So much of what I wrote was a lie

While glancing at early entries 2005 and 2006, I see that there's so much my mind had faked based on what I had read. The mind imagining it was dissolving, imagining that the "I" had gone and i did not know who I was.

Even today i should take all this with a pinch of salt, and just focus on the I-awareness and seeing what experiences consciousness. Who is the subject of this consciousness? I should not try to talk or think of what's happening internally.

There's no doubt that way back in 2005, I understood somehow at a deep feeling level that my "suffering" was a concept, and it was impossible for me to suffer in a continued way. There was definitely a huge weight off my head.

My love for Bhagavan has also meant that the past was no longer an issue and there's been very little worry about the future, since its all Bhagavan's will. There's been an immense relief since Bhagavan "came back".

Today there are still signs of subtle suffering in that i can get irritated by certain situations, and avoid them (example, talkative people). I am unable to accept these situations. There's still a need for quiet. Love is there but its still conditional which means it is the mind's selfish love, no matter how much it may pretend to be selfless.

Enquiry and being silent and aware is happening on its own, more or less, without the craving thought of "i've got to be realized". Perhaps, now that awareness is asserting itself, and silence is growing, I know that awakening is going to happen in this life, so i can relax about it.

Some look upon this Self as a wonder, another describes it as wonderful, and others hear of it as a wonder. Even after hearing about it very few people know what the Self is.


आश्चर्यवत्पश्यति कश्चिदेन-
     माश्चर्यवद्वदति तथैव चान्यः ।
आश्चर्यवच्चैनमन्यः शृणोति
     श्रुत्वाप्येनं वेद न चैव कश्चित् ॥२- २९॥

O Arjuna, the Self that dwells in the body of all beings is eternally indestructible. Therefore, you should not mourn for anybody. (2.30)

देही नित्यमवध्योऽयं देहे सर्वस्य भारत ।
तस्मात्सर्वाणि भूतानि न त्वं शोचितुमर्हसि ॥२- ३०॥

You are not apart from me, or I from you

ममैव त्वं तवैवाहं ये मदीयास्तवैव ते । 

यस्त्वां द्वेष्टि स मां द्वेष्टि यस्त्वामनु स मामनु ॥
                                    महाभारत वनपर्व १२.४५

You belong to me, and I to you. All that is mine is yours, too.

He who is your enemy is mine too, and he who is dear to you, is dear to me.

Bhagavan and devotees

 नरस्त्वमसि दुर्द्धर्ष हरिर्नारायणो ह्यहम् ।

 काले लोकमिमं प्राप्तौ नरनारायणावृषी ॥ 

You are Nara, O Arjuna, and I am Hari Narayana.

We, the sages Nara-Narayana, have come to this world for a purpose (at the right time).

अनन्यः पार्थ मत्तस्त्वं त्वत्तश्चाहं तथैव च । 

नावयोरन्तरं शक्यं वेदितुं भरतर्षभ ॥
                               महाभारत वनपर्व १२.४६ - ४७

Arjuna (son of Pritha), You are not apart from me, or I from you (i.e., we are one). No one is capable of understanding this difference between us, O Arjuna (Best of the Bharat Dynasty).

(Comment: In the second line, does it mean lack of difference).

Happy Birthday, Father

आत्मौपम्येन सर्वत्र समं पश्यति योऽर्जुन ।
सुखं वा यदि वा दुःखं स योगी परमो मतः ॥६- ३२॥

One is considered the best yogi who regards every being like oneself, and who can feel the pain and pleasures of others as one's own, O Arjuna. (6.32)



यो मां पश्यति सर्वत्र सर्वं च मयि पश्यति ।
तस्याहं न प्रणश्यामि स च मे न प्रणश्यति ॥६- ३०॥

Those who perceive Me in everything, and behold everything in Me, are not separated from Me, and I am not separated from them. (6.30)

Happy Birthday, Father

The yogi, who is devoted to meditation, is superior to the ascetics. The yogi is superior to the Vedic scholars. The yogi is superior to the ritualists. Therefore, O Arjuna, be a yogi. (6.46)

तपस्विभ्योऽधिको योगी ज्ञानिभ्योऽपि मतोऽधिकः ।
कर्मिभ्यश्चाधिको योगी तस्माद्योगी भवार्जुन ॥६- ४६॥

Perceive me in everything ...

Eternal and Unfading,
pervading the whole Universe,
Unchanging, the Ruler, Creator and Upholder of all,
and the truly Existent. 

Those who perceive Me in everything, and behold everything in Me, are not separated from Me, and I am not separated from them. (6.30)


यो मां पश्यति सर्वत्र सर्वं च मयि पश्यति ।
तस्याहं न प्रणश्यामि स च मे न प्रणश्यति ॥६- ३०॥

who am i, and staying as awareness

I just had a peek at the chapter on Self-enquiry (practice). It says we should stay in the I-awareness. Only if unable to do so, or taken out of it, we can use techniques such as question "who the I" is who is associating with a person.

Since at that moment we are lost as the personality, a mental questioning of this personality seems okay. Otherwise, if we can immediately come back to awareness, that is the best.

Constantly remaining in or reverting to awareness will reduce vasana's (mental tendencies), in the end the Self will destroy what is left.

constant attention to I-am

If attention is focused on the feeling of I-am with such intensity that the thoughts "I am this or that" do not arise, then the individual "I" will be unable to connect with objects.


If this awareness of 'I' is sustained, the individual 'I' (the I thought) will disappear, and in its place will be a direct experience of the Self.

This constant attention to the inner awareness of 'I' or 'I Am' was called self-enquiry (vichara) by Bhagavan and he constantly recommended it as the most efficient and direct way of discovering the unreality of the 'I'-thought.

Be as you are - p 45 (self enquiry -- theory). Ah, this clarifies everything, i need not worry, just remain in the I-Am awareness.

Where Bhagavan is, there is righteousness

जयोऽस्तु पाण्डुपुत्राणां येषां पक्षे जनार्दनः।
यतः कृष्णस्ततो धर्मो यतो धर्मस्ततो जयः॥

Success be to the sons of Pāṇḍu (Pāṇḍavās), on whose side is Janārdana.
Where Bhagavan is, there is dharma and where dharma is, there is victory.

स मां त्वमनुजानीहि कृष्ण मोक्ष्ये कलेवरम़ ।

त्वयाहं समनुज्ञातो गच्छेयं परमां गतिम़   ।।

O Bhagavan, give me permission to leave this body. Doing so with your leave, I will attain the supreme goal.

The personal Self

I know i should never talk about these things.
But let me show some confidence this time.

It seems that the sense of "I" has disintegrated to some extent. The whole "I" was not pointing to anything. It was hanging in mid-air, suspended, with self-references. but none of this pointed to anything concrete or actual. It is just a ridiculous concoction standing on the authority of its own claims and drowning out everything with its noise, so that it cannot be seen that it is suspended with no support or connection to anything else.

Yet, this silence or I-am, or presence which i hold onto, which is so real and so lovely that one wishes to be in it forever, it is seen, and it is held onto. And that requires effort and reminders. Day by day it is getting easier. But someone notices movement in and out of presence. That is an effortless seeing or noticing. Who is it that notices?

In other words, stillness or I-am is an object too. Or else how could i hold onto it. So now what is this subtle silent seeing, that sees sleep, waking, that notices all transitions, that notices thought and silence.

Or to put it another way, where is everything registering? where are sensory inputs, emotions, thoughts, I-am, silence etc all registering. what blessed thing sees all this without effort ?

