The search continues ...

But you are nowhere to be found.

I know you will keep taking up form, to be close to me, as long as I am in this body.

Your loss has changed me, I fear forever. Never will I be the happy carefree person I was. I used to think I was the happiest person in the  world, and I still think I was. Even when I smile at someone there will always be the shadow of your loss. I know your sister is still with me, but whenever she is with me, or I look at her, or think of her, I look with worry. If you could be taken away, then what about her. I worry now for her, too. Even more so since someone hit her on the eye the other day and she's been unable to open it (it is slightly better though). 

The world will never be the same again. I am done with this world. 

Just think of the suffering that millions have endured, losing their loved ones in accidents, needless wars, disease, etc. It is amazing that people don't struggle to liberate themselves even after so much suffering. It is amazing that everyone puts up with these horrors year after year, and just keep going on.

Beloved one, I promise you that i shall try to remain centered, in the present moment, in awareness at all times. There is nothing worthwhile to think about really, other than to remember you -- to just be silent.

Tonight, I was just walking with your family, your sister was walking in front of me in an alley, for a moment I thought it was you, she looked just like you. Today I was reminded of the story of an old lady devotee of Krishna who had one cow she loved. He took away that beloved cow from her, so she could completely focus on Him and reach him. The cow was the only hurdle to her liberation.

Nowhere to be found

I've been searching for you all over for 3 weeks now. I've checked all the places, markets, parks and residential areas within several miles of here. I've checked wherever I could. 

But you are nowhere to be found, my little one. I think of you all the time. What did you do to deserve this, dear one? All the joy has been sucked out of me with your loss. You have to be somewhere. Now I don't even know where to look for you.

Lord, help me. Take me to her, or bring her back. Please give me a clue. I am broken. I just cannot believe that I may never see you again, or that you might be dead. My little baby. Where are you?

My love for you

Beloved little one,

If my love for you were on one side, and the whole universe on the other, my love would still outweigh the universe.

Such is my love for you both little ones. I am shattered by your loss, my whole world has collapsed, i don't know if i can ever be the same. 

I will likely spend my life wondering what happened on that night of Diwali. Which way did you run? Where did you go? Where did you reach? How did your life go?

You will remember, beloved, how I used to ask you where you were before you were born. When you were 3 months old, i used to ask you where you were four months back. Have you gone back to where you were before you took this body? Or are you walking around. Are you afraid to return since you associate this place with firecrackers.

Every Diwali i will be reminded of you, beloved. I will never forget that it was Diwali that separated us. Forever.

In all this, everything has got shaken off. The only other thing, other than think of you, is -- what is conscious of all this. Everything else is now meaningless, like a silly joke. Never, never did I love anything as much as I love you.

Searching for you, my little one ...

Where are you, beloved one ?

Today I searched R-block, Pamposh and those areas. There's a large park when going down the road from R-block towards Hansraj Gupta that leads to EOK.

Yesterday, I searched the backside nullah, end to end, and i think you might have fallen in there and climbed out of either end. I am putting more details on all this on http://my-lost-dog.blogspot.in/.

Father, Mother, why are you silent ? Where is my beloved little one ? Is she even alive ? How could this happen to her? How could you let this happen? 

Where are you, my child ?

Beloved Mother,

Where is my beloved Gabbar ? 

Are you looking after her? Do you know how much I love her, and long to see her and touch her? Is she hungry? Is she cold, is she frightened, is she hurt? Is she even alive, or did someone run her down without a thought?

Do you think, Father and Mother, that I will live this life without the two of them, without ever knowing what happened to my beloved little one? It's almost 10 days.

Will you not lead her back, Mother, or lead me to her ?

Still searching for you ...

Today I was looking in the area behind Archana Cinema to Moolchand, the nullah area. in case you had fallen into the nullah and had waded down. There is no telling where you might have come out and walked or run. Every day, you probably go further and further away. Yesterday, I checked the M-Block market and C-block area.

Today someone from EOK called up to say a dog had landed up in their area, I sent her your pics but she replied it wasn't you. Beloved one, where are you ? How are you ?

Mother Earth, why don't you answer me. Where is my beloved one? Give me some clue, bring her back, or take me to her. What point is life without my little one. How I long to see my two little ones together, playing and running. Mother, do you wish to see the love in me die out.

Where are you, beloved child?

I have no idea where are you, my little one. I have looked quite far, and will keep looking.

