Where will i really go ?

When i leave this body, will i remember You and call You and come to You.

Or will I remain empty and silent, and look for eternal silence ?

Whom ?

"To whom is this happening" Is it happening to a continuous entity? To a body, a mind or some one ?

Who says "This happened to me?" Does the body say so? Or does the mind, or some entity?

False self alert !!

2009-05-19 2300

THAT is the last time the false "I" rises here.
Father, may the false "I" never rise again.
May it never take control of me again.

But in doing so, it has totally exposed itself. I know now how dangerous it is, and can be, how it can take complete control over me.
It has made me devoid of love, make me against mankind and this world.

No matter what I do, and how far I progress, it must be totally destroyed. It cannot be allowed to continue, no compromises, no "early deal".

All "my" thoughts, desires, memories, likes, dislikes, hates, problems, issues, feelings of threat, are those of the horrible false self that just reared up. they do not belong to the real me, that is the underlying peace, stillness, the screen.

All these belong to the horrible self that can take me over if given one moment of attention (or inattention).

I am free of this body, mind, person and dream. I am not this limited person.

Only You make sense

2009-05-19 1500

In this silly, illogical dream called the world, universe, only You make sense, O Father.

Only Your eyes, the limitless love in Your eyes makes sense. Only You I trust, Father, none else.

Like a beacon you are, a blinding beacon in eternal darkness.

Take me to Your Feet, NOW.

I want only You...

I want only You....

Mahapuja prayer

What is the fastest way to You, Father?
Instant Union with you.
No "way", no process, no path.

How can i always be with You, totally with You, starting NOW, starting this instant, not in some distant future.

Let nothing come between us

mahapuja 18-05-09

feeling despair and hopelessness again. Mind trying to take over, mind leaving a stink, trying to "work things out" by itself.

i must not yield to the dream, to the show/projection on the screen of consciousness.

I have to keep my mind on you, Father.

With shame, i watch as the "I" rises and criticizes others, passes sarcastic (mental) remarks about others, makes digs at others. Again and again, it rises taking the dream and its dream role seriously.

Have to remain empty, still, quiet and not let the mind derail me with the thought of despair and hopelessness.

---

Lord, what is this "I" that comes between us. Let there be nothing between us.

Are these intruding thoughts really necessary? Important? Must I give them attention, priority over You! Let no thoughts, nothing whatever come between us.

Always remember ... I am the peace below

2009-05-16

I am the underlying awareness/peace that is always there. I am not interested in the dream/show/perception.

Always remember that. No interest in outcome, no vested interest in people, how they behave, what they say, expect, opine, criticize (esp about me).

I am the peace below, not the dream body, mind, person. Remember this always.

mark on consciousness

2009-05-16 18:14

How blessed we are, Father, to have fallen in love with You.
For it to have finally happened!
How many millions have gone without it. How many million lives have gone without it.

Both of You, have stamped my consciousness indelibly, never will the mark of Your love ever leave. No matter if I live another billion lives, in the most distant reaches/recesses, there is no possibility of ever forgetting You both.

How much longer under the shadow of the mind

13/05 1015 AM

Why this struggle about sadhana and disturbances?

If I am sincere, Self/Bhagavan will make sure I do what is required. He will protect me.

Who will i disappoint if i am not "realized" ? Is this something I am doing to impress others, to prove a point, to prove to all that I am not stupid, that finally I am wiser than all, or above all.
"I got it right, they didn't".

Is it a spiral intended to trap me?

I can keep doing Who Am I? and "I Am" in whatever circumstances present themselves, not making a big deal about "correct circumstances" etc.

Accept the situation and circumstance as Bhagavan's wish and remain in Self in all circumstances.

Is the "I" waiting for the "I" to vanish?
How will it know when that happens ?

1245PM

My mind generates thoughts of boredom, of "how much longer?".
How much longer will I (?) have to live under the shadow of the mind?

When will freedom from thought come? (Is this me, or just a thought)

The mind will allow me to do nothing to pass time, no entertainment, any longer, no socializing, no sensual enjoyment, no escape.
Which is all good, since I don't want to get addicted to activity again.

But during enquiry / "I am", there is this unease: "how much longer?"

I sit down willingly to do enquiry, but time passes very slowly, it just seems to stop.

I look forward to sleep time since I can "legally" shut off (without guilt).

Love from above

Am going through another flooding of love from above for some time, some days or more.