Or is the personal self pretending it is disintegrating. After all there are still thoughts like "I am happier than before". Am i just saying these things out of habit, or as a reflex, or is the "I" still sitting silently pretending it is on it's way out.

(iTunes: Twilight soundtrack from youtube)

Mother

The other day I went to feed her. I found her behind a car. And oh my God, i was wondering all these weeks when would she would have babies and whether they would survive ... but what a surprise awaited me.

I cannot tell you, O World, how I felt. Not only were there five pups but they were all healthy and chubby and about a month old already. O Lord, i cannot tell you how grateful I am. Last time, her entire litter perished in the heavy rain a day or so after being born, and i came to know only after the event.

Such a joy to see them everyday. They are like my babies to me. Do they have any idea how dear their mother is to me. When i look at her it is like looking at the Mother Goddess. The love in her is unmistakable. Is this why the universe really exists, to feel love for others ?

There is You, Bhagavan, Father on one hand. And then there is this existence, consciousness, which is Mother. Her love and protection is unmistakable. Are you both the same ?

I find myself praying to this Mother, to Existence, that i am now ready to serve Her -- whatever it is You all want. Now there's nothing I want or need. Just your wish or will.

Whatever power created animals, and little ones, most especially puppies, I have complete faith in that power. I cannot suspect You, or mistrust you. I can only entrust my life to You. You who created love, who created mothers, and children, what can be greater than You. I cannot bear to struggle against You any longer.

I have been afraid all along to let go, to surrender control to you. I have been afraid if i let go of the false self, then people around me will force me to eat meat or to drink, and there will be no one to protect me. Or I might hurt or harm others through action or even words. Or i might get addicted to something. Or lose control. But who is it who put me on the path of truth, or non-violence, or vegetarianism anyway. Not the silly mind. It has to be something from You or the Self trickling through the impostor.

How can i trust the clever mind more than You. How silly of me. Whatever way it is you wish to run this life, You may. My love and trust in You is too much. I am ready to take on whatever pain or hardship that life may put my way, for You, for Your children. It matters not for me. Your children are most important.

I cannot suffer no matter what comes my way any longer. I know this. And to serve You and Your children would be the utmost honor.

The mind - like the wind

Lord Krishna said: Undoubtedly, O Arjuna, the mind is restless and difficult to restrain, but it is subdued by any constant vigorous spiritual practice such as meditation with perseverance, and by detachment, O Arjuna. (6.35)

श्रीभगवानुवाच
असंशयं महाबाहो मनो दुर्निग्रहं चलम् ।
अभ्यासेन तु कौन्तेय वैराग्येण च गृह्यते ॥६- ३५॥

Unsuccessful aspirant

अर्जुन उवाच
अयतिः श्रद्धयोपेतो योगाच्चलितमानसः ।
अप्राप्य योगसंसिद्धिं कां गतिं कृष्ण गच्छति ॥६- ३७॥


Arjuna asked: The faithful who deviates from the path of meditation and fails to attain yogic perfection due to unsubdued mind what is the destination of such a person, O Krishna?

श्रीभगवानुवाच
पार्थ नैवेह नामुत्र विनाशस्तस्य विद्यते ।
न हि कल्याणकृत्कश्चिद्‌दुर्गतिं तात गच्छति ॥६- ४०॥


Lord Krishna said: There is no destruction, O Arjuna, for a yogi either here or hereafter. A transcendentalist is never put to grief, My dear friend. (6.40)

प्राप्य पुण्यकृतां लोकानुषित्वा शाश्वतीः समाः ।
शुचीनां श्रीमतां गेहे योगभ्रष्टोऽभिजायते ॥६- ४१॥


अथवा योगिनामेव कुले भवति धीमताम् ।
एतद्धि दुर्लभतरं लोके जन्म यदीदृशम् ॥६- ४२॥


The less evolved unsuccessful yogi is reborn in the house of the pious and prosperous after attaining heaven and living there for many years. The highly evolved unsuccessful yogi does not go to heaven, but is born in a spiritually advanced family. A birth like this is very difficult, indeed, to obtain in this world. (6.41-42)

तत्र तं बुद्धिसंयोगं लभते पौर्वदेहिकम् ।
यतते च ततो भूयः संसिद्धौ कुरुनन्दन ॥६- ४३॥


There he or she regains the knowledge acquired in the previous life, and strives again to achieve perfection, O Arjuna. (6.43)

पूर्वाभ्यासेन तेनैव ह्रियते ह्यवशोऽपि सः ।
जिज्ञासुरपि योगस्य शब्दब्रह्मातिवर्तते ॥६- ४४॥


The unsuccessful yogi is instinctively carried towards God by virtue of the impressions of yogic practices of previous lives. Even the inquirer of yoga the union with God surpasses those who perform Vedic rituals. (6.44)

प्रयत्नाद्यतमानस्तु योगी संशुद्धकिल्बिषः ।
अनेकजन्मसंसिद्धस्ततो याति परां गतिम् ॥६- ४५॥


The yogi, who diligently strives, becomes completely free from all imperfections after gradually perfecting through many incarnations, and reaches the Supreme Abode. (6.45)



तपस्विभ्योऽधिको योगी ज्ञानिभ्योऽपि मतोऽधिकः ।
कर्मिभ्यश्चाधिको योगी तस्माद्योगी भवार्जुन ॥६- ४६॥



The yogi, who is devoted to meditation, is superior to the ascetics. The yogi is superior to the Vedic scholars. The yogi is superior to the ritualists. Therefore, O Arjuna, be a yogi. (6.46)

योगिनामपि सर्वेषां मद्गतेनान्तरात्मना ।

श्रद्धावान् भजते यो मां स मे युक्ततमो मतः ॥६- ४७॥

And I consider the yogi-devotee who lovingly contemplates on Me with supreme faith, and whose mind is ever absorbed in Me to be the best of all the yogis. (See also 12.02 and 18.66) (6.47)

He is the Mother and Father of all

He is the Mother and the Father 
of all living creatures. 
There never was, nor will be, 
any superior to Him of eyes like lotus-petals.


एष माता पिता चैव सर्वेषां पराणिनां हरिः
     परं हि पुण्डरीकाक्षान न भूतं न भविष्यति

I am yours, you are mine

ममैव त्वं तवैवाहं ये मदीयास्तवैव ते । 

यस्त्वां द्वेष्टि स मां द्वेष्टि यस्त्वामनु स मामनु ॥

                                    महाभारत वनपर्व १२.४५ 

seeking the source of this awareness

The only way to get out of this suffering, Father, is to seek the source of this awareness. I don't see any other way out. I can't keep promising myself that some bolt from the sky will magically free me, that some Godly being will suddenly pop up and deliver me, whatever that is.

I have to keep observing this awareness, no more just being present, or just coming back to silence. Sooner or later, the living force or whatever is here has to be seen clearly.

I have said this a thousand times, there is nothing, no thing or event or person or achievement that can bring me happiness, that can give me anything more that a moments relief and joy, everything can only give a false promise of happiness, nothing more than that.

SIlence comes and gives relief and a promise, too. But it goes and the underlying sensation of suffering or un-ease returns.

Can't wait any longer

O Father.

I just can't wait any longer. The desperation is huge. How does one balance love for you with silence or self-enquiry ? The love is tearing me apart.

I don't know -- maybe it's the suffering i see around me that's acting like a stake in the heart. Each day, for months I have had only one prayer to you, to deliver all living beings, to end the suffering of all beings, that all beings may be in peace and happy.

