I had no idea this blog even existed. It has been so many years.
My spiritual search has not really progressed since the last post.
After the last post, my parent's health deteriorated. Dementia took one by 2015. My mother is still alive, but bedridden since 2016.
I am taking care of her. It is difficult to imagine how the world will be without her. It is difficult to imagine how I would be alive here in a world where she doesn't exist. It is difficult to imagine not existing. How can anyone just stop existing ?
This is the final test for me in this physical body. I don't know what you have in store for me, O Father. But I must remember at that time, that you will be there with me.
For when you take my mother from me, my most precious and beloved, you must give me something in return. And the only thing that can compensate for this loss is you.
Of course, you have given me so much already. My mother, and my little ones are the greatest gift I can think of. And my love for you. You, too, are among the greatest gifts.
But never let my faith in you weaken for a moment. I know there are still many tests for me. I will lose my mother, and then one by one my little ones. Then I will have nothing here. But let me not lose you.
I have lived the last few years in fear, fear that any day could be the last for my mother. I have also lived in the pain that she suffers so much, with never a moment of joy or even acceptance of how things are. I have prayed every night for her to have some joy in this life, some joy that I could also remember her by in the later years. As things stand, I (will) have only memories of her struggling against everything and everyone.
On one hand I sit next to her, so happy to have her, so blessed to have her as my mother, so grateful, and on the other hand there is she, so unhappy, no joy in having me as her son, or that I am by her side, only some old distant memories plaguing her.
I also can not understand or believe how You have not touched her in any way. How could I have so much of your grace, and she none at all.
Will you be there for her, when she leaves this world ? Will you comfort her, and make everything okay. No more births, dear Lord, she has suffered enough.
And no more births for me, either. A world which you left seventy years ago is a graveyard for me.
So long. Hope to come back here soon.
