I want to talk with You

Beloved Father,

I wanted to have a word with you. But i just realized that I really have nothing to say. I just want to sit silently and look into Your eyes and hear from you.

Actually, I have looked into your loving eyes. And been almost destroyed. My only regret is that i have not been totally destroyed. why is there still this husk moving around ? I am afraid I might look at you once again and still live to talk about it. When will that darshan come which will  finish me for good.

Bless me with what is required to finish this. If surrender is needed give me that strength, if self-enquiry is needed give me the urgency to carry it to fruition, give me the one-mindedness for it. If all it takes is for you to put your foot over me, do so.

You are all i have, Father/Mother

When i look at animals, i know it is for them I exist, they are all i have in this world. I am one of them, not one of the human race. It is nature, Mother Nature, this Earth to which i belong, from which i come. I am one of them, i am connected to them. I am no longer a separate body. I am a part of nature.

Nice story this ego has concocted. It has totally trapped me in this new identity.

God, Father, Mother, you are all i have. I am too confused with these identities, all are causing suffering. None of that suffering do i know a way out of. I just know instinctively that identity of any kind is an illusion. I know that any world or state containing suffering has to be false. I know that perception has to be an illusion. As long as there is  world, it has to be false.

The tough part is that there is nothing nice that attracts me or catches my eye in this world. There is no desire left. But yet the mind is trapped in the suffering of others. The ego is captivated by feeling the pain of others. It has found a nice warm story to identify with. And the suffering of others is not something you can turn your face from, unlike some nice material objects.

practice is suffering

Things have been lousy for some days. Just unable to get back into silence. all the time there's a low level of some silly inconsequential thoughts going on. unable to remain in the I-am. I keep trying to enquire but it seems alien. I almost feel like i am falling back into the old lost in the mind life.

I know this is only a thought. The mind says this. The mind says that practice is suffering.

Yesterday, i dropped by the animal hospital and they said they would come at 3:30 pm to pick the mother for spaying. They did not. I cannot take this any longer. I know she will go into heat in April. And when the dogs come, it will be tough for little Raja. Another litter ??? And at this point, i cannot leave him defenseless for five days while his mother is spayed. The other dogs (his father who bit him badly below the tail recently) is prowling around.

When Raja grows up then i can try getting the mother spayed. Maybe get them both neutered together when he is 6 months old. When i look into her eyes, i just cannot think of putting her through all that, and not knowing whether they will leave her back here.

Will I ever be free ?

Will the ego ever let go ?

Every time I think there has been an improvement, things immediately get worse. Noise in the mind. It seems impossible to find the awareness.

The latest ego story, the latest identification is one of not being a human, of being part of nature, of being connected to all animals and nature, of hating to be in this body, of hating the physical world.

I am hating life in a body, never was comfortable with it ever. This physical world has nothing for me. I have no option to be silent and be in what sees all this. However, the pain i see all around me is so compelling. It is as though it is calling me to help, it is calling me so plaintively.

O Mother, I love you too much, i love all your children too much. But now I must put all effort in knowing what i am. There is too much confusion of my own identity. I cannot as a mind-body-ego help you much, as much as i may want to. I am too weak as an ego, i am too selfish. If i must help you, it has to be as a free being, not this limited, tortured human. Otherwise, I am only thrusting my tortured mind on others. I could be seeing pain where there is none.

Today when i came back from my walk, i saw the Mother and Raja playing in the distance. They looked happy and carefree. And the thought came that we (humans) have invaded this world and brought immense misery to all. All beings were happy before humans came. Like parasites we are destroying a wonderful world. Like a plague.

They are all happy without us. You are all happy without us.

_______
I just went to feed Mother and child. From a distance, it seemed the Mother raised her head and got up. I felt immediately, it is for You that I exist. Then as i came closer, it was Raja not the Mother. The Mother was still lying and got up a tad later. The feelign remained as I fed them. After that they both played about, playfully biting each other. I thought there is no way i can get you spayed. How can i possibly ? O God, what do i do ? Please you help me -- it is not my life, but another's. Do not leave other beings at my mercy. Don't leave your beloved children at my ego's mercy. No No, not that. Don't try telling me you are doing that with love. Love me as much as you will, Mother, but don't trust my ego.

