what perceives the I-am?

I feel like i am hitting my head against a wall. It is clear that the silence or Nowness or I-ness is perceived by something. That something is perceiving all this.

But getting a handle on this something.... everything turns out to be something arising in ... me ... even the one looking is arising in me, but what is "me". Even the one reporting it is difficult is arising in me. I have been so deeply frustrated since yesterday, its like a wild-goose chase, and yet there *is* something here that is alive and exists. There is undeniably awareness behind all these arisings.

One's entire life is spent at the level of what is arising temporarily, not what registers all this.

Fix the mind on the Self or "I"

All that is required of you is to give up the thought that you are this body and to give up all thoughts of external things, or the not-Self. As often as the mind goes out towards outward objects, prevent it and fix it in the Self or ‘I’. That is all the effort required on your part.

– Day by Day with Bhagavan

(Taken from The Maharshi, Jan Feb 2011)

Yesterday and today

There has been so much emotion overwhelming me. Yesterday i was so deeply plunged in it. In the afternoon, i suddenly realized i've been in thought all day. So i put in some effort to come to the present moment. And then i found myself effortlessly in the present. I walked back from the park, a thought would try to arise but could not. i sat all evening in presence.

I thought wow, even if i lose this, i can get back in a few minutes and be effortless all day. But that was not how it was to be. Today, i had no peace, i kept on enquiring, i was almost in tears while returning from the afternoon walk. totally dismayed. I was thinking of canceling going and feeding the pups. In any case, she's suddenly stopped eating the biscuits i take, so what's the point. I decided to go anyway.... and the previous post details the miracle of the 4th pup.

What notices the I-am coming and going, what notices silence, where does this silence or I-am spring from ? I am getting nowhere.

The miracle of the fourth pup, and the Mother of all creatures

Today i went in the evening to feed the pups. I almost did not feel like going. I saw the large white one there too. The one someone had taken. Obviously the person left him back. The Mother came around but was perhaps not recognizing him. She was not letting him feed and getting very angry with him.

Then a guard came with a packet of biscuits. He told me about what happened today. He said a car ran over  the big white one. it went over his neck. He lay unconscious for a long time. Then he got up. Some driver next door took him to a doctor and brought him back. I kept confirming that he meant the little dog and not the mother or something else. See, he said, he's totally okay. You cannot make out a car has run over him.

I told him if the car ran over the neck it would have gone over the shoulder too. He said yes. He kept telling me that who over is this dog's God, its His grace.

Yes, Mother of all creatures, it is certainly Your grace and love. Your protection. How I love You, Mother. You have totally bowled me over with your love for all creatures. O Mother, You brought me here, you created me, now you handle me too. Handle the burden of my life. How blessed I am to have known You.

Is this why all this creation came about ? To know you, O Mother ?

____

I kept telling them, your brother is back, rejoice, be happy. See Mother, your child has come, you were looking for him a week ago, you missed him so, now he has returned.
The big one is quite a bully, he was bullying the little white one who could not take it.

How ironic, i am unattached, i have kept out of family life, and here, You have plunged me into family, this is like my family.

Life

Life goes on slowly. The two pups are still there. My heart leaps with joy when i see him. Sometimes he's not there, then he suddenly comes running from somewhere.

Most of the time, i stay as the presence. Sometimes, i look to see who is perceiving this presence but nothing comes up. Who is holding onto the presence. When thoughts start coming, i look to see who sees them, where are they coming from or forming on.

Its been sunny for a few days, so i spend time sitting in the park before lunch. I walk an hour or more after lunch. I have a feeling all the old men think I am depressed that's why i sit quietly and walk a lot without chatting. The others who notice i look happy, definitely think i am off my rocker.

The mind is disappointed at times that there's nothing fantastic happening, no big bang. Its waiting for some event. I'd like the search to stop but now its not like there is anyone searching. Most of this just happening automatically.

Two pups

Today I went to feed them in the morning. The large brown one was gone. Just the small brown and the small white one left. I did not bother to ask the guards nearby, obviously someone's taken him. So now its just down to 2 pups. The small brown one just breaks my heart. The Mother seemed to be looking around for the larger brown one. The remaining two were following her around and getting lost. Finally, i located both tried to get them to stay and then left, looking back.

In the evening i went again. They were curled up with Mother. I fed her as she lay. They had eaten some rice someone had left. But after finishing, she got out and out they came too. She went running off somewhere. Now it was really tough for me to get them into their little place. I kept picking them up and placing them back, but they would clamber out. Maybe the mother does not want to feed them and after eating they want a breast feed. This went on. Finally the brown one settled down but i was shooing the white one back.

