I wept on your shoulders

The other night I once again had a dream of you, Beloved Father.

You were sitting, (on a "chay"[1] too i think!)

I came up to you and put my head on your right shoulder, and burst into tears. If i recall i laid my head down 2 or 3 times, and wept each time. You smiled.

[1] chay: baby-tongue for chair

Life has changed so much, it has become so "simple". The mind is very much there.
I can feel the love all around me. All is okay. The universe is always there. The universe is alive and always loving and protecting. Mother Earth is also always with us, ever loving and protecting. We are never alone.

Where will i really go ?

When i leave this body, will i remember You and call You and come to You.

Or will I remain empty and silent, and look for eternal silence ?

Whom ?

"To whom is this happening" Is it happening to a continuous entity? To a body, a mind or some one ?

Who says "This happened to me?" Does the body say so? Or does the mind, or some entity?

False self alert !!

2009-05-19 2300

THAT is the last time the false "I" rises here.
Father, may the false "I" never rise again.
May it never take control of me again.

But in doing so, it has totally exposed itself. I know now how dangerous it is, and can be, how it can take complete control over me.
It has made me devoid of love, make me against mankind and this world.

No matter what I do, and how far I progress, it must be totally destroyed. It cannot be allowed to continue, no compromises, no "early deal".

All "my" thoughts, desires, memories, likes, dislikes, hates, problems, issues, feelings of threat, are those of the horrible false self that just reared up. they do not belong to the real me, that is the underlying peace, stillness, the screen.

All these belong to the horrible self that can take me over if given one moment of attention (or inattention).

I am free of this body, mind, person and dream. I am not this limited person.

Only You make sense

2009-05-19 1500

In this silly, illogical dream called the world, universe, only You make sense, O Father.

Only Your eyes, the limitless love in Your eyes makes sense. Only You I trust, Father, none else.

Like a beacon you are, a blinding beacon in eternal darkness.

Take me to Your Feet, NOW.

I want only You...

I want only You....

Mahapuja prayer

What is the fastest way to You, Father?
Instant Union with you.
No "way", no process, no path.

How can i always be with You, totally with You, starting NOW, starting this instant, not in some distant future.

Let nothing come between us

mahapuja 18-05-09

feeling despair and hopelessness again. Mind trying to take over, mind leaving a stink, trying to "work things out" by itself.

i must not yield to the dream, to the show/projection on the screen of consciousness.

I have to keep my mind on you, Father.

With shame, i watch as the "I" rises and criticizes others, passes sarcastic (mental) remarks about others, makes digs at others. Again and again, it rises taking the dream and its dream role seriously.

Have to remain empty, still, quiet and not let the mind derail me with the thought of despair and hopelessness.

---

Lord, what is this "I" that comes between us. Let there be nothing between us.

Are these intruding thoughts really necessary? Important? Must I give them attention, priority over You! Let no thoughts, nothing whatever come between us.

Always remember ... I am the peace below

2009-05-16

I am the underlying awareness/peace that is always there. I am not interested in the dream/show/perception.

Always remember that. No interest in outcome, no vested interest in people, how they behave, what they say, expect, opine, criticize (esp about me).

I am the peace below, not the dream body, mind, person. Remember this always.

mark on consciousness

2009-05-16 18:14

How blessed we are, Father, to have fallen in love with You.
For it to have finally happened!
How many millions have gone without it. How many million lives have gone without it.

Both of You, have stamped my consciousness indelibly, never will the mark of Your love ever leave. No matter if I live another billion lives, in the most distant reaches/recesses, there is no possibility of ever forgetting You both.

How much longer under the shadow of the mind

13/05 1015 AM

Why this struggle about sadhana and disturbances?

If I am sincere, Self/Bhagavan will make sure I do what is required. He will protect me.

Who will i disappoint if i am not "realized" ? Is this something I am doing to impress others, to prove a point, to prove to all that I am not stupid, that finally I am wiser than all, or above all.
"I got it right, they didn't".

Is it a spiral intended to trap me?

I can keep doing Who Am I? and "I Am" in whatever circumstances present themselves, not making a big deal about "correct circumstances" etc.

Accept the situation and circumstance as Bhagavan's wish and remain in Self in all circumstances.

Is the "I" waiting for the "I" to vanish?
How will it know when that happens ?

