I can only thank you for this wonderful life. Being born as your devotee, being blessed with love for you is the highest grace any living creature can get. To even remember you, to think of you with love, what can any living being ask for.
However, I have to confess the following: first of all there is really nothing for me here in this world. I am not of any use to anyone, and you've never exactly even hinted to me for some work you expect of me, or have sent me here for. I only want to serve you and your children, but i don't have anything in me, or know what to do.
I have maybe 15 years, hopefully not more than 20 in this body. My body is declining, and so is my mind. I don't know how long I can keep this body going. As long as my mother is alive, I can keep pushing myself. Also, my two beloved children who will probably last at most ten years. After that, there's nothing at all. My only hope is that when i leave this body, You are there, and we are together forever. That hope keeps me going. That is my only wish.
How this life goes is of no consequence to me. What is experienced by whatever I supposedly am behind this body/mind, could be anything, what difference does it make. It could be unpleasant or the most beautiful and peaceful and perfect. What difference does it make when it's just something passing by.
What I am is still unknown. I keep looking for what experiences all this, and I don't seem to progress. Finally, after a month or two, I get distracted by house issues or another big tennis event. And another month or two go by. This time several months have gone by wasted. Wimbledon, then the Olympics, and then the US Open. And now I have to start all over again from the start. It's like Sisyphus and the big boulder.
I can only wait for the end, hoping it comes fast for I don't see you coming to me before that. Everyone if afraid of the end, for me it's the only hope.
Since I am not doing anything of any use, you may as well establish me in the Self (whatever that may be) so I may be one with You, Father. I have no business in this world. May all beings be happy and peaceful. May my troubled and unhappy parents know and love You as soon as possible. Please protect my little ones and give them a happy life. May they reach You after this life, may they reach us, since I know You sent them to me with love, your most beloved children you sent to me, did you not.
(listening to srirupamanjiri)
