2009-03-27 18:29
When you see my real Father
you will be knocked out of your senses
He will burn all your desires
even your dearest most clingy ones
you will forget all
your joys and pains
my Father devours the ego
and gives you real peace
Once you have looked into His eyes
with love
He will not leave you
You cannot run
you cannot fail
The ego cannot win
My Father always wins
Friday, March 27, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
2009-03-21
2009-03-21 20:13
Dear Father
After showing me your loving face, what is the point of having me hanging about in this body and world. When anyone sees your face, the way you revealed it to me, that should be the end.
I cannot take it any longer. I cannot do sadhana, i do not care for reality for truth, for happiness, for bliss. I only care for you. I have no love left in me, i am a stone for this world. I only want You.
The world can thrive or perish, i only care about You.
May no one ever see your face, and live to suffer your separation. May those who see your face, be united with You immediately, O father.
O Lord, I protest, I am not interested in what you have in store for me, your plans mean nothing to me. I exist not to serve or please your any longer -- you have deprived me of you too long. I only want you, to lose existence in You, to drown in you, never to be separated again.
No more Who Am I's, no more words and struggle. I am dying anyway, i cannot continue much longer.
So either way, I will have death.
Father, am i totally insane, am i the only one who sees the flood of love in your eyes. am i the only one devastated by your eyes. Even if this is insanity, this is the most beautiful insanity, the most beautiful way of dying.
I hope existence will be kind enough to let me kiss your Holy Feet as I die.
Existence be blessed for letting this nameless soul, the temporary wisp of consciousness, or whatever, know your love. Existence has given all kinds of souls all kinds of pleasurable experiences but the greatest one was the given to me -- Your love, being Your son.
In all these billions of years, no matter what anyone has got, no one has ever got what I have, Lord, what I get when I look into Your eyes, this no one has and can never have. It is with humility and not pride that i say, that I got the greatest You gave anyone.
Such as shame, there are people alive today who have seen your mortal body and they still are alive 60 years later, hanging onto their bodies, feeding themselves well, entertaining themselves. Anyone who saw your body should have been burnt alive just looking at You. How did they survive 60 years. I say this humbly, Father, I saw your photo 3 long years back and cannot live any longer. Shame on anyone to survive after seeing your photo or hearing Your holy name. Shame on me to think other thoughts after seeing You. Shame on me for being alive.
But now all yearnings and other thoughts are gone. Longing for you, Lord, has destroyed all else.
2009-03-21 21:37
Lord, drag me out of this body now and unite me with your feet permanently. Even if I kick and scream and cling to this body, drag me out, even if i struggle to enter another womb, don't let me. Don't tell me you can bear the separation.
Dear Father
After showing me your loving face, what is the point of having me hanging about in this body and world. When anyone sees your face, the way you revealed it to me, that should be the end.
I cannot take it any longer. I cannot do sadhana, i do not care for reality for truth, for happiness, for bliss. I only care for you. I have no love left in me, i am a stone for this world. I only want You.
The world can thrive or perish, i only care about You.
May no one ever see your face, and live to suffer your separation. May those who see your face, be united with You immediately, O father.
O Lord, I protest, I am not interested in what you have in store for me, your plans mean nothing to me. I exist not to serve or please your any longer -- you have deprived me of you too long. I only want you, to lose existence in You, to drown in you, never to be separated again.
No more Who Am I's, no more words and struggle. I am dying anyway, i cannot continue much longer.
So either way, I will have death.
Father, am i totally insane, am i the only one who sees the flood of love in your eyes. am i the only one devastated by your eyes. Even if this is insanity, this is the most beautiful insanity, the most beautiful way of dying.
I hope existence will be kind enough to let me kiss your Holy Feet as I die.
Existence be blessed for letting this nameless soul, the temporary wisp of consciousness, or whatever, know your love. Existence has given all kinds of souls all kinds of pleasurable experiences but the greatest one was the given to me -- Your love, being Your son.
In all these billions of years, no matter what anyone has got, no one has ever got what I have, Lord, what I get when I look into Your eyes, this no one has and can never have. It is with humility and not pride that i say, that I got the greatest You gave anyone.
Such as shame, there are people alive today who have seen your mortal body and they still are alive 60 years later, hanging onto their bodies, feeding themselves well, entertaining themselves. Anyone who saw your body should have been burnt alive just looking at You. How did they survive 60 years. I say this humbly, Father, I saw your photo 3 long years back and cannot live any longer. Shame on anyone to survive after seeing your photo or hearing Your holy name. Shame on me to think other thoughts after seeing You. Shame on me for being alive.