1245PM

My mind generates thoughts of boredom, of "how much longer?".
How much longer will I (?) have to live under the shadow of the mind?

When will freedom from thought come? (Is this me, or just a thought)

The mind will allow me to do nothing to pass time, no entertainment, any longer, no socializing, no sensual enjoyment, no escape.
Which is all good, since I don't want to get addicted to activity again.

But during enquiry / "I am", there is this unease: "how much longer?"

I sit down willingly to do enquiry, but time passes very slowly, it just seems to stop.

I look forward to sleep time since I can "legally" shut off (without guilt).

Love from above

Am going through another flooding of love from above for some time, some days or more.

What more can one ask for ? What greater gift can God give us, the creator, than His love and love for Him ?


It is a matter of such shame to stand up and "I" now and then, to compete with You, Father, as the "I"! Such colossal shame!

Save me from this shame, beloved Father, to have my own will, to object to what happens, to mind someone's actions is to oppose Your will, Loving Father.

Even at this stage, after so many years, I still resist You, I still struggle against You, whilst speaking grandly of surrendering to You.

Stifle me, beloved, finish me, or is that opposing You, too.

Just an arising

These thoughts, sensations and "I" are just independent arisings. Not "I". Don't worry about it. Just an arising.

What am I looking for ?

What am I waiting for ?

One arising (thought) waiting for all other arisings to stop, so it can think "Aah, no more arisings".

...

I am waiting for the "big bang". .....
or to be more silent .... But who wants to be more silent ? WHO is waiting for the big bang?

WHO witnesses the need to be silent and is concerned about it.



Why am I not happy ?


I am beginning to wonder whether the witness/watcher is the mind watching the mind.

But i think i must not try to work this out mentally. I should just go back to the I AM and Who Am I? and not bother about mind and ego etc.

May 9th - Buddh Purnima

I should not cling onto experiences of peace or silence for they could be just mental experiences, concocted to please/distract.

Just as experiences of thoughts, noise, anger, irritation are mental sensations, so must be (could be) the silence, peaceful sensations, since I am there to experience it, and say: "Aah, i am at peace", "Aah, i am having no thoughts right now".

So, "I" am still there experiencing it. it cannot be me. or closer to 'me'. How can one sensation be closer to me than another.

Only when i am not there to experience, can I be in awareness, or "me" (??).


So peace, anger, sadness is happening in 'me', it is not me, or closer to me.

How discouraging! But some would say "that's another thought". How difficult this all is!

Mind tricks

Every day i wake up, I (the mind) checks to see if there are thoughts. If there are i am (it is) disappointed.

So I (the mind) want to experience realization as a phenomenon apart from myself. I want to experience my "real nature" as something else, something beautiful and divine and all-encompassing, etc.

The mind is always checking to see if it has vanished !

If it has not, there are excuses, faults, blames to be laid on others, others who have to pay the price for "my" realization or peace, mountains to climb, penances to do....

And it is my mind doing and thinking all this. What a confusing, losing situation...

The mind has created such a stink, it is unlivable.

More ego attacks

Have been having major ego attacks. The ego/false self has only 2 thoughts -- to kill oneself, or to leave and go away. The major thought is to kill itself/I since it percieves hurdles to 'attaining realization'.

i try hard to enquire, to remember You, but it seems to be in vain at these times. The ego takes over completely.

But i have to enquire as much as possible, remain in "I AM", and surrender to You. Father. Today after many days, went to the park. Was listening to NarasimhaDev repeatedly.

---

The more I strive to free myself, the more the ego rears its head.
If I do nothing, it wins too. Is there any victory? Only You can help, O Father, Only You can free me from this false Self, this suffering.

---

It is the mind that doesn't want me to let go, to just be, for it's agenda will be compromised, let down. The mind/false I is afraid of losing its image, or tainting the image by my letting go. _I_ do not lose, the mind does. Not _I_.

---

The seeker was a ruse created by the mind to keep control, to keep me from being, so it could keep me trapped.

I do not need the "I", i do not need to wait for any event to Be, i do not need anything.

Ego attacks !

Today the "I" arose quite strongly when i sat to meditate -- the 'seeker' who needs to meditate, the 'sufferer'. It gripped me, i struggled to find the 'I am'.

