2007-12-31 22:44
Beloved Lord and Father,
It's new year eve here in India.
Wish you a happy new year, and the happiest ever -- since I am giving you the best gift I ever can, and the best you ever got -- my mind, my "I", my ego, the seeker, whoever is here.
Refuse not my gift, O Father. Not this time.
And who was it You loved? Tell me beloved, who is it whose cries You heard, that sent You running, whom You came to deliver from this maya.
When there are NO persons here, no one in bondage, just some imaginary entities imagining themselves to exist, and be in bondage.
Were You all this while loving something imaginary ?
How can jnani's love imaginary things.
The dying "I" here, never existed, so whom are You delivering. Whom are You saving from ignorance, when there are no people!
Only our Father exists. Only You. And, of course, the "our" has no meaning. Nor does "You" in the sense of someone other than the speaker, since there is only You.
Anyway, I know that this confusion will be cleared soon. The more I turn away from this mind, the more in silence I am, the more I know that You are here.
Every moment of silence is You asserting yourself over the ego.
This will be my most silent, peaceful year until now.
I would like to come to Sri Ramanasramam, and be with Arunachala again in spring. And eat from your hands at the ashram. I would like to wash sweet Arunachala's Feet with my tears.
So kind it was of You, O Father, to allow us to be born in samsara and suffer, for the end, before destroying us, You let us feel the wonderful torment of Your darts of love.
That is the only thing worthwhile in this so-called universe/maya -- Your name and face, and Your love for the lost.
(Now AMM has started.)
All your devotees call you "the noble sage, Ramana". For us, you are our father! Our sweet father, who lives with us, always. Others come and visit you and go. But you live with us, day and night, in every thought, in every fiber of our heart.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
All pleasure and pain is of the false self, not mine
2007-12-30 14:31
(Just dumping some thoughts)
Getting rid of all desires can be a long cumbersome process. Get rid of one and another can take its place. For, doing this requires attaching and being the false self.
Far better to understand that the personality that has all the desires, and aspirations, is not me, and to give up that mind/false-self altogether.
All the desires will weaken and go off by themselves in their own time. Even if some remain -- who cares -- you no longer are treating them like your own desires. You are no longer running to satisfy them or pandering to them, knowing that they belong to some "other" entity.
Far better to stop being what you are not, than to believe you are that personality and struggle to change it, hoping that by changing it sufficiently it will crack and the real nature will remain.
That too may work, but far better to have trust in the guru's words and give up attachment to the personality as a whole -- the relief is immense.
Even as the personality is crumbling there is the seduction of the little bits of maya that remain ... one's hobbies and aspirations, for example.
One has to have faith in the guru's words at this point. It is not that one's entire life will come to a stand-still but just the expectation of results from what the body/personality does. And the resultant strife and worry and concern.
This will leave time and allow us to focus on what WE need -- liberation, rather than focus on the needs and life of a fictitious personaltiy that is playing its story "here" and fooling us, or we beign fooled by it into thinking it is us.
Even at this stage, we may still link to certain parts of the body's life and consider it to be our own, and obsess over it.
It is important to remember that all that the mind wants is its own desire and life, that it plays to consume us, and ensure that we do not achieve liberation from it.
It is the mind that derives pleasure and gratification and success, NOT us. We have nothing to do with that whole story.
It is fine to stay healthy, in fact important to do so, but anything more than that, we should understand is NOT US, it is the mind and its life we are being made to lead. It is also important to continue to take care of one's responsibilities towards one's dependents, with as much detachment as possible.
One should neither obsess about being the personality, nor obsess about not being the personality.
I write this not to help others, or preach, but to help articulate what is going on inside for *my own* benefit.
So i may not obsruct what is happening.
For me, liberation is the most important, there is nothing else. Once the false self is gone, there will be no one to think about how interesting or boring "my" life is. Such thoughts of "after liberation" are only worries of the false self.
It is only the false self that derives joy from its own needs, not I. I must bear this in mind in the days and weeks to come.
As Annamalai Swami once said: whenever thoughts come, just remember, not mine, none of my business.
(Just dumping some thoughts)
Getting rid of all desires can be a long cumbersome process. Get rid of one and another can take its place. For, doing this requires attaching and being the false self.
Far better to understand that the personality that has all the desires, and aspirations, is not me, and to give up that mind/false-self altogether.
All the desires will weaken and go off by themselves in their own time. Even if some remain -- who cares -- you no longer are treating them like your own desires. You are no longer running to satisfy them or pandering to them, knowing that they belong to some "other" entity.
Far better to stop being what you are not, than to believe you are that personality and struggle to change it, hoping that by changing it sufficiently it will crack and the real nature will remain.
