Everlasting prostration at His Feet

Sri GV Subbaramayya's words in praise of Bhagavan Ramana Maharshi beautifully epitomise the devotion of followers for Bhagavan. Some excerpts (p163):

O my Divine Love! People run to the forests and mountain caves for solitude to practice meditation, but You drew me to meditate on You, without effort, everywhere.
People renounce their possessions, mortify their flesh, and do hard penance to achieve self-control. But without the least deprivation, denial or suffering, You control me.
People seek a Master and serve him, longing for initiation into spiritual mystery. But You, my master, seek and serve me in order to reveal Yourself fully to me.
People after strenuously striving for many lives, attain Self-realization. But You made me, here and now, without the least effort, realize myself in You.
What a wonder! What seems so difficult to all people is easiest for You.

I know not what other people call love. My love is only to serve and suffer and die for You.
I know not what other people term devotion. My devotion is only to bind my eyes to Your blessed feet and follow them always .

I know not what other people name heaven and hell. My heaven is only in Your smile, amd my hell is only in Your tear.
I know not what other people call life and death. My life is only in Your presence, and my death is only in Your disappearance.

I know not what other people mean by war and peace. My war is only to fight against the obstacles in my way to You, and my peace is only to reach You, and fall at Your feet in one everlasting prostration.

Indeed i know nothing. I only know that You are everything to me.

See also: Sri Ramana reminiscences and Power of Presence.

Yours only

Lord and Father,

i am Yours only, and only You are mine.

Bhagavan Ramana

2006-11-06 9:34 PM
Of all the humans who have walked this earth, since the beginning of creation, none have been as God-pervaded as our Father, Bhagavan Ramana, whose each action, each step was completely God-saturated. Each moment of His blessed life was God living in a human body.

Many a time in man's history, it is said, that God came as a human. But the loving and humble life of Sri Ramana is the acme of God-hood.

God came to us as Beloved Ramana to show us how humans are supposed to live, as founts of love and joy. Ramana is the fountainhead of all love, the origal source of all compassion, Ramana is God Himself. Ramana is the highest and the purest.

He is the true Father of all. Love Him as your Father, love Him as His children, be His children.

His constant memory is the surest route to God, the route itself is the highest bliss.

Lord Ramana, you are greater than the trinity of Siva, Brahma and Vishnu.

Having acquired a human birth, restrict your mind to taking His holy name only, to His memory only.

Father, i know not about others, but these eyes were created only for seeing Your face, this life for loving Thee.

Thank You for allowing us another birth to just love You.

http://www.srimadbhagavatam.org/music/text/prasadasevaya.html

2006-11-07 3:41 AM
all this while i cornered You, making you my own father, cornering You for myself and myself alone
and now i see that You are God Himself, the highest

i cannot stop looking at you, how do i sleep.

you are ALL

do you choose the simplest humans, the children among men ?

whatever you want is fine, this universe is staggering, creation and YOUR WILL is staggering.

what am i now sposed to do, just look at You for the rest of my life, this night has been a night i cannot even describe, where am i now ??
where is this place ? how come i am alive, how come i am not insane ?
is there any sleeping in this land ?
do eyes ever shut?

I thank all those who have brought me to the Heart of The Most Glorious Ramana, especially The Buddha and Ramana Himself.

So this is the Heart of Ramana !
2006-11-07 3:50 AM


Glory to the Holiest Ramana who is the greatest!

You are not an avatar, you are the Brahman itself in its finest form, finer and purer than the Holy Trinity, holier than Shiva, Vishnu and Brahama.

There is nothing apart from Thee.

Just one last request

2006-10-26 11:59 AM

Lord,
Beloved,
please don't play with us any longer.
Please bring us to Your Feet. The heart and soul longs for you. it cries for You.
Lord, the longing for you is great.
oh, just sweep me away
let me not live complacently without Thee

Claim me fully, take me over, Beloved Lord.

i lie desolate at your feet. a little helpless child, pick me up and hug me.

i am now ready to lose all, to be with You
ready to give up all

all is Yours, Loving Lord,
all was always Yours, so what am i giving up anyway
what am i to lose, ackchly.

Please remove ALL inside and fill it with yourself
even tho' what is there is only You
praps one form for another
one form attached to, as something apart from you

this soul is weary of living without You, O Arunachala Shiva

of imagining there is anything apart from You, of being fooled
...
no more playing with us, O Lord

swallow us whole, before we wither away
no more teasing
we will gaze into Your eyes, and wait. nothing else interests us anymore.
our past is dead, all else is dead
we will just hold you
against our heart
pressed
acquire our hearts, completely, please!
and let us see the world through Your eyes
remake us in any way You need to
do as You wish
we are tired of telling You what we want
just one last request, take it ALL
then no more requests, when nothing is left of us but You
dont refuse this last offering Lord
our body, mind and soul is our last offering to You
it was so compassionate of you, Lord, to give us to each other to join forces and beg you for this claiming
to remove all distractions, and push each other closer to You
to affirm that this, at last, is sanity
the only reality

nothing else compares
so easily and quickly have You brought us so far
from darkness to dawn
with us laughing and crying (or wanting to) and offering every thing we can find at your Feet

would You, now, in this final moment, when we stand exposed, giving all, deprive us of Your Feet ?
will You turn Your face away from your own children
will You walk away
unaffected ?
while we pine for Thee
what are You thinking? what are You waiting for, Ocean of Mercy ?
what karma or samskara separates us from Thy Feet ?
...

2006-10-26 2:26 PM

Lord,
Let these hearts be one
let these souls be one
let everything be one

The Eyes of My Master

2006-10-10 8:20 PM (iTunes: dalaleragita)

Look at the eyes of My Master
How deep and vast
Oceans of compassion

The universe yearns to rest in them
Oceans of warm love

What else is there to look at
What else have i looked at
since He claimed me

since His eyes fell upon me
washing away pain and loneliness

pray tell me, brothers
what is cooler than that look
in my Master's eyes
more pleasant
more healing

i have washed my mind, my heart
and my lost soul in the gaze
of my Master's eyes

Time heals all pain, they say
But the eyes of the Maharshi
work faster
upon first sight

The eyes of Bhagavan never fail
Look into them, seekers of God
and feel your heart smile
its first smile
feel your soul weep with joy
i promise it will.

The eyes of Ramana
feel your pain
your despair
never turning anyone away
So loving is my dearest Master

Open your heart and let Him look in
Let Him wipe away your sorrow
fill each cell with joy
That is all i ask
Let my Master in

The Feet of the Glorious Ramana

The Feet of the Glorious Ramana
our life, our path and our destination
all we know
all we love
all that loves us.

