So much of what I wrote was a lie

While glancing at early entries 2005 and 2006, I see that there's so much my mind had faked based on what I had read. The mind imagining it was dissolving, imagining that the "I" had gone and i did not know who I was.

Even today i should take all this with a pinch of salt, and just focus on the I-awareness and seeing what experiences consciousness. Who is the subject of this consciousness? I should not try to talk or think of what's happening internally.

There's no doubt that way back in 2005, I understood somehow at a deep feeling level that my "suffering" was a concept, and it was impossible for me to suffer in a continued way. There was definitely a huge weight off my head.

My love for Bhagavan has also meant that the past was no longer an issue and there's been very little worry about the future, since its all Bhagavan's will. There's been an immense relief since Bhagavan "came back".

Today there are still signs of subtle suffering in that i can get irritated by certain situations, and avoid them (example, talkative people). I am unable to accept these situations. There's still a need for quiet. Love is there but its still conditional which means it is the mind's selfish love, no matter how much it may pretend to be selfless.

Enquiry and being silent and aware is happening on its own, more or less, without the craving thought of "i've got to be realized". Perhaps, now that awareness is asserting itself, and silence is growing, I know that awakening is going to happen in this life, so i can relax about it.

Some look upon this Self as a wonder, another describes it as wonderful, and others hear of it as a wonder. Even after hearing about it very few people know what the Self is.


आश्चर्यवत्पश्यति कश्चिदेन-
     माश्चर्यवद्वदति तथैव चान्यः ।
आश्चर्यवच्चैनमन्यः शृणोति
     श्रुत्वाप्येनं वेद न चैव कश्चित् ॥२- २९॥

O Arjuna, the Self that dwells in the body of all beings is eternally indestructible. Therefore, you should not mourn for anybody. (2.30)

देही नित्यमवध्योऽयं देहे सर्वस्य भारत ।
तस्मात्सर्वाणि भूतानि न त्वं शोचितुमर्हसि ॥२- ३०॥

You are not apart from me, or I from you

ममैव त्वं तवैवाहं ये मदीयास्तवैव ते । 

यस्त्वां द्वेष्टि स मां द्वेष्टि यस्त्वामनु स मामनु ॥
                                    महाभारत वनपर्व १२.४५

You belong to me, and I to you. All that is mine is yours, too.

He who is your enemy is mine too, and he who is dear to you, is dear to me.

Bhagavan and devotees

 नरस्त्वमसि दुर्द्धर्ष हरिर्नारायणो ह्यहम् ।

 काले लोकमिमं प्राप्तौ नरनारायणावृषी ॥ 

You are Nara, O Arjuna, and I am Hari Narayana.

We, the sages Nara-Narayana, have come to this world for a purpose (at the right time).

अनन्यः पार्थ मत्तस्त्वं त्वत्तश्चाहं तथैव च । 

नावयोरन्तरं शक्यं वेदितुं भरतर्षभ ॥
                               महाभारत वनपर्व १२.४६ - ४७

Arjuna (son of Pritha), You are not apart from me, or I from you (i.e., we are one). No one is capable of understanding this difference between us, O Arjuna (Best of the Bharat Dynasty).

(Comment: In the second line, does it mean lack of difference).

Happy Birthday, Father

आत्मौपम्येन सर्वत्र समं पश्यति योऽर्जुन ।
सुखं वा यदि वा दुःखं स योगी परमो मतः ॥६- ३२॥

One is considered the best yogi who regards every being like oneself, and who can feel the pain and pleasures of others as one's own, O Arjuna. (6.32)



यो मां पश्यति सर्वत्र सर्वं च मयि पश्यति ।
तस्याहं न प्रणश्यामि स च मे न प्रणश्यति ॥६- ३०॥

Those who perceive Me in everything, and behold everything in Me, are not separated from Me, and I am not separated from them. (6.30)

Happy Birthday, Father

The yogi, who is devoted to meditation, is superior to the ascetics. The yogi is superior to the Vedic scholars. The yogi is superior to the ritualists. Therefore, O Arjuna, be a yogi. (6.46)

तपस्विभ्योऽधिको योगी ज्ञानिभ्योऽपि मतोऽधिकः ।
कर्मिभ्यश्चाधिको योगी तस्माद्योगी भवार्जुन ॥६- ४६॥

Perceive me in everything ...

Eternal and Unfading,
pervading the whole Universe,
Unchanging, the Ruler, Creator and Upholder of all,
and the truly Existent. 

