It's so unfair. Raja is sitting on the sand dune in front of my house. I am looking at him from my window. He cannot see me in my window. He spends all his time looking at the gate below waiting for me to come out. He lowers his head sleepily for a moment, and then again raises it and looks at the gate.
Sometimes at night too I look at him from my vantage point, most beloved creature, and he can't see me. Some time back it looked like he was looking intently at my window, but then he looked away. Such a huge love affair between me and the two beloved ones. He often spends a lot of time at the gate trying to get in, waiting for someone to open it so he can come in and sleep in some corner. I wish he knew how much i love him and that i cannot take my eyes off his lovely face. Of course both mother and child know how much i love them, but not that i cannot take my eyes off them. Someone just went out of our house. Raja is looking through our gate to our door, to see who emerges. O beloved ones, I am not your master, I am your servant.
How kind this universe has been to give me the two of your, the Universe's greatest gift. (bhogaarati playing on itunes). O God, O universe, make sure i pay my dues to you before i depart, make sure i serve your wonderful creatures completely, leaving nothing, I long to serve you, beloved Mother Earth, beloved, kind, Universe.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
An issue taking me out of awareness
Another ego attack, God what do i do. It's been raining lately and my two dear ones have been coming into our front-yard and sitting there. The top lady has complained, I told her to keep the gate closed. I told her i don't feed them here. They don't keep the gate closed, and someone or other leaves it open. The top floor lady has suddenly become very aggressive and belligerent.
Had it been anything else, I could have dealt, but anything to do with the dog's health or lives, or threat to them, and the mind goes hyper-active.
I have many things i could argue back with them, however, that would put me deeper into mind mode. I know i have to find the way using love and forgiving. At the same time, whatever happens I have to remain present. I cannot let the mind take over. the mind can only think of attack, of revenge, of retribution, of hitting back, of hurting...
Lord, help me stay in awareness, and help me do the right thing. I know that You will protect the dear ones. Everything is in your hands. I have only the illusion of doer-ship. However, i still somehow feel their lives are in my hands. I need clarity in this. I have to wake up in this life and asap, so i can serve you. i cannot tolerate this "self" mode, this "me and mine" mode of living.
Had it been anything else, I could have dealt, but anything to do with the dog's health or lives, or threat to them, and the mind goes hyper-active.
I have many things i could argue back with them, however, that would put me deeper into mind mode. I know i have to find the way using love and forgiving. At the same time, whatever happens I have to remain present. I cannot let the mind take over. the mind can only think of attack, of revenge, of retribution, of hitting back, of hurting...
Lord, help me stay in awareness, and help me do the right thing. I know that You will protect the dear ones. Everything is in your hands. I have only the illusion of doer-ship. However, i still somehow feel their lives are in my hands. I need clarity in this. I have to wake up in this life and asap, so i can serve you. i cannot tolerate this "self" mode, this "me and mine" mode of living.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Transformers 2
Went with D and I to see Transformers 2 (3D). Besides the headache that I got, I could not help thinking all the time that aren't these people conscious. How can they behave like this ? And this was pushing me into consciousness constantly. People so deeply identified with their bodies, and living completely through that misidentification. So bleak it is for humankind. Lord, will humanity ever wake up. Or will they destroy themselves first ?
It is so easy to miss, so subtle, so always there, that it is unseen. How can one be pointed to something that has always been there, has always been seen but never noticed, always overlooked. The intense suffering that this overlooking can cause, to oneself and to others around us, the fear and violence and killing that this overlooking results in ...
Lord, please help me to awaken, to see clearly.
It is so easy to miss, so subtle, so always there, that it is unseen. How can one be pointed to something that has always been there, has always been seen but never noticed, always overlooked. The intense suffering that this overlooking can cause, to oneself and to others around us, the fear and violence and killing that this overlooking results in ...
Lord, please help me to awaken, to see clearly.
Little ones fighting !
Raja has grown. When I feed him and Mother (out of one bowl, bread and milk), at the end when they are licking off the final crumbs they now get into a scuffle. And its a very nasty brawl. Very difficult for me to break up Mother and Son. Whichever one i hold onto, the other one attacks.
I might just have to cut out the milk and go back to dog biscuits or some dry alternative that does not require a bowl. My dear ones, is this what I taught you? I taught you love. You both are sadhus, not ordinary people living for personal pleasure. My little angels, angels sent down here by God to love and teach love.
Through all the tumult, the house related fighting, the tennis slams and Masters, I try hard, Lord, to come back to awareness and silence. I fear i may waste this life, too.