It cannot be a few hundred mature ones at a time. It cannot be for a few chosen ones. You have to save all being, the suffering is too intense.

Dear to me

अनपेक्षः शुचिर्दक्ष उदासीनो गतव्यथः ।
सर्वारम्भपरित्यागी यो मद्भक्तः स मे प्रियः ॥१२- १६॥


One who is desireless, pure, wise, impartial, and free from anxiety; who has renounced the doership in all undertakings; such a devotee is dear to Me. (12.16)

Bhagavan and devotees

यो न हृष्यति न द्वेष्टि न शोचति न काङ्क्षति ।
शुभाशुभपरित्यागी भक्तिमान्यः स मे प्रियः ॥१२- १७॥


One who neither rejoices nor grieves, neither likes nor dislikes, who has renounced both the good and the evil, and is full of devotion; is dear to Me. (12.17)

We would lay down our lives for one another

तव भ्राता मम सखा सम्बन्धी शिष्य एव च । 

मांसान्युत्कृत्य दास्यामि फाल्गुनार्थे महीपते ॥

एष चापि नरव्याघ्रो मत्कृते जीवितं त्यजेत् ।

एषः नः समयस्तात तारयेम परस्परम्
            

       महाभारत भीष्मपर्व १०७.३३ - ३४

Your brother (Arjuna) is my friend, relative, and disciple. I will, O king, cut off my own flesh and give it away for the sake of Arjuna. And this tiger among men also can lay down his life for my sake. O sire, even this is our understanding, that we will protect each other. (Trans)

Don't trouble any other creatures, and don't be troubled either

यस्मान्नोद्विजते लोको लोकान्नोद्विजते च यः ।
हर्षामर्षभयोद्वेगैर्मुक्तो यः स च मे प्रियः ॥१२- १५॥


The one by whom no other living beings are agitated and who is not agitated by others, who is free from joy, envy, fear, and anxiety, is also dear to Me. (12.15)


Note to self: "not being agitated by others" is a huge deal. The mind-ego will ensure that we are agitated by others. Maybe its just good, the Self exposing the chinks, the Self showing us where focus is required, the Self bring the ego out into the open for us to focus on it. The Self reminding us how important it is to enquire and not to be complacent.

Love and compassion towards all creatures

अद्वेष्टा सर्वभूतानां मैत्रः करुण एव च ।
निर्ममो निरहंकारः समदुःखसुखः क्षमी ॥१२- १३॥

संतुष्टः सततं योगी यतात्मा दृढनिश्चयः ।
मय्यर्पितमनोबुद्धिर्यो मद्भक्तः स मे प्रियः ॥१२- १४॥

Bhagavan and devotees (Annamalai Swami standing behind)

One who does not hate any creature, who is (unconditionally) friendly and compassionate (towards all creatures), free from the notion of "I" and "my", even-minded and forgiving in pain and pleasure (treating equally those who give pain and pleasure); and who is ever content, who has subdued the mind, whose resolve is firm, whose mind and intellect are surrendered to Me, who is devoted to Me, is dear to Me.

Krishna is Arjuna's Self, and Krishna's Self is Arjuna

Annamalai Swami

आत्मा हि कृष्णः पार्थस्य कृष्णस्यात्मा धनंजयः । 
यद ब्रूयादर्जुनः कृष्णं सर्वं कुर्यादसंशयम् ॥

Ramanatha Brahmachari front left corner

कृष्णो धनंजयस्यार्थे स्वर्गलोकमपि त्यजेत्।
तथैव पार्थः कृष्णार्थे प्राणानपि परित्यजेत् ॥
            महाभारत सभापर्व ५२.३१ - ३३

Mahabharata - Sabha Parva (52 31-33)

Thanks to you, O Annamalai Swami

Yesterday was Annamalai Swami Day. Thanks to you beloved Swami for loving Bhagavan, and serving him all your life. How fortunate to have lived in our Father's time. How fortunate to have had the opportunity to serve our Father. I can only remember with joy and of course envy --- envy that we are here today in a body looking back at those wonderful days, when our Lord and Father walked this Earth in a physical body.

Today, the only consolation I have is that I am surrounded by your children. All creatures are your beloved children.You clearly exist in all beings. But somehow when i look inside myself, whatever that myself is supposed to be, I don't find You there. There is nothing. Yet in every living creatures eyes, I see you shining.

And yet when I ask people, they do not know that they are your children. They do not feel your love, O Lord, they know not of your existence, O Father. I so wish to tell all the good news of your existence, of your endless love for all beings, but this looks like a secret I will die with.

When will you come ?

Father,
When will you come? I mean really come and unite, when will the separation be finished for ever, when will this "I" thought and identity go.

This enticing world

It is amazing how this world is ... how it can trap me! I am so in love with so much of this world ... the trees, the sunshine, the sunshine falling on the leaves, the greenery .... the animals, the birds, all creatures ... there is such a strong feeling that i am here to serve this universe ... i have no idea whether all this is a mind game to keep me trapped.

Yet, it is so joyous ...i can be so filled with joy at one moment, and then step back for a moment and realize how illusory all this is. Each and every creature right down to the insects are so dear. And yet a moment later anger can rise. I see all creatures as kings, as Your children, O Father, and myself as their servant, here only to serve them, not for myself. But yet, in all this first comes freeing oneself from the mind, from the impostor self.

let me never forget your name

O Father
Whenever i take your name, let me come back into silence. Promise me this.
And grant me that your name never leaves me, that I keep taking it.

I realize that just being silent is not enough. The "I"-seeds have to go through enquiry. And somehow inquiry may not be as complicated as we think it to be. Just observe them arise with distance. Hard to put into words. Its easy to fall for the I-seeds, but equally easy to be puzzled by them and just let them be.

What is this strange "I" business that goes on, and take us over. How utterly strange and fictitious. Mostly harmless but every once in a while it takes over like a huge electric current in the form of anger or rage, and can do any amount of harm in that moment.

Grant me, O Father, that I never get swept away by the "I" thought, let me be independent.

what does "I" point to ?

What is this thing or person that all this "I", these thoughts regarding an "I" or "me" or "my life" are pointing to ?

Why do i keep giving up this search without finding a satisfactory answer. why do i give up and try finding solace or relief in being busy, in activity ? Who is searching, who is running away ?

Your name, Father

I keep taking your name with each exhalation. It centers me, brings me back into silence.I need that little finger to hold onto, to make myself present and free of the mind. Your sweet name, Father.

Why did I never think of this before ? To take your name and be silent at the same time.

Ramana .... Ramana .... Ramana ....

Just when i think the battle is won, the mind comes back with new interests, new ideas ... pushing aside silence ... Father, till when will this continue, this molestation of the silent Being with the thoughts of this spurious entity that has controlled us all these lives. When will You step in, Father, when will you decide that enough is enough, and destroy the mind.

May all beings be liberated, Father. May all beings be free from suffering. May all be happy.

You are here now, Fathers

Beloved Fathers, Ramana and Buddha,

I know you are here, protecting me, standing guard, ensuring I don't stray too far, ensuring that nothing disables me. Such love, Fathers, you have. You have somehow slipped in a strong dose of bhakti in me, so i cannot falter ever. Sooner or later, my love will bring me back to You. Bhakti - the scent of the Master.

O Fathers, this silence is your scent, this stillness. Finally, there is hope that the morning will come some day. May I not abandon this scent ever till I reach You. No matter how much I may get enticed by anger, judgment and other devices the mind has for ambushing me. I confess that anger and revenge and judgment are sweet thoughts for the mind, the mind loves and thrives on them. But they are not inclinations that the Self has. These are not the path to You. For staying in your scent, I am doing my best to accept and not to resist, so i can stay silent. A tiny sacrifice, if i can even call it that, a tiny trifling exchange for the bliss and freedom of silence.