Those who perceive Me in everything, and behold everything in Me, are not separated from Me, and I am not separated from them. (6.30)


यो मां पश्यति सर्वत्र सर्वं च मयि पश्यति ।
तस्याहं न प्रणश्यामि स च मे न प्रणश्यति ॥६- ३०॥

who am i, and staying as awareness

I just had a peek at the chapter on Self-enquiry (practice). It says we should stay in the I-awareness. Only if unable to do so, or taken out of it, we can use techniques such as question "who the I" is who is associating with a person.

Since at that moment we are lost as the personality, a mental questioning of this personality seems okay. Otherwise, if we can immediately come back to awareness, that is the best.

Constantly remaining in or reverting to awareness will reduce vasana's (mental tendencies), in the end the Self will destroy what is left.

constant attention to I-am

If attention is focused on the feeling of I-am with such intensity that the thoughts "I am this or that" do not arise, then the individual "I" will be unable to connect with objects.


If this awareness of 'I' is sustained, the individual 'I' (the I thought) will disappear, and in its place will be a direct experience of the Self.

This constant attention to the inner awareness of 'I' or 'I Am' was called self-enquiry (vichara) by Bhagavan and he constantly recommended it as the most efficient and direct way of discovering the unreality of the 'I'-thought.

Be as you are - p 45 (self enquiry -- theory). Ah, this clarifies everything, i need not worry, just remain in the I-Am awareness.

Where Bhagavan is, there is righteousness

जयोऽस्तु पाण्डुपुत्राणां येषां पक्षे जनार्दनः।
यतः कृष्णस्ततो धर्मो यतो धर्मस्ततो जयः॥

Success be to the sons of Pāṇḍu (Pāṇḍavās), on whose side is Janārdana.
Where Bhagavan is, there is dharma and where dharma is, there is victory.

स मां त्वमनुजानीहि कृष्ण मोक्ष्ये कलेवरम़ ।

त्वयाहं समनुज्ञातो गच्छेयं परमां गतिम़   ।।

O Bhagavan, give me permission to leave this body. Doing so with your leave, I will attain the supreme goal.

The personal Self

I know i should never talk about these things.
But let me show some confidence this time.

It seems that the sense of "I" has disintegrated to some extent. The whole "I" was not pointing to anything. It was hanging in mid-air, suspended, with self-references. but none of this pointed to anything concrete or actual. It is just a ridiculous concoction standing on the authority of its own claims and drowning out everything with its noise, so that it cannot be seen that it is suspended with no support or connection to anything else.

Yet, this silence or I-am, or presence which i hold onto, which is so real and so lovely that one wishes to be in it forever, it is seen, and it is held onto. And that requires effort and reminders. Day by day it is getting easier. But someone notices movement in and out of presence. That is an effortless seeing or noticing. Who is it that notices?

In other words, stillness or I-am is an object too. Or else how could i hold onto it. So now what is this subtle silent seeing, that sees sleep, waking, that notices all transitions, that notices thought and silence.

Or to put it another way, where is everything registering? where are sensory inputs, emotions, thoughts, I-am, silence etc all registering. what blessed thing sees all this without effort ?

Or is the personal self pretending it is disintegrating. After all there are still thoughts like "I am happier than before". Am i just saying these things out of habit, or as a reflex, or is the "I" still sitting silently pretending it is on it's way out.

(iTunes: Twilight soundtrack from youtube)

Mother

The other day I went to feed her. I found her behind a car. And oh my God, i was wondering all these weeks when would she would have babies and whether they would survive ... but what a surprise awaited me.

I cannot tell you, O World, how I felt. Not only were there five pups but they were all healthy and chubby and about a month old already. O Lord, i cannot tell you how grateful I am. Last time, her entire litter perished in the heavy rain a day or so after being born, and i came to know only after the event.

Such a joy to see them everyday. They are like my babies to me. Do they have any idea how dear their mother is to me. When i look at her it is like looking at the Mother Goddess. The love in her is unmistakable. Is this why the universe really exists, to feel love for others ?

There is You, Bhagavan, Father on one hand. And then there is this existence, consciousness, which is Mother. Her love and protection is unmistakable. Are you both the same ?

I find myself praying to this Mother, to Existence, that i am now ready to serve Her -- whatever it is You all want. Now there's nothing I want or need. Just your wish or will.

Whatever power created animals, and little ones, most especially puppies, I have complete faith in that power. I cannot suspect You, or mistrust you. I can only entrust my life to You. You who created love, who created mothers, and children, what can be greater than You. I cannot bear to struggle against You any longer.

I have been afraid all along to let go, to surrender control to you. I have been afraid if i let go of the false self, then people around me will force me to eat meat or to drink, and there will be no one to protect me. Or I might hurt or harm others through action or even words. Or i might get addicted to something. Or lose control. But who is it who put me on the path of truth, or non-violence, or vegetarianism anyway. Not the silly mind. It has to be something from You or the Self trickling through the impostor.