But now all yearnings and other thoughts are gone. Longing for you, Lord, has destroyed all else.
2009-03-21 21:37
Lord, drag me out of this body now and unite me with your feet permanently. Even if I kick and scream and cling to this body, drag me out, even if i struggle to enter another womb, don't let me. Don't tell me you can bear the separation.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Fear of liberation
It is astonishing that one who is unattached to the things of this world or the next,
who discriminates between the permanent and the impermanent,
and who longs for liberation,
should still be afraid of liberation.
-- Ashtavakra Gita
who discriminates between the permanent and the impermanent,
and who longs for liberation,
should still be afraid of liberation.
-- Ashtavakra Gita
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Drop the seeker
2009-03-18 13:48
Beloved Father
You ask us to surrender the I and mine, but I only want You,
and You are mine.
Lord, even non-existence is better than separation from you.
2009-03-18 18:34
It is much better to drop the seeker and his personality
and just sit or be quiet, watching/seeking what is experiencing
than do sadhana as a seeker who has to be liberated with all the
struggles, aspirations etc of the seeker.
Beloved Father
You ask us to surrender the I and mine, but I only want You,
and You are mine.
Lord, even non-existence is better than separation from you.
2009-03-18 18:34
It is much better to drop the seeker and his personality
and just sit or be quiet, watching/seeking what is experiencing
than do sadhana as a seeker who has to be liberated with all the
struggles, aspirations etc of the seeker.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Clarity
2009-03-17 13:55
Life has become so much clearer and simpler now.
Earlier there was always this question and worry of how i would spend my future and therefore not knowing what to keep and what to throw away. Always confusion.
And yet knowing that all those activities were really leading nowhere, just giving a moments respite, no more. None of them really leading to you. Some related to you, but only mind created
activities to strengthen itself while giving itself the impression that it is doing sadhana and getting closer to You.
Now that enquiry has taken over, i don't have to worry or think. This will be it, and when enquiry "finds" You, You will decide what's to be done. I am happy being in silence, I know that is what was meant.
It is so natural. All the clutter from my life can be removed and thrown away.
i can't believe I kept on holding this away, delaying, finding excuses, thinking surely i could not spend *all* my time in enquiry. That was such a ridiculous thought only some weeks ago. Like spending one's entire life in sleep. Now i realize that all these mind activities _were_ the real sleep, they were death.
2009-03-17 18:03
I see you and the word Father comes to me, and I am blown away. How can i possibly do sadhana with You.
You told us to disregard thought and to inquire, that there is no world and God, but You are the ultimate experience, how can i possibly leave You.
2009-03-17 19:26
I am fed up, Father. I cannot take this separation any longer. Please please end this.
Life has become so much clearer and simpler now.
Earlier there was always this question and worry of how i would spend my future and therefore not knowing what to keep and what to throw away. Always confusion.
And yet knowing that all those activities were really leading nowhere, just giving a moments respite, no more. None of them really leading to you. Some related to you, but only mind created
activities to strengthen itself while giving itself the impression that it is doing sadhana and getting closer to You.
Now that enquiry has taken over, i don't have to worry or think. This will be it, and when enquiry "finds" You, You will decide what's to be done. I am happy being in silence, I know that is what was meant.
It is so natural. All the clutter from my life can be removed and thrown away.
i can't believe I kept on holding this away, delaying, finding excuses, thinking surely i could not spend *all* my time in enquiry. That was such a ridiculous thought only some weeks ago. Like spending one's entire life in sleep. Now i realize that all these mind activities _were_ the real sleep, they were death.
2009-03-17 18:03
I see you and the word Father comes to me, and I am blown away. How can i possibly do sadhana with You.
You told us to disregard thought and to inquire, that there is no world and God, but You are the ultimate experience, how can i possibly leave You.
2009-03-17 19:26
I am fed up, Father. I cannot take this separation any longer. Please please end this.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Any world where You are not
2009-03-16 19:45
What people call Life, is death for me. Every bit of it has a bad taste, it stinks, it is poison.
O Father, have mercy and pull me up.
Maybe I am not ready, make me ready in an instant and pull me up. I am tired, fed up of this body and "life" which is death. Any world in which my Father is not, is hell and death. This world was palatable since it had your name, and pictures, and since you had once made it holy by walking on it, and breathing its air. But i cannot keep living on just your name and photographs and imagining You to be here.
This world is a graveyard. Only where you are is living.