I love You, Fathers, always, forever. This illusion was worth it only for you. In this entire illusion, You (your form and mortal life) were all that really mattered, that made the whole experience worth it, along with your ever-present love and care and protection.

Finish it now

Now it's a question of remaining silent, or perhaps just shutting down. It's like the dying embers. However, there is still a lot of times when there is non-acceptance or anger or rage at what is. This energy comes up and takes over. I fight to enquire, or just not pay attention and become silent. It works for a while but eventually i become tired and the energy of judgment and resistance takes over.

I (the mind!) largely feels that i am nearing the end of this "journey". Its just a matter of conquering this inner resistance. It appears that freedom is now round the corner, and its inevitable. All the struggle and the yearning and wanting to be free was just a mind game to delay. Being silent, being aware and being vigilant (of the I-thought) was all that was required. The ego is not required to make this happen. It only deters although it perhaps does bring us to the starting point of knowing that there is liberation, of bringing us to the teacher. After that it only hampers.

At this point, meditation and bhakti are one, there's no difference, and so is vipassana (the Buddhist practice of clear seeing). Bhakti is not the mind game of remembering a body form, but being in constant awareness of the inner silence which is the real Lord. And this inner silence is so clearly Mother and Father. Watching bodily sensation (imo) is also the same thing, because one is then immediately looking at what is watching these sensations. So vipassana is self-enquiry.

There was this fear that in silence or self-enquiry, bhakti would get diminished erased. But it's stronger, if anything. The crying and complaining is replaced with an immense gratitude. There is a resolve, perhaps mental, that liberation happen quickly so that this body may continue the work of helping others in liberation -- the resolution of The Buddha to liberate all beings.

Lord, it has been a painful journey, but whatever is here, whatever there is that I can call myself, pledges to you that it is always here to help you in your work of liberating all beings and ending all suffering. May You be victorious.

Maintaining presence even during hostility

No matter what is happening around me ( I am in a very hostile atmosphere, no telling how things can go) I must remain in presence, in silence and not let the mind/ego take over.

I must have faith in You, O Self, O Father, I must have acceptance of what is, and forgiveness for those around me (no matter what they do). The only way for me to remain in awareness is to forgive and to accept. However, i still pray to you for peace for all concerned, so all are happy and free from suffering. May all beings be free of suffering, may all be happy, and live happily and harmoniously.

Constant prayer to end suffering

I shall keep looking into your eyes and asking you and praying to You to end all suffering for ever. Let all beings be in peace and joy, free of suffering and misery and pain, Fathers.

There are people dying, people killing others, people killing themselves, people waiting to die, people wanting to die, people struggling to keep alive, ... people in all kinds of misery from which there seems no way out.

Telling them that you exist, that you love all, that all are your beloved children is of no use. That would aggravate them even further.

Lord,  I am in so much pain, that I would do what you ask to see all beings happy and free of suffering. Name your price. Be clear. And if you do not answer, I shall remain in silence, in presence, for that is all I seem to know or be capable of. I am an utter failure in all things related to this world and society, i understand nothing. The only thing I can do, and that too just barely, is to be present. Even that silence is lost when there are ego attacks. But it's all I have, all i can do.

O Father, how beloved You are, how loving you are, the silence is another world altogether, another feeling, another dimension. O Silence, how mysterious you are, when will you claim me ...

May all beings be free of suffering for ever and ever.

Suffering

Father,
Please please protect and save those who are suffering. Please show them the way out. Arunachala Siva, please deliver all these souls. They know not, and are lost. Please save them. There is too much suffering everywhere. O Father Ramana, Father Buddha, and all others, please save those in pain. This is an urgent prayer.

Where has forgiveness gone?

Father,
Help me forgive others. For I know they are all You. You are testing me. Oh, how I am failing. How I am judging others. And all this takes me out of silence and awareness. Away from the Self, which is the only reality. All this is just .... not the Self, not what is in the present moment, and thus not real. It's the deceit of the mind.

egoic mind

The egoic mind is the only thing that takes you out of the present moment, and it is the generator of thoughts and feelings...

Source.

Notice anything other than thoughts or feelings.

Beware of the mind

The mind that thinks of things to do, today, and thinks nice thoughts, is the same mind that attacked me recently. The same mind that comes with nasty thoughts of anger and revenge. Do i want to remain at the mercy of this mind ?
Or do I want to be free of it as fast as possible ?

I am finding it hard to get back, after the recent ego attack. The mind is brittle now. Won't stay silent. Looking for things to do, things to think, any attempts at remaining silent and i get this tightness in the head.

I must remember every day that this mind i am entertaining, is the same one that attacked me viciously recently. It is deadly. I have to self-enquire day and night for a few days to get back to where i was, leaving all other activities. Please help me, Father. Nothing here matters to me. Nothing is of importance. I do not want anger and hatred, i have no use for hitting back at others. I want others to be in peace and happy, not to add to their suffering by hitting back, and thinking of things to say. Or thinking of how to deal with situations.

The Self, or awareness, will deal with situations and dangers appropriately, with no one being harmed or pained, with everyone happy. My mind can only give me solutions from its standpoint of insecurity, solutions which will keep me in fighting and conflict with others. Solutions that will keep me from being able to enquire, to throw all this away, from being in peace. Peace and liberation is what i want at all costs. If the price is just giving up conflict, then that's so easy. Lord, take it from me. Lighten me. Let me feel love and not be hurt. After all, all are you. All is your will.

Please protect my enquiry. Protect my path. Don't let the ego/mind molest me so badly. Protect me, O Ramana. O Ganesha, remove all obstacles.

Ego is a deadly thing

I've just realized how horrible the ego can be, how it can totally paralyze and take over. It is necessary to keep investigating as to who is here, who is unhappy/angry/suffering. Otherwise the ego can take over.

Self-enquiry is the only thing that can stand against the ego when an ego-attack happens. Even then SE has to be relentless, one cannot stop when one feels peace. We have to keep seeing, who is feeling peaceful, otherwise the ego is just waiting to make a second attack. This is not a questioning, or mental mantra or verbal repetition. I don't know whether I have it correct but it is an active examination.

And it is difficult at first. Which is why i say that the ego is a deadly thing. I've seen how horrible it can be, and how it just won't be put down. It will not give up control. It will just sit in wait, and lurk and then attack when totally unexpected.

I have to keep enquiring, keep inquiring at all times, no stopping, no breaks. Thank you, ego-attack, you have really woken me up and shown me your true face.

Awareness is spreading

Awareness is permeating everyday life. Sometimes i feel it was a not a good day in terms of practice, but in the longer run, awareness is getting integrated with day to day activities. So it will always be tougher -- easier to be aware sitting in a chair, than while doing mundane activities, or in a discussion with someone, especially one where this is some egioc conflict going on. To bring myself back to awareness and peace after disturbing incidents.

Right now, the way things are, there is no chance of going to a peaceful, quiet place even for a few days, or visiting Arunachala. I don't see it happening for a long time now. I have to make peace right here, in the city, in this disturbed environment, in this very "dysfunctional" environment. It is a big test. I think this will only strengthen my ability to remain aware.

I ask so much of you, Father. Rarely do i even think of thanking you for your grace. Beloved, free me of this ego, of this "me", of delusion. Free me from what is false. Let me find you quickly, do not make me wait more. However, i accept your will happily for it is so evident that you are pulling me to You.