What more can one ask for ? What greater gift can God give us, the creator, than His love and love for Him ?


It is a matter of such shame to stand up and "I" now and then, to compete with You, Father, as the "I"! Such colossal shame!

Save me from this shame, beloved Father, to have my own will, to object to what happens, to mind someone's actions is to oppose Your will, Loving Father.

Even at this stage, after so many years, I still resist You, I still struggle against You, whilst speaking grandly of surrendering to You.

Stifle me, beloved, finish me, or is that opposing You, too.

Just an arising

These thoughts, sensations and "I" are just independent arisings. Not "I". Don't worry about it. Just an arising.

What am I looking for ?

What am I waiting for ?

One arising (thought) waiting for all other arisings to stop, so it can think "Aah, no more arisings".

...

I am waiting for the "big bang". .....
or to be more silent .... But who wants to be more silent ? WHO is waiting for the big bang?

WHO witnesses the need to be silent and is concerned about it.



Why am I not happy ?


I am beginning to wonder whether the witness/watcher is the mind watching the mind.

But i think i must not try to work this out mentally. I should just go back to the I AM and Who Am I? and not bother about mind and ego etc.

May 9th - Buddh Purnima

I should not cling onto experiences of peace or silence for they could be just mental experiences, concocted to please/distract.

Just as experiences of thoughts, noise, anger, irritation are mental sensations, so must be (could be) the silence, peaceful sensations, since I am there to experience it, and say: "Aah, i am at peace", "Aah, i am having no thoughts right now".

So, "I" am still there experiencing it. it cannot be me. or closer to 'me'. How can one sensation be closer to me than another.

Only when i am not there to experience, can I be in awareness, or "me" (??).


So peace, anger, sadness is happening in 'me', it is not me, or closer to me.

How discouraging! But some would say "that's another thought". How difficult this all is!

Mind tricks

Every day i wake up, I (the mind) checks to see if there are thoughts. If there are i am (it is) disappointed.

So I (the mind) want to experience realization as a phenomenon apart from myself. I want to experience my "real nature" as something else, something beautiful and divine and all-encompassing, etc.

The mind is always checking to see if it has vanished !

If it has not, there are excuses, faults, blames to be laid on others, others who have to pay the price for "my" realization or peace, mountains to climb, penances to do....

And it is my mind doing and thinking all this. What a confusing, losing situation...

The mind has created such a stink, it is unlivable.

More ego attacks

Have been having major ego attacks. The ego/false self has only 2 thoughts -- to kill oneself, or to leave and go away. The major thought is to kill itself/I since it percieves hurdles to 'attaining realization'.

i try hard to enquire, to remember You, but it seems to be in vain at these times. The ego takes over completely.

But i have to enquire as much as possible, remain in "I AM", and surrender to You. Father. Today after many days, went to the park. Was listening to NarasimhaDev repeatedly.

---

The more I strive to free myself, the more the ego rears its head.
If I do nothing, it wins too. Is there any victory? Only You can help, O Father, Only You can free me from this false Self, this suffering.

---

It is the mind that doesn't want me to let go, to just be, for it's agenda will be compromised, let down. The mind/false I is afraid of losing its image, or tainting the image by my letting go. _I_ do not lose, the mind does. Not _I_.

---

The seeker was a ruse created by the mind to keep control, to keep me from being, so it could keep me trapped.

I do not need the "I", i do not need to wait for any event to Be, i do not need anything.

Ego attacks !

Today the "I" arose quite strongly when i sat to meditate -- the 'seeker' who needs to meditate, the 'sufferer'. It gripped me, i struggled to find the 'I am'.

Later in the afternoon, i was listening to NarasimhaDev, with tears in my eyes thinking of Prahlad and Narasimha.

I am so ashamed to have an "I" sense with You around, O Father.

With You around how can there be an "I". How can an I stand up in front of You. What shame!

There was a bit of peace and silence following. There was hail in the evening and some respite from the 44 degrees (C) heat.

Loving Father, out of gratitude and love i wish to pllace this notion of individuality, this person, this "I" at your Feet. Out of shame, and love, and no other benefit, I put it at Your Feet. Relieve me of this shameful notion, Beloved Father.

Time and again, you took physical form to protect your devotees. What would you not do out of your love for your devotees.

It is astonishing that in front of You, Infinite Love, the sense of individuality can stand up and announce itself.