How things are

I had no idea this blog even existed. It has been so many years.

My spiritual search has not really progressed since the last post.

After the last post, my parent's health deteriorated. Dementia took one by 2015. My mother is still alive, but bedridden since 2016.

I am taking care of her. It is difficult to imagine how the world will be without her. It is difficult to imagine how I would be alive here in a world where she doesn't exist. It is difficult to imagine not existing. How can anyone just stop existing ?

This is the final test for me in this physical body. I don't know what you have in store for me, O Father. But I must remember at that time, that you will be there with me.

For when you take my mother from me, my most precious and beloved, you must give me something in return. And the only thing that can compensate for this loss is you.

Of course, you have given me so much already. My mother, and my little ones are the greatest gift I can think of. And my love for you. You, too, are among the greatest gifts.

But never let my faith in you weaken for a moment. I know there are still many tests for me. I will lose my mother, and then one by one my little ones. Then I will have nothing here. But let me not lose you.

I have lived the last few years in fear, fear that any day could be the last for my mother. I have also lived in the pain that she suffers so much, with never a moment of joy or even acceptance of how things are. I have prayed every night for her to have some joy in this life, some joy that I could also remember her by in the later years. As things stand, I (will) have only memories of her struggling against everything and everyone.

On one hand I sit next to her, so happy to have her, so blessed to have her as my mother, so grateful, and on the other hand there is she, so unhappy, no joy in having me as her son, or that I am by her side, only some old distant memories plaguing her.

I also can not understand or believe how You have not touched her in any way. How could I have so much of your grace, and she none at all.

Will you be there for her, when she leaves this world ? Will you comfort her, and make everything okay. No more births, dear Lord, she has suffered enough.

And no more births for me, either. A world which you left seventy years ago is a graveyard for me.

So long. Hope to come back here soon.

Without You

I am desolate without you, little one. Life has lost its meaning totally.

Lord, where is my dear one, what is the meaning of this, or am I not supposed to know. If such has to happen then why not clearly show me that this is a dream. Why not take away this false notion of identity forever so I may serve thee.

Anyone in my place may have buckled over, and become a confirmed atheist, but I know consciousness. There is no going back to ignorance and darkness and loneliness after being conscious.

--
 rahul

The search continues ...

But you are nowhere to be found.

I know you will keep taking up form, to be close to me, as long as I am in this body.

Your loss has changed me, I fear forever. Never will I be the happy carefree person I was. I used to think I was the happiest person in the  world, and I still think I was. Even when I smile at someone there will always be the shadow of your loss. I know your sister is still with me, but whenever she is with me, or I look at her, or think of her, I look with worry. If you could be taken away, then what about her. I worry now for her, too. Even more so since someone hit her on the eye the other day and she's been unable to open it (it is slightly better though). 

The world will never be the same again. I am done with this world. 

Just think of the suffering that millions have endured, losing their loved ones in accidents, needless wars, disease, etc. It is amazing that people don't struggle to liberate themselves even after so much suffering. It is amazing that everyone puts up with these horrors year after year, and just keep going on.

Beloved one, I promise you that i shall try to remain centered, in the present moment, in awareness at all times. There is nothing worthwhile to think about really, other than to remember you -- to just be silent.

Tonight, I was just walking with your family, your sister was walking in front of me in an alley, for a moment I thought it was you, she looked just like you. Today I was reminded of the story of an old lady devotee of Krishna who had one cow she loved. He took away that beloved cow from her, so she could completely focus on Him and reach him. The cow was the only hurdle to her liberation.

Nowhere to be found

I've been searching for you all over for 3 weeks now. I've checked all the places, markets, parks and residential areas within several miles of here. I've checked wherever I could. 

But you are nowhere to be found, my little one. I think of you all the time. What did you do to deserve this, dear one? All the joy has been sucked out of me with your loss. You have to be somewhere. Now I don't even know where to look for you.

Lord, help me. Take me to her, or bring her back. Please give me a clue. I am broken. I just cannot believe that I may never see you again, or that you might be dead. My little baby. Where are you?

My love for you

Beloved little one,

If my love for you were on one side, and the whole universe on the other, my love would still outweigh the universe.

Such is my love for you both little ones. I am shattered by your loss, my whole world has collapsed, i don't know if i can ever be the same. 

I will likely spend my life wondering what happened on that night of Diwali. Which way did you run? Where did you go? Where did you reach? How did your life go?

You will remember, beloved, how I used to ask you where you were before you were born. When you were 3 months old, i used to ask you where you were four months back. Have you gone back to where you were before you took this body? Or are you walking around. Are you afraid to return since you associate this place with firecrackers.

Every Diwali i will be reminded of you, beloved. I will never forget that it was Diwali that separated us. Forever.

In all this, everything has got shaken off. The only other thing, other than think of you, is -- what is conscious of all this. Everything else is now meaningless, like a silly joke. Never, never did I love anything as much as I love you.

Searching for you, my little one ...

Where are you, beloved one ?

Today I searched R-block, Pamposh and those areas. There's a large park when going down the road from R-block towards Hansraj Gupta that leads to EOK.

Yesterday, I searched the backside nullah, end to end, and i think you might have fallen in there and climbed out of either end. I am putting more details on all this on http://my-lost-dog.blogspot.in/.

Father, Mother, why are you silent ? Where is my beloved little one ? Is she even alive ? How could this happen to her? How could you let this happen? 

Where are you, my child ?

Beloved Mother,

Where is my beloved Gabbar ? 

Are you looking after her? Do you know how much I love her, and long to see her and touch her? Is she hungry? Is she cold, is she frightened, is she hurt? Is she even alive, or did someone run her down without a thought?

Do you think, Father and Mother, that I will live this life without the two of them, without ever knowing what happened to my beloved little one? It's almost 10 days.

Will you not lead her back, Mother, or lead me to her ?