Where are you?

Precariously, i hold onto the self. There is nothing else.
And yet, nothing compares to Your love, Your grace. Whenever I call out, You respond immediately. But when will you emerge from hiding?

The mind ravages me with arguments, if I remember to call out to You, you immediately silence it. Sometimes I struggle to silence it myself.

I am in fear, fear of what is ahead, fear of the truth. So much has broken, so much has fallen off, its like hanging by a thread. I am afraid of what I may fall into ... there are things I fear more than death -- far more than death.

Yes, this is all in the mind, another mind trick, one must continue to hold onto the Self. Whatever, this is far better than living entirely in the mind, following invented feel-good sadhanas created by the false-self.

Whatever happens, I will always be happy that you exist, and are right here.

Self Enquiry - the only way

Dear Father,

Today is three years since you came into my life. The first year was tumultous!
It has taken me 3 years to understand and totally accept what you taught for 50 years -- the I am or Self-enquiry as a way of life.
For 3 years I have either concocted my own sadhanas, or fallen prey to others' ideas of sadhanas, but finally I am home. Finally, beaten and defeated by the tricks of the false-self, I have understood.

There is no other way (for me).

Many a times, I almost lost the battle, and then you picked me up and put me back in silent awareness. "Who Am I" makes such sense now. Nothing can make more sense - nothing. What I am is reality, that is SOOO clear, and everything else is false, dream-like. As time goes back there will be less and less falling back into falsehood.

The peace of what I am, is all i ever want - no fancy blisses, or experiences. Thank you for that. Let it be as you wish, all is acceptable to me.

Glory to Him who removes ignorance and darkness, and restores reality.