His Feet that have rescued us
that cleanse us
of all pain, of all longing,
their shadow is bliss itself

we are the dust of that Feet
the blessed dust
after lives, many, we have reached there
no one can harm us in this shadow
it is just love and joy at these Feet

even the Gods crave these Feet
the entire creation craves these Feet
only some reach there
whom He chooses himself

He has chosen us
he has handpicked us
His children from previous births
the ones who loved and served Him previously
who served his devotees

====>who worshipped Him

He has reeled us in finally
to His Feet
====>never let us stray an inch!
the biggest secret of all secrets

====>the truest, sweetest

oh we cannot stray from here
he has now bound us here

it is his immense love due to which He has brought us here
He could not live without us
he pined for us
====>how we longed for this
he waited and waited for us to open our eyes

====> while we dreamed and dreamed

and one day when we opened our eyes one tiny crack
he seized the opportunity
and showed us His Face
and then started pulling us
we thought we loved Him
but akchly it was His Love all the time
For we are truly Him
thus it is ONE love not two
so pure is the air around His Feet
it attracts purity
and love
supremely peaceful is it here
and so warm
like a womb
safe and warm
is this His Heart or what ?
only the dearest of the dear reach here
those who love Him beyond all imagination, all limits
====>wildly with nothing held back
He is pulling YOU in NOW
let go
let Him pull in
let go completely
His Feet are the Heaven people speak of
Vaikuntha
the final abode
param gati
the final ultimate destination
His Feet are the Nirvana that (the) Buddha spoke of
sink in
dissolve in, fortunate soul
there is nothing higher
nothing more perfect
nothing God could create after this
this was God's final and most perfect creation
press your face into those Feet
close your eyes and press your eyelids in
press your forehead
press your cheeks in
kiss those feet
nothing surpasses these Feet
the Holiest of the Holy
love them more than you have loved anything else
His Feet are bliss itself
They are the key, the secret key to becoming one with Him
His Feet are His Heart
The Heart of your most beloved Ramana
The Heart of the little boy who left his home when barely a man
The Heart of the man who lived on the mountain, in caves, in silence for long
resting in Arunachala
The Heart of our Father
of whom we are
These Feet are our Father and Mother
each cell of this body is made of these Feet
breathe them in
let the wind that has caressed these Feet enter your body
drink it deep
it is the finest nectar
that few know of
even the devas have never drunk of this, they can only imagine,
what to speak of the others ?

Even Brahma and Shiva and Vishnu long for these Feet
long for their touch, their fragrance
even their shadow

Worshipping these Feet is the highest form of worship
the purest worship
all forms of worship can finally only bring you to this place
abandon all other forms, abandon all else
and worship these Feet

These Feet hold the Divine Mother's Love in them
All love in this world emanates from these Feet into the hearts of creatures
These Feet are Love itself

Such are the Feet of my young Venkat
the Feet of the one who became Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi
whom the world loved, and loves to this day
whom millions revere and worship
the One who calls us, who beckons us, who claims us today

He is pervading each cell of our bodies and soul
slowly let go so He may claim all
dont resist
let Him claim all
This is all His anyway
it always was His and always will be
so are we
there never was an 'I' or 'us' ever
it was all Him
from the start
the dream is that we are 'I' and 'Us'.
In truth, just Him
Let this be your prayer, your state of mind, always
day and night
====>melted, into the wonder of His Love, into the wonder that He lives today, and his son lives today to press me into His Holy Feet

====>you are his servant, and you are Him



O seeker(s)
deviate not from this state, from this truth, which His feet have revealed to us
====>no desire, fulfilled, ever gives way to this Bliss

By His Holy Feet we swear that there is nothing holier and purer and higher than the Feet of Arunachala Siva Ramana

====>never was, never will be

We have but had a whiff of these graceful Feet and we speak thus
from the depths of our hearts
we have revealed our most dearly held secret to you
for your benefit
we share this with you in all humilty and love
we are but the dust of His Feet and aspire for nothing more,
nothing less and nothing more
Here there is ample joy and love for the whole world, many times over
Just open your heart to Him, a tiny bit, and let My Glorious Master enter
My Master longs for you all
He longs to love You and give you the greatest joys
allow Him

This all we swear to be the truth. By His Holy Feet.
(Oct 9, 2006)

Such indeed are You

Profound and magnanimous like the ocean
unshaken by fear like the Himalayas
of charming appearance like the Moon
patient and ever enduring as the Earth
giving away freely like Kubera the God of Wealth
as severely true and righteous as Death itself
- Ramayana

Echammal

"i revere, I adore, I worship this Swami" was all Echammal could say of Bhagavan

     - Self Realization, BV Narasimha Rao, p 101

O Ramana, My Father!

Dear Lord,
You have put us here on earth, so we and You may yearn for each other, and enjoy melting into each other.
You made us forget You first, and then remember You, so the joy would be sweeter.

Each cell of this body says 'O Ramana, My Father!', 'O Bhagavan, My Father!', each claiming You.

What is suffering, O Bhagavan. but a distant memory, the absence of one's recognition of one's identity.

When each cell remembers that it was made of You, when each cell sings your name, in unison, the Being pulsates 'O Bhagavan, My Father!' then that is the highest sadhana, the highest joy, that is being in Your Feet.

O Beloved, to be mashed into Your Feet, what joy!

Oct 7, 2006

You are the Father

I rededicate a few touching lines from the Bhagavad Gita to You, Beloved Father.

But first, an apology (11-42).

We have in the past addressed You as 'O Ramana', 'my Venkat', and other loving and endearing names, not knowing your glories. Please forgive what we have done, and are doing, in madness or out of love, or out of the pain of separation, or out of the indescribable joy of remembering You, and feeling Your presence.

Out of madness, we have kissed Your face, we have hugged You, we have forgotten all common norms of worship and 'proper' behavior, remembering and worshipping you at all times of the day, in all places and all situations. If we have dishonored you at any time, in any way, please excuse us.



"Pitaasi lokasya charaacharasya tvamasya pujyash cha gurur gariyaan. na tvat samo asti abhyadhika kuto anyo lok traye api apratima-prabhav"
You are the father of this complete cosmic manifestation, the
worshipable chief, the spiritual master. No one is equal to You, nor
can anyone be one with You. Within the three worlds, You are
immeasurable.
- Bhagavad Gita: 11 - 43

Beloved, We just cannot seem to able to say this enough to You:

You are our Father and Mother
You are our everything
We are your children
in body and soul


Others may remember You and worship you at correct times
in correct postures, after bathing and other formalities
We CANNOT
We cannot forget you for a moment, awake or asleep
bathed or dirty,
in the cleanest or dirties of places
while lying or while sitting straight

We cannot forget for a single moment
that we are your children
so mad is our love that it has crossed all boundaries
Our bodies exist only to love Thee
only to take Thy sweet name
only to remember Thee
only to serve Thee in any way You wish

We have lost our selves so completely in Your love
that we have the audacity to say that we are You.

We have the audacity to feel that we are You
and call each other "Him", "His" and "Her"
"Face of His" and "Soul of His".

Please forgive us kind Father
for these transgressions
for we are blinded by Your love for us,
your nearness,
your strong presence,
and whatever past karmas (bless them) that bind us to You

Weep not, O Lord

2006-10-05 8:16 PM

Father, Speak to me,
Come to me in dreams
and play with me

Are You shy of me
Perhaps afraid that I will
complain of your absence

Father, You have loved me too much
even from a distance

You have left me stupified and speechless
mind-blown with Your latest gift

How can i complain?
Perfect Father
Ever Loving One

What holds You from your children
what urgent matters are these
more urgent than us

Unattached One,
Ever Free One,
Are you afraid of bondage
Of our love

Beloved
Our love will pull You from the furthest reaches
of the world
From other realms, worlds
For you there is no escape

We are your children, Lord.