I cannot function without your help, Mother. I need you to make the decisions, the choices, every choice, even which foot i lift, which nostril i breathe from and when. When i blink, when i move, when my heart beats, everything I need you to decide. I cannot. I can only mess this world up with my mind.

Mother, please use this body for your work, but do not unleash me upon this innocent world. I am your loving son, but i am human, do not forget, and like all humans severely flawed. (I am not perfect like all the other species.) At least, part human. A child of yours trapped in a human body. Mother, may you and all your children thrive, may there be peace and happiness on your planet, in your universe. May there be no suffering in this universe you have lovingly created.

I will always be your son, in every life, in every form of existence, may i always serve you and love you, no matter what happens. I am always confronted by You, i always see you. I cannot stray from you.

The desire for liberation

The desire has increased. The suffering i see is too much for me to hope for anything other than to be free of the ego-world. It could be grace from Amma's darshan on the 17th.

Since the 21st, there's a lot of silence, and i am enjoying being. I don't want to run away from practice, i don't wish to do anything other than to sit silently in Being -- much like Sri Nisargadatta said he used to enjoy sitting in the I-am. Sometimes, it can be noisy, yesterday there was some noise, it is important then to ask "who is having these thoughts?" or "who is perceiving this?".

May all being be in peace, may all beings be happy and free of suffering. May all beings be liberated. Thanks to all those who are helping out, and extending their grace, to those forces pushing me in, or pulling me in to what is real.

Raja has grown !!

Today i took Raja in a 3 wheeler for his booster shot. He has grown!! Now he is 9.1 kg (earlier he was 7 kg). His face has changed, too.

I can see him across the road eating grass at the lamppost.

I forgot to talk about Amma's darshan. It was scheduled at 10 am at the Vasant Kunj (Mata Amritanandmayi Math). I found a car at the RKP red light with an Amma sticker, and followed it all the way. (Nelson Mandela Marg till Vasant Kunj Marg then left). Was seated at 8:45. There was about 2 hours of bhajans and an hour of some teachings in Hindi (translated by some person) and a meditation. At 1 pm the darshan began, i was in the B3 batch, and was out within 30 minutes. I went up with a huge smile feeling joyous, but when she hugged me, i felt a surge of emotion and got up choking.

Throughout the four hours i was there, i kept bringing myself back to awareness. I was doing enquiry during the bhajans.

The suffering in this world that i see around me is intense and unabating. I have to put in all effort into enquiry, no wasting time here and there, allowing the ego to distract me with its small promises of momentary "feeling good" with some thought.

Raja back with Mother

Thankfully, Raja has stopped visiting. Would have created a big issue here. He walks by sometimes, on the other side of the road. I feed him and Mother on the other street. When our flat owners change, I can encourage him back.

Amma is visiting on 16 and 17th. I hope to go for a darshan.

Raja wants to move back

Raja is coming to the doorstep and just parking himself there. That's a danger because of the other flat owners who are against dogs or who will use this as an issue to trouble us.

But the biggest problem is that this is another thing the ego has created to keep me identified and fighting. It is safer for Raja to be sitting outside our house or on this street. But that means he will keep entering our house or (common) front-yard. As far as I know, his being back on the next street with fast traffic is a risk.

Will i be able to move him back even? So my faith in God is again faltering, i am again trying to protect him. If he does keep coming in, what is the maximum that the others here can do? Harass me ? Shoo him out? Harm him?

What if I do nothing, if I keep quiet when they talk?

I cannot keep pondering this, i must enquire into who is bothered, i must surrender this to the Self. I must not let the ego win, it will not stop creating situations to trap me. i must break out of this mind/ego created world.

Raja visits us

I believe Raja came to our doorstep at 3am or so and whined a bit. I heard something and woke up but thought i was dreaming. Later I am told he came back at around 7 and sat outside our house for quite a while.