O Self, pull me in, O world, push me in from the outside.

Sometimes, I just enjoy lying in bed and focusing on my breathing. Or just dropping everything, and being nothing at all. There is a wonderful freedom in it. As though, one is nothing.

It is so strange, how could i possibly be trapped in this tiny little body and experiencing.

Some readings ...

The real glory of meditation lies not in any method but in its continual living experience of presence, in its bliss, clarity, peace, and most important of all, absence of grasping. The diminishing of grasping in yourself is a sign that you are becoming freer of yourself. And the more you experience this freedom, the clearer the sign that the ego and the hopes and fears that keep it alive are dissolving, and the closer you will come to the infinitely generous "wisdom that realizes egolessness."

...

To integrate meditation in action is the whole point, ground and purpose of meditation.

Whatever method you use, drop it or simply let it dissolve on its own, when you find you have arrived naturally at a state of alert, expansive and vibrant peace. Then continue to remain there quietly, undistracted, without necessarily using any particular method. The method has already achieved its purpose. However, if you do stray or become distracted then return to whatever technique is most appropriate to call you back.

Attention as "I"

There is this attention. The attention is on awareness, then it is on thoughts or feelings, then again on awareness. I interpret it as "I am aware, or I am in awareness, now I am in thought".

So is (this) awareness an object. And what is attention ? Is this also an object with someone watching it. Can I be the attention ? I think i am observing attention.

This question "who is seeing all this?"  has really grabbed me. There is this investigation going on, that is almost poignant (?), sometimes I feel i am going to burst into tears, since there really seems to be no way of my looking back as to where sight or experience is coming from. There is a helplessness, a ... tragic feeling to it. Consciousness trying to examine itself ... From where has it arisen?

All i can do at such moments is just finally come back into awareness. Yet, Papaji does in one video tell us to retrace our steps back. So it can be done.

I really deeply need to know who I am, and I do not mean in terms of some limited identity or person. But who is this who is conscious. From where is it. I don't care if i blow up in finding out, or it all vaporizes, or the silly "I" dies. I don't care what happens as long as the question is put to rest.

Why it feels tragic or poignant is because its like an orphan trying to figure out who gave birth to him. Where does he start. No one knows. And yet, that's all he wants to know. All consciousness wants to know is where it arose from.

Clear Seeing (vipashyana)

Amazing. I have been reading a page or so of Tibetan Book of Living and Dying every night. Here, too, they talk of pure awareness as being the meditation. Sogyal Rinpoche clarifies that resting in nowness or stillness is a great accomplishment, however he likens it to a glass of muddy water. If not stirred, the mud settles to the bottom. However, if at any time we stir it again, the mud will rise.

Thus, resting in nowness does not lead to liberation. Nowness becomes a subtle object, and the mind a subtle subject. So we remain in subject-object duality. As one's onepointedness in Calm Abiding increases, obscurations are removed and one can move into the openness that is the "wisdom that realizes egolessness". This is what will uproot delusion and liberate you from samsara.

This is on p75-76. I am only quoting from memory.

Where are you, Father, in awareness ?

There is a growing clarity that the "I" is just something/someone that arises in awareness. On some days it is clear and effortless and joyous. Other days, it can be difficult, with the "I" hitting back.

But more and more is the realization, that the "I" or mind is powerless to do anything. No matter what, awareness is always there, unaffected. And then there is this nagging question or looking back, as to who is experiencing all this, even this awareness.

O Master, why do you hold back ? Why dither, why wait and watch. You promised to swallow us whole, did you not ? Why let us suffer in this illusion -- just destroy what's left so one can be free. I am not afraid, i promise you, of totally losing the personality, the identity, the mind. It really doesn't matter any longer, I don't have any investment in it. Nothing more to please me there. It's over.

Where are you in the awareness, Beloved Father, where are you hiding, when will I know for sure that we have united ???

who is aware of consciousness

I am aware of being conscious. So who is aware of consciousness ?

What is present between the thoughts ?

Pay attention to the stillness between the thoughts. See what is present.

what is paying attention

Simply notice what is paying attention when you are not thinking. Everyone has this consciousness or awareness. And this noticing what is between thoughts is consciousness seeing itself. This is Self-recognition which blossoms into Self-realization.

The mind tries to worry about meditating more!

Remember, nothing that happens in the mind is "you", and none of it is your business.

You don't have to worry about thoughts that rise up inside you.

Whatever kind of thought arises, have the same reaction. "not me, not my business". It can be a good thought or a bad thought.

You are the awareness. Remain as the awareness, and don't latch onto anything that is not the awareness.

(p84 FT - Annamalai Swamy)

Swamy gives the same reply to questions about the mind saying "I should meditate more, I should remain in the Self at all times."

Keep that awareness and don't worry too much about what is going on in your mind and what it means.

All questions are mind traps

The doubts that occasionally come -- they do not come from awareness, they come from the mind, does awareness have a question - NO.

All questions are mind-traps, conceptual debris.

Reminds me that Michael Langford also said something like :

See how the ego is directing every thought you think to create a way to preserve its imaginary self.

Ask of every thought, idea, concept, belief, etc... Does this thought, idea, concept or belief help the ego illusion to continue?

The mind asks silly questions like : how will one live, am i really free, can't i always be like this, why are thoughts coming, what do i have to do to kill the mind or make thoughts go away, am i really happy like this, how to make this effortless, i am not yet stable in this awareness, ...

In all such cases the "I" is the mind, the old self, the story in the past that never existed, not the living "I" in the now that has no need to say or think "I".

What is this "I" to whom you are referring who has become entangled in the body and wants to know the answer? 

- SNM (Prior  to C, p 22)

awareness

Awareness is setting in and sort of spreading out to more moments of my day. Although at this point, i cannot say it is effortless. There is the interweaving or alternation of thought and awareness - a bit of a fight by the mind. But there are no periods of being in the mind and forgetting awareness. Awareness comes back within a second or 2.

I still try to keep mentalizing silence, recognizing it, labeling it. "Aah, I am silent now!". However, the peace is growing, the mind's grip on me is failing, the old tragic story is almost gone. Identification is still there in a subtle way like when i might say "I am spending more time in awareness than before". "I still have thoughts" "I wish this mind would go away". These thoughts are still very much mind-identified thoughts. Also, recording this in a blog, is again the old self trying to record change, whereas for awareness there is no change, or nothing to report.

"I must be aware at all times - i must not be taken over by thoughts" - another mind identification. Need to loosen up. Just let it fall off. Just be.

I am also trying hard at times to see if the I can be observed, the witness can be witnessed, the consciousness itself can be witnessed. No luck.

Bhagavan's true feet

Hold onto the Self within. That is the Guru's true feet.

-- Bhagavan to a devotee

Awareness at each moment - don't let up for a moment

That is why meditators should always note diligently. One should not relax one's effort, thinking, "this little lapse should not matter much."

The meditator who is really intent on attaining the path and its fruition should rest from meditation only when asleep. At other times, and in all waking moments, one should be noting continually and without let up.

From a Vipassana book. "Noting" here refers to noting each movement, intention etc. The context is Ananda's attainment after a night of walking meditation, he lies down and is noting each movement as he lies down. At that moment, he attains arahant-ship.

In our case, awareness of being/self at each moment from waking to sleep. No let up.

See also: clear knowing

Ananda and The First Council

I was just reading this about Ananda, brought tears to my eyes.

