Where are you, little brown one ?

Last night, when i fed them the brown one ate nothing. Not alarming since she often is full being the aggressive one. Today morning I saw Raja in front of my flat quite early and fed him. The mother came but not the brown one. I think i saw the brown one from a distance during the day once.
Tonight, i went to the table where the 3 sit, and only Raja and mother were there. The guards had not seen the brown one.

Where are you little one? I had hoped you would keep the line alive. I am sorry I did not pay much attention to you, since i had to focus on Raja. Have you left us for another area, are you lost ? Or has God claimed you, too ?

How much will I have to accept ? And yet, i have no choice. All i can do is to leave you to Mother and Father's mercy. I was going to give you your vaccinations in a day or so. In the beginning you were my favorite, i used to hold you against my cheek and call you names. Then with the various injuries and accidents i had to give more attention to the others. I pray for you, for your life, for your health, beloved one.

I used to keep thinking, should i call you Mira or Radha. I used to wonder which one of you two (females) to give which name. That way i would always remember Mira and Radha.

I have loved with all my heart and soul. I have had the greatest experience of my life in loving you, and in feeding you all, and taking care of you, of holding you, and touching you. I have also had the most trying period i can remember, where i have had to leave your lives to God due to how dangerous these roads are. It has been the biggest test of faith for me. And now to lose all of you, one by one. I have loved you all as if you were born from my own body. When i hold Raja, i just know that we are one.

btw, today we drove past our old house, and Chhota[1] was sitting there licking his paws. I had not seen him for some time, and had thought the worst. But he was looking good and healthy.

O Mother and Father, i know all this including my own body is a dream created by the ego to delude me. No matter how dear parts of this dream are. No matter what, I seek liberation from this dream, from all experience. I am not interested in experience, i am tired. You can take it all, Mother, Father, Self. You can have it all.

[1] - Chhota is the stray dog at our previous home. I used to look after him, and he slept in our front yard. We tried to bring him to the new house but failed.

I must prefer liberation and silence (to the egoic mind)

At all times, i must prefer silence and awareness, to the noise and identification of the mind. I must prefer liberation to suffering and to the temporary "rush" of anger and judgment. Liberation only. Let any thought or identification come, i will choose awareness instead.

The only desire must be liberation.

more noise !!! Being free is ALL that matters

I thought the whole neighbour issue was over and done with mentally, could never take my mind ever again for more than one second, but last night the new episode has really taken over. i was struggling all of last night, and even today defensive measures and occasionally even offensives keep coming up and identifying.

So what is most important for me ? To keep defending this mind body and its positions and to lead a comfortable physical life, or to be established in my real self and be free forever. Is defending this body or some possession, or some mental position so important that i should give up awareness. Does it really matter if some possession is taken, does it matter if i am even ultimately homeless or destitute because i was busy remaining in awareness ? Can i sacrifice final and everlasting peace for some temporary victory over some people who are temporary ?

All this will be gone, including these bodies. These are all created by the mind. The mind is creating an identification with a person and body and then all these compelling situations that have to be fought out and defended. It does not matter if these people insult us, or use us, it does not matter if the body has to suffer some inconveniences or the mind has to bear insults. It does not matter. The truth matters. Escaping the ego and being free of this hypnosis and complete control matters.

You are my life, Mother and little ones

Today i took Raja for bandaging, and got him some vaccinations. Need to get a booster in 3 weeks. At night i went to feed them. They were on the table by the tree (where the ironing man works). After feeding them I left. I looked back, the 3 of them were standing on the edge of the table looking intently at me. How it breaks my heart !!!

You three are my life, totally. How can i ever tell a human being this secret. That i have found the whole universe in you. The 3 of you look at me like ... don't you know that i am nothing, a total failure, a non-entity, could this universe find no one more capable, more courageous to serve you. It picked me for this supreme honor of serving you, a weak, scared, spineless human. The universe has entrusted its beloved little children in a spineless lost human who can't take care of himself. Oh my little ones, forgive me for being such a half-wit, such an excuse, in this universe, all you got was me. You are worth far, far more. You are worth the best, the highest. You are worth much, much more.

After loving you, i no longer experience myself as being a human. Yes, i look like one, i have a human body, but now i am totally of your species. I am one of you. O Mother, whenever i think of you my eyes moisten. To me you are God, you are the Divine Mother, no less. I see God in you, let me say this finally. You may be in a mortal coil, fighting for your own safety, bitten by others, carrying a limp in one hind leg (from the day Raja was hit, iirc), but you are the Universal Mother. I cannot believe otherwise.