That too may work, but far better to have trust in the guru's words and give up attachment to the personality as a whole -- the relief is immense.
Even as the personality is crumbling there is the seduction of the little bits of maya that remain ... one's hobbies and aspirations, for example.
One has to have faith in the guru's words at this point. It is not that one's entire life will come to a stand-still but just the expectation of results from what the body/personality does. And the resultant strife and worry and concern.
This will leave time and allow us to focus on what WE need -- liberation, rather than focus on the needs and life of a fictitious personaltiy that is playing its story "here" and fooling us, or we beign fooled by it into thinking it is us.
Even at this stage, we may still link to certain parts of the body's life and consider it to be our own, and obsess over it.
It is important to remember that all that the mind wants is its own desire and life, that it plays to consume us, and ensure that we do not achieve liberation from it.
It is the mind that derives pleasure and gratification and success, NOT us. We have nothing to do with that whole story.
It is fine to stay healthy, in fact important to do so, but anything more than that, we should understand is NOT US, it is the mind and its life we are being made to lead. It is also important to continue to take care of one's responsibilities towards one's dependents, with as much detachment as possible.
One should neither obsess about being the personality, nor obsess about not being the personality.
I write this not to help others, or preach, but to help articulate what is going on inside for *my own* benefit.
So i may not obsruct what is happening.
For me, liberation is the most important, there is nothing else. Once the false self is gone, there will be no one to think about how interesting or boring "my" life is. Such thoughts of "after liberation" are only worries of the false self.
It is only the false self that derives joy from its own needs, not I. I must bear this in mind in the days and weeks to come.
As Annamalai Swami once said: whenever thoughts come, just remember, not mine, none of my business.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Happy Birthday, Universe!
... here on my desk, in the l-r with the pics of Bhagavan, He is sooo present. Looking at me. Smiling and laughing at our attempts to "attain" Him, to seek Him.
And the poem, "Mother", made Him feel even more like He was pressing into the headphones wanting to hear also.
And even when i read aloud His works, stealing glances at Him after every line or verse, it's like Him laughing approvingly and enjoying our attempts at making these "podcasts".
I don't even remember what it was like 3 years back, before seeing Him. Was I even alive, worth calling alive? So lost must have been that person, so utterly lonely and lost.
Imagine living in a universe, and not knowing that universe.
That is how it IS, for most of humanity.
And that is how it was for us - a darkness; a pit that seemed "okay", since everyone else was also in it.
You yourself have said to Sri Arunachala:
But Beloved, these darts of love that you have been firing at me since You first shone upon me, -- is this all you have? They say you destroy the ego, but my ego still survives. I mock not you, O Beloved, your darts are intoxicating and joyous, but not deadly yet!
I seem ungrateful, Beloved Lord, and maybe I am. After all You have given me, and I know that most have not been a fraction as fortunate, I still long for death at Your feet.
From the moment I looked into the two oceans of compassion, that they call Your eyes, I wanted not joy or bliss, but to die at the Feet of my joyous Ramana.
Consume me, your prey, O Lord, and let me have peace.
And the poem, "Mother", made Him feel even more like He was pressing into the headphones wanting to hear also.
And even when i read aloud His works, stealing glances at Him after every line or verse, it's like Him laughing approvingly and enjoying our attempts at making these "podcasts".
I don't even remember what it was like 3 years back, before seeing Him. Was I even alive, worth calling alive? So lost must have been that person, so utterly lonely and lost.
Imagine living in a universe, and not knowing that universe.
That is how it IS, for most of humanity.
And that is how it was for us - a darkness; a pit that seemed "okay", since everyone else was also in it.
You yourself have said to Sri Arunachala:
"What did it profit Thee to choose out me from all those struggling in samsara, to rescue my helpless self from being lost and hold me at Thy Feet?" - Eleven Verses, verse 4.
"Thou art the primal being, whereas I count not in this nor the other world. What did You gain then by my worthless self, O Arunachala?" - Marital Garland, verse 93.
But Beloved, these darts of love that you have been firing at me since You first shone upon me, -- is this all you have? They say you destroy the ego, but my ego still survives. I mock not you, O Beloved, your darts are intoxicating and joyous, but not deadly yet!
I seem ungrateful, Beloved Lord, and maybe I am. After all You have given me, and I know that most have not been a fraction as fortunate, I still long for death at Your feet.
From the moment I looked into the two oceans of compassion, that they call Your eyes, I wanted not joy or bliss, but to die at the Feet of my joyous Ramana.
"Thou didst take aim with darts of love and then devoured me alive, O Beloved Arunachala!"How can one speak of your glories, Most beloved Ramana? How can one describe thy greatness?