Please Lord, help me find my little one. All day long I keep wondering where you might be, whether you are hungry and cold (of course you are). You are lost, bewildered, frightened. How I long to hold you in my arms, and feed you bread and milk with my hands as I used to. How I long to see you running down the street with Sher both tussling and wrestling. Both of you sitting together are the most wonderful sight my eyes have ever seen.

I remember how each night you would wait outside our gate peering in. My two little monkeys looking in. I always knew I would have to part with you one day, but i expected that day to come after ten years, not just one year. If only i had known I would not have gone for Diwali. I would have stayed back. One slip and you are gone.

O Mother Universe, can you hear me... Can you help my dear child back here. Can you guide her back? Can you guide someone will recognize her to her. Someone who will bring her back. Please Mother, Earth find a way to bring my dear Gabbar back. All failing guide her to someone who will love her and be kind to her. O Mother, when we leave these bodies may we be one, may we never be separated ever again.

Still looking for black pup

Father

I am still looking for my little beloved Gabbar. Today, I looked in the R and C block parks and drove around W block too. I must check the M-Block market. I cannot believe that she is lost, I cannot believe that I may never see her again. I cannot believe that she may no longer be alive, or may be in great pain somewhere, or frightened.

Please please guide me, beloved Father.

Pic taken when she was 4 months old (now one year old). Pic 1, pic 2.

one pup missing

Dear Father

Last night was Diwali. One of the little ones, Gabbar Singh has been missing since then. She was terrified of the crackers. I've called her a lot, whistled, looked around the forest behind, and the colony. I think she's in the ditch the connects the corner house and the forest. 

Please take care of her, Father, get her back, i am really worried.

Thanks.

Help me with my enquiry, Lord

I am trying hard with my enquiry. Help me, pull me in, Father.

Don't let me leave it.

I so love what You have given me. I am melting in love for my dear ones. I am so in love with my little ones.

I wish I could totally melt and be finished. 

Raja is back !

Thank you so much, Father.

I had last night given up Raja for dead. I was doing self-enquiry rather than think about him and have tears in my eyes.

Today, I drove around the other blocks, W, and the main road opposite Archana Cinema looking for him. But no luck. In the afternoon, I stepped out to get milk and there he was at the door, whining. I immediately fed him bread and milk. He was smelling of medicine. Yes, his hair had been snipped wherever there were bites and there was orange-ish medicine there. So some kind soul did take him to hospital. Later, I checked his ear and found that it had been snipped, so it seems he has been neutered as well. I did not turn him upside down to check for a incision, but looks like under his tail, under there is a vertical incision. Now it makes sense, he has been missing for 4-5 days, the time it would have taken for him to have been neutered.

Currently, the mother, although spayed is attracting a lot of attention so Raja was busy growling at them and trying to assert his dominance on them. I did not get much time for huggies and stuff.

Thank you, Lord, for taking care of him. How could I have lost faith in You.

Raja still missing

Father

Still no sign of dear Raja. I went searching quite far this morning. All the other dogs in the nearing streets are there, but no sign of Raja. What has happened ?

Is he alive? Is he lost ? Will he return ? Give me some reply, beloved Father. Take care of him, protect him, he has not eaten for many days and has been badly bitten all over. 

Raja has been missing

For the last two weeks Raja has been on the parallel street (B block) due to several females being in heat. He has hardly eaten. And he's badly bitten on the back, and the ear. I looked all over for him and finally located him there. Then he began coming once a day in the morning and sitting on our doorstep. I would feed him and he would go off back to that road.

However, for the last three days he is not to be found even there. I've looked in the park behind too. The guards nearby told me he had come here 2-3 days back, and some said they saw him in the park/forest behind, but I've not seen him anywhere.

Please protect him Father, wherever he is, and bring him back. At the same time the mother has been giving off some pheromonal discharge which is attracting some males. And, dear little Sher Singh got a swelling on one foot (front). So yesterday I took her to Max. One junior chap gave her an anti-biotic injection, bandaged her foot. However, she ripped off the bandage as we got home. Today, the doc said it was a cyst between the toes and gave me a powder to put 3 times a day.

How things are

Father

I can only thank you for this wonderful life. Being born as your devotee, being blessed with love for you is the highest grace any living creature can get. To even remember you, to think of you with love, what can any living being ask for.