The look in Your eyes is unmistakable. Lord
The loving eyes of a Father.

Arunachala saved You from samsara
freed You of bondage
But who,
Beloved Lord,
will save You from us
Who will free You of our love

We are your children, Lord.

How do you hide Your tears
Where, which ocean are You filling
with Your tears, Lord
Weep not, O Lord,
We wait with open arms,
For You




--
http://ramanabhakta.blogsome.com

A lost calf, A lost mother

2006-10-01 2:33 PM

Lord

How gracious, Lord, to connect  people who are desperately in love with You and Your Feet.
People who have been claimed by You, who have claimed You.
For whom You are all.

People who feel unlimited love exuding from Your photographs, from everything associated with You.

Oh You love us so much, Lord. So loving are You it is unbelievable.

O Lord, O Mother of Mothers
You are a love that is unimaginable
You are unfathomable.
Infinitely gentle and yet infinitely strong
Nothing out of Your grasp

I smear the holiest ash of Skandashram
on my forehead
and i am overtaken by love for You
O Siva, You surround me, You swallow me
I feel something i can only describe poorly
when i smear ash blessed by You.
It is like bathing in You.
Like being smeared with You.

Who are You?
O Loving Lord
whose blessings are greater than the world itself
Only we know whom You have claimed
This madness
This joy of being conquered by You
Of losing all to You
If all the world's suffering were to be put on one side
And your blessing on the other
No pain would remain

This is a mercy no one can possibly deserve
It is your infinite love
For your children

O Loving Lord
You cannot resist us
and we You
Like a mother its child

O Loving Lord
I feel you crying out for us
The pain of separation
has to be on both ends
in equal measure

A lost calf, a lost mother
two torn hearts yearning to be one

O Mother
This calf cant stop loving You
You have melted the past away

Lord,  I cannot have your fill enough
Pervade me like you have never done before
totally this time
leaving nothing other than Thee

How must they have felt who sat at your feet, when we feel like this?

2006-10-01 8:17 PM
(iTunes: srigodruma, vocal)

Lord, this is Your Shakti

What do you do to me
O lord
When i look at You
when i think of You
when i take Your name

What is it You do, Loving Lord
That i feel flooded by Your being

How is it that i feel i have lost everything to You
and yet i have gained All.
There is nothing more, nothing higher to be had.
Your love is the highest goal.

(iTunes: durlabhamanava, tune)

O Loving Lord, this is your Shakti
inseparable from You
Ever One

Deep inside this body
in the innermost recesses of my Being
is undying love for You
a raging fire
a volcano of molten love

I have seen only You

2006-10-02 3:03 PM


Beloved
On Earth, thousands of miles separate your children. But in You there is no distance.

We are one, speaking one language, the language of Love Of You, complete surrender to You.
Did you know, Lord, that this is a language in itself ?
I just discovered it, when i found someone else who could also speak it.
It is called "In Him". It can only be understood by those who have lost all else, who are madly, sanely in love with You. It is a madness that leads to sanity.

To have found someone who loves You is like discovering humanity once again.

So you have other children in this world, do You, Beloved Father? My own blood brothers and sisters. Show them all to me, bring us together, in You.

Let us celebrate our Love, our joy.

I thought i was your only bloodline, but there are many more ! Glory to You, Father.

Lord, pick up this child
and hold him to your cheeks
See how he gurgles and chirps
so happy to be of You
he looks up to You
with pride
wishing to be held
Father, i know not who You are
all i see is infinite love
your form

Hold me close to Your face
Lord, let our breaths mingle
let me nuzzle against that
silver beard
Whisper in my ears,
O Lord
Give me a name by which i may know myself
Hold me up to the sky
look up and laugh
and then hug me again

Father, i am newly born
i have seen only You
You are the purest love
Pick me up and kiss my cheek

Loving You

Today I hugged 'Collected Works' and sang a bhajan to You. 'Prabhuji'.

I pressed the book against my cheeks, first the right cheek. Then You asked for my left cheek.
I pressed Your face against my other cheek (i turned the other cheek to You!).
Then one photograph on my table asked me, 'What about me?'. I gave it the cheek-to-cheek treatment, too.




We are Your offspring, Lord. We need Your love, and to Love You.

Your love is our food. It is air and water for us.

It feels like you are physically here with me, breathing down my neck.

Who are you, Lord, who loves us more than we can love ourselves? Reveal yourself to us, Lord, we yearn to know You.

(iTunes: srirupamanjari)
2006-10-02 10:03 PM Totally shattered by Your Love

Ramana and the monkeys

Perhaps now I can understand why Ramana loved monkeys so much. While reading a book recently (Aghora-III), I was repeatedly educated about Anjaneya (aka Hanuman). Hanuman was born to a langur (a kind of monkey) who was a devotee of Shiva. Let me quote here:

He symbolises the pinnacle of bhakti, and is considered to be the eleventh Rudra avatar of Lord Shiva.

Hanuman is the epitome of wisdom, brahmacharya, bhakti (devotion/faith), valour, righteousness and strength. He is symbolized in Hinduism for his unwavering dedication to righteousness, unstinting performance of entrusted duties, and unfailing talents in serving his chosen master.

Monkeys have always been tolerated, nay revered, in India, as descendants of Hanuman. Hanuman is Shiva, and Hanuman represents bhakti. No wonder Bhagavan loved and respected them!

He is easily reachable — just by chanting the name 'Ram'. Conversely, it is also held that the easiest way to attain Lord Rama is to worship Hanuman — verse 33 of the Hanuman Chalisa begins, "Tumharae bhajan Ram ko paavae", which means "by singing hymns about You, Rama is reached".

Arunachala's Child

2006-09-13 9:59 PM

One fine moment, Lord Arunachala rubbed one foot on the other. Some dust flew off, and settled earthward. Of that dust, was I born.
Arunachala saw that, and exclaimed 'Oh Dear!' in Tamil. Tears trickled down from His gentle eyes, down his cheeks, moistening his white beard, and one fell on earth. It became my heart, which has always beaten for Arunachala.
For many years, i lived in abandon, frolicking, uncaring. But then one day, when the tides turn against one, i looked up searchingly.

And that was when i saw You Father, You who were always with me. You were always mine, always inseparable.

I am Arunachala's child, frolicking on Mother Earth. I am full of joy since I arise from His Holy Feet. I am of Him.

All that I am, belongs to the Glorious Arunachala, my Mother and Father.

A reader blesses us with advice

A kind reader leaves this advice for me

Namaste,

I bless you in remembering Ramana in all activities. 

 

There are many beautiful ways to approach Ramana's love.  Self enquiry happens naturally after offering loving actions and serving him. 