Later in the afternoon, i was listening to NarasimhaDev, with tears in my eyes thinking of Prahlad and Narasimha.

I am so ashamed to have an "I" sense with You around, O Father.

With You around how can there be an "I". How can an I stand up in front of You. What shame!

There was a bit of peace and silence following. There was hail in the evening and some respite from the 44 degrees (C) heat.

Loving Father, out of gratitude and love i wish to pllace this notion of individuality, this person, this "I" at your Feet. Out of shame, and love, and no other benefit, I put it at Your Feet. Relieve me of this shameful notion, Beloved Father.

Time and again, you took physical form to protect your devotees. What would you not do out of your love for your devotees.

It is astonishing that in front of You, Infinite Love, the sense of individuality can stand up and announce itself.

2009-04-28

April 28, 2009

Since yesterday i notice that the belief in the false self is weakening. An inner identification with the silence or awareness has started happening.


April 29, 2009

What is alive and conscious here cannot have come about 40 years ago. It has to be permanent. It cannot also be limited to one set of beliefs and a changing decaying body.

It has to encompass all this.

Everything can only come after what is conscious.


April 30, 2009

I am the center of experience. I am what is conscious. How can i be something or someone I experience? How can i be a part of what i experience ?

I am outside of experience. There is no reason for sorrow or worry related to identification.

2009-04-27

how can i be a part (entity) of what I experience?

an entity in what i experience wants peace -- how can that be me? an entity in what i experience wants liberation?

Who/ what is conscious ?

Your gaze

To me you promised yourself, O Father
Yourself completely
Today i ask you to claim me
I want you fully, I am ready and eager
There is nothing to hold me back
nothing to bind me

Who could survive the love of Your gaze

Father's aradhana

Like the moon unto her mother
I am unto You
Gaze fixed, awaiting union.

Pull me and crush me into Yourself.

the only true love

Father, you are all i have, the only one i love and the only one who loves me.

Please relieve me of this body and life, and let me be absorbed in Your Feet.

Your loving face

Maybe if i keep your loving face in my mind at all times, I will be able to leave this body and become one with You, O master and Father.

You love me so much, what can i say, dear Father.

This body is such a burden, this world such a pain.

what is it, Father, to throw one's burden on You ?

How does one surrender burdens to You ?

So this is your choice -- it is fine. I will not resist. I must accept the feelings and what comes for it is best for me.

I am totally lost, totally gone. I am trying hard to enquire ... I am unable to disidentify with the false "I". .....

I know now the meaninglessness of everything ... In one blow everything is rendered meaningless, barring You, O Father...

For everything, there comes the question, "what is the point of this?" and it is clear that there is no point. ...

...

Why do I feed this body everyday ? So i can be separated from You for one more day ?

I may be too distraught to see my awareness at present but even in confusion and darkness, i can always see you as a blazing beacon of love, O Father.

My Father always wins

2009-03-27 18:29

When you see my real Father
you will be knocked out of your senses
He will burn all your desires
even your dearest most clingy ones

you will forget all
your joys and pains

my Father devours the ego
and gives you real peace

Once you have looked into His eyes
with love
He will not leave you
You cannot run
you cannot fail
The ego cannot win
My Father always wins

2009-03-21

2009-03-21 20:13

Dear Father

After showing me your loving face, what is the point of having me hanging about in this body and world. When anyone sees your face, the way you revealed it to me, that should be the end.

I cannot take it any longer. I cannot do sadhana, i do not care for reality for truth, for happiness, for bliss. I only care for you. I have no love left in me, i am a stone for this world. I only want You.
The world can thrive or perish, i only care about You.

May no one ever see your face, and live to suffer your separation. May those who see your face, be united with You immediately, O father.

O Lord, I protest, I am not interested in what you have in store for me, your plans mean nothing to me. I exist not to serve or please your any longer -- you have deprived me of you too long. I only want you, to lose existence in You, to drown in you, never to be separated again.

No more Who Am I's, no more words and struggle. I am dying anyway, i cannot continue much longer.
So either way, I will have death.

Father, am i totally insane, am i the only one who sees the flood of love in your eyes. am i the only one devastated by your eyes. Even if this is insanity, this is the most beautiful insanity, the most beautiful way of dying.