Finally, i came away with a heavy heart. Mother Earth, it is up to You. You will do the best for them, and for all living beings. Its tough for You. I held them against my face, not knowing whether i will see them again. Such innocent creatures, Mother, they know nothing of this world. What beautiful innocence. Where ever you send me, Mother, I will do my best to love your children, to serve them. Heal me of my selfishness so i may serve them better.

The 3 little pups

Today morning finally some sun had come out. The little pups were out enjoying the sun, all over the place, crossing the road trying to soak in the warmth. I took my camera (finally) and got pictures of the four little ones.

They were all over the road when i was returning, and its dangerous with all the traffic. All day long i was filled  with dread that more would be run over. At least the cold and lack of sun had kept them snuggled in, and off the road these last few days, even if that made me worry that they might not survive the cold. The sun has brought a huge worry for me.

Today evening i went a bit late, checking out the roads to see if anyone had been run over. they were snuggled in with Mother. It was too cold so she was not coming out, i fed her as she lay. Then i saw that one white one (the large white) was missing. I looked around a bit, asking them where he might be.

After looking around more, I asked the guards outside a house and they said someone has taken the white one. So i guess i am relieved. Hopefully, he gets a safe warm place and some food. However, often some slum dwellers take stray pups, tie them up all day and don't give them a good life. I just hope its not a tied up life. But at least he's safe from cars. The other white one will be next. Most likely the brown ones will stay. The smaller brown one who was vomiting a week back is the dearest one. He was nibbling his sleeping brothers ear when i left. I rebuked him as i left.

Whatever happens, the opportunity to love, that You have provided to me, O universe, was a great one. Its almost as though this small experience has been worth this long life. There has been something different in this love, from my own dogs whom i loved more than life itself. I don't know what it is. Is it that i have not loved anyone for almost 10 years (when Sheru passed away). Is it that i loved these pups as though they were my own children. Is it that I loved in a different way ?

Is it that all this has happened when there is so much else happening, this surrendering or whatever to Existence. Whatever be the truth behind it, it has been a most wonderful experience. Also, is this aspect that i love the mother, so love the children twice as much, She too is like a child to me. And the other side of the story that her previous litter perished in the rain last year. I felt like i was part of the motherhood and upbringing of these little ones.

The fifth pup

I had mentioned that the day the fifth pup vanished, i had seen a dead kitten on the roadside. I now have realized that my eyes had deceived me. That was the fifth pup. Today, i overheard a girl telling her mother as they got into their car that one of them had been run over.

Its freezing but they are holding up. It was 1 degree last night, i was afraid they would not survive but they did. my little ones. my lions.
It was so cold inside the house, i had to go for a walk. Another female in the park on whom some kind souls have put a coat, was walking around with the string tied hampering her. I got the string off, but then she managed to take off the coat. I could not get it back on alone, so i located the house that got her the coat, and left the coat on their stairs.

There's this whole drama of the illegal construction going on in the basement (everyone's been paid off), and my private world of animals and this love for them and for Mother Earth that is pressing away.

I am suddenly having these fantasies of leaving the house someday and living on the streets or outside some town, begging. I am too tired of this society where one is busy all one's life fighting to protect what you've earned. First fighting to get something, then fighting off everyone else.

The purpose of this universe was to feel love, for the heart to melt in love. When you feel the pain of others, when you feel it so much that you forget yourself, then it feels (to me) that this is why existence has come about.

I suppose in order to feel love and kindness, it was necessary to create the illusion of "I" (of an individual person). And that illusion is so strong and so well-designed, that shaking it off seems impossible. For it is the "I" that is trying to shake off the illusion. It is the "I" that searches for the "I" that creates the lie of a real and false I. That pretends it is not itself and must become itself.

You will deliver us from separation

 ये च कृष्णं प्रपद्यन्ते ते न मुह्यन्ति मानवाः । 

भये महति मग्नांश्च पाति नित्यं जनार्दनः ॥
                                   महाभारत भीष्मपर्व ६७.२४

Those who attain (surrender) to Bhagavan are never bewildering by Maya.

He always saves those sunk in the great fear. 

(Eng Skt)

Bhagavan with devotees (Annamalai Swamy sitting next to kettle)

Note to self: Those wishing to be delivered from the illusion, from the fear caused by separation from God, and the fear of rebirth will always be delivered by Bhagavan.

