Where are you, little brown one ?

Last night, when i fed them the brown one ate nothing. Not alarming since she often is full being the aggressive one. Today morning I saw Raja in front of my flat quite early and fed him. The mother came but not the brown one. I think i saw the brown one from a distance during the day once.
Tonight, i went to the table where the 3 sit, and only Raja and mother were there. The guards had not seen the brown one.

Where are you little one? I had hoped you would keep the line alive. I am sorry I did not pay much attention to you, since i had to focus on Raja. Have you left us for another area, are you lost ? Or has God claimed you, too ?

How much will I have to accept ? And yet, i have no choice. All i can do is to leave you to Mother and Father's mercy. I was going to give you your vaccinations in a day or so. In the beginning you were my favorite, i used to hold you against my cheek and call you names. Then with the various injuries and accidents i had to give more attention to the others. I pray for you, for your life, for your health, beloved one.

I used to keep thinking, should i call you Mira or Radha. I used to wonder which one of you two (females) to give which name. That way i would always remember Mira and Radha.

I have loved with all my heart and soul. I have had the greatest experience of my life in loving you, and in feeding you all, and taking care of you, of holding you, and touching you. I have also had the most trying period i can remember, where i have had to leave your lives to God due to how dangerous these roads are. It has been the biggest test of faith for me. And now to lose all of you, one by one. I have loved you all as if you were born from my own body. When i hold Raja, i just know that we are one.

btw, today we drove past our old house, and Chhota[1] was sitting there licking his paws. I had not seen him for some time, and had thought the worst. But he was looking good and healthy.

O Mother and Father, i know all this including my own body is a dream created by the ego to delude me. No matter how dear parts of this dream are. No matter what, I seek liberation from this dream, from all experience. I am not interested in experience, i am tired. You can take it all, Mother, Father, Self. You can have it all.

[1] - Chhota is the stray dog at our previous home. I used to look after him, and he slept in our front yard. We tried to bring him to the new house but failed.