Your identity is a secret, i cannot harm you by letting others know, not that anyone would believe. I have lost myself in you all.

This little piece reminds me of Raja, the injured one. JCE (Journey to the Center of the earth - Goodbye Max).

Mind games - must revisit

Events happen that take the mind totally. Such as someone praising me recently when i was feeding Raja. A driver telling me how rare kindness is, and how he cried for 3 days when he ran over a pup. Or the anger that arises at the neighbors. It could be any of these issues.

At such points, simply being in the Now or coming to awareness is not easy. One has to remember to ask "who is it who is angry?" or "who is so bothered about X", or "to whom do these thoughts of XXX belong?". Repeatedly ask.

One has to remember that this is the ego trying to take over. The ego tries to create circumstances to get me into the mind/individuality mode. It tries to trap me. And this "me" itself is a mind creation. Mind/ego identifies awareness with a body and creates adverse (or emotional etc) situations to strengthen the identification.

And Mother/Father/Self, you create these situations, to make "me" enquire and free myself. The "I", the individuality is like a poison.

O Mother, what a discovery to have found you, with all your love for all creatures. What a discovery to find you in all creatures. In everything. How did i ever live blindly all my life, and not know you were all around. Glory to You.

Another one goes

Today when I was taking the injured one, Raja, for bandaging, the other female was sitting in the sun, still shaking. She was unable to take food. I wanted to get her into the car, but i could not and no one else was helping. they all melted away.

I returned 2 hours later with Raja, and the lady who had taken Raja the first time, was standing outside 524, telling me the female is badly injured. She was looking sick. On driver did bring her out, and the lady took her to Friendicoes. Later she called to say that the other one has distemper and will have to be put to sleep. Otherwise, she can be a danger for the other pups and mother.

So beloved one, by now you are no more. I just pray and hope you will be united with me for ever. I remember how you used to sit in my lap growling when i took you for getting your toe treated. And how you used to scream when you had the anti-biotic injection. You would quieten down when i would pick you up. Beloved one, I loved you dearly. I used to dream of having you and your fellow pups sleeping next to me.

We will live another day

(Continued from previous post)
Just went back and fed them. its still drizzling. they were all snuggled in the corner of the driveway of the same house (S 524). God bless them for letting them be there. (SAme lady who gave me a tirade one day). Of course Mother, you will protect their children since they protected yours.

Gave you all milk and biscuits, the white one also had it, although sitting rather oddly. I love the smell of these pups so much, even though they've been in the dirt, road and everything for three months now, but they smell divine to me. The most wonderful smell on earth. When i left, they were looking at me through the spokes of a bicycle. It breaks my heart to leave them and have them looking at me. I just hope they remain there and don't venture out.

I told the white one, and all of them, that they must survive, they must win. Oh, how i could have hugged all of you and just lived with you in a ditch or street corner. If I could i would have brought all of you into this place. .... what a test! You are the whole world for me.

The other white pup

Today I went to take Raja for his bandage change. Being a Sunday, there was a long wait. So i thought i will bring him back tomorrow morning. It rained heavily on the way back. When the rain stopped, i took Raja back to where the other pups were. The other white one was looking at me very sheepishly. The mother was licking one foot.

When i touched her, she screamed. She would not let me touch her. I tried to roll her over. I could see no wound or hurt. She was shivering and afraid. Then after a while she rolled over straight, and crawled behind her mother. So she was able to walk.  I came out, there was one guard whom i asked. He said that if anything had happened, he would have known. Perhaps she has been bitten. Maybe her mother has bitten her. Or someone has beaten her.
The mother, the brown pup and Raja came out. I kept putting Raja back in but he would come out. Finally, i came away.

Is she just very cold, or feverish? Is she hurt, or bitten ? If the mother or other pup has bitten her, she would not by lying with them, would she ? I have no idea, Lord. I am lost. So much suffering in this world. There is still thunder, its evening, very windy and cold outside, so its not going to get warmer. Probably will rain further tonight.

The other white pup

Today I went to take Raja for his bandage change. Being a Sunday, there was a long wait. So i thought i will bring him back tomorrow morning. It rained heavily on the way back. When the rain stopped, i took Raja back to where the other pups were. The other white one was looking at me very sheepishly. The mother was licking one foot.

When i touched her, she screamed. She would not let me touch her. I tried to roll her over. I could see no wound or hurt. She was shivering and afraid. Then after a while she rolled over straight, and crawled behind her mother. So she was able to walk.  I came out, there was one guard whom i asked. He said that if anything had happened, he would have known. Perhaps she has been bitten. Maybe her mother has bitten her. Or someone has beaten her.
The mother, the brown pup and Raja came out. I kept putting Raja back in but he would come out. Finally, i came away.