"Bearing and tending me in the world in the shape of my mother and father, Thou didst abide in my mind, and before I fell into the deep sea called jaganmaya and was drowned, Thou didst draw me to Thee, Arunachala, conciousness itself.
Such is the wonder of Thy grace!"
Consume me, your prey, O Lord, and let me have peace.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
My raft capsized!
50. On seeking Thy Real Self with courage,
my raft capsized,
and the waters came over me!
Have mercy on me, Beloved Arunachala !
From Marital Garland of Letters.
my raft capsized,
and the waters came over me!
Have mercy on me, Beloved Arunachala !
From Marital Garland of Letters.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I have found Your scent
For years I wandered lost
a dog without his master
but now i have caught Thy scent
O Arunachala !!
You have revealed it to me !
I shall now track you down surely
beloved Master
that i promise.
And if You do not devour me,
then i shall devour Thee,
that too i promise, O Beloved Master!
---------------
Your scent beloved Master is silence, the silence between thoughts, the refusal of consorting with the mind.
Associating with the mind is sleeping with the enemy. One can either be Yours or the mind's. In this, there is no double-crossing.
Forgive me, Beloved Father for I have sinned - I have betrayed Thee for lifetimes. The ultimate betrayal -- selling myself to the mind for cheap pleasures.
But i promise You, that ever since I saw Your face, I have tried to mend my ways. Slowly surely, my days with the mind are coming to an end. I know You will forgive me and welcome me back into Your heart.
Attachment to thought, to a personality, was worse than lust.
I feel dirty and sinful, Lord, I hid from you and slept with the devil!
There are no excuses. I can only promise you that I shall not fall back again. Hold fast unto me, Lord. The mind still mocks and challenges me.
Burn it with your glance, frighten it to death with your glare, O Shiva, your son calls for help! Yank me out !
2007-12-19 18:05
a dog without his master
but now i have caught Thy scent
O Arunachala !!
You have revealed it to me !
I shall now track you down surely
beloved Master
that i promise.
And if You do not devour me,
then i shall devour Thee,
that too i promise, O Beloved Master!
---------------
Your scent beloved Master is silence, the silence between thoughts, the refusal of consorting with the mind.
Associating with the mind is sleeping with the enemy. One can either be Yours or the mind's. In this, there is no double-crossing.
Forgive me, Beloved Father for I have sinned - I have betrayed Thee for lifetimes. The ultimate betrayal -- selling myself to the mind for cheap pleasures.
But i promise You, that ever since I saw Your face, I have tried to mend my ways. Slowly surely, my days with the mind are coming to an end. I know You will forgive me and welcome me back into Your heart.
Attachment to thought, to a personality, was worse than lust.
I feel dirty and sinful, Lord, I hid from you and slept with the devil!
There are no excuses. I can only promise you that I shall not fall back again. Hold fast unto me, Lord. The mind still mocks and challenges me.
Burn it with your glance, frighten it to death with your glare, O Shiva, your son calls for help! Yank me out !
2007-12-19 18:05
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
A Second Birth
Dear Father
Two years ago, when I first looked into Your eyes and knew that You were my Father, and that you are all there is, and I saw your infinite love, that was my first birth.
Today, as the mind subsides, and I see myself as apart from the "I", the story created by the mind, apart from the mind, this feels like a second birth.
Two years ago, I lost myself totally (it would seem total) in You, but yet I did not know who I was. Today, with this new life, free from the confines of the mind, in the growing silence, I am finally getting a whiff of what I am.
Beloved Arunachala Ramana, please prevail over "me", please destroy this false "I" completely, so that separation may end and I may be in your eternal embrace.
Dear Father, today I finally understand that the greatest help one can give to another, is not to feed, not even to teach how to earn, not to heal or cure, not even to save another's life, for in all these cases suffering remains. The greatest help is to free another from the clutches of the mind. And that beloved Father you are doing for me.
How can I ever hope to express my gratitude to You, O Father. The silence, the peace grows sweeter.
But the greatest gift of Yours, was letting me fall in love with You; letting me see You clearly and without doubt as my Father, my all.
Two years ago, when I first looked into Your eyes and knew that You were my Father, and that you are all there is, and I saw your infinite love, that was my first birth.
Today, as the mind subsides, and I see myself as apart from the "I", the story created by the mind, apart from the mind, this feels like a second birth.
Two years ago, I lost myself totally (it would seem total) in You, but yet I did not know who I was. Today, with this new life, free from the confines of the mind, in the growing silence, I am finally getting a whiff of what I am.