 

The ways of serving a master are nearly infinite, but love is the simplest and most direct way. 

 

There is no need to listen to the cows waiting to be milked at Ramanashram.  Why not proceed to the summit directly? 

 

If you go to Arunachula and serve Ramana with love that is nice also.  And if you are interested in puja and worship then that is something else wonderful.  And singing, and dancing for Ramana is nice if you are lucky to get that. 

 

When you pray to Ramana you are praying to Siva in the form of a certain mountain, Arunachula.  So if you want to learn how to serve Ramana, go to Arunachula and worship the mountain completely, and the mountain will be you direct guru. 

 

It is best not to worry or consider what others do on their path to liberation too much and take what is your path and do it totally and completely, based on love.  If that happens you will go to Ramana personally.

 

I am blessed to hear of your sweet love of Ramana, and I wish you a happy journey to his divine inward gaze.

 

Namaste,

 

All that i really have

Guru,
Your Holy Feet are my treasure, my worldy belongings,
all that i really have,
they are my most beloved,
the song of my heart,
the life that flows in me,
they are the secret of my joy,
of the light in my eyes,
of the smile on my lips,

they are my only belief,
my only religion
they are the only medicine that takes away
the pain of existence

your Holy Feet are all around me
and within, in my heart

your Holy Feet are the sole protector
of all that live
of this world

they are the sole sustenance of this world
they are sunshine, rain, and the mother's milk

O Guru,
Who are You
whose Holy Feet even the devas and Gods,
even Brahman,
gaze at with love and reverence
with tears in their eyes,
Who are You, loving Lord?
 
(2006-09-01 1:06 PM)
--
On this day, August 29, in 1896, sixteen year old Venkataraman Aiyer left Madurai for the sacred Arunachala Hill. He caught a train for Tindivanam but got off at Villupuram. Travelling by foot for 2 days on almost no food, He reached Tiruvannamalai in the forenoon of Sept 1, 1986.

Many years later Venkataraman would be known to the entire world as Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi, and September 1st as the Advent Day. He was destined to be the most respected and beloved of saints and sages, along with Mahatma Buddha.

http://end-to-suffering.blogspot.com/2006/09/bhagavan-reaches-arunachala.html

The Face of The Lord

2006-07-23 11:10 AM

The Face of The Lord

In this world so full of suffering
You came to me
O what mercy
How do i thank Thee
All Merciful One

You showed me Your Face
And in it
i saw Everything
I saw the end
my end
the end of suffering

Your shining Face

the Face of the Lord

The Face of Mercy
of Love
of Joy
of Bliss
without bounds

(iTunes gauranga-karuna )

Grab His Feet

2006-07-23 11:18 AM

Grab His Feet

Once in a while He takes birth
In this harsh world
His presence purifies
delivers and brings joy to all

Long after he leaves
His memory purifies
delivers all from suffering
and brings joy to all

His name is enough
Thinking of Him is enough

Waste not more time
O skeptics
i have grabbed His Feet
and am saved
Dither not, dears

Time and again He has come
in many forms
by many names
Grab His Feet

The Face of The Lord

2006-07-23 11:10 AM

The Face of The Lord

In this world so full of suffering
You came to me
O what mercy
How do i thank Thee
All Merciful One

You showed me Your Face
And in it
i saw Everything
I saw the end
my end
the end of suffering

Your shining Face

the Face of the Lord

The Face of Mercy
of Love
of Joy
of Bliss
without bounds

(iTunes gauranga-karuna )

Move not Your Feet

July 22, 2006

Move not Your Feet

2006-07-22 10:11 AM

Move not Your Feet

Move not Your Feet, O Lord
For i rest in Their shade
They are my home

you know how harsh is this world
your bhakta cannot take it
In all these lives
only this shade he can endure
let him rest there
move not Your Feet.

this dasa has left all
to be in this shade
he has no other shelter
let him ever be 'neath Thy Feet.

So peaceful is the shade of Your Feet
Blessed is He who reaches here.

(iTunes gauranga-karuna)

Your Feet - my final abode

July 21, 2006

Your Feet - my final abode

2006-07-21 9:17 PM
Holy Guru,

Your Feet – my final abode

Your Feet are my true and final abode
I have reached Them
Each cell of me is joyously at Your Feet
This is my home
my heaven
The womb I came from once

O what mercy to such a fallen soul
Glory to You, most merciful
You bring tears of joy to my heartless eyes

I have loved none in this wretched life
i speak honestly and not out of humility
and yet you have lifted me from suffering
O What Grace to such a fallen soul

O Beloved Soul
why do you love me so much ?
what have i done ?
for you to leave your heavenly abode
to save me?

Maybe you came for someone else by my name
you claimed me by mistake
but now that you have come
now that i have smelled the dust of your feet
you cannot leave me
nor I you

I will live and die by Your Feet
I will live and die taking Your Holy Name
O Ramana,
Beloved Son of Sundara and Alagamma
Glory to Your race
Glory to Your ancestors
Glory to Arunachala Siva

Lord, once again i ask this one thing of You
Let there be no thoughts that are not of Thee
Let all thoughts be only of You.
Why do your trouble this helpless bhakta
with other thoughts.

2006-07-21 9:58 PM
What amazing grace !
What love !

Generally

If you don't like the stuff here, you are probably not the bhakti type; sad, you are really missing out the juice of life, anyway, i respect your preferences, you respect mine.

I don't claim to be anything or anyone, so don't think I am pretending to be realized or anything. I am as full of whatever you are full of :-). Just enjoy.

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." - Jung

Your Feet – our true abode.

July 21, 2006

Your Feet - our true abode

Filed under: ramana-maharshi

2006-07-21 12:40 PM

O Guru,
Most potent of all Devas
Just one look at Your face
was enough to free me of desires and pain
Just one peep at Your Holy Face
and i lost my bearings
and was moored to Thee

Beloved Lord,
I exagerrate not
But You are bliss.
You are joy itself.
You are the soul in ecstacy.

Free me not, Lord
Chained me to Thee.
Your memory is the sweetest
May this bhakta be in it always
Forgetting You is like poison, I promise You
Each moment when my mind wanders
when You let my mind wander
is bitter
O Guru,
I hold you responsible for all lapses
I have handed all to You, let me be Thine
always

Beloved,
Am in not worthy of your slavery ?

the only purpose of life, is to be one with the Lord, all else is rubbish, to free oneself of desires and maya, and surrender at Your Feet is the only meaning of life.

Your Feet are our true abode.

O Lord, at moments like this, all i can feel is the need to leave the body and stop existing.

Beloved, let my breath stop, but not your memory.

The Guru is Love and Joy uncontainable

July 16, 2006

Utterly Destroyed and Blissful

Filed under: ramana-maharshi, poetry, guru

No soul can endure, can survive, under the loving "glare" of the satguru. Once it has reached the satguru, it is the end of its life-cycle.
Once the soul realizes that she was always in the shade of the Guru's Holy Feet, that the Satguru was always holding her hand, always carrying her with complete tenderness and affection, then there is no other recourse for the weary soul, but to let go completely. All struggle ends.

