2009-03-21

2009-03-21 20:13

Dear Father

After showing me your loving face, what is the point of having me hanging about in this body and world. When anyone sees your face, the way you revealed it to me, that should be the end.

I cannot take it any longer. I cannot do sadhana, i do not care for reality for truth, for happiness, for bliss. I only care for you. I have no love left in me, i am a stone for this world. I only want You.
The world can thrive or perish, i only care about You.

May no one ever see your face, and live to suffer your separation. May those who see your face, be united with You immediately, O father.

O Lord, I protest, I am not interested in what you have in store for me, your plans mean nothing to me. I exist not to serve or please your any longer -- you have deprived me of you too long. I only want you, to lose existence in You, to drown in you, never to be separated again.

No more Who Am I's, no more words and struggle. I am dying anyway, i cannot continue much longer.
So either way, I will have death.

Father, am i totally insane, am i the only one who sees the flood of love in your eyes. am i the only one devastated by your eyes. Even if this is insanity, this is the most beautiful insanity, the most beautiful way of dying.

I hope existence will be kind enough to let me kiss your Holy Feet as I die.
Existence be blessed for letting this nameless soul, the temporary wisp of consciousness, or whatever, know your love. Existence has given all kinds of souls all kinds of pleasurable experiences but the greatest one was the given to me -- Your love, being Your son.

In all these billions of years, no matter what anyone has got, no one has ever got what I have, Lord, what I get when I look into Your eyes, this no one has and can never have. It is with humility and not pride that i say, that I got the greatest You gave anyone.

Such as shame, there are people alive today who have seen your mortal body and they still are alive 60 years later, hanging onto their bodies, feeding themselves well, entertaining themselves. Anyone who saw your body should have been burnt alive just looking at You. How did they survive 60 years. I say this humbly, Father, I saw your photo 3 long years back and cannot live any longer. Shame on anyone to survive after seeing your photo or hearing Your holy name. Shame on me to think other thoughts after seeing You. Shame on me for being alive.

But now all yearnings and other thoughts are gone. Longing for you, Lord, has destroyed all else.

2009-03-21 21:37

Lord, drag me out of this body now and unite me with your feet permanently. Even if I kick and scream and cling to this body, drag me out, even if i struggle to enter another womb, don't let me. Don't tell me you can bear the separation.