2007-12-31 22:44
Beloved Lord and Father,
It's new year eve here in India.
Wish you a happy new year, and the happiest ever -- since I am giving you the best gift I ever can, and the best you ever got -- my mind, my "I", my ego, the seeker, whoever is here.
Refuse not my gift, O Father. Not this time.
And who was it You loved? Tell me beloved, who is it whose cries You heard, that sent You running, whom You came to deliver from this maya.
When there are NO persons here, no one in bondage, just some imaginary entities imagining themselves to exist, and be in bondage.
Were You all this while loving something imaginary ?
How can jnani's love imaginary things.
The dying "I" here, never existed, so whom are You delivering. Whom are You saving from ignorance, when there are no people!
Only our Father exists. Only You. And, of course, the "our" has no meaning. Nor does "You" in the sense of someone other than the speaker, since there is only You.
Anyway, I know that this confusion will be cleared soon. The more I turn away from this mind, the more in silence I am, the more I know that You are here.
Every moment of silence is You asserting yourself over the ego.
This will be my most silent, peaceful year until now.
I would like to come to Sri Ramanasramam, and be with Arunachala again in spring. And eat from your hands at the ashram. I would like to wash sweet Arunachala's Feet with my tears.
So kind it was of You, O Father, to allow us to be born in samsara and suffer, for the end, before destroying us, You let us feel the wonderful torment of Your darts of love.
That is the only thing worthwhile in this so-called universe/maya -- Your name and face, and Your love for the lost.
(Now AMM has started.)
All your devotees call you "the noble sage, Ramana". For us, you are our father! Our sweet father, who lives with us, always. Others come and visit you and go. But you live with us, day and night, in every thought, in every fiber of our heart.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
All pleasure and pain is of the false self, not mine
2007-12-30 14:31
(Just dumping some thoughts)
Getting rid of all desires can be a long cumbersome process. Get rid of one and another can take its place. For, doing this requires attaching and being the false self.
Far better to understand that the personality that has all the desires, and aspirations, is not me, and to give up that mind/false-self altogether.
All the desires will weaken and go off by themselves in their own time. Even if some remain -- who cares -- you no longer are treating them like your own desires. You are no longer running to satisfy them or pandering to them, knowing that they belong to some "other" entity.
Far better to stop being what you are not, than to believe you are that personality and struggle to change it, hoping that by changing it sufficiently it will crack and the real nature will remain.
That too may work, but far better to have trust in the guru's words and give up attachment to the personality as a whole -- the relief is immense.
Even as the personality is crumbling there is the seduction of the little bits of maya that remain ... one's hobbies and aspirations, for example.
One has to have faith in the guru's words at this point. It is not that one's entire life will come to a stand-still but just the expectation of results from what the body/personality does. And the resultant strife and worry and concern.
This will leave time and allow us to focus on what WE need -- liberation, rather than focus on the needs and life of a fictitious personaltiy that is playing its story "here" and fooling us, or we beign fooled by it into thinking it is us.
Even at this stage, we may still link to certain parts of the body's life and consider it to be our own, and obsess over it.
It is important to remember that all that the mind wants is its own desire and life, that it plays to consume us, and ensure that we do not achieve liberation from it.
It is the mind that derives pleasure and gratification and success, NOT us. We have nothing to do with that whole story.
It is fine to stay healthy, in fact important to do so, but anything more than that, we should understand is NOT US, it is the mind and its life we are being made to lead. It is also important to continue to take care of one's responsibilities towards one's dependents, with as much detachment as possible.
One should neither obsess about being the personality, nor obsess about not being the personality.
I write this not to help others, or preach, but to help articulate what is going on inside for *my own* benefit.
So i may not obsruct what is happening.
For me, liberation is the most important, there is nothing else. Once the false self is gone, there will be no one to think about how interesting or boring "my" life is. Such thoughts of "after liberation" are only worries of the false self.
It is only the false self that derives joy from its own needs, not I. I must bear this in mind in the days and weeks to come.
As Annamalai Swami once said: whenever thoughts come, just remember, not mine, none of my business.
(Just dumping some thoughts)
Getting rid of all desires can be a long cumbersome process. Get rid of one and another can take its place. For, doing this requires attaching and being the false self.
Far better to understand that the personality that has all the desires, and aspirations, is not me, and to give up that mind/false-self altogether.