I hope existence will be kind enough to let me kiss your Holy Feet as I die.
Existence be blessed for letting this nameless soul, the temporary wisp of consciousness, or whatever, know your love. Existence has given all kinds of souls all kinds of pleasurable experiences but the greatest one was the given to me -- Your love, being Your son.

In all these billions of years, no matter what anyone has got, no one has ever got what I have, Lord, what I get when I look into Your eyes, this no one has and can never have. It is with humility and not pride that i say, that I got the greatest You gave anyone.

Such as shame, there are people alive today who have seen your mortal body and they still are alive 60 years later, hanging onto their bodies, feeding themselves well, entertaining themselves. Anyone who saw your body should have been burnt alive just looking at You. How did they survive 60 years. I say this humbly, Father, I saw your photo 3 long years back and cannot live any longer. Shame on anyone to survive after seeing your photo or hearing Your holy name. Shame on me to think other thoughts after seeing You. Shame on me for being alive.

But now all yearnings and other thoughts are gone. Longing for you, Lord, has destroyed all else.

2009-03-21 21:37

Lord, drag me out of this body now and unite me with your feet permanently. Even if I kick and scream and cling to this body, drag me out, even if i struggle to enter another womb, don't let me. Don't tell me you can bear the separation.

Fear of liberation

It is astonishing that one who is unattached to the things of this world or the next,
who discriminates between the permanent and the impermanent,
and who longs for liberation,
should still be afraid of liberation.

-- Ashtavakra Gita

Drop the seeker

2009-03-18 13:48

Beloved Father

You ask us to surrender the I and mine, but I only want You,
and You are mine.

Lord, even non-existence is better than separation from you.



2009-03-18 18:34

It is much better to drop the seeker and his personality
and just sit or be quiet, watching/seeking what is experiencing
than do sadhana as a seeker who has to be liberated with all the
struggles, aspirations etc of the seeker.

Clarity

2009-03-17 13:55

Life has become so much clearer and simpler now.

Earlier there was always this question and worry of how i would spend my future and therefore not knowing what to keep and what to throw away. Always confusion.
And yet knowing that all those activities were really leading nowhere, just giving a moments respite, no more. None of them really leading to you. Some related to you, but only mind created
activities to strengthen itself while giving itself the impression that it is doing sadhana and getting closer to You.

Now that enquiry has taken over, i don't have to worry or think. This will be it, and when enquiry "finds" You, You will decide what's to be done. I am happy being in silence, I know that is what was meant.
It is so natural. All the clutter from my life can be removed and thrown away.


i can't believe I kept on holding this away, delaying, finding excuses, thinking surely i could not spend *all* my time in enquiry. That was such a ridiculous thought only some weeks ago. Like spending one's entire life in sleep. Now i realize that all these mind activities _were_ the real sleep, they were death.

2009-03-17 18:03

I see you and the word Father comes to me, and I am blown away. How can i possibly do sadhana with You.
You told us to disregard thought and to inquire, that there is no world and God, but You are the ultimate experience, how can i possibly leave You.


2009-03-17 19:26

I am fed up, Father. I cannot take this separation any longer. Please please end this.

Any world where You are not

2009-03-16 19:45

What people call Life, is death for me. Every bit of it has a bad taste, it stinks, it is poison.
O Father, have mercy and pull me up.
Maybe I am not ready, make me ready in an instant and pull me up. I am tired, fed up of this body and "life" which is death. Any world in which my Father is not, is hell and death. This world was palatable since it had your name, and pictures, and since you had once made it holy by walking on it, and breathing its air. But i cannot keep living on just your name and photographs and imagining You to be here.

This world is a graveyard. Only where you are is living.
Lord Krishna was right when he said that all these beings are already dead. All the beings in this world _are_ ghosts.

Father, if you do not pull me up now, I will just lapse into nonexistence. You will never get me. This is my emotional threat to You. I do not not know what keeps me alive after seeing you even this moment. I love you so much I should die this instant looking into your eyes.

Pull me and carry me across, even if i kick and scream, even if i cling to this body or mind, even if there are still some desires left, finish it all like you did for Mother, and absorb me in You.