You alone, Father

I went to the root of things,
and found nothing but Him alone.

- Mirabai

Is this awareness being observed ?

Is this awareness a phenomenon ? Attention moving from awareness to thoughts and back ?
Am I awareness, or the attention moving back and forth ?
Is something watching the awareness ?
And who, for crying out loud, is the "I" who wonders this, or who abides in awareness, or who "looks" back ?
Who will finally say: yes i am this awareness, or no, I am something else behind it?

Father, help, give a push, give direction. Most likely I will just simply stay in awareness and not look back, perhaps not really ripe for this.

Looking within - where is all this going

2010-04-04 22:48

Strange. During and after my evening walk things have changed a bit. Rather than abiding in awareness, i seem to be in an awareness that is looking back to see what is experiencing all this. Is this adding something to pure awareness, if so is it sort-of an unspoken thought. Or a wondering, or is it a silent thought-free enquiry. But i can say that it does not have the clouded property of being in mind-awareness, it is clear, it is watchful, attentive. It is like "what is aware", "who is experiencing" except that no question is asked. One is abiding in this attentive state. It seems to be urgent, a need to know what is behind this, where is all this input going.

I was sitting with guests (Chhota and family! six months old and adorable), and my eyes were trying to take a step back. While walking in the park, the feeling at the feet, and whatever my eyes were seeing, instead of eyes focusing just on a tiny portion of the ground, they were taking in as much of the trees and scenery and looking back as to where this is going.

Update: 2010-04-05 20:11 - I think for the moment i should just stick with the old "being in awareness" thing, no improvising.

O, Father

2010-04-04 12:34

O Father
Beloved, I am still so starved of You. Whenever your name or your form comes in my mind, or I remember your so-called physical life, it becomes unbearable. Oh, why did you ever have to leave the body, even if it was not really You. Why did you have to be you. Why did you have to lead such a beloved, dear life.

How will i ever be able to forget your form, your eyes, your words, your love to all beings, your gentleness, your kindness, your shadow, your feet, ... not that I even want to. I would rather suffer the pain of remembering you, than the momentary joy of some entertainment.

You made me to love You, did you not. You had me custom-made so that every cell and pore of me would totally love You, every aspect of you. At the expense of sounding vain, you did a perfect job -- for everyone else, and for everything else i may be full of imperfections and lackings and faults, but when it comes to looking at you, and seeing you, and recognizing you, and loving you, and knowing that you are Father, you did it perfectly.

Why not just swallow me now, Father. Or would you like me to enjoy this a while longer. Am i not ready yet, not cooked enough, or perhaps not seasoned or a few more "pressures" are required. How much longer will you play these games, where can you possibly hide now. I have found you out finally, i have found your hiding place -- the simple awareness, the thought-free awareness in each of us is where you hid all along,
waiting for us.

Right now my heart is aching for you, but shortly I will get a grip on myself and hold onto your feet (your feet made of consciousness), and it will all be alright. And you will make the end of this silly mind that separates us fast and quick, won't you Lord, don't allow it to linger on for the rest of my
life, or even another year.

O Father, O Ramana, Ramana, Ramana, let me take your sweet name a few times before becoming silent.

Bhagavan is waiting for us in the Heart

Do not limit Bhagavan (Parabrahman) to the body, but find Him in your heart, because He is already there waiting for you.

I can't believe you said this so many times, and i quoted and posted it so many times, in different ways, but never understood and/or believed it.

You are here in awareness, Father. That is the one place you will always be in, from where no one can take you away from us, the best place to "hide" yourself -- from where you can never be lost.

God hides himself in the awareness of all creatures, from where they can never be separated !!!

Conscious Living begins

I know it's a bit premature to say such things.

As most of the time goes in awareness, or being awareness, or just being (unlike the earlier completely mind-controlled or mind-conscious state), it is like a new life. An aware or conscious life.

Awareness is just a normal state now. The initial excitement was perhaps due to mind-labeling, now that the mind has stopped labeling, it's just become a normal state.

One can now appreciate that the mind was a disease. The stink has not yet completely washed off. I can say that I am out of the prison gates, the guards are still running after me holding on now and then, but physically I am out. There will never be any suffering for me again. For others around me, yes, there is a lot of pain to see everyone trapped totally in their mind-prisons, everyone still identifying with the imaginary wispy mind-story, rather than the tangible, real, ever-present awareness.

This is a milestone, maybe a small one. Maybe one day I will look back and think how naive and foolish I was to think suffering was actually over in March 2010, or that i was free of the mind at this point. I will look back and laugh at this day. But it is at this stage that the struggle to be aware was over, and at this stage the identification shifted over, or began to.

Yes, awareness is not continuous for me, the mind is not dead, there are memories, I still talk of yesterday and tomorrow with others, I still refer to this body as "I" and me. This activity of blogging "my" state is a mind/ego activity.
I do not know who is aware of this awareness, who perceives this perceiver, who witnesses this witness. I still prefer to be physically by myself so i can remain in awareness as long as possible. I keep away from entertainment, TV, and socializing so I can remain silent as much as possible. That has to be done.
The mind still takes me to the Shiva statue in the park nearby for a quick prayer to give me strength to defeat the mind and be myself forever, to be free of the illusion.

Consciousness Alone is (Papaji)

Victory to King Ramana Maharshi !

I awoke with a dream. It was a strange dream but there was a song being sung in it, and it had a beautiful refrain "Raja Ramana Maharshi ki Jai" (Victory/Glory to King Ramana Maharshi).

What a wonderful world it must have been, where You, O Father, are a King. There was a lady whose husband was about to be executed, but she was certain that a series of events were to happen that would prevent the execution. She was detailing the events, perhaps You had told her what would happen and not to worry.
I was somewhere there in the crowd hearing the song, with tears in my eyes as the refrain came, trying to memorize it for later.

I then woke up in a very mental state (mind/body identification), feeling the pain of bereavement of You not being here in body. A pain that follows us life after life till we awaken from this dream. A pain for which there is only one solution - to awaken. Nothing else inside this mind-body illusion can save us.

Yet, putting our love for you aside to Be oneself, putting the mind aside and resting in oneself, is so difficult. I can put aside all other desires, pains, loves, enjoyments in a trice and stay in consciousness, but to put aside You !!!

And yet it must be done, for you are awareness and not something to be found in the mind. So let me put aside this pain, and this mind and come back to You in the "I"/self-awareness.
Victory to You, O King Ramana, and to all your followers, and all those who come onto the direct path :-D I love You so much, always.

The stick and pyre analogy of Bhagavan Ramana

This I-feeling, or simple, silent, self-awareness, is the stick that Bhagavan Ramana said is used to stir the burning pyre and in the end itself gets destroyed.

Pay attention to the awareness reading this. This is the I-feeling.

Or close your eyes, and notice your consciousness. This is the I-feeling or self-awareness.

Or, keep your mind still. This is self-awareness.

Or, be totally in the Now. Not a moment before or after. Is this not "me" ?

Or, focus on a plant, or object, or your hand. Now bring focus back to the awareness that is looking. Is this not yourself ? And yet not your mind or body! This is the "I" or  I-feeling - a thoughtless feeling.

This has very often been experienced by us, everyday, every hour, even every minute, but overlooked since we (the mind) wanted something grander, something tangible, concrete. But now the mind is tired of things and experiences, it is open to observing this awareness that is just there.

The more we return to this awareness, the sweeter and more intimate it becomes, but that is not to say that anything has got added to it. It is still the same clear, unassociated awareness, but since the association with the mind is weakening, so our taste for this silence or stillness is increasing. Even this is just a mental way of trying to express it.