All the desires will weaken and go off by themselves in their own time. Even if some remain -- who cares -- you no longer are treating them like your own desires. You are no longer running to satisfy them or pandering to them, knowing that they belong to some "other" entity.
Far better to stop being what you are not, than to believe you are that personality and struggle to change it, hoping that by changing it sufficiently it will crack and the real nature will remain.
That too may work, but far better to have trust in the guru's words and give up attachment to the personality as a whole -- the relief is immense.
Even as the personality is crumbling there is the seduction of the little bits of maya that remain ... one's hobbies and aspirations, for example.
One has to have faith in the guru's words at this point. It is not that one's entire life will come to a stand-still but just the expectation of results from what the body/personality does. And the resultant strife and worry and concern.
This will leave time and allow us to focus on what WE need -- liberation, rather than focus on the needs and life of a fictitious personaltiy that is playing its story "here" and fooling us, or we beign fooled by it into thinking it is us.
Even at this stage, we may still link to certain parts of the body's life and consider it to be our own, and obsess over it.
It is important to remember that all that the mind wants is its own desire and life, that it plays to consume us, and ensure that we do not achieve liberation from it.
It is the mind that derives pleasure and gratification and success, NOT us. We have nothing to do with that whole story.
It is fine to stay healthy, in fact important to do so, but anything more than that, we should understand is NOT US, it is the mind and its life we are being made to lead. It is also important to continue to take care of one's responsibilities towards one's dependents, with as much detachment as possible.
One should neither obsess about being the personality, nor obsess about not being the personality.
I write this not to help others, or preach, but to help articulate what is going on inside for *my own* benefit.
So i may not obsruct what is happening.
For me, liberation is the most important, there is nothing else. Once the false self is gone, there will be no one to think about how interesting or boring "my" life is. Such thoughts of "after liberation" are only worries of the false self.
It is only the false self that derives joy from its own needs, not I. I must bear this in mind in the days and weeks to come.
As Annamalai Swami once said: whenever thoughts come, just remember, not mine, none of my business.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Happy Birthday, Universe!
... here on my desk, in the l-r with the pics of Bhagavan, He is sooo present. Looking at me. Smiling and laughing at our attempts to "attain" Him, to seek Him.
And the poem, "Mother", made Him feel even more like He was pressing into the headphones wanting to hear also.
And even when i read aloud His works, stealing glances at Him after every line or verse, it's like Him laughing approvingly and enjoying our attempts at making these "podcasts".
I don't even remember what it was like 3 years back, before seeing Him. Was I even alive, worth calling alive? So lost must have been that person, so utterly lonely and lost.
Imagine living in a universe, and not knowing that universe.
That is how it IS, for most of humanity.
And that is how it was for us - a darkness; a pit that seemed "okay", since everyone else was also in it.
You yourself have said to Sri Arunachala:
But Beloved, these darts of love that you have been firing at me since You first shone upon me, -- is this all you have? They say you destroy the ego, but my ego still survives. I mock not you, O Beloved, your darts are intoxicating and joyous, but not deadly yet!
I seem ungrateful, Beloved Lord, and maybe I am. After all You have given me, and I know that most have not been a fraction as fortunate, I still long for death at Your feet.
From the moment I looked into the two oceans of compassion, that they call Your eyes, I wanted not joy or bliss, but to die at the Feet of my joyous Ramana.
Consume me, your prey, O Lord, and let me have peace.
And the poem, "Mother", made Him feel even more like He was pressing into the headphones wanting to hear also.
And even when i read aloud His works, stealing glances at Him after every line or verse, it's like Him laughing approvingly and enjoying our attempts at making these "podcasts".
I don't even remember what it was like 3 years back, before seeing Him. Was I even alive, worth calling alive? So lost must have been that person, so utterly lonely and lost.
Imagine living in a universe, and not knowing that universe.
That is how it IS, for most of humanity.
And that is how it was for us - a darkness; a pit that seemed "okay", since everyone else was also in it.
You yourself have said to Sri Arunachala:
"What did it profit Thee to choose out me from all those struggling in samsara, to rescue my helpless self from being lost and hold me at Thy Feet?" - Eleven Verses, verse 4.
"Thou art the primal being, whereas I count not in this nor the other world. What did You gain then by my worthless self, O Arunachala?" - Marital Garland, verse 93.
But Beloved, these darts of love that you have been firing at me since You first shone upon me, -- is this all you have? They say you destroy the ego, but my ego still survives. I mock not you, O Beloved, your darts are intoxicating and joyous, but not deadly yet!