Is she just very cold, or feverish? Is she hurt, or bitten ? If the mother or other pup has bitten her, she would not by lying with them, would she ? I have no idea, Lord. I am lost. So much suffering in this world. There is still thunder, its evening, very windy and cold outside, so its not going to get warmer. Probably will rain further tonight.

Identities

Identities are trying to take over. I must not identify with them. I must not let them get hold. I wish to serve You, Father, not these energies of anger and hate and revenge, and judgment. I wish to surrender these identities to you, including the one that thinks it is apart from reality, that is seeking you as a separate entity.

Trying to reclaim myself

Life will go on... so will death and pain and suffering. My body, and all these will go. I can do what i can do to help and serve, but ultimately its up to you, Lord, as to what the result is .. who lives, who dies, how long ...

I was listening to Realization of Being (Tolle) last night, it is necessary to reclaim my space, myself, even as i serve others. There is too much suffering anyway, i cannot solve it all. I can do my best, and thank you for giving me an opportunity to love and feel the pain of another and to serve you. It has been an honor, loving Lord. I don't wish to be cold and unfeeling. This body is not mine, and this mind is not me. You can play as you wish to beloved One. Be happy always, Loving Father and Mother, in all your forms.

A visit at night

It's rained in the evening. Your rug would be soaked. You would all be wet.

I am sitting by my window, just switched on Colors of the Wind. I see Mother walking by my house, on the other side of the road. Then two pups come from the other side. Then the bandaged one appears. Oh, how it breaks my heart. How i'd love to go out and welcome you all, except you'd never leave, and the nasty guys above would create a stink and hurt you all.

The gate was open, the pups come into our drive, followed by Mother. Silence. I am worried that you are all lying under the car. If the guy goes out at night you could be below the car. Then suddenly you all go running out, with the driveway mop in your mouths, tugging at it. You deposit it next to the gate. Then you go off.

I wish the occupants of both floors above would leave so you could all come and live in our driveway/front. But then you'd be scratching our door all (day and) night ! I hope you find a dry spot to sleep in, dear ones. God bless You all, God protect you all, divine ones.

Is this world real ?

O Father, O Mother, tell me honestly, is all this I see true. Is all this suffering I see real, or just some mirage to make me wake up. Yesterday an old man at Frendicoes was telling me about a run over pup that survived. I cried as he told me, it was impossible to even imagine the suffering of a pup. Today, 2 men came with a tiny little thing, with big doleful eyes, they wanted to leave it there -- i told him the shelter here is overcrowded and dogs are dying of disease and neglect. He said he will leave the pup back where he picked it up. I told him the little thing will be mauled or run over again. He said there were 4 or 5 others, we are trying to save his life. Said they could not adopt him since they leave in the morning and come home late at night.

I trust You completely, and know everything is for the best. I know you love all creatures far more than i (my silly false mind) can ever imagine. I am just a pretense, and a really hypocritical one at that. If this world is real, if the suffering around me is, how will i ever wake up, how can i  put the pain out of my mind and remain still.

When i am dead, will this suffering continue for ever ? I know the one in me who suffers is imaginary. I know the one who feels compassion and love is imaginary. The one who prays to you today and everyday to end suffering is imaginary. Whatever i see and experience is in front, I cannot see what is experiencing. I cannot see what is alive. I only see and am the imaginary and arising. I do not know what is actually alive here. I do not know that which is not imaginary. The "I"  that says this is imaginary. It's an awful loop that I cannot get out of.

I love you Lord, and Mother of all beings, and i love all beings. This fake person, this fake despicable ego begs for all beings to be free of suffering, for all beings to be happy and at peace for ever. My soul is in torment. And even this so-called imaginary torment does not equal that which these beings are going through. I sit cosily and healthily while millions suffer. I hope this imaginary pain of this ego, in some way frees others of their karma.

How all this has impacted sadhana

Ever since i found the male one (shall i call him Shiva or Ram or Raja), i have been unable to remain silent, i am thinking of the pups day and night. I am worried to death. Is this a mind trick to break me out of awareness. I am just unable.

Another thing. At one time the brown one of the 2 small ones was my favorite. Probably because i found him throwing up one night when it was freezing, and i thought he would not survive. Later when Raja returned and was larger than these 2 and often pushed them around i did not take to him. At some stage, I began to take to the small white female (who has her toe run over the other day). But after Raja's accident, he has become my favorite. The brown one had sort of receded into the background, often she would just be sleeping when i fed them, uninterested in eating. Today, when i gave some dog biscuits to Raja, the brown female attacked his neck. He cried out. I had to hold her back a lot. I suddenly wanted her out. She has become quite aggressive now. Later when they lay down and Raja tried to join them, she again tried biting his nose. He was frightened and leaned against me, till the other 2 settled down, then he tried to find a place.