Later i went to the next road, and whistled to them. Brought them back and fed him outside our house. He had milk but left the bread out. He wanted to come into the house, came in, refused to go out. Wanted to get into the car later when i was washing it. He and his mother played in the front area for a while.

Later again when they heard the reverse horn of the car they came running and sat around for a while. He whined quite a bit, I suppose he is stuck between 2 worlds.

Last night when i left him out, he went into the construction area and got busy with the bones there. He would not come out. Today, he has forgiven me for keeping him confined for several days and all the hospital visits and the IV drips and painful injections. Raja still loves me a lot.

Such a blessing to have received love in his form. This universe and God could not have given me anything better.

Raja's last day with us

I have been feeding him extra today, there is no amount of food that is satisfying him. He is very restless inside and wants freedom, even my presence is not pacifying. I have become like a parent who can't give his child freedom, and is trying to tie him down while the child is getting rebellious.
Today morning after a feed (bread and milk first at 9:30 followed by rice and curd at 11), i took him out and released him where his mother was. They played a bit then she settled on the side. He went to the construction site and picked up some bones and refused to come out. We had a big fight, he growling away. Finally i picked him up and brought him back with a bone in his mouth. He sat at the gate chewing away. Finally, when he had chewed it, he wanted to go back for more. I placed him back in the yard with him protesting. Gave him another big feed of rice and milk and biscuits, but he was still not satisfied. I sat with him for a long time but he kept whining away.

It pains me to have to keep him tied up, him not knowing how long it will last and wanting desperately to go back to his mother or to the bones and the junk food. Tonight at 10:30 i will take him back to the table under the tree and release him. He is sleeping at the moment, his last nap here. He has woken up and is restless again, biting at his bucket, and will soon be banging on the door.

What a way to end this whole thing, fighting with each other! Now, it is up to You, Mother and Father, it is your grace that has brought him to here. You saved him repeatedly. How would i ever doubt you, how could i ever have lost trust in you.

Raja - my life

In the one month that i have been looking after you, you pressed against my chest while driving you to the hospital, or waiting hours for our turn, you have become my very life. The happiest times of my entire life have been holding you against my heart. And even you pressed your head against me -- it was not just me. It was a mutual longing.

You have become my life, i don't know what there is besides you. Removed from me, there is nothing left, no person. I just wish to hold you against my heart. What else is there ?

We are one soul, dear child, as is your Mother and your departed brothers and sisters. We are always one. I will always remember how your sisters used to chew my fingers and wrist, and how you felt against me, and your wonderful smell.

O Mother, give me wisdom and courage to serve your children wisely and correctly. The suffering i see around me is destroying me. I cannot bear it any longer.

Raja is clear (of Parvo-virus)

Last night, he slept through quietly. Perhaps because he had some food, and he was tired of screaming all day. Yesterday evening they did not put him on a drip, just 2 injections. Same today. Now i don't need to take him at all. I can increase his food intake and release him tomorrow.

When i brought him back, his mother was outside looking for him. I released him. He kept going to the Mother, but the Mother kept running away. I took him for a walk but after some time he struggled with the leash (which Seema gave me). Then i gave him rice-curd and a Marie-Gold biscuit and he's sleeping. Hope he keeps quiet at night !

All this would have been much shorter had they identified the parvo-virus in the first place, and given him a drip 2x a day to start with a no food for a couple days. But giving him food the first evening is what totally upset his stomach. Also for 2 days i only took him once.

March 3 and 4th, one drip. 5th and 6th 2 IV drips. 7th drip in the morning. 7th evening and 8th morning, 2 injections.

Thank you, Father and Mother. Now i can get back completely to self-enquiry.