I seem ungrateful, Beloved Lord, and maybe I am. After all You have given me, and I know that most have not been a fraction as fortunate, I still long for death at Your feet.
From the moment I looked into the two oceans of compassion, that they call Your eyes, I wanted not joy or bliss, but to die at the Feet of my joyous Ramana.
"Thou didst take aim with darts of love and then devoured me alive, O Beloved Arunachala!"How can one speak of your glories, Most beloved Ramana? How can one describe thy greatness?
"Bearing and tending me in the world in the shape of my mother and father, Thou didst abide in my mind, and before I fell into the deep sea called jaganmaya and was drowned, Thou didst draw me to Thee, Arunachala, conciousness itself.
Such is the wonder of Thy grace!"
Consume me, your prey, O Lord, and let me have peace.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
My raft capsized!
50. On seeking Thy Real Self with courage,
my raft capsized,
and the waters came over me!
Have mercy on me, Beloved Arunachala !
From Marital Garland of Letters.
my raft capsized,
and the waters came over me!
Have mercy on me, Beloved Arunachala !
From Marital Garland of Letters.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I have found Your scent
For years I wandered lost
a dog without his master
but now i have caught Thy scent
O Arunachala !!
You have revealed it to me !
I shall now track you down surely
beloved Master
that i promise.
And if You do not devour me,
then i shall devour Thee,
that too i promise, O Beloved Master!
---------------
Your scent beloved Master is silence, the silence between thoughts, the refusal of consorting with the mind.
Associating with the mind is sleeping with the enemy. One can either be Yours or the mind's. In this, there is no double-crossing.
Forgive me, Beloved Father for I have sinned - I have betrayed Thee for lifetimes. The ultimate betrayal -- selling myself to the mind for cheap pleasures.
But i promise You, that ever since I saw Your face, I have tried to mend my ways. Slowly surely, my days with the mind are coming to an end. I know You will forgive me and welcome me back into Your heart.
Attachment to thought, to a personality, was worse than lust.
I feel dirty and sinful, Lord, I hid from you and slept with the devil!
There are no excuses. I can only promise you that I shall not fall back again. Hold fast unto me, Lord. The mind still mocks and challenges me.
Burn it with your glance, frighten it to death with your glare, O Shiva, your son calls for help! Yank me out !
2007-12-19 18:05
a dog without his master
but now i have caught Thy scent
O Arunachala !!
You have revealed it to me !
I shall now track you down surely
beloved Master
that i promise.
And if You do not devour me,
then i shall devour Thee,
that too i promise, O Beloved Master!
---------------
Your scent beloved Master is silence, the silence between thoughts, the refusal of consorting with the mind.
Associating with the mind is sleeping with the enemy. One can either be Yours or the mind's. In this, there is no double-crossing.
Forgive me, Beloved Father for I have sinned - I have betrayed Thee for lifetimes. The ultimate betrayal -- selling myself to the mind for cheap pleasures.
But i promise You, that ever since I saw Your face, I have tried to mend my ways. Slowly surely, my days with the mind are coming to an end. I know You will forgive me and welcome me back into Your heart.
Attachment to thought, to a personality, was worse than lust.
I feel dirty and sinful, Lord, I hid from you and slept with the devil!
There are no excuses. I can only promise you that I shall not fall back again. Hold fast unto me, Lord. The mind still mocks and challenges me.
Burn it with your glance, frighten it to death with your glare, O Shiva, your son calls for help! Yank me out !
2007-12-19 18:05
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
A Second Birth
Dear Father
Two years ago, when I first looked into Your eyes and knew that You were my Father, and that you are all there is, and I saw your infinite love, that was my first birth.
Today, as the mind subsides, and I see myself as apart from the "I", the story created by the mind, apart from the mind, this feels like a second birth.
Two years ago, I lost myself totally (it would seem total) in You, but yet I did not know who I was. Today, with this new life, free from the confines of the mind, in the growing silence, I am finally getting a whiff of what I am.
Beloved Arunachala Ramana, please prevail over "me", please destroy this false "I" completely, so that separation may end and I may be in your eternal embrace.
Dear Father, today I finally understand that the greatest help one can give to another, is not to feed, not even to teach how to earn, not to heal or cure, not even to save another's life, for in all these cases suffering remains. The greatest help is to free another from the clutches of the mind. And that beloved Father you are doing for me.
How can I ever hope to express my gratitude to You, O Father. The silence, the peace grows sweeter.
