Lord
How I love you! I come back just to look at You. To sink into you. Beloved Father,
how can anyone suffer when you are here, and yet ... i suffer to be closer, to be totally united.
This thief, the mind, separates us, or so it seems. This false self, how do you permit it,
Lord.
Or is it I who love it? I spend all my time in Who Am I. That is the only real respite
from the suffering that is the mind or samsara. All other sadhana's were really clever mind games to perpetuate itself. Luckily, you gave me sense to see through the self-deception.
But there are these moments, when i want to put on dalaleragita or srirupamanjari and just look at you, to try to sink into You.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Silent Father
2009-02-19 19:29
Beloved Lord
Make it fast.
I suppose you wish to be silent so as not to distract me from practice.
You have told us the way to You and now you stay silent.
I am following Who Am I all the time. Just make it quick, Silent Lord. Let this be the final year.
I do not want to spend ages in sadhana, ages in waiting. Lift this veil , this curse of the false self
now, Silent Father. I love you too much to live, Father.
Your eyes killed me.
Or was it your smile. Or your life story ? Or all these things.
Beloved Lord
Make it fast.
I suppose you wish to be silent so as not to distract me from practice.
You have told us the way to You and now you stay silent.
I am following Who Am I all the time. Just make it quick, Silent Lord. Let this be the final year.
I do not want to spend ages in sadhana, ages in waiting. Lift this veil , this curse of the false self
now, Silent Father. I love you too much to live, Father.
Your eyes killed me.
Or was it your smile. Or your life story ? Or all these things.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Now
The world enjoys singing your glories, remembering you, reading about You and remembering You, sweet Father.
Not me! I cannot tolerate it any longer. I hate to think of you and remember You. I want union NOW, immediately, dearest Father. No more waiting, no more thinking, no more playing about with your shadows and reflections.
Final and everlasting union, dearest one. Each cell screams for You. How blessed these eyes are, to have recognized you in an instant, and these ears to have remembered your name. Like a faithful dog, who never forgets his masters scent even after a life, I recognized you.
And now the pining has to be over, Father. I've played enough games, I've played the bhakti game with your names and idols thinking them to be you.
Not me! I cannot tolerate it any longer. I hate to think of you and remember You. I want union NOW, immediately, dearest Father. No more waiting, no more thinking, no more playing about with your shadows and reflections.
Final and everlasting union, dearest one. Each cell screams for You. How blessed these eyes are, to have recognized you in an instant, and these ears to have remembered your name. Like a faithful dog, who never forgets his masters scent even after a life, I recognized you.
And now the pining has to be over, Father. I've played enough games, I've played the bhakti game with your names and idols thinking them to be you.
Only "Who Am I"
2009-02-14 20:28
I now find that what others call joy, or happiness, or life, is intolerable to me, for even a moment. I cannot deceive myself any longer, i cannot delay any longer. This is torment.
Enquiry, or "who am i" is happening all the time, it is becoming more and more of a habit.
Lord, Beloved Father, help me, this is your grace, let it continue till we are united. This absolutely has to be the last year.
I now find that what others call joy, or happiness, or life, is intolerable to me, for even a moment. I cannot deceive myself any longer, i cannot delay any longer. This is torment.
Enquiry, or "who am i" is happening all the time, it is becoming more and more of a habit.
Lord, Beloved Father, help me, this is your grace, let it continue till we are united. This absolutely has to be the last year.
Monday, February 09, 2009
2009-02-09
2009-02-09 12:39
Sweet Father
So this is how it is going to be.
I shall spend my life sitting quietly looking at you.
Do what you will.
And when I do get hold of your beloved Feet
i shall abandon life and this body and cling
to your feet.
Surely, my Lord, you sent me here to serve humanity
or do some good
But what did you know of me.
You made the mistake of showing me your face.
I am incapable of anything other than loving you
and waiting to die so I am united with you.
Sweet Father
So this is how it is going to be.
I shall spend my life sitting quietly looking at you.
Do what you will.
And when I do get hold of your beloved Feet
i shall abandon life and this body and cling
to your feet.
Surely, my Lord, you sent me here to serve humanity
or do some good
But what did you know of me.
You made the mistake of showing me your face.
I am incapable of anything other than loving you
and waiting to die so I am united with you.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
2009-02-08
2009-02-08 21:37
Even after all desires have gone, all earthly desires, and after all suffering related to desires has ceased, and one is free from earthly suffering, there is an even greater suffering.
The suffering of existence, of the mind -- the odd memory that flits by, the odd thought of a lonely future after one's parents are no more. An old melody, some old face ...
And then there is the suffering of all those around me, who are still tightly caged or smothered in their mental worlds.
Why this suffering feels even greater is because there are no temporary escapes. New clothes, a new car, a new camera or gizmo is not going to touch this sorrow.
I will never be able to love an individual again, like I once could, because the falsity of the whole thing has cleared up. There will never be any yearnings any longer that will drive me (drive me nuts) any longer. For both these, I deeply thank you, Lord.
However, to be honest, I am out of one world, but far far from another. Where is reality ? So I am between 2 worlds. With each possing moment I lose faith that there is really any other world.
Yet, I know there was no deception because the previous world was so false, and awareness is so real. In all this, I have only Your Feet, O Father, to make life bearable. Your loving eyes are the only lights in this universe.
WHY do you make it so difficult for your devotees, O Merciful Father ?