How can i trust the clever mind more than You. How silly of me. Whatever way it is you wish to run this life, You may. My love and trust in You is too much. I am ready to take on whatever pain or hardship that life may put my way, for You, for Your children. It matters not for me. Your children are most important.

I cannot suffer no matter what comes my way any longer. I know this. And to serve You and Your children would be the utmost honor.

The mind - like the wind

Lord Krishna said: Undoubtedly, O Arjuna, the mind is restless and difficult to restrain, but it is subdued by any constant vigorous spiritual practice such as meditation with perseverance, and by detachment, O Arjuna. (6.35)

श्रीभगवानुवाच
असंशयं महाबाहो मनो दुर्निग्रहं चलम् ।
अभ्यासेन तु कौन्तेय वैराग्येण च गृह्यते ॥६- ३५॥

Unsuccessful aspirant

अर्जुन उवाच
अयतिः श्रद्धयोपेतो योगाच्चलितमानसः ।
अप्राप्य योगसंसिद्धिं कां गतिं कृष्ण गच्छति ॥६- ३७॥


Arjuna asked: The faithful who deviates from the path of meditation and fails to attain yogic perfection due to unsubdued mind what is the destination of such a person, O Krishna?

श्रीभगवानुवाच
पार्थ नैवेह नामुत्र विनाशस्तस्य विद्यते ।
न हि कल्याणकृत्कश्चिद्‌दुर्गतिं तात गच्छति ॥६- ४०॥


Lord Krishna said: There is no destruction, O Arjuna, for a yogi either here or hereafter. A transcendentalist is never put to grief, My dear friend. (6.40)

प्राप्य पुण्यकृतां लोकानुषित्वा शाश्वतीः समाः ।
शुचीनां श्रीमतां गेहे योगभ्रष्टोऽभिजायते ॥६- ४१॥


अथवा योगिनामेव कुले भवति धीमताम् ।
एतद्धि दुर्लभतरं लोके जन्म यदीदृशम् ॥६- ४२॥


The less evolved unsuccessful yogi is reborn in the house of the pious and prosperous after attaining heaven and living there for many years. The highly evolved unsuccessful yogi does not go to heaven, but is born in a spiritually advanced family. A birth like this is very difficult, indeed, to obtain in this world. (6.41-42)

तत्र तं बुद्धिसंयोगं लभते पौर्वदेहिकम् ।
यतते च ततो भूयः संसिद्धौ कुरुनन्दन ॥६- ४३॥


There he or she regains the knowledge acquired in the previous life, and strives again to achieve perfection, O Arjuna. (6.43)

पूर्वाभ्यासेन तेनैव ह्रियते ह्यवशोऽपि सः ।
जिज्ञासुरपि योगस्य शब्दब्रह्मातिवर्तते ॥६- ४४॥


The unsuccessful yogi is instinctively carried towards God by virtue of the impressions of yogic practices of previous lives. Even the inquirer of yoga the union with God surpasses those who perform Vedic rituals. (6.44)

प्रयत्नाद्यतमानस्तु योगी संशुद्धकिल्बिषः ।
अनेकजन्मसंसिद्धस्ततो याति परां गतिम् ॥६- ४५॥


The yogi, who diligently strives, becomes completely free from all imperfections after gradually perfecting through many incarnations, and reaches the Supreme Abode. (6.45)



तपस्विभ्योऽधिको योगी ज्ञानिभ्योऽपि मतोऽधिकः ।
कर्मिभ्यश्चाधिको योगी तस्माद्योगी भवार्जुन ॥६- ४६॥



The yogi, who is devoted to meditation, is superior to the ascetics. The yogi is superior to the Vedic scholars. The yogi is superior to the ritualists. Therefore, O Arjuna, be a yogi. (6.46)

योगिनामपि सर्वेषां मद्गतेनान्तरात्मना ।

श्रद्धावान् भजते यो मां स मे युक्ततमो मतः ॥६- ४७॥

And I consider the yogi-devotee who lovingly contemplates on Me with supreme faith, and whose mind is ever absorbed in Me to be the best of all the yogis. (See also 12.02 and 18.66) (6.47)

He is the Mother and Father of all

He is the Mother and the Father 
of all living creatures. 
There never was, nor will be, 
any superior to Him of eyes like lotus-petals.


एष माता पिता चैव सर्वेषां पराणिनां हरिः
     परं हि पुण्डरीकाक्षान न भूतं न भविष्यति

I am yours, you are mine

ममैव त्वं तवैवाहं ये मदीयास्तवैव ते । 

यस्त्वां द्वेष्टि स मां द्वेष्टि यस्त्वामनु स मामनु ॥

                                    महाभारत वनपर्व १२.४५ 

seeking the source of this awareness

The only way to get out of this suffering, Father, is to seek the source of this awareness. I don't see any other way out. I can't keep promising myself that some bolt from the sky will magically free me, that some Godly being will suddenly pop up and deliver me, whatever that is.