However, I have to confess the following: first of all there is really nothing for me here in this world. I am not of any use to anyone, and you've never exactly even hinted to me for some work you expect of me, or have sent me here for. I only want to serve you and your children, but i don't have anything in me, or know what to do. 

I have maybe 15 years, hopefully not more than 20 in this body. My body is declining, and so is my mind. I don't know how long I can keep this body going. As long as my mother is alive, I can keep pushing myself. Also, my two beloved children who will probably last at most ten years. After that, there's nothing at all. My only hope is that when i leave this body, You are there, and we are together forever. That hope keeps me going. That is my only wish.

How this life goes is of no consequence to me. What is experienced by whatever I supposedly am behind this body/mind, could be anything, what difference does it make. It could be unpleasant or the most beautiful and peaceful and perfect. What difference does it make when it's just something passing by. 

What I am is still unknown. I keep looking for what experiences all this, and I don't seem to progress. Finally, after a month or two, I get distracted by house issues or another big tennis event. And another month or two go by. This time several months have gone by wasted. Wimbledon, then the Olympics, and then the US Open. And now I have to start all over again from the start. It's like Sisyphus and the big boulder.

I can only wait for the end, hoping it comes fast for I don't see you coming to me before that. Everyone if afraid of the end, for me it's the only hope.

Since I am not doing anything of any use, you may as well establish me in the Self (whatever that may be) so I may be one with You, Father. I have no business in this world. May all beings be happy and peaceful. May my troubled and unhappy parents know and love You as soon as possible. Please protect my little ones and give them a happy life. May they reach You after this life, may they reach us, since I know You sent them to me with love, your most beloved children you sent to me, did you not.

(listening to srirupamanjiri)

Recapping things - The Happiest Days of my life

Father
I cannot tell you how happy I am. These are the happiest days of my life. Mostly this is due to two reasons:

The primary is the silence and presence. This presence is full of love and joy and giving. The second reason is my two babies, Gabbar and Sher. I cannot tell you how crazily I am in love with them. There is nothing in the Universe dearer than them, nothing more beautiful. (It is sad that they spend their life in this searing heat, lying under parked cars, lying in puddles to keep themselves from over-heating. There is nothing better I can give them). I have never loved anything or anyone as much as I love them, for them I am eternally grateful.

Whenever I pray to you to bring me back into awareness, to help with enquiry, you always do so immediately. However, after a few days or weeks, when I feel I am improving and now there is no going back into the old state, I start relaxing and taking things easy. Thoughts start coming in and occupying a background. Usually spiritual thoughts and thoughts of judging society and mankind. Then something else happens and I get totally distracted. It could be illhealth in the family, hospitalization of a family member or as recently, the French Open.

Next thing I know, I am back in an identified state, altho the mind is saying that this is seen and the mind is seen to be arising in awareness. Then I finally frantically pray to You and you restore me.

If I am to unite with You, and to serve other beings, I need to finish this false self off for good, I need to stabilize in the Self for good and not keep coming back to square one. Am i too afraid to make the commitments required to be established in the truth? Is my desire for liberation too weak?

I know there will be no going back to the old state of being totally identified, there is no going back to the state of being swayed by what happens, no going back to deep suffering due to external circumstances. There will always be a stablity, and unfortunate incidents will always push me into presence.

A month or more back, I tried to introduced some formal, sitting meditation into my routine. It helped a lot but I immediately got a knee and hip issue (someone calls it sciatica) so i cannot cross my knee at all. No more formal meditation :( I still think sitting with back straight and meditating for some time is essential, and I cannot take sitting on chair much due to the circulation problems that happen.

For the last few days I have been reading (again) The Garden of Rama (3rd in the Rendezvous series) in the evening. When the time comes for parting, I always imagine my little babies there. It is unthinkable that I could part with them ever. Just impossible. In this huge, fantastic universe, there is nothing greater than these two babies. This is your finest and most perfect creation ever. And you gave your greatest ever creation to me, O Father.

Mother lost and found

Last night I could not find the pup's mother. Called out and looked around a lot but nowhere to be found. Today morning also she was nowhere. I was panicking for she does not stray too far. With the excuse of getting Pot.Permanganate at M-block market, I went looking for her. First via the park, nowhere there. Then I came back down Gate-I and there she was lying under a car looking straight at me. She came running out and began jumping on me happily. However, due to the dogs sitting around the bend, she could not come further and would run back. So then i picked her up and brought her about 10 steps, and then put her down. We had crossed the 2 dogs, so she was okay. Just for the sake of about 10 steps, she was unable to come home. Then she came back with me, walking a few steps ahead and looking back constantly. The other pups gave her a good sniff when she came back. She was obviously glad to be back.