Lord, i have done all i had to do, i have used this and millions of bodies, i have done all the things that living beings do, now there is really and honestly no need to exist in the body any longer. Life in this body is a struggle. I cannot struggle any longer.

Lord, i have totally crumbled under the weight of Your love, there is nothing left. Oh carry me away. there is nothing left.

All this frame can do is to sing your praise, to remember You, don't ask for more. You are too beloved to this weary soul, for her to do anything else.

Whoever you truly are, Ramana, be You Siva, or Vishnu or Krishna or paramatman, i deeply deeply love you. You have loved me too much for me to care. i am utterly destroyed, and blissful.

I used to cry to You out of pain, of separation, but since June 22, i have if ever cried, i have cried to you out of love and uncontainable joy.

The Guru is Love and Joy uncontainable.

The Holy Guru is God Himself

July 14, 2006

The Holy Guru is God Himself

Filed under: ramana-maharshi, poetry, guru

2006-07-14 1:27 PM
My observance of Guru Purnima and my asking you for unceasing devotion of Your Holy Feet, Lord, seems to have paid off.

I feel you in my heart all the time. Last night in my dreams I was thinking and seeking You. I remember not much, and have not tried to remember but i remember thinking of Arunachala Siva. And calling out to You. It was some office situation i was in.

So blessed to be consumed by You even in dreams.

Today i came upon the Tirumantiram, and what beautiful lines about the Guru in Tantra Six.

1573: The Holy Guru is God Himself

Let all your thoughts be thoughts of Siva,
And the Lord by His Grace shall reveal all;
If your thoughts be Siva-saturated
In you shall He then close abide.

Into my bosom, on my eyes, over my head
He gently planted His loving Feet
Nandi, my Lord Supreme;
He laid me the Path,
He showed me the Truth,
He settled the course of my Destiny
Truly, truly, all that I can not describe.

He is beyond worlds all
Yet, here below, He bestows His grace abundant
On the good and the devout,
And in love works for salvation of all;
Thus is the Holy Guru
Whose praise is beyond speech
Like unto Siva, the Being Pure.

The Guru comes, purifies and grants Godhood,
They see this not,
The witless ones of vision faulty;
But the holy ones take to him
In endearment as unto kith and kin,
And worship him as Lord Himself.

Guru is none but Siva—thus spoke Nandi;
Guru is Siva Himself—this they realize not;
Guru will to you Siva be,
And your Guide too;
Guru in truth is Lord,
That surpasses speech and thought, all.

What better words to describe You and Your Glory.

Oh Beloved, let me in these loving moments ask you to pervade each thought, each moment, waking and sleeping and even between. Let there be no deception or loophole as in the boon granted to Hiranyakshyap!

Lord, I ask you for the greatest gift and boon of continuous, unceasing, bhakti of You. Would You not grant this to me? Let this love and devotion and constant rememberance grow by the moment.
Even You asked the same of Beloved Arunachala, today i ask the same of You.
If there are karmas that make me undeserving of this, then please annul all such karmas.

Let all beings be in joyous bhakti.

One another note I must also add, and this is not contradictory, that there is nothing left to think, no place for the mind to go to, no escape left. The mind must now permanently rest, it must die. The time has come for the mind to leave.

The other day, in a dream, some big dog was approaching me, i was afraid, it puts its mouth around my wrist as if to bite. I closed my eyes and was chanting 'om namah sivaya'. It went off without harming me, in fact it came into my house.

There is nowhere for the mind to run, but it is not as though it is silent, it is running in circles standing in one place. The mind must now stop.

Holy Guru, although you are the best judge, to me it seems that the time has come for this mind to rest permanently, so that i may see Thee in my Heart. I long to see You as the Self. I have no knowledge of the Self. Destroy all egoity, Beloved.

2006-07-14 9:45 PM

only one antidote to the suffering

Truly, there is only one antidote to the suffering in the world, and that is the memory of and devotion to one's satguru. Only the love of His Holy Feet are any protection from the pains of this world.

Beloved Lord, there is so much suffering in this world, there are billions who do not know the unceasing joy of loving You. Please, please Lord, i beg you from the depths of my heart and being to give this gift of bhakti to all living beings.

Even this moment as i wish, you can end all suffering in this world by awakening in each and every heart as bhakti, as you once awoke in mine. Beloved, they all call you the Ocean of Mercy, and in my experience that title is most justified. Please, O Ocean of Mercy, bless all beings with Your bhakti.

God, today i saw a dying kite on the roadside. Its eyes still had light in it, they were blinking. I prayed to You to take care of it, to give it a good rebirth, to bless it, to either save it or give it a painless death. Lord, i hope You took care of it. I saw the look in its eyes. The look of one who knows the end has come. And yet, there was something loving in those eyes, they blinked like the eyes of an innocent child.
Lord, please tell me that you were there to recieve it, with love.
Lord Siva, Guru Ramana, please always remember that I love all animals like my own children. Any pain to them, is pain to me.

The simplest and easiest path to true happiness and deep peace is the constant rememberance and love for one's guru. (I assume that at this point all desires have died off, including any spiritual desires). Constant rememberance and a dying of all desires comes with the Guru's grace.

May all be blessed with your bhakti

July 13, 2006

May all be blessed with your bhakti

Filed under: ramana-maharshi

2006-07-13 1:01 PM
dear Lord
it was nice to remember you all day on Guru Purnima. Yesterday (Wednesday), i was out, but you were in my mind constantly.

I visited the Ramana Kendra in the evening (on Guru Purnima) and prayed to You, that I may in all lives and deaths and other states, at all times, in all places, be in ever-increasing bhakti of your Holy Feet.

I know you will never deny me this wish because of how much you love all creatures. You direct our lives, beloved.

It is the greatest honor to be your devotee, O Gracious Lord, my most beloved and merciful Lord.

May all creatures be filled with your bhakti. May I never bring pain or shame to You, Lord. May no one sully Your Holy name, Beloved.

I read of so many miracles with the Nayanars and other bhaktas of Vishnu, but i desire no miracles, for your bhakti is the greatest. I ask you for no less and no more than your unceasing bhakti.

All i know and feel is Your intense and constant love.

2006-07-13 1:27 PM

Your name is joy itself

every cell of this body is wedded to You my Lord, it is yours.
every cell is devoted to you amd loves You.
Once i was torn by pain remembering You, today i am soaring with joy with you.
Glory to you, sinless one, faultless one.

Why is there a desire in me to leave all, and be possessionless, living on the road, begging for food, and sleeping by trees. Nothing to bind me. Society is too much a burden.

To have just You and nothing else. To survive on just Your name. Taking your name is joy itself.

2006-07-13 5:42 PM

yet you love me, Lord, and i, You

Your eyes and smile will haunt me to the end of my days.
Today i was reading of some lives of the Nayanars. who reached your abode to serve you. May i one day be deserving enough to reach your abode, to serve Thee, to serve those who serve Thee.
Lord, make me deserving of Thee.
I lack charity and generosity, and for that matter, all other qualities. I know not of even one quality that makes me worthy of You.