I have to keep observing this awareness, no more just being present, or just coming back to silence. Sooner or later, the living force or whatever is here has to be seen clearly.

I have said this a thousand times, there is nothing, no thing or event or person or achievement that can bring me happiness, that can give me anything more that a moments relief and joy, everything can only give a false promise of happiness, nothing more than that.

SIlence comes and gives relief and a promise, too. But it goes and the underlying sensation of suffering or un-ease returns.

Can't wait any longer

O Father.

I just can't wait any longer. The desperation is huge. How does one balance love for you with silence or self-enquiry ? The love is tearing me apart.

I don't know -- maybe it's the suffering i see around me that's acting like a stake in the heart. Each day, for months I have had only one prayer to you, to deliver all living beings, to end the suffering of all beings, that all beings may be in peace and happy.

It cannot be a few hundred mature ones at a time. It cannot be for a few chosen ones. You have to save all being, the suffering is too intense.

Dear to me

अनपेक्षः शुचिर्दक्ष उदासीनो गतव्यथः ।
सर्वारम्भपरित्यागी यो मद्भक्तः स मे प्रियः ॥१२- १६॥


One who is desireless, pure, wise, impartial, and free from anxiety; who has renounced the doership in all undertakings; such a devotee is dear to Me. (12.16)

Bhagavan and devotees

यो न हृष्यति न द्वेष्टि न शोचति न काङ्क्षति ।
शुभाशुभपरित्यागी भक्तिमान्यः स मे प्रियः ॥१२- १७॥


One who neither rejoices nor grieves, neither likes nor dislikes, who has renounced both the good and the evil, and is full of devotion; is dear to Me. (12.17)

We would lay down our lives for one another

तव भ्राता मम सखा सम्बन्धी शिष्य एव च । 

मांसान्युत्कृत्य दास्यामि फाल्गुनार्थे महीपते ॥

एष चापि नरव्याघ्रो मत्कृते जीवितं त्यजेत् ।

एषः नः समयस्तात तारयेम परस्परम्
            

       महाभारत भीष्मपर्व १०७.३३ - ३४

Your brother (Arjuna) is my friend, relative, and disciple. I will, O king, cut off my own flesh and give it away for the sake of Arjuna. And this tiger among men also can lay down his life for my sake. O sire, even this is our understanding, that we will protect each other. (Trans)

Don't trouble any other creatures, and don't be troubled either

यस्मान्नोद्विजते लोको लोकान्नोद्विजते च यः ।
हर्षामर्षभयोद्वेगैर्मुक्तो यः स च मे प्रियः ॥१२- १५॥


The one by whom no other living beings are agitated and who is not agitated by others, who is free from joy, envy, fear, and anxiety, is also dear to Me. (12.15)


Note to self: "not being agitated by others" is a huge deal. The mind-ego will ensure that we are agitated by others. Maybe its just good, the Self exposing the chinks, the Self showing us where focus is required, the Self bring the ego out into the open for us to focus on it. The Self reminding us how important it is to enquire and not to be complacent.

Love and compassion towards all creatures

अद्वेष्टा सर्वभूतानां मैत्रः करुण एव च ।
निर्ममो निरहंकारः समदुःखसुखः क्षमी ॥१२- १३॥

संतुष्टः सततं योगी यतात्मा दृढनिश्चयः ।
मय्यर्पितमनोबुद्धिर्यो मद्भक्तः स मे प्रियः ॥१२- १४॥

Bhagavan and devotees (Annamalai Swami standing behind)

One who does not hate any creature, who is (unconditionally) friendly and compassionate (towards all creatures), free from the notion of "I" and "my", even-minded and forgiving in pain and pleasure (treating equally those who give pain and pleasure); and who is ever content, who has subdued the mind, whose resolve is firm, whose mind and intellect are surrendered to Me, who is devoted to Me, is dear to Me.

Krishna is Arjuna's Self, and Krishna's Self is Arjuna

Annamalai Swami

आत्मा हि कृष्णः पार्थस्य कृष्णस्यात्मा धनंजयः । 
यद ब्रूयादर्जुनः कृष्णं सर्वं कुर्यादसंशयम् ॥

Ramanatha Brahmachari front left corner

कृष्णो धनंजयस्यार्थे स्वर्गलोकमपि त्यजेत्।
तथैव पार्थः कृष्णार्थे प्राणानपि परित्यजेत् ॥
            महाभारत सभापर्व ५२.३१ - ३३

Mahabharata - Sabha Parva (52 31-33)