Lord Krishna was right when he said that all these beings are already dead. All the beings in this world _are_ ghosts.
Father, if you do not pull me up now, I will just lapse into nonexistence. You will never get me. This is my emotional threat to You. I do not not know what keeps me alive after seeing you even this moment. I love you so much I should die this instant looking into your eyes.
Pull me and carry me across, even if i kick and scream, even if i cling to this body or mind, even if there are still some desires left, finish it all like you did for Mother, and absorb me in You.
What people call Life, is death for me. Every bit of it has a bad taste, it stinks, it is poison.
O Father, have mercy and pull me up.
Maybe I am not ready, make me ready in an instant and pull me up. I am tired, fed up of this body and "life" which is death. Any world in which my Father is not, is hell and death. This world was palatable since it had your name, and pictures, and since you had once made it holy by walking on it, and breathing its air. But i cannot keep living on just your name and photographs and imagining You to be here.
This world is a graveyard. Only where you are is living.
Lord Krishna was right when he said that all these beings are already dead. All the beings in this world _are_ ghosts.
Father, if you do not pull me up now, I will just lapse into nonexistence. You will never get me. This is my emotional threat to You. I do not not know what keeps me alive after seeing you even this moment. I love you so much I should die this instant looking into your eyes.
Pull me and carry me across, even if i kick and scream, even if i cling to this body or mind, even if there are still some desires left, finish it all like you did for Mother, and absorb me in You.
Why only You are Father
2009-03-16 19:23
The more I enquire, the more i stay in silence, the more I question the I -- the more I love You, O Father.
After all, only once in this life have I known what it is to be loved. To be totally loved. For someone to love me more than anything else. Not the tenth or hundredth thing in his or her list of priorities.
But the first and only.
Only you have totally loved me. That is why you and only you in this entire universe are Father.
I will never be able to love anyone again, never be able to give this place to another, never never be able to forget You.
There are those loveless, self-realized souls who say that You do not exist in the Self, then who is pulling me into silence, and back into You.
I know one day the imaginary boundary betweeen me and you will be destroyed. I will do self-enquiry till then if need be, but at that final moment, when the "I" is destroyed and we are one, i would like it to be love and not enquiry that breaks the barrier. I would like to collapse or melt in love into You.
O Father, I hang my head in shame, that my love was not enough to melt me, to destroy the I, to surrender the I to You. I am ashamed that I had to resort to other means to reach You. But rest assured, my drive to do enquiry is not for some bliss or to be realized, but only to reach Your Feet.
Only they can say You do not exist, whose eyes you have not looked into. They may be realized or whatever, but You never gave them your darshan. And so they talk of celebrating each moment, and enjoying the body, and eating flesh, and being "normal". They do not know You, O Father. Nothing more needs to be said.
I - the one you call "Son"
2009-03-16 17:51
Beloved Father
Don't ask me who i am.
All I want is you. Only You have loved me, and loved me so much that I cannot hold onto this body just for the pleasure of a tasty meal, or chatting with a nice person, or hearing a nice song.
I want You father, instantly. The only reason I do self-enquiry is because it has taken me over, and was your path to us all. I am willing to do anything to reach Your Feet. It certainly gives me peace, and that peace and silence is growing, but it does not give me you.
Don't ask me who is it who wants You, who is yearning. It is the one whom You love, the one You called your son,
the one to whom You said, "You are mine, you belong to me". The one to whom your eyes always repeat "I am your Father".
Beloved Father
Don't ask me who i am.
All I want is you. Only You have loved me, and loved me so much that I cannot hold onto this body just for the pleasure of a tasty meal, or chatting with a nice person, or hearing a nice song.
I want You father, instantly. The only reason I do self-enquiry is because it has taken me over, and was your path to us all. I am willing to do anything to reach Your Feet. It certainly gives me peace, and that peace and silence is growing, but it does not give me you.
Don't ask me who is it who wants You, who is yearning. It is the one whom You love, the one You called your son,
the one to whom You said, "You are mine, you belong to me". The one to whom your eyes always repeat "I am your Father".
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Self-enquiry - Ramana Maharshi
... you must concentrate totally upon the awareness of ‘you’, without thought of any kind, or (alternatively) try to catch the ‘I-thought’ as it rises from within and then hold on to that firmly to the exclusion of all else.
Day by day it deepens.
Two
2009-03-14 11:11
There are these 2. One is quiet and peace, and the other is this thing
that keeps coming on, that has to be "this" or "that", become free,
liberated, has to find its own reality/real Self, that feels it is
suffering and is searching for happiness.