She found a dry chappati and was curling up with it in the shade happily.

The brown pup is back!

 I am in a bit of a state of shock. Today during my evening walk, a brown dog came up to me near the house and would not leave me. I assumed it was the one whom the 362 lady had saved after an accident and he was visiting our lane again. So I tried to shake him off a lot but he would not leave me. I finally took him back to the place from where the other dog was, but that other dog was there. So i came by the market trying to shake him off, the park, everywhere dogs were chasing him and trying to scare him off. He would not leave me at all. Finally I went around and took him to the park behind our house, again the dogs chased him a lot. I closed the gate on the way to the park and came running back home. Seems he did find his way into our driveway.

Again at night he was there. Our 2 pups and Raja and his mother were also at him. I walked to the Mandir park with my plan in mind, that i would climb over the park fence and thus shake him off. I did that but once again he managed to follow me around and found me inside the park.

Then as i walked back resignedly, it struck me that this is our Brownie (whom i called Laloo) who was adopted and returned several times. As i came back his mother attacked him (as always). Raja as before is quite friendly. The other pups also ganged up on him. He is larger than the pups. He has some kind of a bump on his forehead, maybe hit. Also some large ticks on back (which i took off in the evening), and bunches of small ones. So obviously he has not been taken care of for some time. As before he is rather docile.

So there is no shaking him off now. He is here for good. He is back with us. Please protect him, Father and Mother. See that he is accepted by his family. See that he gets food to eat and has a happy life. I must take off his ticks and show him some love tomorrow. I remember when I gave him off to the policeman, I hugged him and handed him over. Please ensure that he does not come inside the driveway and sit one the stairs or landings as that will put him and us in trouble with the neighbours.

Once again my enquiry is suffering. I am struggling to get back on track. Please help me in establishing myself in the Self.

Last few weeks

I had fever for a few days, then Papa's vertigo became worse -- he was hospitalized (GR) for a few days for tests and observation. We are looking after him now round the clock since he can't be left to walk around on his own. The pups are doing fine, although I am only able to go out for a few minutes to feed them in the morning and night. Not been able to go for a walk or anything.

Readings etc

Am slowly reading Ultimate Medicine by Sri Niz. Also, for a couple of days listening to JKZ on googletechtalks on Mindfulness and Neuroscience. Today was listening to youtubes on Zen Practice and Principles, the latter ones get too much into art. In evening, listened to 2 YT's on the life of the Buddha. It then occurred to me that it might be the Buddha's Mahanirvana day today.

Pup's mother back home

Finally got their mom back. She still has that e-collar on, for a couple days more. She's running around with it, trying to get it off.
Lord, may they be happy and thrive. I just hope I did the right thing in neutering them.

Today, i got (by mail order) Ultimate medicine and Prior to Consciousness (SNM), and have read a bit of UM. Father, I have no business doing anything other than staying present, in the 'I-am'. Help me to practice hard, so I may be liberated soon, and i may be able to serve you completely as soon as possible. I want this not for myself, i want no joy and no bliss, just to serve others, and to stop causing suffering to others.

Pups mother still in hospital

I had brought he back home, but she licked open her wound, so they decided to keep her another few days, and those days are stretching. They keep adding 2 days, yesterday said another couple of days. The other day I took the pups and had their stitches removed. They removed the mother's stitches too. They wish to keep here there to be on the safe side.

I take some yoghurt for the little ones in the morning, and milk at night. So so so very dear are the two little ones.

I am spending more time with eyes closed being in the I-am or just looking for the 'I'. But nowadays I find a stream of thoughts, mostly spiritual thoughts just being repeated. Maybe it is better to stay in the Now and when thoughts comes to enquire. I am once again getting into this thing of trying to see who is seeing all this, and i think this becomes a mental exercise. Trying to see who is behind all this. It always lands me up getting into an active mind state after a few days.

Lord, Father please help me in enquiry, help me to be liberated so I may serve all creatures without the mind deciding and controlling. May my life be run and decided totally by You.

Some words from Ed (Robert Adam's disciple)

In the end, after many of your remaining hindrances drop off, you will just rest, doing nothing special, in yourself, no longer making effort to explore or grow spiritually. Your journey and struggle will be over.