So this is the love of the ego. Completely taking me from awareness. And such a pretense, shifting as per its own convenience. This cannot be the love of the Self which would be fair to all. I will still always serve then as fairly as i can, but i must stay in awareness so the Self can get me out of this selective love.

Lord, help me come back to awareness. Protect me from the mind. O Self, protect me. Pull me.

I guess the family and sibling-hood can only last so long. My dream that they would live together and protect each other .. will that not come to be. I talked to them, asking them to be together and stand by one another. I guess they will forget each other and see each other as competition (as the Doctor said about the mother and pups).

Another accident

I was feeding. The smaller white was on the other side, a car came up and stopped then it moved. The little one's foot came under the car, it was bleeding and she was screaming.

When i picked her up, she quietened. So i took her to the hospital. They bandaged her foot. Perhaps one toe is broken. I have to take her for the next few days everyday. That means tomorrow i will be taking two pups.

One lady across the road heard the screams and came out. (This is not the one who took them to the hospital). She was telling me she could not sleep the other day since one was crying under her window. Wanting me to have them removed. I told her i don't know any number for stray dogs -- they will grow up and move away. Kept arguing, but i told her i have to take the dog to the hospital.

So now we have 2 casualties. The doctor said there were already many stray dogs and no one is adopting them. Lord, please find them a home. She said the mother could be neutered in a couple of weeks. She will reject the pups in a short while and see them as competitors.

I feel complete

I took you there to get your bandages redone today. We had to wait quite a bit. I sat on a bench with you on my lap. Sitting there i was looking down at you, and you were looking here and there. I was wondering what you were looking at and what you were thinking. I was talking to you to reassure you. I was touching your ears, they were poking out of the bandages, just looking at them breaks my heart.

But sitting there with you in my lap, I felt complete. For the first time in my life i have felt this way. That there is nothing more. I feel the same with with the other pups and with Mother. We are one family. We are complete. Nothing more needed.

When i was with you, it was like the whole universe was there. The universe was present. How do i put it ? The Universe is experiencing this bond. I have found life in you, i have found the whole world in you all. I now can say i know what it is to live, i know why this universe came about, i have lost myself totally in you little creatures and your mother. She has no idea what a wonderful job she has done in bringing you all into this world. She should be proud but knows not.

I went for a walk in the afternoon, but could not meditate. I was full of emotion, that is at a bursting point. I just cannot stop thinking of you, little one. Day and night my mind revolves around you.

What you are teaching me

Sheru and Dolby came to teach me love, devotion ... bhakti. It is because of their love that I was able to love You, Father.

Today, these pups and their mother are here to teach me service. How to serve others. The desire in me to serve You, O God, is so strong it is eating me alive. All i want is to work as per your will. I have nothing left in me. I promise You, Mother, Universe, take my will away, so you can work through this body. I have nothing to lose now but the things that hold me back from being completely your loving servant. I am only blocking what needs to express itself. Let this "I" go so this body can be free. I am tired of holding back.

The mind talks big about bhakti and service but eventually holds the Being back. You can take it away, Lord. It is a blessing to serve your children, Father, Mother, the hugest blessing imaginable. That blessing is already mine. The ecstasy of serving you is already mine. Let these barriers go so i can be Yours completely. I have eaten enough, enjoyed enough, now let me serve You wholly, without hinderance, without these chains binding me.

O Universe, I love you so much, i just cannot tell you. I cannot contain it any longer, you are too dear. If only i could embrace you, if only i could kiss your feet.

I feel so connected to other beings, so a part of You. I need to drown in You O Lord, I cannot exist outside the water. My separate existence is suffocating me.

What a blessing

What a wonderful feeling. To put bits of food into your little bandaged mouth. You chomp up whatever i give you without fuss. How gracious is God to save your life. And that someone took you to hospital. and that you have such a fine, loving Mother. What a blessing to be born of such a mother. How blessed am I that I have the opportunity of serving you all beloved ones.

Thank you, Universe for your infinite kindness.

I will do what you want

My prayer nowadays to you is what is it you want from me in exchange of happiness for all beings, no more suffering for any living creature. Ask for anything, i will do anything, give anything for this. I would give my life, i would burn or freeze in hell for eternity if you could ensure and end to all suffering forever. i really would do anything.

i really mean this.