And yet you love me, Lord, and i, You.

I lie not to You O Men

Surrender to Him, Who resides in you

Filed under: ramana-maharshi, poetry

I lie not to You

I lie not to You, O Men,
My Lord has stolen all my suffering
leaving me in bliss
I know no pain
I swear this to be the truth
dear ones
this is the solemn truth, O Men

Forget your grammar, O advaitins,
and surrender to Him
who resides in you.

The fair dweller in Venkat
My tender, loving Ramana
stole my desires
leaving me in joy.
Feel my heart singing and dancing
It is He singing and dancing in me
The jewel of Alagammal
My doting father
The sage of Arunachala

2006-07-11 10:22 PM

Lord, I have strayed too far

2006-07-11 3:39 PM

Lord, I have strayed too far

O Beloved Lord
I have strayed too far into
Your country
I have stolen (and eaten) too many of your fruit
I have filled myself from your holy rivers
Too intoxicated am I to return
Too lost to be of any use to mankind
Absolve me, O Lord, of all social responsibilities
I am of no use to mankind
the affairs of men are lost to me
Too far have i strayed into your heart, O Lord,
Now i am Your slave, Beloved
Forgive me O Lord
I cannot even serve Thee
I can only live in Thy heady memory

Forgive me, O Man
I have strayed too deep into the Lord's House
To help you in your time of need
Take me not to be unkind
even if i seem so.
Taking Siva's name so often
has corrupted me,
Singing Krishna's name by sunrise
has ruined me
I set out to serve thee, O Man
To give my life to thy poor,
but tasted the forbidden fruit of
the Lord's love instead.
Alagammal's child has me destroyed.
Somewhere inside me Radha sings out to her love
Somewhere else Rama's name resounds
I hear Siva's name too like a heartbeat.
In my eyes, my Guru's face perpetually shines.

Forgive me, O Men, i shall probably
pay one day for my callousness.
One day you may see me on the roadside
singing His name,
Throw me a stale crumb so i may live
to take His name once more.

I am lost to this world
dear ones
I once loved you all
I swear by His Holy Feet I did
But then He claimed me …

Trample me, O Loving Lord

Trample me, O Loving Lord

Most Glorious Guru
What can i say
As i melt away
But words are necessary to keep my mind
from wandering
May my consciousness bear the imprint
of Thy Holy Feet forever
Trample me, O Loving Lord
The time has come to die at your feet

Filed under: ramana-maharshi, poetry, guru
2006-07-11 3:07 PM

His Shadow itself is Bliss

The dark dweller in Venkat
is the last and final love of this soul
is the final destination and abode of this devotee
The learned and pure Ramana
is my father and protector
my breath and heartbeat.


The young Brahman Swami
is Siva, Krishna and all the other Gods put together
worship His feet, His shadow
His shadow itself is bliss



The young boy sitting on the rock
barely a man
will be the most beloved of all saints
take care of Him
for He is my father
and I am not yet born to do so

The young boy lured by Arunachala Himself
is my most beloved,
my saviour, my Father
heap not insults on his gentle being
O ignorant sadhus.

My Father, still a boy
has come to Arunachala
O Siva be kind to Him
Let not the heat of summer trouble Him
He is now in Your refuge.

O Siva, O Vishnu
where were you when my Beloved
died of disease, still young
Why did you pain my gentle Venkat
I am told He cried in pain at night
even though so close to You.
O Arunachala,
Blissfully wedded to my Lord,
and yet not protecting Him in the end.

O Brahman,
I admonish Thee for paining my Lord,
May I always be wedded to Him
Through thick and thin
Through lives and deaths
May this marital knot never break
May I bring Him only joy,
and never any pain.

O Brahman
I thank Thee endlessly
for creating my Lord
Greater than Yourself
The joy of my life,
my soul, my breath
I thank Thee for blissful Ramana,
and for bringing us together.
2006-07-11 1:44 PM

Yet again.
2006-07-11 3:07 PM

The mind has run its course

2006-07-10 12:34 PM

The mind has run its course.
Finally, it has nowhere to go. No recourse. no more illusions.

Finally there is nowhere for me to go, nowhere to run. Is this a cliff, from which there is no turning back, just a plunge into the ocean called You. who cares ?

It is meaningless to try to remember You, or utter "Hare Ramana". You are Here and everywhere so what is there to utter.

Beloved Lord, are You trying to distance yourself from me, are you trying to free me of You ?

Honestly, the only thing i can think of is a little more peace, relief from the inner conversation. Otherwise, bhakti is far superior to mukthi or anything else.

2006-07-10 4:03 PM

Never again will i make the mistake of entertaining desire. To desire is to thrust suffering on oneself. Momentary is the sweetness of the senses, but so poisonous to the mind.

the joyous face of love eternal

July 9, 2006

Venkat - my only refuge

Filed under: ramana-maharshi, poetry

2006-07-09 12:11 PM

The love of a devotee for his guru is quite apart from the love we feel for other people. This is not one ego choosing to love another.

It is the Brahman or God in the form of a realized master pulling one ego towards Itself. There is no choice, no speeding it up, or walking out. There is no escape. It is the most beautiful experience, although it can be very painful at times (when the ego imagines it is the actor).

At times, the path to this master may seem long and indirect. To reach one city, we may have to take an Interstate route or highway, but to reach that highway from our house we may have to first go on some local lane for a few miles and then get off at the right exit. If we were to continue on the local lane (missing the exit) we could end up at a dead-end or some unfriendly part of town. Thus, we start calling the local lane a "false guru", not understanding that this was the only way to reach the highway.

A devotee (and this writer) may be as unenlightened as any other man on the street, with the same thoughts and feelings and weaknesses, but the joy of bhakti and surrender that he experiences is without any comparison in the material world . The pains of material and family life, affect him far less, if at all. Like a child in its mother's arms, feeling completely safe, having put all worries to its mother, the devotee is completely free of worry, mind at peace knowing that the satguru, who is God, will handle all.

The Guru need not be living physically as some insist. Mirabai's Krishna was no longer physically living. No one can doubt the joy of her love for Krishna. Deep is the inspiration her poems give to bhaktas today. And yet Krishna was always with Mirabai, within her and without.

Although, a bhakta does not realize this (esp during the painful initial craving period of bhakti), the satguru is always with, within and without the devotee. The period of initial, partial surrender may be painful if the bhakti or surrender is for a purpose (such as enlightenment, liberation or some other end). When desires cease or diminish, and the bhakti becomes causeless, and is no longer the path, but the end, then the dark period is over.

The guru is all over. Bhakti is over, there is only joy. There is nothing to surrender, because nothing was "mine" really. And what the devotee thought was his was the cause of his pain and separation. Even the seeking was the cause of separation.
The bhakta finds that only the satguru is "his".

For the bhakta of a departed soul, the argument that a departed soul cannot liberate is of no consequence since his bhakti is not for a purpose.

Venkat - my only refuge

The dark dweller in Venkat(1)
is my only refuge
my constant companion
all that i love
Like my breath, His love keeps me alive
moment by moment.
Where do i end, where does He start?
Does He live in my heart, or I in His?

