So much of what I wrote was a lie

While glancing at early entries 2005 and 2006, I see that there's so much my mind had faked based on what I had read. The mind imagining it was dissolving, imagining that the "I" had gone and i did not know who I was.

Even today i should take all this with a pinch of salt, and just focus on the I-awareness and seeing what experiences consciousness. Who is the subject of this consciousness? I should not try to talk or think of what's happening internally.

There's no doubt that way back in 2005, I understood somehow at a deep feeling level that my "suffering" was a concept, and it was impossible for me to suffer in a continued way. There was definitely a huge weight off my head.

My love for Bhagavan has also meant that the past was no longer an issue and there's been very little worry about the future, since its all Bhagavan's will. There's been an immense relief since Bhagavan "came back".

Today there are still signs of subtle suffering in that i can get irritated by certain situations, and avoid them (example, talkative people). I am unable to accept these situations. There's still a need for quiet. Love is there but its still conditional which means it is the mind's selfish love, no matter how much it may pretend to be selfless.

Enquiry and being silent and aware is happening on its own, more or less, without the craving thought of "i've got to be realized". Perhaps, now that awareness is asserting itself, and silence is growing, I know that awakening is going to happen in this life, so i can relax about it.