More ego attacks

Have been having major ego attacks. The ego/false self has only 2 thoughts -- to kill oneself, or to leave and go away. The major thought is to kill itself/I since it percieves hurdles to 'attaining realization'.

i try hard to enquire, to remember You, but it seems to be in vain at these times. The ego takes over completely.

But i have to enquire as much as possible, remain in "I AM", and surrender to You. Father. Today after many days, went to the park. Was listening to NarasimhaDev repeatedly.

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The more I strive to free myself, the more the ego rears its head.
If I do nothing, it wins too. Is there any victory? Only You can help, O Father, Only You can free me from this false Self, this suffering.

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It is the mind that doesn't want me to let go, to just be, for it's agenda will be compromised, let down. The mind/false I is afraid of losing its image, or tainting the image by my letting go. _I_ do not lose, the mind does. Not _I_.

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The seeker was a ruse created by the mind to keep control, to keep me from being, so it could keep me trapped.

I do not need the "I", i do not need to wait for any event to Be, i do not need anything.