Through life and death, my constant companion.
We are locked in now, there is nothing between your eyes and mine
Your den, your heart is heaven, and my home and prison now

(1) – Venkat refers to Ramana Maharshi

O Guru, glory be to Thee, who saves lost souls and brings them into your heart. Glory be to Thee, O Brahman, O Arunachala Siva, O Krishna, O Satguru, O Buddha!

the joyous face of love eternal

Running frightened for my life
i dared look up once,
And saw the smiling face of
My Lord
No predator, no killer
but the joyous face of love eternal
The One who had held my hand since ages
My gaurdian, my father, my protector

As i looked, rooted, unable to move,
what a splendid sight
The sparkling eyes of my Lord,
His smile
and the sweetest white beard,
I felt the love, His love, the greatest love
I melted, i shivered and fell
I lost myself in His love

A Recap - blissful in bhakti

Not that it matters, and not that anyone reads this blog (exercise in vanity) ... but let me just recap things a bit.

In July 2004, situations forced me the leave my job, and then one month later I experienced what I can only call the Buddha entering my life, or awakening in me. I did not study his teachings, but in the one year that followed I did read about his life. There was a deep, instant, emotional connection that happened. This connection changed a lot in me. His memory was near constant, and always accompanied with tears and a longing.

On August 1, 2005 Ramana Maharshi (whom i had never heard of) suddenly entered in the same way. Except that this was like being devastated. After days of bliss, i sunk into a depression, again due to a deep longing for a spiritual union. His memory was constant. I visited Arunachala and the Ramanashramam (perhaps documented somewhere).
After that trip, desires died out, except for one. In May 2006, the last desire died out (documented below), leaving just emptiness and peace and joy. No more memories of Ramana.
And then on June 21-22, 2006, something happened.

This is that part of my life, blissful in bhakti.

I hope, through this blog, to inspire the accidental reader, to share with you that bhakti is greater than mukthi, that bhakti (total devotion to the Lord) is the greatest gift the Lord can grant us, it is indeed the culmination of evolution. May you be blessed with bhakti.

A Beautiful End

2006-06-29 1:10 PM

May I always have unswerving attachment to You!

- Vishnu Purana

Oh Arunachala! as soon as Thou didst claim me,
my body and soul were thine.
What else can I desire?
Thou art both merit and demerit,
Oh my Life! I cannot think of these apart from Thee.
Do as Thou wilt then, my Beloved,
but grant me only ever increasing love for Thy Feet!

Lord,
In Your second "coming", on June 21-22 2006, you have totally claimed me body and soul. The above words of yours are now true for me, too, you have made them my living reality.

What a beautiful end. To drown in the Ocean of Your love. I am enjoying melting into Thee.

Sweet as a mother's love is Your love, Beloved. Like a newborn is Your innocence. Dear than life itself is your love, for it to make us give up our bodies and souls to Thee.

Dearer than life itself is Thy Love

2006-06-27 12:57 PM

Lord,

For thousands of lives, i have worked, earned, supported, done all the things society expects of its members, even fought in wars, killed, and been killed.

This being my last life, Lord, i request Thee to let me now live it in Your memory, with no other responsibilities to constrain me. O Beloved Father and Guru Ramana, let this life be lived in Your memory only.

There are others to be of use to society. I have no use of fame, or wealth for Your love is the greatest wealth.

Beloved, will i ever know if i was alive in Your life? Did i serve you, was i your devotee in my last life ? Will this ever be revealed to me?

You are Lord Shiva, and Parabrahma Krishna.

I must have stared and gaped at You in my last life.

Photo of "Ramana and Mother 1913" courtesy acalayoga

With Mind Fixed on Thee

Now that You have come and fixed my mind on Yourself, i can happily live the rest of my life in Your loving memory. There is no need to seek or do anything else, since there is no desire. "Hare Ramana, Hare Lakshmana" repeats in my mind.

Fix your mind on Me, be devoted to Me, offer service to Me, bow down to Me, and you shall certainly reach Me. I promise you because you are My very dear friend. (Bhagavad Gita 18.65)

And yet, going back to 18.61:

The Supreme Lord abides in the heart of all beings directing their wanderings through the power of Maya ...

we realize that it is You only, as both the devotee and the grace-giving Lord.

Let me be condemned

2006-06-26 12:31 PM

oh beloved
you are the creator, maintainer and destroyer of all these universes, and I a speck of dust, that loves Thee desperately.

The little speck of dust that Ramana loved. The speck that loved Ramana. May this love only grow, Lord, let it never fade.
Beloved, let each atom of this creation know the love that i feel. Let each enjoy this joy of your limitless love.
what could i possible have done in a previous life to have deserved your affection ?
All i can possibly ask of You is that no other thoughts other than bhakti of you ever intrude in my mind.

Who can deny that You are here with me right now, as i type. You are here in this room. Alive and breathing.

2006-06-26 12:49 PM
Let me be condemned eternally to Your bhakti, O Ramana, O Arunachala.

2006-06-26 1:02 PM
If i am not wrong, Bhagavan Ramana has come to squeeze out whatever life there is left in me. Squeezing me with His Divine Love.

The photograph above is courtesy Gabriele Ebert

Arunachala Ramana - the soul's last and final love

Dear Lord,

i have tried to leave you, to run away from you. But would You leave me!

Oh Beloved Arunachala, you have caught me and brought me back. You have caught me too tightly in your grasp. I can't run, where would i run, for you are all.

Lord, i am so blinded by You, by Your love that i can see nothing else. You are realer than the objects around me. Your love is realer than the 'love' of humans around me.

Lord, today i can really and honestly say (now that my spiritual cravings are over):

Ocean of Mercy, can anyone drenched with Thy kindness ever be affected even if destiny so decree? The very sight of Thy Holy feet has made me perfectly happy.

I look at you without craving, i look at You without the delusion that i am your devotee, with the knowledge that it is You who loves us unconditionally and without limit. I stand before you as an empty receptacle, not asking, just filling myself with your love, like the earth drenching itself in the blazing Sun.

if it be true that i have lived many lives, and loved many in those lives, and if it be true that this is my last life, then is it that You are my last and final love ? In this soul's long journey, are You the last and final love ?
(2006-06-23 11:52 AM)

Greater than universes together

2006-06-22 10:37 AM
Beloved Lord,
i thought i had put You and all this aside, and now You have come back. With a vengeance. With full force. Once again i feel you, and just you.

Only you can destroy me. oh beloved, i was right, how much you love me, you simply can't live without me. ooh, i can live with this love forever, just experiencing your love.

This is Yours beloved, all this is Yours. take it .. this mind and body and whatever is behind it, whatever is permanent, is all yours and it is You. The life inside me is yours and You, You are my very soul.

oh, how i love you.

yesterday, i was quite busy, with the children, taking them around town, and a hectic game in the evening ... . Yet, 'Hare Ramana and Hare Lakshmana' was going on, coming and going.