Raja update

Twice yesterday I thought Raja was gone. After noon he was passing watery stool. I rushed him to the vet. Last night he was silent, no sounds, slept through the night.
Just got him back from IV drip, am to give him a biscuit in a short while and see how his stomach takes it. I have the opposite problem now, he is getting restless in the little space, he wants to get out. Now that he is recovering it will be difficult to keep him confined. He is making a lot of noise, and if he does so at night, we could have a problem here.
Anyway, i have to see if he vomits today. Then i take him for fluids in the evening, and lets see how it goes from there.

Raja has parvo-virus

Last night, Raja vomited throughout the night. So now i have to take him twice a day for a drip and no food or water. complete rest for the stomach. When he passed a little stool at the end of the drip, the lady doctor said it was parvo-virus, but the treatment is the same whether its viral or bacterial.

But the biggest problem is not the parvo-virus. Ultimately, humans create suffering where none is needed. Any incident can be a cause for suffering and drama. There is the drama about the car, which cannot be used until it is washed by some professionals. And is not to be used for dogs. No more taking care of pups and dogs again. The usual drama. Smell in the house, hygiene.

They were hoping the doctors would say there was no hope and Raja would be put to sleep. They were quite unhappy to hear that this happens often and is treatable.

For me it has been such a blessing, to serve you, Mother Earth, to love your children even if it was for a few days only. I am overjoyed to have served you, and to have connected with you. How can i suffer such an experience of love.

Anyway, i shall just stay present through all this. Whatever You want will happen. If this is a drama created by my ego, then only silence and being present, and not attaching to the "I" can cure it.

Is this world ego-created ?

If all this including the beautiful animals I love so much is all ego created in order to keep me in the dream, then i want out. Or the love and attachment for them. There is far too much suffering I am seeing. At the hospital, I see multiple cases everyday which are heart-rending.

If this is the ego's world (or whoever's play), I am tired of it. I have to awaken, i have to become free of the ego. I have to become free of the mind. I am not taking any more nonsense.

Raja - sitting in the back area (day 2)

Not good. Raja ate yesterday evening, that was nice. Then he was very restless at night. Late at night, maybe 2 or 3am, he became extremely restless. I held him in my arms and he quietened. Then he wanted to get out. I let him off and he has loose motions. Smelled of sardines. Then he curled up in the bucket and dozed off.

He again had 103 temperature, saline drip, but at the end of the drip he had a loose motion sitting there. it was messy getting him into the bucket in the car. he wanted to move around. I washed his behind at home but still some drops of poo were coming out. He has eaten nothing. I went to give him a sip of water, and found him lying in some poop. Loose. I think it is possible i gave him the wrong food, and too much yesterday. Today then said tiny amounts of rice and curd, every few hours.

Since yesterday i have been listening to the Michael Langford readings and coming back into silence. It has helped a lot.

Raja - sitting in the back area

Today morning he (Raja) was despondent and did not touch any food. He was still lying there with the Mother, on the dhobi's table. (It had rained at night, but they did not look too wet.) So i took him to the hospital. Had a talk with the Scottish friend who has got several dogs through parvo-virus. Finally my turn came, 103 fever, but no telling what else it could be as yet. So they gave him anti-biotics, fever medicine and a saline drip. I am to take him again tomorrow, if the fever has reduced then they will give some medicines i can give at home. I could feed him in 2 hours.

So we have put him in a large flat bucket with newspapers in the little space behind my room. I've been lying here since then looking at him asleep. At 3:30 he lapped up some milk. Later i got him some dog biscuits which he has had. He has not yet passed anything, i need to check his stool so i can report. Just a short while back he was in a chewy mood, and chewed the newspapers and the thread on my wrist. Now he's taking another snooze, looking at me now and then. I feel so much more relaxed since he is here, and i don't have to worry about him being run over. But he can't stay in this little space forever, he has to get out soon, or else he will have no place and his Mother will not recognize him.

But it is good to know that parvo-virus has a reasonable recovery if treated. My Scottish friend (Debbie) said that the dog just needs to be given a basket with newspapers to sleep in, and brought 2x a day for IV fluids. Within 2-3 days you know if he is getting better or not. Pups are easy to cure, adults are difficult.

