Recapping things - The Happiest Days of my life

Father
I cannot tell you how happy I am. These are the happiest days of my life. Mostly this is due to two reasons:

The primary is the silence and presence. This presence is full of love and joy and giving. The second reason is my two babies, Gabbar and Sher. I cannot tell you how crazily I am in love with them. There is nothing in the Universe dearer than them, nothing more beautiful. (It is sad that they spend their life in this searing heat, lying under parked cars, lying in puddles to keep themselves from over-heating. There is nothing better I can give them). I have never loved anything or anyone as much as I love them, for them I am eternally grateful.

Whenever I pray to you to bring me back into awareness, to help with enquiry, you always do so immediately. However, after a few days or weeks, when I feel I am improving and now there is no going back into the old state, I start relaxing and taking things easy. Thoughts start coming in and occupying a background. Usually spiritual thoughts and thoughts of judging society and mankind. Then something else happens and I get totally distracted. It could be illhealth in the family, hospitalization of a family member or as recently, the French Open.

Next thing I know, I am back in an identified state, altho the mind is saying that this is seen and the mind is seen to be arising in awareness. Then I finally frantically pray to You and you restore me.

If I am to unite with You, and to serve other beings, I need to finish this false self off for good, I need to stabilize in the Self for good and not keep coming back to square one. Am i too afraid to make the commitments required to be established in the truth? Is my desire for liberation too weak?

I know there will be no going back to the old state of being totally identified, there is no going back to the state of being swayed by what happens, no going back to deep suffering due to external circumstances. There will always be a stablity, and unfortunate incidents will always push me into presence.

A month or more back, I tried to introduced some formal, sitting meditation into my routine. It helped a lot but I immediately got a knee and hip issue (someone calls it sciatica) so i cannot cross my knee at all. No more formal meditation :( I still think sitting with back straight and meditating for some time is essential, and I cannot take sitting on chair much due to the circulation problems that happen.

For the last few days I have been reading (again) The Garden of Rama (3rd in the Rendezvous series) in the evening. When the time comes for parting, I always imagine my little babies there. It is unthinkable that I could part with them ever. Just impossible. In this huge, fantastic universe, there is nothing greater than these two babies. This is your finest and most perfect creation ever. And you gave your greatest ever creation to me, O Father.

Mother lost and found

Last night I could not find the pup's mother. Called out and looked around a lot but nowhere to be found. Today morning also she was nowhere. I was panicking for she does not stray too far. With the excuse of getting Pot.Permanganate at M-block market, I went looking for her. First via the park, nowhere there. Then I came back down Gate-I and there she was lying under a car looking straight at me. She came running out and began jumping on me happily. However, due to the dogs sitting around the bend, she could not come further and would run back. So then i picked her up and brought her about 10 steps, and then put her down. We had crossed the 2 dogs, so she was okay. Just for the sake of about 10 steps, she was unable to come home. Then she came back with me, walking a few steps ahead and looking back constantly. The other pups gave her a good sniff when she came back. She was obviously glad to be back.

She found a dry chappati and was curling up with it in the shade happily.

The brown pup is back!

 I am in a bit of a state of shock. Today during my evening walk, a brown dog came up to me near the house and would not leave me. I assumed it was the one whom the 362 lady had saved after an accident and he was visiting our lane again. So I tried to shake him off a lot but he would not leave me. I finally took him back to the place from where the other dog was, but that other dog was there. So i came by the market trying to shake him off, the park, everywhere dogs were chasing him and trying to scare him off. He would not leave me at all. Finally I went around and took him to the park behind our house, again the dogs chased him a lot. I closed the gate on the way to the park and came running back home. Seems he did find his way into our driveway.

Again at night he was there. Our 2 pups and Raja and his mother were also at him. I walked to the Mandir park with my plan in mind, that i would climb over the park fence and thus shake him off. I did that but once again he managed to follow me around and found me inside the park.

Then as i walked back resignedly, it struck me that this is our Brownie (whom i called Laloo) who was adopted and returned several times. As i came back his mother attacked him (as always). Raja as before is quite friendly. The other pups also ganged up on him. He is larger than the pups. He has some kind of a bump on his forehead, maybe hit. Also some large ticks on back (which i took off in the evening), and bunches of small ones. So obviously he has not been taken care of for some time. As before he is rather docile.

So there is no shaking him off now. He is here for good. He is back with us. Please protect him, Father and Mother. See that he is accepted by his family. See that he gets food to eat and has a happy life. I must take off his ticks and show him some love tomorrow. I remember when I gave him off to the policeman, I hugged him and handed him over. Please ensure that he does not come inside the driveway and sit one the stairs or landings as that will put him and us in trouble with the neighbours.

Once again my enquiry is suffering. I am struggling to get back on track. Please help me in establishing myself in the Self.