Why only You are Father

2009-03-16 19:23

The more I enquire, the more i stay in silence, the more I question the I -- the more I love You, O Father.
After all, only once in this life have I known what it is to be loved. To be totally loved. For someone to love me more than anything else. Not the tenth or hundredth thing in his or her list of priorities.
But the first and only.
Only you have totally loved me. That is why you and only you in this entire universe are Father.
I will never be able to love anyone again, never be able to give this place to another, never never be able to forget You.

There are those loveless, self-realized souls who say that You do not exist in the Self, then who is pulling me into silence, and back into You.

I know one day the imaginary boundary betweeen me and you will be destroyed. I will do self-enquiry till then if need be, but at that final moment, when the "I" is destroyed and we are one, i would like it to be love and not enquiry that breaks the barrier. I would like to collapse or melt in love into You.

O Father, I hang my head in shame, that my love was not enough to melt me, to destroy the I, to surrender the I to You. I am ashamed that I had to resort to other means to reach You. But rest assured, my drive to do enquiry is not for some bliss or to be realized, but only to reach Your Feet.

Only they can say You do not exist, whose eyes you have not looked into. They may be realized or whatever, but You never gave them your darshan. And so they talk of celebrating each moment, and enjoying the body, and eating flesh, and being "normal". They do not know You, O Father. Nothing more needs to be said.

I - the one you call "Son"

2009-03-16 17:51

Beloved Father
Don't ask me who i am.

All I want is you. Only You have loved me, and loved me so much that I cannot hold onto this body just for the pleasure of a tasty meal, or chatting with a nice person, or hearing a nice song.

I want You father, instantly. The only reason I do self-enquiry is because it has taken me over, and was your path to us all. I am willing to do anything to reach Your Feet. It certainly gives me peace, and that peace and silence is growing, but it does not give me you.

Don't ask me who is it who wants You, who is yearning. It is the one whom You love, the one You called your son,
the one to whom You said, "You are mine, you belong to me". The one to whom your eyes always repeat "I am your Father".

Don't waste time

This one really touched me (refered by a friend)
Don't waste time.

Abide as the Self

I am watching this : Abide as the Self

Self-enquiry - Ramana Maharshi

... you must concentrate totally upon the awareness of ‘you’, without thought of any kind, or (alternatively) try to catch the ‘I-thought’ as it rises from within and then hold on to that firmly to the exclusion of all else.

Day by day it deepens.

Two

2009-03-14 11:11

" Me is only the idea I have of myself
suffering from other ideas, it has of itself."

... not cultivating or creating, but steadying your seeing...

There are these 2. One is quiet and peace, and the other is this thing
that keeps coming on, that has to be "this" or "that", become free,
liberated, has to find its own reality/real Self, that feels it is
suffering and is searching for happiness.
It sees all kinds of obstacles to its liberation and then suffers due to
them, or needs to plan how to remove or evade those obstacles, and what a
huge struggle that would be. Everyone is an enemy to its (my) liberation.

And then again there is peace, and that other entity is gone.

If i want peace, I have to just stop disturbing it.

myself

2009-03-13 11:41

So i created "myself", believed in myself,
and now this "I" wants to destroy this fictitious "I"/"myself".


2009-03-13 11:57

So this mind makes up a tormented world
struggles against it
And "I" get bound into this conflict

Drop the world, and the "I".

Stop believing in the "I".

I

2009-03-12 09:59

I am just a thought.

I don't really exist.


2009-03-12 18:34

So it is _I_ who am suffering, and the cause of it.
It is _I_ who have to go, for there to be an end to suffering, or
whatever is left behind.

Enquiry is Your grace

2009-03-10 09:29

How silly of me, to think you were hiding or ignoring me.
This self-awareness and "Who Am I?" that is going on all the time,
every waking moment, can only be your grace. Of course it is You,
beloved Father, pulling me to You.

That is your way.

Hold my hand tightly

2009-03-09 20:06

Hold my hand tightly, Lord, so I do not fall.

In this illusion, only self-awareness and "Who Am I" seems real. I trust no one, least of all myself. I only trust the one who has shown me the real path, even if your form be a part of this illusion. Only you have spoken truly and cared, Loving Father.

Glory to you.

The insurmountable foe

Father

Even I need your reassurance, like a dog needs it from time to time from its master.

The deception of the mind is total, how can i face and fight this insurmountable foe all alone. All is illusion, how do i know what in this illusion is true. Is there really a way out, or is that deception too.