The beauty of being in this awareness without any story or weighty identity -- cannot be matched by any experience. No doubt, there still could be and must be a mental aspect judging this as beautiful, or pretending there is very little identity left. And yet none of this silence or stillness is new or created or manufactured. Its just as though (again mind trying to explain) this silence was never noticed, it was always there but I ignored it.

The reason I log this, is only to share the ease of Bhagavan's direct path, this is the easiest and most natural way. No prerequisites. We are only using what was always there, to take us to --- what was always there!

Be self-aware and still

Once Sri Ramana said the whole truth is contained in the words”Be Still”.


So if one is self-aware and still, one has grasped the method.


This path (attention to the "I"/ I-feeling) is the direct path; all others are indirect ways.    (BAYA - DG,  p110)

Books complicating the path of Bhagavan

A grudge i have against all these writers who write about Bhagavan's teachings. Entire volumes on Bhagavan's path, when Bhagavan only wanted us to remain as our I-feeling, or awareness, or to trace the "I" back to source.


Such books rather than do a service to seekers, delay seeking by:

(a) giving the seeker the impression that there is a lot to be understood before enquiry can be done, thus enquiry is a complex thing

(b) only after reading this and various other books should he be starting, otherwise he will start off with insufficient knowledge, thus delaying practice

(c) trapping seekers in a web of concepts

And so its not surprising that most of us are delaying self-enquiry or saying that we started and dropped it, or it never worked, or its only for advanced seekers, etc. Just opened a book that is 573 pages long, and it has only concepts for most of the 573 pages! I started it last year and dropped it midway. So today i jump to last chapter and after a lot of religious stuff, and warnings that it is difficult finally the author does mention "self-attention". Phew! Finally, after 550 pages or so. Thanks for taking thousands of readers through 550 pages of concepts on consciousness, finally to tell us that SE is difficult and requires God's grace and what-not.

I have the same to say for all the other books, anything that puts Bhagavan's path in more than a para or page is complicating it, and scaring people off. It scared me off for several years. Today, looking back, I find the truth in some of those books, however, embedded deep in the middle, hard to find, covered up and surrounded by all kinds of concepts and misconceptions since the authors never practiced themselves. Since the authors never felt the suffering or desire to free themselves of suffering enough to practice sincerely.

Let it all end at your Feet

When death comes,  let it be at Your Feet, O Beloved Father.
No matter what i have "suffered" in countless lifetimes, this whole drama or leela was worth it, if only for loving You and being loved by You.

Is this why You create all this, Father ? So surrender and bhakti can be experienced, so You can be destroyed in love. May all quickly find your Feet, Father. May all rejoice with You.

The choice: awareness or spirituality

Much better to remain in this simple awareness, than to keep reading "spiritual" stuff. This simple state is the natural state.

How strange that one missed it all these years, even after reading so much so-called spiritual stuff. One wonders whether the authors of all these tomes (weighty tomes on self-enquiry, haha) really recognized themselves while writing chapter after chapter about their own true nature.

Another thing that really hinders the seeker from the truth, or the sufferer from relief are all the so-called enlightenment experiences which most likely are all happening in the mind, inside the illusion. We expect and wish for such grand experiences, and reject awareness, since we believe those fantastic experiences must happen. But who would experience all those things ? Our awareness only - us only.

This awareness is the Self they told us to hold onto

2010-03-29 19:26

When Bhagavan and Annamalai Swami and others have been referring to
"holding onto the Self" and "I am there as your Self" etc, what used to
confuse me was that I have never experienced this Self which i imagined
to be some fantastic thing.

Today, its clear that it is the simple, silent awareness they were
speaking of. Hold onto the awareness or I-feeling. The simple, awareness
that is reading this at this moment. This simple awareness or I-feeling
which anyone can notice in an instant, is Bhagavan's Feet, it is
Bhagavan, it is the Self.

Perhaps, it was only my misunderstanding, or perhaps a translation
problem, or maybe they just did not have any other way of saying it, or
if they did I have been missing it all along.

Now I can see why Bhagavan simply refused to change his stance on the
path - even though others around Him insisted that "ordinary" people
could not understand the direct path. Because it is the easiest, most
natural sense, devoid of any concept or thinking, and thus available to
all - regardless of education, intelligence, "maturity" (whatever that
is).

As we pay attention to the awareness, the mind is clear, we are thought
free - so simple, no need to struggle to be thought-free in order to
meditate.

Once one is able to stay in awareness (with a few days of practice), then
when the question is asked: where is this "I" arising from, where did
you come from?, this question takes on a very real meaning, it is no
longer an intellectual or philosophical question.

As long as we identify with our mind-personality, this "who am i" can be
a very philosophical question, we may "think" we understand it. But when
the identification begins to shift to the ever-present
silence/stillness, then the question is very real and shocking.

Phew! I wasted so many years thinking this awareness was not the Self
that was being spoken of.

Mind creates doubts on true nature ...

Here's a piece i came across, that explains what's going on:

An essential aspect of awakening is knowing your true nature without any doubt.

The doubt leads to questioning. The questioning leads to re-identification with our limited lives and inherent suffering.

Because the silent awareness is subtle at first, we can doubt its absolute presence. The mind is very active as it constantly questions in an attempt find something concrete. So doubt, even after clear recognition, is very common. Thus re-identification with a story about a life is very common. So how can we move past this doubt?

From what we have heard or read we may have a belief that there is a grand moment when we suddenly know our true nature without doubt. This may have happened to some, but this is not necessary.

Knowing without any doubt comes from multiple confirming moments, when we recognize our true nature independent of our circumstances. We recognize the unchanging presence when we are healthy or sick, happy or sad, tired or refreshed. We recognize this constant presence. This regular testing following the initial recognition of our true self solidifies our knowledge of our true nature.

We recognize how the silent awareness is untouched by sadness or happiness. It is not sad or happy. It cannot be tired or ill or agitated. It is. Always the same. And when this is repeatedly acknowledged, a transformation unfolds from the core of your being.

Knowing without any doubt transforms one's identity from limited, vulnerable and subject to change to the universal identity, free from change, from circumstances and from the world.

And this knowing without doubt allows all the other moments of identification with a life or a story to diminish. Moments of identification with life will arise, but they can’t take root the way they used to. You can no longer believe in the story when the suffering begins.

It is like when we dream, and think the dream is absolutely real. We also take the stories about our lives as absolutely real. However, when we totally identify with our true nature, we no longer consider the dream or the story to be real. It is like the movie on the screen. We can enjoy the movie and get involved in the movie, but it no longer has any permanent hold on our lives.

This is the great value of the essential process of multiple confirmations of our true nature following the initial recognition of Self. All doubt is eliminated. And the stories which arise are recognized as stories all happening from and within our permanent, true nature.

Source.

Peace is where there is no "I"

Papaji 1992 (Contemplation)

Give me strength, O Father

Father,

Give me strength not to fall for mind games. Strength to remain in thought-free awareness, strength not to be distracted, to follow your path correctly(*) and not be fooled by any sensation or what is not real. Strength to reach you and be absorbed into You, O beloved Ramana.

Nothing else matters, Father. Let my yearning for union be strong and not waver for a moment.

(* I read a piece by Michael Langford who says that many paths sound similar but are not the direct path. They are paths created by the ego to delay. To me, the awareness looking at this page is the I-feeling, and it is the Now or what i feel when I stay in the Now. Being in the Now (E Tolle) is also a way of getting back to awareness when diverted. Paying attention to this awareness or I-feeling is what you also asked us to do, i hope).