At this point, you will either become like something dead with no response to the world, which is the fate of some, or there will awaken in you the strongest conceivable sense that you are responsible for the world, for it does emanate from your mind. In a sense, though illusory, it belongs to you. You become Buddha, Christ, saving, helping.

You will make a decision to help all sentient beings in any way you can, from offering the shoes off your feet to some homeless person, to risking your life to save an animal. This to me is the real liberation—an immersion into a universal Mother Love.

(Ed Muzika - Autobiography of a Jnani, p30)

Pups mother back in hospital

Yesterday, I took her there for them to check her. She had licked open her wound and it was risky to have her out. So they've kept her in, till it heals. Today I visited. They said it was better. They've put an "e-collar" or something to prevent her from licking the wound. Today, he said it should take 3-4 days.

Pup's mother is back home

Brought her back home. The pups saw her from a distance and came running and barking. Then they recognized her. They played around a bit, she smelling them. The doc reminded me that they'd had to put the stitches again and I should be careful about them. I think he felt some pressure or urgency on my part, and thought I was suspicious of them and so released her today. They've bandanged and taped that area, but looks like she will easily get it off.

Hope she does not mess with it. Hope it heals quickly, Father. Father, please heal her quickly and keep her healthy and happy.

I hope I did the right thing in getting them spayed.

Pups mother still in hospital

This is getting a bit crazy. I was to fetch the mother yesterday, but now they say she has licked her stitches and opened some, so they had to re-stitch her. Now they want to keep her for two more days. She was spayed on the 5th, so it will be ten days tomorrow. Who / what is it that experiences all this? Stay with this.

Pup's Mother still in hospital

I went today to get their Mother, but they said at least 2 more days. She's better but they don't want to release her yet.
Last night the pups had a good feed, but today morning Gabbar ate nothing. It did rain heavily last night for a short bit. She ate some leaves then. In the evening also I saw her eating some leaves. Raja's not been eating too well either when i take milk and bread at night. He could be full, or missing his mother, or not well.

Pups mother not doing too well

Yesterday, I took Gabbar for cleaning up and to bring back the mother. She was on the table with an IV drip. Seems she could have some gastrointestinal issue, high WBC count, was vomiting and had diarrhea. Will check up today again.

She saw me or heard my voice and stirred and perhaps tried to get up. I came away with Gabbar without meeting her. Hang in there, dear one. Don't think i have forgotten you, I know times have been tough with the pups and my focusing on them, and often holding you back lest you snatch their food, or when you bite them. Both you and Raja have been neglected since the pups were born.

This also reveals the fickleness of love that the mind/false self creates. How love can jump from one object to another as the mind pleases. The love of the mind, no matter how much one may exalt it, is still a selfish self-serving one. It serves only the false self, and ultimately hurts the loved.

No doubt the two pups will grow up and not be like I imagine them to be, and I envision them. They will be entitles in their own right. And suddenly my mind will again, in an instant, change loyalties. Suddenly I will distance myself from one or both, and align myself with someone else. The mind seems to always be running away from pain, and that pain is created by itself and is itself. The pain is the mind. The mind seems to be always running away from itself, and it does so by playing various games which can never work since they are mind created.

The best thing is to come back into the Now, to remain as the background.

All conflict is created by the mind, so it can fall into the trap of judging, condemning and fighting the conflict or injustice or troublesome situation.

Pups are back

I brought the pups back today evening. They are running around and eating voraciously. The doc put a bandage on them, so that will have to be redone in a couple of days. The stitches are to be taken off on the 11th or so.

The Mother can be brought back tomorrow or day-after. Thank you Father for seeing this through. Now to get back into self-enquiry, its been a bit shaky for the last couple of days. I find reading Practicing the Power of Now helps me the most, or listening to the audio of PON.

Mother has been spayed too

Just visited the hospital. The mother was recovering. Was a bit dazed and did not respond much. The pups were perkier and when i came out, they were creating a racket inside. They will be released tomorrow evening.

Raja is alone, He was not very hungry when i took milk and bread last night. Either lonely or else he has eaten whatever has come alone so is full. Their ears have not been notched since they don't have a notching machine. The Doc said that if they cut the ear (like the MCD does) there is a lot of bleeding.

Mother admitted too

Today I took the mother for spaying. The pups were there in the kennel, looking dopey. They are under medication so a little disoriented. They walked around a bit. The mother had a sniff at them, she was very nervous going there, since this was her first drive. Had her in the back seat with S, and i picked her up and took her in all the way.