Are we totally lost in here. There is a complete hopelessness. I am driven deeper into Who Am I. It is the only thing that makes sense, ... it is beginning to make sense that nothing here can possibly make sense since its all a hoax by the mind.

Is there really a reality beyond the mind ? Is there really a Self ?

I have pushed aside all activities and hobbies. It is clear, illusion or no illusion, that they can give me nothing. I am totally suffocated here, I cannot stay here any longer.

Self-enquiry taking over now.

2009-02-24

Lord
How I love you! I come back just to look at You. To sink into you. Beloved Father,
how can anyone suffer when you are here, and yet ... i suffer to be closer, to be totally united.

This thief, the mind, separates us, or so it seems. This false self, how do you permit it,
Lord.

Or is it I who love it? I spend all my time in Who Am I. That is the only real respite
from the suffering that is the mind or samsara. All other sadhana's were really clever mind games to perpetuate itself. Luckily, you gave me sense to see through the self-deception.

But there are these moments, when i want to put on dalaleragita or srirupamanjari and just look at you, to try to sink into You.

Silent Father

2009-02-19 19:29

Beloved Lord
Make it fast.

I suppose you wish to be silent so as not to distract me from practice.
You have told us the way to You and now you stay silent.

I am following Who Am I all the time. Just make it quick, Silent Lord. Let this be the final year.
I do not want to spend ages in sadhana, ages in waiting. Lift this veil , this curse of the false self
now, Silent Father. I love you too much to live, Father.
Your eyes killed me.
Or was it your smile. Or your life story ? Or all these things.

Now

The world enjoys singing your glories, remembering you, reading about You and remembering You, sweet Father.

Not me! I cannot tolerate it any longer. I hate to think of you and remember You. I want union NOW, immediately, dearest Father. No more waiting, no more thinking, no more playing about with your shadows and reflections.

Final and everlasting union, dearest one. Each cell screams for You. How blessed these eyes are, to have recognized you in an instant, and these ears to have remembered your name. Like a faithful dog, who never forgets his masters scent even after a life, I recognized you.

And now the pining has to be over, Father. I've played enough games, I've played the bhakti game with your names and idols thinking them to be you.

I live in You, You in me

"I have lost myself dwelling in You."

Only "Who Am I"

2009-02-14 20:28

I now find that what others call joy, or happiness, or life, is intolerable to me, for even a moment. I cannot deceive myself any longer, i cannot delay any longer. This is torment.

Enquiry, or "who am i" is happening all the time, it is becoming more and more of a habit.

Lord, Beloved Father, help me, this is your grace, let it continue till we are united. This absolutely has to be the last year.

2009-02-09

2009-02-09 12:39

Sweet Father
So this is how it is going to be.
I shall spend my life sitting quietly looking at you.
Do what you will.
And when I do get hold of your beloved Feet
i shall abandon life and this body and cling
to your feet.

Surely, my Lord, you sent me here to serve humanity
or do some good
But what did you know of me.
You made the mistake of showing me your face.
I am incapable of anything other than loving you
and waiting to die so I am united with you.

2009-02-08

2009-02-08 21:37

Even after all desires have gone, all earthly desires, and after all suffering related to desires has ceased, and one is free from earthly suffering, there is an even greater suffering.

The suffering of existence, of the mind -- the odd memory that flits by, the odd thought of a lonely future after one's parents are no more. An old melody, some old face ...
And then there is the suffering of all those around me, who are still tightly caged or smothered in their mental worlds.

Why this suffering feels even greater is because there are no temporary escapes. New clothes, a new car, a new camera or gizmo is not going to touch this sorrow.

I will never be able to love an individual again, like I once could, because the falsity of the whole thing has cleared up. There will never be any yearnings any longer that will drive me (drive me nuts) any longer. For both these, I deeply thank you, Lord.

However, to be honest, I am out of one world, but far far from another. Where is reality ? So I am between 2 worlds. With each possing moment I lose faith that there is really any other world.

Yet, I know there was no deception because the previous world was so false, and awareness is so real. In all this, I have only Your Feet, O Father, to make life bearable. Your loving eyes are the only lights in this universe.

WHY do you make it so difficult for your devotees, O Merciful Father ?
When Mirabai yearned for you, you told her to go to Vrindavan where she could worship you in peace. You could have pulled her up at that moment, but no ...