My only desire and longing is to serve You, and Your children, all your beloved creatures. I want nothing for myself. I long to serve You, Father. I am so lethargic, and just not bright enough to know what to do. I am lost. If I tried to do anything of my own accord, my silly ego would mess it up. I would serve selfishly, I would select selfishly based on my conditioning.
Take this sense of "I" away and use this body and consciousness to serve others. It is a hindrance to You and even me.
I might just have to cut out the milk and go back to dog biscuits or some dry alternative that does not require a bowl. My dear ones, is this what I taught you? I taught you love. You both are sadhus, not ordinary people living for personal pleasure. My little angels, angels sent down here by God to love and teach love.
Through all the tumult, the house related fighting, the tennis slams and Masters, I try hard, Lord, to come back to awareness and silence. I fear i may waste this life, too.
My only desire and longing is to serve You, and Your children, all your beloved creatures. I want nothing for myself. I long to serve You, Father. I am so lethargic, and just not bright enough to know what to do. I am lost. If I tried to do anything of my own accord, my silly ego would mess it up. I would serve selfishly, I would select selfishly based on my conditioning.
Take this sense of "I" away and use this body and consciousness to serve others. It is a hindrance to You and even me.
Sunday, July 03, 2011
Raja - my life
Father, what have you done?
I sit at home, often i cant stop thinking of Raja and his mother. How i wish i could be with them all the time. I have tears of love and gratitude in my eyes when i think of them, and the great gift you have given me.
I touch Raja and it is ecstasy for me. The joy of just touching beloved Raja is indescribable. Just looking at him, hearing him or thinking him gives me such joy. However, when i touch him. Are these angels you have sent down to love me ? Or is this you yourself, taking a form in which you know i will love you intensely. I just cannot thank you enough, Father and Mother, for this wonderful creation of yours, and the wonderful and beloved animals whom i love so so dearly, each one like my own child, like they are a part of my body or soul.
Has anyone else ever known such joy ? Have you showered so much grace on anyone else before ? To be able to feel love is the greatest thing ever. To be able to love another completely, so this is why you've created this complex world.
I keep remembering when he was smaller a few months ago. I would pick him up in my arms and hold him against my chest for hours when we in the hospital, or driving. In all that he became a part of my soul. Or always was. Now, thanks to your grace, he's grown so big, but i can't hug him. I cant pick him up. But what a beauty what a joy he is. Sitting often on the sand dunes outside due to all the construction going on.
He is like my own child, actually he is my child, a part of me, of my very being, inseparable. Both mother and child, your biggest and most fantastic gifts to me. You have broken all limits in creating them, Lord, you have outdone yourself, you have peaked, you have reached perfection, beloved Mother. There is really no more you can give me now. I am complete, I am full. I only want to serve you and your children. I don't know how, I am still saddled with this identity, this "Me". I am willing to give up everything to serve you, Mother, Father. Take this "I".
May all beings be liberated, may all be happy and at peace.
I sit at home, often i cant stop thinking of Raja and his mother. How i wish i could be with them all the time. I have tears of love and gratitude in my eyes when i think of them, and the great gift you have given me.
I touch Raja and it is ecstasy for me. The joy of just touching beloved Raja is indescribable. Just looking at him, hearing him or thinking him gives me such joy. However, when i touch him. Are these angels you have sent down to love me ? Or is this you yourself, taking a form in which you know i will love you intensely. I just cannot thank you enough, Father and Mother, for this wonderful creation of yours, and the wonderful and beloved animals whom i love so so dearly, each one like my own child, like they are a part of my body or soul.
Has anyone else ever known such joy ? Have you showered so much grace on anyone else before ? To be able to feel love is the greatest thing ever. To be able to love another completely, so this is why you've created this complex world.
I keep remembering when he was smaller a few months ago. I would pick him up in my arms and hold him against my chest for hours when we in the hospital, or driving. In all that he became a part of my soul. Or always was. Now, thanks to your grace, he's grown so big, but i can't hug him. I cant pick him up. But what a beauty what a joy he is. Sitting often on the sand dunes outside due to all the construction going on.
He is like my own child, actually he is my child, a part of me, of my very being, inseparable. Both mother and child, your biggest and most fantastic gifts to me. You have broken all limits in creating them, Lord, you have outdone yourself, you have peaked, you have reached perfection, beloved Mother. There is really no more you can give me now. I am complete, I am full. I only want to serve you and your children. I don't know how, I am still saddled with this identity, this "Me". I am willing to give up everything to serve you, Mother, Father. Take this "I".
May all beings be liberated, may all be happy and at peace.