Will check up on them in the evening. They were given milk yesterday and will be given dog food today. Thank you, Father and Mother for getting this done finally. I will have to bring them back for getting their stitched removed in some time.

Pups admitted for spaying (Apr 3rd, 2012)

I've been nervous since yesterday. Took the pups to MaxVet for their neutering. My babies are right now there in the kennel. As I getting them to the car they picked up some pieces of rusk on the road-side and ate them. Supposed to be on an empty stomach. Anyway, the operation is scheduled for 1pm or so, so there'll be enough time for them to be on empty.

Tomorrow I take the mother. Beloved Mother and Father, look after them. I miss them so.

Pups totally free

Since April 1st, the pups have been free at night too, that is last night was their first free night. Today, i dropped in at Max to discuss their spaying. Tomorrow has been fixed, I'll take the pups first. Then the next day I take the mother.

Please bless them, Mother Earth and Father. They are Yours and mine, too.

I need to focus completely on remaining in self-awareness at all times. Please give me grace so I may be free of mind- and body-identification.

Pups doing fine

The little ones are doing fine, completed their fourth month recently. I release them at about 7:30 AM and then put them in with their lunch at about 2:30 till 4 or so. Then i release them for the evening. But put them back from about 6:30 to 9 pm. Another hour and a half of freedom and then its back in for the night. I'll be keeping up this routine of putting them in in the evening and night for this month. They seem quite okay, since they need their rest, too, and they get lots of freedom now. Now they stay close to their birthplace. They do not wander onto other streets like they used to do earlier when they were tied up most of the time. I am slowly reading Practicing the Power of Now. Beautiful, and helps me keep in awareness.

Self-enquiry practice

For some months I have been unable to do enquiry. The pups were one reason of late. All my mind was on them. And then in February I found myself coming into the Now again and again, and it felt sweet. For the first time I enjoyed it and wanted to come back again and be there. Then there was that incident of someone threatening to call the police about the dogs. That put me into such anxiety, totally gripped me. I had only one option, to keep asking "who is suffering".

And this felt totally natural. Remaining in the awareness or Now or present moment. Aiding it by asking "Who is suffering" or "who is having these thoughts" and then being intensely aware or watching. To me this is how enquiry naturally is, and DG's book in chapter "Self-enquiry - Practice" says just this in the very first para. Although, he uses so many different ways of referring to awareness, that it becomes confusing for a first time reader, or someone who has not figured out what is to be held or abided in.

As always happens, that naturally falling into awareness comes for a few days and then goes away. I must not give up, must not get distracted again. This time i actually feel that this is more important than anything else i could do. there is no more the feeling that i could be doing something more interesting, or let me take a break, or how much longer does this have to go on.

Please Father, give me the strength and motivation to keep this up till liberation. Do not let me get distracted.

Freeing the little ones

yesterday was Holi. The little pups were out for quite some time during the day unattended. Sat on a little sand mound on the house opposite (375). Very little traffic yesterday. Today, I left them out at about 8 am and they are out, back on the sand mound where there's some sun.

From today, the two will be out during the day. I may still put them in with their lunch at two (bones). I will put them in at 6 pm. And they will be in all night for another couple weeks. Then about March 20th or so, they can be out round the clock.

Male pup adopted yet again

Two or three days ago, a cop adopted the little brown pup. I told him all the issues that the previous adopters had, but he insisted. Later that night, he got a mobike with a colleague and they carried him off. The next day, he got him a Rabies shot, and took the papers of the previous vaccinations.

The previous adopter is talking about taking the 3 pups to his farmhouse far away in Nagaland. I am apprehensive about this, because he let the brown one out when he could not handle him. If he can't handle these two then he will release them there itself... Yet, here there is the danger of cars, and then if they survive that, then of people wanting to poison these stray dogs.

Father, I really need some help here. I need to know what to do. I need guidance from you. I can not help or handle anyone else's life. I can only mess other people's life up. All i know is for my own life, that I must unite with you, i must stay present and stay with the question "Who is suffering this?" "Who is this person?"

This false notion of person has to go this year, this mind has to be destroyed this year.

p.s. I would rather someone here, near Delhi takes the pups to their farmhouse so I can remain in touch with them, and if there is an issue they can come back here.