Beloved Arunachala Ramana, please prevail over "me", please destroy this false "I" completely, so that separation may end and I may be in your eternal embrace.
Dear Father, today I finally understand that the greatest help one can give to another, is not to feed, not even to teach how to earn, not to heal or cure, not even to save another's life, for in all these cases suffering remains. The greatest help is to free another from the clutches of the mind. And that beloved Father you are doing for me.
How can I ever hope to express my gratitude to You, O Father. The silence, the peace grows sweeter.
But the greatest gift of Yours, was letting me fall in love with You; letting me see You clearly and without doubt as my Father, my all.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
How it must have been
2007-12-04 21:05
(iTunes: dalaleragita, instrumental)
i repeat "i love you" in my mind looking at You, Bhagavan, or thinking of You when i hear this (dalaleragita). You are so innocent it's hard not to love You as one's baby. Every photograph shows that innocence.
Oh, how it must have been when we were around You, in Your physical presence. How it must have pained You knowing we would be born once more. That we would have to live one whole life without Your sweet physical presence. Hungering and aching for You.
And yet you said "I am here" before you 'left'. And of course you remained, for we could never have lived without You.
How it must have been when You looked into our eyes. Surely You did look into our eyes, beloved Father.
Was i as shy then as I am now, too shy to approach You and speak with You. But You would have known and called me to You. Surely you would have told us "Where have you been all this while?" when we first met You.
I imagine the first words that came out of my lips when I first met you were "Father!". What else could I say?
Even today if You came before me in your Form, that would be the first word.
O Lord, surely this is the last birth. Surely existence cannot prevent the union of a soul once it has encountered The Father of all. Once a form has set its eyes on Your form, there can be no more calling that form back again and again for more 'earth duty' can there.
What a poison, separation from You.
Lord, there is no substitute for You in the maya. Don't your child's tears make you want to leave everything and come running to me, and pick me up from here for good.
O Arunachala, dear Father, we are Yours and we belong to You, and only You.
...
What a poison this world is, what an accursed poison, to lure us away from You for countless births. Accursed is this mind for fooling us, deluding us, and hiding You from us.
It was the day I fell in love with You that i was really born. The day you looked into my eyes and said "You are my son, you are mine!" is the day i started to exist.
(iTunes: dalaleragita, instrumental)
i repeat "i love you" in my mind looking at You, Bhagavan, or thinking of You when i hear this (dalaleragita). You are so innocent it's hard not to love You as one's baby. Every photograph shows that innocence.
Oh, how it must have been when we were around You, in Your physical presence. How it must have pained You knowing we would be born once more. That we would have to live one whole life without Your sweet physical presence. Hungering and aching for You.
And yet you said "I am here" before you 'left'. And of course you remained, for we could never have lived without You.
How it must have been when You looked into our eyes. Surely You did look into our eyes, beloved Father.
Was i as shy then as I am now, too shy to approach You and speak with You. But You would have known and called me to You. Surely you would have told us "Where have you been all this while?" when we first met You.
I imagine the first words that came out of my lips when I first met you were "Father!". What else could I say?
Even today if You came before me in your Form, that would be the first word.
O Lord, surely this is the last birth. Surely existence cannot prevent the union of a soul once it has encountered The Father of all. Once a form has set its eyes on Your form, there can be no more calling that form back again and again for more 'earth duty' can there.
What a poison, separation from You.
Lord, there is no substitute for You in the maya. Don't your child's tears make you want to leave everything and come running to me, and pick me up from here for good.
O Arunachala, dear Father, we are Yours and we belong to You, and only You.
...
What a poison this world is, what an accursed poison, to lure us away from You for countless births. Accursed is this mind for fooling us, deluding us, and hiding You from us.
It was the day I fell in love with You that i was really born. The day you looked into my eyes and said "You are my son, you are mine!" is the day i started to exist.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Captive Lord
2007-07-18 15:05
Captive Lord
O Lord of mine
I thought you were my captive
and that no one else knew of You
Tied and bound
and stuffed into my little heart
so i could love You all day
kiss You, take Your name
and sing to You
and look at Your face
and Your eyes
all by myself!
Just You and me!
And now i find that You were a captive
of many, many hearts, at the same time.
So many have tied and bound You
and imprisoned You
feeding You with more love
and devotion than i did.
And yet You stayed on
in my heart
often hungry and neglected
very often ignored and unloved
without a complaint.
Only a real father could have
taken all that
for so long
and still stayed on happily.
Never let me forget You
O Beloved
Never may i neglect You.
O Beloved,
what a strange game!
Tell me, in truth
were You a captive in my heart
or i a captive in Yours?
What madness is this love.