It sees all kinds of obstacles to its liberation and then suffers due to
them, or needs to plan how to remove or evade those obstacles, and what a
huge struggle that would be. Everyone is an enemy to its (my) liberation.
And then again there is peace, and that other entity is gone.
If i want peace, I have to just stop disturbing it.
" Me is only the idea I have of myself
suffering from other ideas, it has of itself."
... not cultivating or creating, but steadying your seeing...
There are these 2. One is quiet and peace, and the other is this thing
that keeps coming on, that has to be "this" or "that", become free,
liberated, has to find its own reality/real Self, that feels it is
suffering and is searching for happiness.
It sees all kinds of obstacles to its liberation and then suffers due to
them, or needs to plan how to remove or evade those obstacles, and what a
huge struggle that would be. Everyone is an enemy to its (my) liberation.
And then again there is peace, and that other entity is gone.
If i want peace, I have to just stop disturbing it.
Friday, March 13, 2009
myself
2009-03-13 11:41
So i created "myself", believed in myself,
and now this "I" wants to destroy this fictitious "I"/"myself".
2009-03-13 11:57
So this mind makes up a tormented world
struggles against it
And "I" get bound into this conflict
Drop the world, and the "I".
Stop believing in the "I".
So i created "myself", believed in myself,
and now this "I" wants to destroy this fictitious "I"/"myself".
2009-03-13 11:57
So this mind makes up a tormented world
struggles against it
And "I" get bound into this conflict
Drop the world, and the "I".
Stop believing in the "I".
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I
2009-03-12 09:59
I am just a thought.
I don't really exist.
2009-03-12 18:34
So it is _I_ who am suffering, and the cause of it.
It is _I_ who have to go, for there to be an end to suffering, or
whatever is left behind.
I am just a thought.
I don't really exist.
2009-03-12 18:34
So it is _I_ who am suffering, and the cause of it.
It is _I_ who have to go, for there to be an end to suffering, or
whatever is left behind.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Enquiry is Your grace
2009-03-10 09:29
How silly of me, to think you were hiding or ignoring me.
This self-awareness and "Who Am I?" that is going on all the time,
every waking moment, can only be your grace. Of course it is You,
beloved Father, pulling me to You.
That is your way.
How silly of me, to think you were hiding or ignoring me.
This self-awareness and "Who Am I?" that is going on all the time,
every waking moment, can only be your grace. Of course it is You,
beloved Father, pulling me to You.
That is your way.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Hold my hand tightly
2009-03-09 20:06
Hold my hand tightly, Lord, so I do not fall.
In this illusion, only self-awareness and "Who Am I" seems real. I trust no one, least of all myself. I only trust the one who has shown me the real path, even if your form be a part of this illusion. Only you have spoken truly and cared, Loving Father.
Glory to you.
Hold my hand tightly, Lord, so I do not fall.
In this illusion, only self-awareness and "Who Am I" seems real. I trust no one, least of all myself. I only trust the one who has shown me the real path, even if your form be a part of this illusion. Only you have spoken truly and cared, Loving Father.
Glory to you.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
The insurmountable foe
Father
Even I need your reassurance, like a dog needs it from time to time from its master.
The deception of the mind is total, how can i face and fight this insurmountable foe all alone. All is illusion, how do i know what in this illusion is true. Is there really a way out, or is that deception too.
Are we totally lost in here. There is a complete hopelessness. I am driven deeper into Who Am I. It is the only thing that makes sense, ... it is beginning to make sense that nothing here can possibly make sense since its all a hoax by the mind.
Is there really a reality beyond the mind ? Is there really a Self ?
I have pushed aside all activities and hobbies. It is clear, illusion or no illusion, that they can give me nothing. I am totally suffocated here, I cannot stay here any longer.
Self-enquiry taking over now.
Even I need your reassurance, like a dog needs it from time to time from its master.
The deception of the mind is total, how can i face and fight this insurmountable foe all alone. All is illusion, how do i know what in this illusion is true. Is there really a way out, or is that deception too.
Are we totally lost in here. There is a complete hopelessness. I am driven deeper into Who Am I. It is the only thing that makes sense, ... it is beginning to make sense that nothing here can possibly make sense since its all a hoax by the mind.
Is there really a reality beyond the mind ? Is there really a Self ?
I have pushed aside all activities and hobbies. It is clear, illusion or no illusion, that they can give me nothing. I am totally suffocated here, I cannot stay here any longer.
Self-enquiry taking over now.
