Later when they lay down and Raja tried to join them, she again tried biting his nose. He was frightened and leaned against me, till the other 2 settled down, then he tried to find a place.

So this is the love of the ego. Completely taking me from awareness. And such a pretense, shifting as per its own convenience. This cannot be the love of the Self which would be fair to all. I will still always serve then as fairly as i can, but i must stay in awareness so the Self can get me out of this selective love.

Lord, help me come back to awareness. Protect me from the mind. O Self, protect me. Pull me.

I guess the family and sibling-hood can only last so long. My dream that they would live together and protect each other .. will that not come to be. I talked to them, asking them to be together and stand by one another. I guess they will forget each other and see each other as competition (as the Doctor said about the mother and pups).

Another accident

I was feeding. The smaller white was on the other side, a car came up and stopped then it moved. The little one's foot came under the car, it was bleeding and she was screaming.

When i picked her up, she quietened. So i took her to the hospital. They bandaged her foot. Perhaps one toe is broken. I have to take her for the next few days everyday. That means tomorrow i will be taking two pups.

One lady across the road heard the screams and came out. (This is not the one who took them to the hospital). She was telling me she could not sleep the other day since one was crying under her window. Wanting me to have them removed. I told her i don't know any number for stray dogs -- they will grow up and move away. Kept arguing, but i told her i have to take the dog to the hospital.

So now we have 2 casualties. The doctor said there were already many stray dogs and no one is adopting them. Lord, please find them a home. She said the mother could be neutered in a couple of weeks. She will reject the pups in a short while and see them as competitors.

I feel complete

I took you there to get your bandages redone today. We had to wait quite a bit. I sat on a bench with you on my lap. Sitting there i was looking down at you, and you were looking here and there. I was wondering what you were looking at and what you were thinking. I was talking to you to reassure you. I was touching your ears, they were poking out of the bandages, just looking at them breaks my heart.

But sitting there with you in my lap, I felt complete. For the first time in my life i have felt this way. That there is nothing more. I feel the same with with the other pups and with Mother. We are one family. We are complete. Nothing more needed.

When i was with you, it was like the whole universe was there. The universe was present. How do i put it ? The Universe is experiencing this bond. I have found life in you, i have found the whole world in you all. I now can say i know what it is to live, i know why this universe came about, i have lost myself totally in you little creatures and your mother. She has no idea what a wonderful job she has done in bringing you all into this world. She should be proud but knows not.

I went for a walk in the afternoon, but could not meditate. I was full of emotion, that is at a bursting point. I just cannot stop thinking of you, little one. Day and night my mind revolves around you.

What you are teaching me

Sheru and Dolby came to teach me love, devotion ... bhakti. It is because of their love that I was able to love You, Father.

Today, these pups and their mother are here to teach me service. How to serve others. The desire in me to serve You, O God, is so strong it is eating me alive. All i want is to work as per your will. I have nothing left in me. I promise You, Mother, Universe, take my will away, so you can work through this body. I have nothing to lose now but the things that hold me back from being completely your loving servant. I am only blocking what needs to express itself. Let this "I" go so this body can be free. I am tired of holding back.

The mind talks big about bhakti and service but eventually holds the Being back. You can take it away, Lord. It is a blessing to serve your children, Father, Mother, the hugest blessing imaginable. That blessing is already mine. The ecstasy of serving you is already mine. Let these barriers go so i can be Yours completely. I have eaten enough, enjoyed enough, now let me serve You wholly, without hinderance, without these chains binding me.

O Universe, I love you so much, i just cannot tell you. I cannot contain it any longer, you are too dear. If only i could embrace you, if only i could kiss your feet.

I feel so connected to other beings, so a part of You. I need to drown in You O Lord, I cannot exist outside the water. My separate existence is suffocating me.

What a blessing

What a wonderful feeling. To put bits of food into your little bandaged mouth. You chomp up whatever i give you without fuss. How gracious is God to save your life. And that someone took you to hospital. and that you have such a fine, loving Mother. What a blessing to be born of such a mother. How blessed am I that I have the opportunity of serving you all beloved ones.

Thank you, Universe for your infinite kindness.

I will do what you want

My prayer nowadays to you is what is it you want from me in exchange of happiness for all beings, no more suffering for any living creature. Ask for anything, i will do anything, give anything for this. I would give my life, i would burn or freeze in hell for eternity if you could ensure and end to all suffering forever. i really would do anything.

i really mean this.

And there's a confession. there are still thoughts of revenge, that you should punish those that are doing wrong -- certain people i am riled with. That's just my ego that seeks revenge, i do not really mean it. Help me so i don't wish ill for these people. Whenever i see misfortune befall them, i know there must be some delight in me, even though i do not admit it even to myself. I immediately tie it in with the wrong i feel they are doing to others. i feel that misfortune is correct and deserved. I am mean, O Father, despite all your love and grace, there is still time and space in me for meanness and wishing others harm. Underneath the garb of virtuous thoughts is the same sickness of unhappiness that results in such thoughts.

I have no time for those things. After seeing your love and kindness, O Lord, where is there time for any living creature to be worrying about land, possessions, freedom, what happens to this temporary body. all this pales in front of you. I did not come here for this, O Father. Not to waste time on such thoughts. I must remain in enquiry and not abandon silence for silly worries. I did not come here to get wrapped up in the ego's petty games.

The pup that got run over

Today i went to feed the two remaining pups. I could not find the brown one so was prowling around. Then i saw a white leg and body inside the driveway where they often sun themselves. It has the same color and blotches as the one run over. It did not seem decomposed and I wondered how these people would allow a dead body to lie in their drive. After a while i could not hold myself, and walked into the driveway. There was a bandaged leg and a bandaged face. It was the run over one. I gave it some biscuits which it took. The others came over. Mother came and sniffed her (or him).

Then i walked back, and there was only one guard on the street. Normally the street has many drivers and guards standing around the big houses. This was the guard who had told me last week about this one being run over and surviving (the first time it was run over and survived). He told me that a lady on the next street (mine) who has a dog found him on the side of the road and took him to a hospital.

Later while going to get yoghurt, i saw a lady who lives across my house putting out her clothes on her balcony. She confirmed that she had taken the dog to Frendicoes (where i once took Chhota when he was badly bitten). She will be taking him everyday for dressings for four days. She said the pup was badly injured and mauled by a dog. She took him, he got a lot of injections. She then asked the people in that house if they could keep him as she already has a dog.

I continued then on my walk, but i've been so overwhelmed by this. O Mother, your grace your protection. I was wondering how you could save the pup once but let it die a week later. I just don't know how to thank you, Mother. I am just totally shaken.