But the greatest gift of Yours, was letting me fall in love with You; letting me see You clearly and without doubt as my Father, my all.
Two years ago, when I first looked into Your eyes and knew that You were my Father, and that you are all there is, and I saw your infinite love, that was my first birth.
Today, as the mind subsides, and I see myself as apart from the "I", the story created by the mind, apart from the mind, this feels like a second birth.
Two years ago, I lost myself totally (it would seem total) in You, but yet I did not know who I was. Today, with this new life, free from the confines of the mind, in the growing silence, I am finally getting a whiff of what I am.
Beloved Arunachala Ramana, please prevail over "me", please destroy this false "I" completely, so that separation may end and I may be in your eternal embrace.
Dear Father, today I finally understand that the greatest help one can give to another, is not to feed, not even to teach how to earn, not to heal or cure, not even to save another's life, for in all these cases suffering remains. The greatest help is to free another from the clutches of the mind. And that beloved Father you are doing for me.
How can I ever hope to express my gratitude to You, O Father. The silence, the peace grows sweeter.
But the greatest gift of Yours, was letting me fall in love with You; letting me see You clearly and without doubt as my Father, my all.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
How it must have been
2007-12-04 21:05
(iTunes: dalaleragita, instrumental)
i repeat "i love you" in my mind looking at You, Bhagavan, or thinking of You when i hear this (dalaleragita). You are so innocent it's hard not to love You as one's baby. Every photograph shows that innocence.
Oh, how it must have been when we were around You, in Your physical presence. How it must have pained You knowing we would be born once more. That we would have to live one whole life without Your sweet physical presence. Hungering and aching for You.
And yet you said "I am here" before you 'left'. And of course you remained, for we could never have lived without You.
How it must have been when You looked into our eyes. Surely You did look into our eyes, beloved Father.
Was i as shy then as I am now, too shy to approach You and speak with You. But You would have known and called me to You. Surely you would have told us "Where have you been all this while?" when we first met You.
I imagine the first words that came out of my lips when I first met you were "Father!". What else could I say?
Even today if You came before me in your Form, that would be the first word.
O Lord, surely this is the last birth. Surely existence cannot prevent the union of a soul once it has encountered The Father of all. Once a form has set its eyes on Your form, there can be no more calling that form back again and again for more 'earth duty' can there.
What a poison, separation from You.
Lord, there is no substitute for You in the maya. Don't your child's tears make you want to leave everything and come running to me, and pick me up from here for good.
O Arunachala, dear Father, we are Yours and we belong to You, and only You.
...
What a poison this world is, what an accursed poison, to lure us away from You for countless births. Accursed is this mind for fooling us, deluding us, and hiding You from us.
It was the day I fell in love with You that i was really born. The day you looked into my eyes and said "You are my son, you are mine!" is the day i started to exist.
(iTunes: dalaleragita, instrumental)
i repeat "i love you" in my mind looking at You, Bhagavan, or thinking of You when i hear this (dalaleragita). You are so innocent it's hard not to love You as one's baby. Every photograph shows that innocence.
Oh, how it must have been when we were around You, in Your physical presence. How it must have pained You knowing we would be born once more. That we would have to live one whole life without Your sweet physical presence. Hungering and aching for You.
And yet you said "I am here" before you 'left'. And of course you remained, for we could never have lived without You.
How it must have been when You looked into our eyes. Surely You did look into our eyes, beloved Father.
Was i as shy then as I am now, too shy to approach You and speak with You. But You would have known and called me to You. Surely you would have told us "Where have you been all this while?" when we first met You.
I imagine the first words that came out of my lips when I first met you were "Father!". What else could I say?
Even today if You came before me in your Form, that would be the first word.
O Lord, surely this is the last birth. Surely existence cannot prevent the union of a soul once it has encountered The Father of all. Once a form has set its eyes on Your form, there can be no more calling that form back again and again for more 'earth duty' can there.
What a poison, separation from You.
Lord, there is no substitute for You in the maya. Don't your child's tears make you want to leave everything and come running to me, and pick me up from here for good.
O Arunachala, dear Father, we are Yours and we belong to You, and only You.
...
What a poison this world is, what an accursed poison, to lure us away from You for countless births. Accursed is this mind for fooling us, deluding us, and hiding You from us.
It was the day I fell in love with You that i was really born. The day you looked into my eyes and said "You are my son, you are mine!" is the day i started to exist.