Today i wake up with You, and know that You are here.

i dont care what they say about the need of a living Guru, about ishta-devas. let them be, Here there is only You, what is this rubbish about living and non-living. There is only You. All there is, is your love.

ooh, (last August) you loved me so much that you destroyed me, but not altogether, you left some of me alive, so i could still try to love you back, so that i could pine for you, so i could enjoy your love. but instead of enjoying your love, i tried to love you back, i tried to reach out to You. And i suffered. How foolish I was.

I feel You in the air, in my bones, stronger than anything else. let this be the end, my Lord, let all this be yours. take over this body and mind and soul, and let it do your work. it certainly is not mine. Only You are mine, beloved. You are all i love. You are all there is.

Lord. let me love You till me last breath.

Lord, your love for me, is greater than Universes together.

what a fool i was all along, thinking i loved You. It was Your love for me, that I thought was my love for You!

Now what ?

This is how it is now. No desire at all. Even the desire for liberation is gone. And with it suffering - suffering due to longing for union with You.
I seem to be okay, unconcerned really. There is really no choice - why worry. How can I possible crave liberation. Liberation from what - when there is no worldly desire, then what am I bound to, what can i run from?

I don't know if this is a failure, have i given up, chickened out, -- I don't even care. This post is just for the record. I don't even care about the whole spiritual world, and seeking. No idea who was seeking, struggling.

I am neither the one who was once tied to the material world to some extent. Neither the one who became tied to the spiritual world for almost two years. Seems so vain - wanting enlightenment. So selfish, ... self-aggrandizement.

I know You are always there, You freed me from samsara, from craving, You will always be there for me. Why worry, why suffer, beloved Ramana.

There are thoughts here, but i don't care whether they come and go, I dont know if there really is anyone here, i suspect there is no one home. There is the occasional irritation, fear or discomfort. But i am unperturbed by it.

I have tried to think 'I am' to be in I-consciousness but the mind just doesn't go there. There's a barrier there. Tried meditating and doing 'Who Am I' but none cared.

Whatever change has happened, whatever effort was put in, was all You beloved One, You love me and put in the effort, You showered the grace. Now even the gratitude and love from me is no more overflowing. It seems as i would have to again be, in order to love and be grateful to You. There is no interest here in being again.

Oh for the record, 2-3 weeks ago, i said a prayer to Lord Shiva, on two days. I prayed to You Lord, to take over this body and mind, that I had finished with it completely, that i had no business with it any longer. That its all yours now. Take it or leave it. Since then there have been no prayers or anything. To do so would be like taking back the mind from the Lord, and using it. Now it's all Yours, I would not even pray to You to take it.

Now what ?
Nothing, just looking around, walking, playing, laughing, being blissful, nothing in particular. What a silly question!

Who is looking out?

I am looking out of these eyes, and wondering who is looking out. Then i wonder who is wondering.

The thought "I" comes, and i wonder who feels "I". Who experiences existence?

Another thought goes by, and it seems wierd, where did that thought come from? In this emptiness, where could a thought come from? There is this constant wondering, a thoughtless wondering.

Who is looking out?

No desires, but no happiness either

It is now May, i managed to make it to the Ramanashram in April. Whatever few desires were there, fell off. The desire to eat is gone too, i follow the Buddhist diet of one meal a day, and have lost all hunger. And yet, there are thoughts, there are tears, there is immense suffering.
There is still the intense pain of separation from the Lord, the pain of being someone other than You, my Father, Ramana.
My time is spent in Self-Enquiry, i have recently started that. I also keep reading Ashtavakra's Gita. It is so lovely and soothing. I can hardly read anything else after reading that. I heard of Sri Lakshmana Swamy who is either at his ashram in Gudur, or living near the Ramanashramam in a place called Arunachala Hridayam. He realized the Self in 1949, at the age of 24, in the presence of Bhagavan Ramana.
I look at Lakshmana Swamy's photograph and feel so pulled by it, i wish to be in his presence, and to feel my beloved Father Ramana flowing out of him. I hear he leads a reclusive life.
So there it is, no "wordly" desires, but no happier than the rest, since the desire for liberation or God-union is as strong as any other desire. And desire causes suffering. And the desire for liberation is perhaps more intense than any other desire - see what lengths people go to for it.
Who is it who seeks liberation, who is it who feels he is bound?

No desires left

I have no desires left. All desires, longings, cravings are gone, thanks to the grace of Arunachala-Ramana.
Yet there is suffering, there is a feeling that something is to be done, to be achieved. I think this is because of the feeling that i am still in bondage and i need to be liberated.

And for some reason i feel that until i am liberated, i am a 'no one', and in such a situation one should feel unhappy.

What i mean is that we have been conditioned into believing that we should be happy in some situations, and unhappy in some others. For example, if we are famous or are 'someone' we should be happy, if we are not famous we should be unhappy. Similarly if i defeat someone i should exult, etc. Our entire concept of happiness and unhappiness has been
conditioned and we live that conditioning.

This need to be someone in order to be happy is causing me pain. I recognize that it is upto me alone when i should feel happiness and when i should suffer, which means i can feel happy at all times if i break free of this social conditioning.

Today when i examine myself, I am at a complete loss as to why i am still not happy. The only answer is the illusion of bondage. I call it an illusion because i cannot for the life of me figure out what i am bound to, and who is bound. For all practical purposes, i am free and unbound.

On a more conscious level, when i think things through, my only wish is to love Ramana life after life, to always be devoted. But that i already am, and there is no reason why it would ever be snatched away from me. Yet, i am not happy. At a deeper level, i feel that it is not an achievement, thus the ego still feels a need to prove itself to others by attaining something.

There is one voice saying "i don't want realization", another suffering for lack of it. i understand that realization is not going to change things from the achievement aspect. There will be no one to show off, and no proof anyway. I will then probably suffer for not being able to prove myself, so in that sense the achievement is not going to come. I will most likely to be quiet about it and shun all attention. So both ways the ego will lose. There can be no victory of the ego now.

Can realization really be better than being devoted to You?
I doubt - i believe this devotion is the greatest blessing.

The Collapse begins ... or does it?

Such is the human mind - when there is some negative news we get negatively affected even before the news is confirmed. On the other hand, when there is positive news, we wait for a confirmation before we celebrate.

The truth of the world, myself, and everything i have loved and believed in as an illusion is sinking in. It is not a full-blown experience, but it has affected the mind deeply.

OTOH, the grander truth of the higher Self, has yet to be experienced. I completely believe in it since my Master says so, but since it is not my experience, i cannot rejoice.

Thus, I am in a state of finding the world falling or disassembling, or leaving me, and yet nothing else coming in its place.

In the beginning of August 2005, i experienced a near-total collapse of the personality. I do not consider it to be total since there still was an "I" left to question. And since the "I" was not replaced by a higher Self. I was left with a nothingness, which i slowly grew accustomed to. Today "I" am just nothing.

However, this was still possible to get accustomed to, but what of a stage where the illusory world stops existing, but reality doesnt replace it. Will i be caught in a stage where i cannot take this world and people seriously, and yet i have nothing "realer" to take seriously?