Goodbye Little One

I went out to look for the little brown one again. There she was sitting outside, across the road in the ditch. Behaving quite unwell. Wet and muddy legs and bottom. Our own guard told me that she had been lying in the ditch on the other side yesterday, i had not thought about asking him.

She would not drink water or eat, just staggered around. So i picked her up and put her in the back seat of our car, keeping Raja on my lap (his last bandage was today). Both of them sat in my lap as we waited at the vet. She was looking around. I was thinking of naming her Bhakti and then thought Chhoti would be better. They took her temperature and there was blood in the stool. Parvo-virus. The doctor said she could infect the others, and possibly the other (Raja) has already been exposed. You were sitting on the doctors table with your head up, ears perked while we discussed euthanasia. My dear little one, I could do nothing for you. You had no idea that your death was being discussed. I was the one who decided to end your life. Dear little precious one. You weren't even limp or lifeless, I was possibly thinking of my own convenience in consigning you to death. My own mind wanting its own easy comfortable life. Love and service too a convenience as long as its easy to take aside a few minutes.

I feel like a murderer, O Mother, O God. One of your precious little children. I remember when you were small, i would hold you against my cheek. I would give you my fingers to bite. And you would oblige. One cold winter night, when you did not eat, and then you started throwing up, i thought you would not survive the night. I prayed to God to save you. And today, tired after months of worrying day and night, i could take it no longer. I am now trying to escape from this love trap i have set for my self. I loved the nice, cute hugging feeding part of it. But when the real stuff confronted me, i fled, unable to face life.

I can never trust my love again. The day the pain exceeds some threshold, i walk out. The doctor asked me to put you on the side, away from Raja. Later when you had moved back close to Raja, I moved you away as though you were an untouchable and should not touch Raja. I touched you several times still, i had to dear one. Then the staff person picked you up and carried you away.

All that while, you were sitting innocently, wondering what was happening, while papers were being signed to snuff out your young life. Is this why you were born ? Will this same fate visit Raja who is like my own body now.

Self, please please rescue me, i want no more, i cannot take any more of this world. I want an end to experience, no more worlds, no more rebirths, no more identity, no more.