I need some help here

I need to start releasing the two female pups in a couple of days. They are over 3 months old, although I am still uncertain of their safety on this road. On the other hand, the other problem is that of the guy at 522 who is threatening to call the police and MCD since twice they wandered into his driveway. How can i tell them not to go into driveways, they wander into every one. No one else has said anything, but that guy is threatening.

Please protect the two pups, Father. See if they can go to the 534 gentleman's farmhouse, although he only seems to want a male. The male will easily survive here as he manages to stay calmly on the side of the road and does not run crazily along with the 2 grown-ups.

I am intending to release the black pups in the day time from around 8am to 8pm from the 23rd or 24th. Then by March 1st, if they are still alive, i will totally release them. Even then there is the fear that they will land up in our flat driveway and cause problems with the people on top. So the only solution is that the 534 man takes them to his farmhouse. I will miss them dearly. I can hardly think of being without them.

I was returning to being in presence after several months and now this issue of the irate 522 guy is really disturbing me. I have to get back into enquiry at all costs.

I have looked into your eyes

Beloved ones
I have looked into your eyes, and I know that you are my children, you are mine, you can be nothing other than my very own babies. I touch you, I hold you and I know you are my children.

I cannot tell you how much I love you all. You are the most beloved in this entire universe. I have never loved anything nor will ever be able to, as much as I love you little beloved creatures. I hold your faces to mine and that is most beautiful experience i have ever had. I love to be with you, each moment is cherished deeply.

I take you to the little park where I buried your sister, and while you roll around and play, I sit by you and talk with you and touch you. The male pup that was adopted by one house has been abandoned. He follows me around and responds when i say "Aa ja" (come).

Often I hold your faces and look deep into your eyes, We are one, little ones, we are one being. We will always be one, even after leaving these bodies.

One of you has a white tipped tail. Your toes are also slightly white. The other one has a black tail. The black tail has ears that come straight over the eyes, while the white-tipped one's ears go slightly to the side. Last night, the white tipped one went into 524 and climbed the stairs. Much later she was crying up there as she didn't know how to come down. I came up and brought you down, dear one.

Lord, Father, you must keep these children of mine alive. They are your greatest creation. Your most loving and beloved creation. They must live, Father.

One pup gone...

Tonight I went to feed them. The driver of the embassy suggested that I leave them out tonight since tomorrow is Jan 26th (Rep Day), so there'll be no traffic in the morning. We can put them in at 8 am. I agreed, I put food into the pup's area, put the 2 weaker ones in. I left the brown one, and the strong black one outside. I figured she'd go in in a while. I left the area uncovered so the pups could come out if they wanted to.

In 15 minutes or less, the night gaurd came and rang the bell saying the black one was run over. One cook was trying to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. We drove her to Max Hospital but it was closed. In any case, she was gone.

This was the aggressive one. She was able to stand up to the mother and Raja. She was my hope. She was the leader. She is now back to You, Father. She is yours. I don't know why you took her back so fast. How long will you let the others be with me and then take them back.

Imagine how shattered all the people on the road will be. Their hope and faith will be shattered. What will I tell them, O Father.

--
r

The pups - an update

The pups are growing up. But I still worry about the roads. Thus they still have to be boxed in most of the time which i hate. They hate it too. They run when i approach them since they know i'll pick them up and close them in again.

I go 4 times a day, let them out, let them run around, feed them and then board them back in. They fight often and scream, but that is the only option, else they will not survive on the roads. They get about 30-40 minutes each time which really means they are boarded up most of the time. Often i panic when they start spreading out and going to the adjacent lanes. it's hard to track them when they've separated. Then i bundle them up and put them back in.

I hate it, having to imprison them, but hopefully in a week they'll be big enough to release.

You must guide me, Lord

Father
I need your help. Don't leave things to my judgment. Or one more life will go by, and I would not have served you properly, and I would still be separated from you.

I need to be united. I cannot bear separation. I cannot bear being an entity, a person. I cannot bear identification with a person, a body, memories and a future. Having to live another 40 years or so in a body as someone frightens me.

The pups are becoming hard for us to contain in that space. They fight to get out. But it is still too risky having them on the road, they dart across suddenly, often just as a car is going by. Maybe in a week we will have to release them. How many will survive the cars ?

I know you have the best in mind for all. But I really fear losing them. I love them deeply. I want them to grow up by my side. I want to hold them, and love them and talk to them. You know how i love them. Does my love reach you through them. Surely it does.