And there's a confession. there are still thoughts of revenge, that you should punish those that are doing wrong -- certain people i am riled with. That's just my ego that seeks revenge, i do not really mean it. Help me so i don't wish ill for these people. Whenever i see misfortune befall them, i know there must be some delight in me, even though i do not admit it even to myself. I immediately tie it in with the wrong i feel they are doing to others. i feel that misfortune is correct and deserved. I am mean, O Father, despite all your love and grace, there is still time and space in me for meanness and wishing others harm. Underneath the garb of virtuous thoughts is the same sickness of unhappiness that results in such thoughts.

I have no time for those things. After seeing your love and kindness, O Lord, where is there time for any living creature to be worrying about land, possessions, freedom, what happens to this temporary body. all this pales in front of you. I did not come here for this, O Father. Not to waste time on such thoughts. I must remain in enquiry and not abandon silence for silly worries. I did not come here to get wrapped up in the ego's petty games.

The pup that got run over

Today i went to feed the two remaining pups. I could not find the brown one so was prowling around. Then i saw a white leg and body inside the driveway where they often sun themselves. It has the same color and blotches as the one run over. It did not seem decomposed and I wondered how these people would allow a dead body to lie in their drive. After a while i could not hold myself, and walked into the driveway. There was a bandaged leg and a bandaged face. It was the run over one. I gave it some biscuits which it took. The others came over. Mother came and sniffed her (or him).

Then i walked back, and there was only one guard on the street. Normally the street has many drivers and guards standing around the big houses. This was the guard who had told me last week about this one being run over and surviving (the first time it was run over and survived). He told me that a lady on the next street (mine) who has a dog found him on the side of the road and took him to a hospital.

Later while going to get yoghurt, i saw a lady who lives across my house putting out her clothes on her balcony. She confirmed that she had taken the dog to Frendicoes (where i once took Chhota when he was badly bitten). She will be taking him everyday for dressings for four days. She said the pup was badly injured and mauled by a dog. She took him, he got a lot of injections. She then asked the people in that house if they could keep him as she already has a dog.

I continued then on my walk, but i've been so overwhelmed by this. O Mother, your grace your protection. I was wondering how you could save the pup once but let it die a week later. I just don't know how to thank you, Mother. I am just totally shaken.

One more gone

I just went to feed them. There were only 2. The larger white one was not there. after feeding them i walked in the opposite direction, for some strange reason.

After some houses at the turn, some guards called out to me. They said the large white one had been run over. Some lady drove over it and dragged it for some while. The Mother had come there and was smelling the blood there. I walked around that area, it was dark so i could not see, thinking that maybe the body is still there, maybe there the pup is still alive but hurt.

I could not find anything. (This is the same one for which someone had told me it had been run over but miraculously survived).

Are such occurrences to break the ego? To strengthen enquiry? Yes, i am enquiring as to who is it who suffers.

O Lord, for the sake of the Mother, please protect the last 2 ones. Please remember that the last litter all drowned. Everytime i go to feed them will i have to wonder if it is the last time i will see them?
Will i have to once again go with heavy heart each time, wondering if one more would have died ? How will i enquire if i am constantly worried for their lives.

Lord, this is the greatest you gave me. This is the final, the ultimate in this world. I know I know, this is the ego speaking, not the real I.

The joy of loving the babies

I really don't know if I've ever experienced any joy like that of loving these pups and being one with them and their Mother. I really don't think this universe has anything higher to offer me. For me this is it.

The rest will always pale in comparison. Touching you all, feeding you all, seeing you with these eyes, seeing your play and your little puppy things, hearing your sounds, and letting you bite my fingers.

One day all this will go away. You will grow up. You will go your way and I mine. But never again will i see anything, or touch anything which will give me as much joy as you all.

As long as i am in this body, i can always look at my fingers and remember that you chewed them.

Let me be honest now. When i look at you all and feed you all, i feed you as though it is God i feed, God I look at. For me it is God in your eyes. It is a blessing that you took these beloved forms for me to feed and be with and love. In all forms you verily are, Lord. When i see you in a form, you will be there. You will look out at me, Lord. Wherever I look for you, you will be there. Always.

Why are there some forms I love, and some i don't, and some i detest. Why this discrimination ? Why can't i see you in all forms and love all the way i love these ones.

Whatever, this has been the greatest experience of my life. I have loved before, like my beloved Sheru, who too was my child no less. But in those days, i was struggling against existence, separate from all. Today, there is such an intense love for existence. I see all this as Mother. It is inside this love for all existence as Mother, that i have fallen in love so desperately with these little babies and their mother. I totally forget myself with them. It is like we are all one soul. And there is a wish that we souls never part, that we become one soon.