When Mirabai yearned for you, you told her to go to Vrindavan where she could worship you in peace. You could have pulled her up at that moment, but no ...
Today, I beg you to call me up but I am left with the prospect of having to wait decades for you to pick me up.
Even after all desires have gone, all earthly desires, and after all suffering related to desires has ceased, and one is free from earthly suffering, there is an even greater suffering.
The suffering of existence, of the mind -- the odd memory that flits by, the odd thought of a lonely future after one's parents are no more. An old melody, some old face ...
And then there is the suffering of all those around me, who are still tightly caged or smothered in their mental worlds.
Why this suffering feels even greater is because there are no temporary escapes. New clothes, a new car, a new camera or gizmo is not going to touch this sorrow.
I will never be able to love an individual again, like I once could, because the falsity of the whole thing has cleared up. There will never be any yearnings any longer that will drive me (drive me nuts) any longer. For both these, I deeply thank you, Lord.
However, to be honest, I am out of one world, but far far from another. Where is reality ? So I am between 2 worlds. With each possing moment I lose faith that there is really any other world.
Yet, I know there was no deception because the previous world was so false, and awareness is so real. In all this, I have only Your Feet, O Father, to make life bearable. Your loving eyes are the only lights in this universe.
WHY do you make it so difficult for your devotees, O Merciful Father ?
When Mirabai yearned for you, you told her to go to Vrindavan where she could worship you in peace. You could have pulled her up at that moment, but no ...
Today, I beg you to call me up but I am left with the prospect of having to wait decades for you to pick me up.
A prayer to our Mother
Enough, Mother, enough
You have tossed me around enough
You have played with me and dangled me over
the abyss that is my Beloved long enough
Now, let me fall into the fire
Let my Master consume me
My Master is hungry. It is long ... ages
since a devotee threw himself at His
holy feet. Let me fall there, so he may
eat to his heart's delight.
Grant me this one boon
Father,
It is time once again to re-live those days, when you first came and swept me off my feet.
Those wonderful first few days when I was born again. When you gave birth to me through your love-overflowing eyes.
Over the years, my love and yearning for You has only increased, but ... the pain of physical separation has had its toll. You are always with me, gushing with enough love that I have left this world behind. But I still yearn for the touch of your Feet, to hear your voice, to be rebuked by You, to serve you, to look upon you.
I have dropped all, all beliefs, all concepts, but I still love you, for you are my father. And you love me.
Day and night I yearn and beg for death to come, hoping it is the only way for me to reach you. Come, Father, glorious Ramana, drown me in you, drown me in your love. Your son is not afraid of shedding this body to reach you.
O Lord, I am no Mirabai, I can only copy her words and pretend to be Her for a few moments.
To all those who can grant a boon, this is my last and final desire. Unite me permanently with my Holy Father, Sri Ramana. Nothing else.
2009-02-08 16:42
It is time once again to re-live those days, when you first came and swept me off my feet.
Those wonderful first few days when I was born again. When you gave birth to me through your love-overflowing eyes.
Over the years, my love and yearning for You has only increased, but ... the pain of physical separation has had its toll. You are always with me, gushing with enough love that I have left this world behind. But I still yearn for the touch of your Feet, to hear your voice, to be rebuked by You, to serve you, to look upon you.
I have dropped all, all beliefs, all concepts, but I still love you, for you are my father. And you love me.
Day and night I yearn and beg for death to come, hoping it is the only way for me to reach you. Come, Father, glorious Ramana, drown me in you, drown me in your love. Your son is not afraid of shedding this body to reach you.
O Lord, I am no Mirabai, I can only copy her words and pretend to be Her for a few moments.
I Live In You
-- Mirabai
Unbreakable, O Lord,
Is the love
That binds me to You:
Like a diamond,
It breaks the hammer that strikes it.
My heart goes into You
As the polish goes into the gold.
As the lotus lives in its water,
I live in You.
Like the bird
That gazes all night
At the passing moon,
I have lost myself dwelling in You.
O my Beloved - Return.
To all those who can grant a boon, this is my last and final desire. Unite me permanently with my Holy Father, Sri Ramana. Nothing else.
2009-02-08 16:42
Lord, people find their joy in things of this world
What they see in it, i do not have eyes to
I find my joy in You, You are my love
my eternal love
your eyes are my favorite jewels
my eyes see only You
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Waiting
Dear Father
Everything hinges on this that You will be there in the end. That when I leave this body, you will be there always and forever. I have abandoned all thoughts, concepts, beliefs, faiths etc as being useless. Nothing has brought me anything but false hopes.
Only in your eyes have I seen love, only in your words the truth.
Will I have to wait another 40 long years for union. What will I possibly do in this body that will be bearable? What can make existence bearing after looking into your eyes? After seeing the flood of your love?
waiting impatiently
Dear Father
I am waiting impatiently. I have only one wish left. To leave this body and return to You. That is all that makes sense or will satisfy. There is nothing in this world any longer than can ever attract me, or make sense even for a minute.
Each moment drags on like an aeon. When will you come, Father? Delay not, any further.
There is nothing else I want but You, O sweet Ramana.
I am waiting impatiently. I have only one wish left. To leave this body and return to You. That is all that makes sense or will satisfy. There is nothing in this world any longer than can ever attract me, or make sense even for a minute.
Each moment drags on like an aeon. When will you come, Father? Delay not, any further.
There is nothing else I want but You, O sweet Ramana.