The four pups - and why this universe exists

The four pups are holding up in the extreme cold. Thank you Lord, and thank you Mother. A few days back one brown one was vomiting at night when i went to feed them. I thought he would not last. But he's making it. He's a smaller than the other brown one. The smallest. When I go there and call out "Bachchon" (children) they all immediately come out clambering over each other. What sweeties !
Today I got late in feeding them, they were all curled up with their Mother, and all looked up at me but refused to get out. Its really cold, the coldest week and temps are almost at freezing. Here i am amply clad, and over-eating while people and animals starve and shiver.

When i look at them, for me, this is why the Universe exists. The little ones will grow up and go different ways. They will forget me. I may not recognize them when i see them next, if i do. We may leave this area. Whether we do or don't, one day, the Mother will pass away. More likely when she grows old and diseased the officials will probably put her to sleep (like they did to her mother last year, i guess).

That is one very dear family for me, Mother. As are all of them. Their lives are in your hands. You exist for this, don't you, to give birth, to love and to be loved. What a wonderful thing this love is.

The Glory of the Universe

Thou art the Glory of the Universe. Thou art the Lord of the Universe. O thou whose protection extendeth through the whole Universe, O thou that hath the Universe for thy work, O thou that hath thy soul under control, Thou art the Supreme Master of the Universe.

Thou art Vasudeva. Therefore, I seek refuge in Thee that art the soul of Yoga and the highest Divinity. Victory to Thee that art the Supreme God of the Universe. Victory to Thee that art ever employed in the good of the worlds. Victory to Thee that art the Lord of Yoga.

Thee that art all-powerful. Victory to Thee that art prior, and subsequent to Yoga. Having the lotus springing from thy navel, and having large expansive eyes, victory to Thee that art Lord of Lords of the Universe. O Lord of the Past, the Present, and the Future, victory to Thee that art the embodiment of gentleness.

Thee that art the sun of suns. O thou that art the receptacle of untold attributes, victory to Thee that art the refuge of all things. Thou art Narayana, thou art incapable of being understood, victory to Thee that art the wielder of the bow called Saranga. Victory to Thee that art endued with every attribute, O thou that hast the Universe for thy form.

(Bhishma Parva)

Mother Earth

O Mother Earth

Over the last one year, I have fallen hopelessly in love with you. There is too much emotion and love inside that feels like it is about to burst any moment. I don't know if this is a mind game to keep me identified. For the moment, I can only remain in awareness. If it is true, and it is from the Self, it will remain and grow.

If it is false, it will perish with the false, and perhaps a greater truer selfless love will come with the Self.

If you are true, accept me, accept this false self that is struggling, that is struggling against you and your children.

Stay as the awareness itself

Stay as the awareness itself.

Don't attach to the "I".

Don't identify with what arises.

body identification still there

There is still body identification, a fear of what will happen in some situations. Tollé says: put your attention on the body and body identification will go (or reduce).
The false self has weakened (but only in mental ways, body identification is still there). Who wants the false self to go away ? Who is waiting ? who is noticing that the ego is still there and creeping back in when there is no attention ? I keep drawing a nil on these. Seems these are all momentary sensations or arisings in something. And that something, is that also momentary arising ?

What is it that pays attention to the I-am? What is it that remains in silence ? What notices the movements and changes ?

I am spending as much time as possible trying to either be in the I-am, or noticing the movements and arisings, and trying to see what is seeing these. And trying to see what is spending this time doing this.

EDIT: What is it that is afraid ? And who or what is taking this fear seriously and identifying with it ? What is it that wants to be free of it ?

The 5 pups

Everyday i go to feed the little ones with a feelign of dread. There's this fear since they are running across the road now and there are cars driving by very fast. Every day i go and find four of the five, but then i see the fifth one on the other side of the road running about.

Today there were only four. And the fifth one, the white one was not to be found. Strangely and coincidentally, there was a dead kitten on the other side of the road, run over. I confirmed it was a kitten and not the white pup. Usually it is the white and fair puppies that get taken by people who want a stray pup. Its the dark or black ones that get left behind.

The white one is the same one who had strolled in front of a car asking me for directions and I had picked him up and brought him back to the litter. So now we are down to 4 pups. There are 2 more white ones with brown spots on them so i expect them to be taken soon. 2 completely brown ones, I expect they will remain.

One soul born as two

That Narayana is Krishna, and that Nara is Falguna (Arjuna).
Indeed, they are one Soul born in twain.


 एष नारायणः कृष्णः फाल्गुनश्च नरः स्मृतः ।
 नारायणो नरश्चैव सत्त्वमेकं द्विधा कृतम् ॥
         महाभारत उद्योगपर्व ४९.२०