As i write, he is getting a little restless in the bucket and moving his head around. Since the light is on inside, he can see me.

The last one -- please hang in

I just went for his night feed. He did not touch any food or show any interest. He just lay there on the table. I am really worried for you, little one. Don't leave me like the others. On the way back i did see a whole packet of rice on the side of the road. Perhaps, you had eaten.

Yesterday, when i brought you back, i noticed you walked to the side a little later and had a loose motion. Today morning after your feed you were eating some grass or plants. Perhaps you stomach is not well.

Beloved Lord, please protect the little one. Or is their life so linked to my ego, that to break my ego they have to give their lives. I cannot take this world any more. I saw a headline today evening about some carnage that took place many years back, and felt sick just seeing the headline from a distance. If this world is genuinely created by my mind, then bring me out of this, Father. But if the world is real, and these lives are real, why let them be snuffed for my benefit ? Do lives have to be lost for my liberation ?

Maha-shivaratri 2011

Today is Mahashivaratri. Greetings to you Father, and to all living beings. May all beings be happy, be free of suffering, be at peace. Today, i shall spend the day in silence and enquiry. Glory to You, Shiva, destroyer of the illusion, destroyer of the ego-mind, destroyer of ignorance and suffering.

Goodbye Little One

I went out to look for the little brown one again. There she was sitting outside, across the road in the ditch. Behaving quite unwell. Wet and muddy legs and bottom. Our own guard told me that she had been lying in the ditch on the other side yesterday, i had not thought about asking him.

She would not drink water or eat, just staggered around. So i picked her up and put her in the back seat of our car, keeping Raja on my lap (his last bandage was today). Both of them sat in my lap as we waited at the vet. She was looking around. I was thinking of naming her Bhakti and then thought Chhoti would be better. They took her temperature and there was blood in the stool. Parvo-virus. The doctor said she could infect the others, and possibly the other (Raja) has already been exposed. You were sitting on the doctors table with your head up, ears perked while we discussed euthanasia. My dear little one, I could do nothing for you. You had no idea that your death was being discussed. I was the one who decided to end your life. Dear little precious one. You weren't even limp or lifeless, I was possibly thinking of my own convenience in consigning you to death. My own mind wanting its own easy comfortable life. Love and service too a convenience as long as its easy to take aside a few minutes.

I feel like a murderer, O Mother, O God. One of your precious little children. I remember when you were small, i would hold you against my cheek. I would give you my fingers to bite. And you would oblige. One cold winter night, when you did not eat, and then you started throwing up, i thought you would not survive the night. I prayed to God to save you. And today, tired after months of worrying day and night, i could take it no longer. I am now trying to escape from this love trap i have set for my self. I loved the nice, cute hugging feeding part of it. But when the real stuff confronted me, i fled, unable to face life.

I can never trust my love again. The day the pain exceeds some threshold, i walk out. The doctor asked me to put you on the side, away from Raja. Later when you had moved back close to Raja, I moved you away as though you were an untouchable and should not touch Raja. I touched you several times still, i had to dear one. Then the staff person picked you up and carried you away.

All that while, you were sitting innocently, wondering what was happening, while papers were being signed to snuff out your young life. Is this why you were born ? Will this same fate visit Raja who is like my own body now.

Self, please please rescue me, i want no more, i cannot take any more of this world. I want an end to experience, no more worlds, no more rebirths, no more identity, no more.

No news on the little brown one

Today I checked with the guard outside the house next to 524, and he agreed that he had not seen her for some time. I last saw you day before night when i came to feed you.

So then i walked into the forest next door. It was overrun, unlike the last time i had walked there over a year back. I walked quite a distance through the path but no luck. I am just wondering that you might have wandered off a bit and then got chased further away. At least, it looks like you were not run over, otherwise the guards would have known.

Wherever you are, you are in God's hands now. Only God can protect you and love you. I just hope you are safe and not lost. I hope you have found a place. I will now go and look over the rest of the colony in case you are lost -- although i would have found you yesterday if that were so.