Today, I beg you to call me up but I am left with the prospect of having to wait decades for you to pick me up.

A prayer to our Mother

Enough, Mother, enough
You have tossed me around enough
You have played with me and dangled me over
the abyss that is my Beloved long enough
Now, let me fall into the fire
Let my Master consume me
My Master is hungry. It is long ... ages
since a devotee threw himself at His
holy feet. Let me fall there, so he may
eat to his heart's delight.

Grant me this one boon

Father,

It is time once again to re-live those days, when you first came and swept me off my feet.
Those wonderful first few days when I was born again. When you gave birth to me through your love-overflowing eyes.

Over the years, my love and yearning for You has only increased, but ... the pain of physical separation has had its toll. You are always with me, gushing with enough love that I have left this world behind. But I still yearn for the touch of your Feet, to hear your voice, to be rebuked by You, to serve you, to look upon you.

I have dropped all, all beliefs, all concepts, but I still love you, for you are my father. And you love me.

Day and night I yearn and beg for death to come, hoping it is the only way for me to reach you. Come, Father, glorious Ramana, drown me in you, drown me in your love. Your son is not afraid of shedding this body to reach you.

O Lord, I am no Mirabai, I can only copy her words and pretend to be Her for a few moments.

I Live In You

Unbreakable, O Lord,
Is the love
That binds me to You:
Like a diamond,
It breaks the hammer that strikes it.

My heart goes into You
As the polish goes into the gold.
As the lotus lives in its water,
I live in You.

Like the bird
That gazes all night
At the passing moon,
I have lost myself dwelling in You.

O my Beloved - Return.

-- Mirabai

To all those who can grant a boon, this is my last and final desire. Unite me permanently with my Holy Father, Sri Ramana. Nothing else.

2009-02-08 16:42

Lord, people find their joy in things of this world
What they see in it, i do not have eyes to
I find my joy in You, You are my love
my eternal love
your eyes are my favorite jewels
my eyes see only You

Waiting

Dear Father

Everything hinges on this that You will be there in the end. That when I leave this body, you will be there always and forever. I have abandoned all thoughts, concepts, beliefs, faiths etc as being useless. Nothing has brought me anything but false hopes.

Only in your eyes have I seen love, only in your words the truth.

Will I have to wait another 40 long years for union. What will I possibly do in this body that will be bearable? What can make existence bearing after looking into your eyes? After seeing the flood of your love?

waiting impatiently

Dear Father

I am waiting impatiently. I have only one wish left. To leave this body and return to You. That is all that makes sense or will satisfy. There is nothing in this world any longer than can ever attract me, or make sense even for a minute.

Each moment drags on like an aeon. When will you come, Father? Delay not, any further.

There is nothing else I want but You, O sweet Ramana.

Happy Birthday Father

2009-01-12 00:33

Today is your birthday. Actually, its already passed.

Beloved Father,
Now there is nothing in this world that can ever possibly attract me. Nothing
at all has any hold over me.

Let me *now* come to your Feet for ever.

I am done with this body and identity.

You keep smiling at me with intense love, and reminding me that you are my
papa. That I am your son. But when will you call me back. I want an end. The
final end.

"Know and always hold onto the Self.
Disregard the body and the mind.
To identify with them is misery.
Dive deep into the Heart,
the source of being and peace,
and establish yourself there."

2009-01-02

Beloved Father

I can't tell you how much I love You.
How happy I am to be your Son.

No matter what i have to bear or suffer, I will without blinking because, after
all, I am your Son. Even I were crucified, I would not flinch, because I am
Yours and will only return to You after this "life".

Lord, why do you want me to be in this body? Give me a clue ?
Is it just to take your name, to tell everyone that You exist, and that You
love everyone equally and without judgement.

Even though this is but a dream! You want this dream body to tell all these
other dream bodies that You love them.

Where are You, Father, and what are you doing?
How are you able to survive without me? I can't survive without You.


--

Father, why are you in so much pain, in all these millions of lives. Why are
you so lost, beloved gentle soul. Thanks to your grace, I am filling in love
with _every_ living creature, for each living creature is your own child, each
one of them is You and none other.

2009-01-02 23:58

Ok, I have my answer. I am not here for anything, enough of suffering already.