The I-feeling or self-awareness is so evident as the "saviour" or "path", one is already in awareness, so natural, unlike the hazy, wavering, mental state.

A few days back the awareness that kept asserting itself, it was so clear that my identity had realigned with it. Now suddenly, that identity has worn off. Either the mind is trying to take it back, or the novelty is wearing off, I am not sure what is happening. I am trying to remind myself that the awareness is me, not anything else. Still, i am increasing the amount of time I spend in awareness. I don't see any going back, there is no desire left to get busy doing things the mind/body was interested in earlier.

Remain in awareness

2010-03-27 20:49

Now is the time to remain in awareness, in the Now. Not to let the mind
try to create doubts as to identity. The mind is trying to create a lot of thoughts and pull me back into a story, or to make me doubt whether the awareness is really me, or there should be something vastly greater or grander that is me. Trying to disidentify me from stillness.
Trying to make enquiry a mental process again.

I must silently stay in awareness for a week or 2 more till i spend more and more time effortlessly in awareness before i try enquiring or
questioning. (Till a day or so ago. awareness had almost become second-nature, but now the mind is fighting back!)

Ignore distractions, ignore emotions, other feeling of joy, bliss, love
etc. If they are real, they will remain upon further stillness or
enquiry. No hurry.

Who sees the I-feeling (awareness)

2010-03-26 19:30

So it seems the I-feeling is not the real I, although it certainly seems so. After all, the I-feeling comes and goes, and something sees it has passed and a thought has come in. and then something notices that the awareness or consciousness has come back.

Is this a mind game ?

Who sees this, Bhagavan might ask us to investigate.

Nisargadatta Maharaj says:

Realize once for all that neither your body nor your mind, nor even your consciousness is yourself and stand alone in your true nature beyond consciousness and unconsciousness.

You are right here, in awareness, holding my hand

I now spend time sitting in awareness. Could have some recording on (about awareness, or enquiry) or some soft music on. Often i just look at my feet or legs as i sit on a chair, with back straight, not resting back.

I also walk quite a bit in the park, keeping in awareness. Awareness is normal, its me. So its not a sadhana any longer. its not effort. its just being me.

I do focus back, and see who is in this awareness, or who is behind all
this, who is moving in and out of awareness. who is moving from awareness to thought and then back to awareness. who just asked this question.

How much love this universe or Self or our Master must have for us, that
it gives us this gift of awareness.


2010-03-25 14:46

Whenever i am awareness, whenever i am present, I know You are here,
holding my hand. I no longer have to keep calling out to You to help, and wondering if you are really carrying me along.

Awareness is proof that You are here and with me.

Till three days or so ago, I used to beg you for physical death, for an end, i stopped believing that there was anything other than body identification. I thought it was all a hoax. Now i am so light, no worries, no concerns, now i look at You and laugh, look at you in a different way. Oh, how silly of me to doubt you. How mischievous you are, Father.



2010-03-25 18:24

I was so afraid as to how i would live the next 40 or so years. So
utterly terrified. Now that awareness is setting in, and recognized as
I, the fear is gone. I am fine.

Spent a few hours walking in the park, aware. Thoughts do come and go,
but I am not concerned or disturbed. The identification with thought is
weakening, more of a habit i guess. Awareness comes back always, no
reminders necessary, No "oh my God, i forgot to be aware for so long".
It just comes right back.

Thank you so much O Father, for listening. The relief is great. I don't
know how the error happened, but thankfully it's a thing of the past.

The sweetness of silence

Now there is a sweetness and intimacy to the awareness (or I-am, or present moment).

It (I actually!) was always there, I reached it (myself) a million times but never recognized it.

Mental note: I have to stop calling it "it". It's me.

Present Moment

2010-03-20 10:03

I am pushed repeatedly into awareness or presence, like there is no alternative now, nowhere else to run, no other escapes or shortcuts. This is where anything is to be found, if anything. Even You my Father, if to be found anywhere will only be found in this moment.

And at the same time, for the last few months, is this bursting in the heart -- this explosion of love and that is just increasing. It frightens me at times, as to where it might lead. Is it something selfish, disguised as something selfless, or is it your will.

So my days are alternating between being in the present, and tears of love, and being completely overwhelmed and shaken by this thing.

May we have courage, Father

May we have courage, like the great Mirabai, to not give up, to not lose hope in You, O Father.

Here is a link that moved me. Some beautiful paintings of her. She endured torture and scandals by relatives, but still did not give up faith in You.

Chittorgarh Online Photo Gallery.

You have given so much, O Father

2010-03-16 11:50

Lord,
What can i complain to You.
You have given _so_ much.

Most of all is the gift of awareness. Of silence, which shows us what is
real and what is not, and that ends almost all suffering.

Then there is Your love, having served You, and always being loved by
You. O Ramana! What can possibly be greater than being in love with You?

And now, there is this which is happening ... I can only sit in utter
disbelief and amazement as You give more than can ever have been
imagined.

I know that You will always protect those who have turned themselves
over to You. Even if our surrender is not complete. Even if our love is
far from perfect. However, there are some today whose lives and future
are in danger. There are some who are being wronged more than others and may not be in a position to protect themselves. I pray to You to fully
protect your child devotees.

Waiting ...

2010-02-21 12:38

Silently, and all alone, i await Your return, Father.
You came to this world in our last life. And surely you will come again.

It is hard, waiting year upon year ... but i have nothing else to do,
beloved, but to await your coming.

Hopefully, you will return in the same form, identical, so we can
recognize you. May we not mistake you for an ordinary 16-year old.

Oh, do not prolong this waiting, Lord, enough pain, the soul cannot
wait any longer, how can you ignore the cries of the soul, Lord.

Not this lovely world ... only You

Dearest Father

This world is beautiful, I love it more and more each day. I am joyous.
But ... no matter how lovely it is ... it is not for me. Only You, Father, are for me.

Only You. No beautiful worlds, no worlds bathed in love... how much longer does one have to keep asking and pleading with You and with Mother Universe, to reclaim one.

No longer do i want joy or bliss or happiness, what use has one of such things. One who has known You, O dear Father. One who looked into Your eyes, one who has heard your name, what use is anything for him.

I have no longer any tears left, or time for crying. No more prayers left in me, i smile and laugh with everyone. For this is not my world any longer, i have no involvement in it any longer. What can i say to all those who have never heard Your name or known Your intimate love.

Maybe I am joyous because I know that this body cannot be eternal, that sooner or later I have to "die" and so return to You is inevitable. No one can deprive me of "death". Or maybe i am joyous, because i am just tired of being in pain, and wanting, even wanting to be "me" or whatever that stuff was.

Okay, so you want me to hang around here while my parents are alive. Is that the deal? Will you keep me hung out here after that, too, for decades.

---

Or maybe I am joyous because I know that none of this exists. I don't nor does anyone else. And so the only option is to love all these innocent imaginary beings or appearances. But this joy is more of relief that the end is near, that this illusion has to fade out very soon. It is relief not something that i can want to be in for any longer.

How much longer

How much longer?

Father, how much longer do I have to hang out here? I don't belong here.
I have nothing here. I cannot get involved any longer in anything happening here. I no longer have any desire to entangle myself in what's happening here.

I just desperately want to get out of here.

I console myself somehow, each moment, that all these living creatures are only You, that all are your children, that this creation is Your creation and thus beloved. However, it is too clear that all this is wispy and mind-stuff, and the only reality is the stillness.