Lead me to the real You, O Father
Do you not wish that Yourselves?
Captive Lord
O Lord of mine
I thought you were my captive
and that no one else knew of You
Tied and bound
and stuffed into my little heart
so i could love You all day
kiss You, take Your name
and sing to You
and look at Your face
and Your eyes
all by myself!
Just You and me!
And now i find that You were a captive
of many, many hearts, at the same time.
So many have tied and bound You
and imprisoned You
feeding You with more love
and devotion than i did.
And yet You stayed on
in my heart
often hungry and neglected
very often ignored and unloved
without a complaint.
Only a real father could have
taken all that
for so long
and still stayed on happily.
Never let me forget You
O Beloved
Never may i neglect You.
O Beloved,
what a strange game!
Tell me, in truth
were You a captive in my heart
or i a captive in Yours?
What madness is this love.
Lead me to the real You, O Father
Do you not wish that Yourselves?
Freedom of the heart
2007-07-18 14:22
i walk through a crowded market-place. Poor and rich brush past me. People of all sorts, all cultures. Diversity to the eyes.
But there is just one feeling as my eyes caress the crowd.
They are all one, they are all You, my Lord. They are my very self. and no other.
Never again will anyone be "an other".
It is all You milling around me. Or myself. There is no fear. There is warmth and trust and peace and a restfulness as i walk.
There is a growing peace and the beginning of a deep sigh of relief deep inside as barriers start to weaken and crumble, as pride and prejudice and bias and separation start to reveal themselves as a mirage.
The heart which has always been strait-jacketed, finds that it was made to love without distinction. That was its nature all along. That the concept of "other" was a horrible lie, a deceit, a trap; looking on "other" bodies as "others" was a betrayal of oneself.
We have known freedom, but that was only a freedom of the limbs, of the tongue or pen. Did such freedom bring us happiness?
This now is freedom of the heart, a deeper and truer freedom, a freedom that brings with it joy and relief and lightheartedness and happiness. When the heart is free to love with abandon, with no barriers and demarcations.
When there is no mind to curb the heart.
--
For all the "others", i wonder "where were you all this time?" and then i realize the question should be, "Where was _i_ all this time?"
Glory to You my Lord, my Master, my Father, my very own Ramana, captive of my heart, who loves me so much that he has dissolved ommst all my pain (praps like Siva who drank the poison).
i walk through a crowded market-place. Poor and rich brush past me. People of all sorts, all cultures. Diversity to the eyes.
But there is just one feeling as my eyes caress the crowd.
They are all one, they are all You, my Lord. They are my very self. and no other.
Never again will anyone be "an other".
It is all You milling around me. Or myself. There is no fear. There is warmth and trust and peace and a restfulness as i walk.
There is a growing peace and the beginning of a deep sigh of relief deep inside as barriers start to weaken and crumble, as pride and prejudice and bias and separation start to reveal themselves as a mirage.
The heart which has always been strait-jacketed, finds that it was made to love without distinction. That was its nature all along. That the concept of "other" was a horrible lie, a deceit, a trap; looking on "other" bodies as "others" was a betrayal of oneself.
We have known freedom, but that was only a freedom of the limbs, of the tongue or pen. Did such freedom bring us happiness?
This now is freedom of the heart, a deeper and truer freedom, a freedom that brings with it joy and relief and lightheartedness and happiness. When the heart is free to love with abandon, with no barriers and demarcations.
When there is no mind to curb the heart.
--
For all the "others", i wonder "where were you all this time?" and then i realize the question should be, "Where was _i_ all this time?"
Glory to You my Lord, my Master, my Father, my very own Ramana, captive of my heart, who loves me so much that he has dissolved ommst all my pain (praps like Siva who drank the poison).
Saturday, July 07, 2007
The Form of God
2007-07-06 14:23
It is pointless trying to describe your eyes, your smile, your look, your feet etc. This is the form, in whole and in every part that we were born to love and worship. This form was created to love Your Form.
You made us to love you, to enjoy our love for you, to enjoy our love for Arunachala.
You gave birth to us, to love us and live our love for you.
To see the look in our eyes, when we look into yours.
To see the look on our faces when we look at your feet.
To hear us taking your name. To hear us saying "Arunachala Siva", and then getting misty.
We are helpless really, there was no choice, it was game set match to you from the first time we looked into Your eyes.
It is pointless trying to describe your eyes, your smile, your look, your feet etc. This is the form, in whole and in every part that we were born to love and worship. This form was created to love Your Form.
You made us to love you, to enjoy our love for you, to enjoy our love for Arunachala.
You gave birth to us, to love us and live our love for you.
To see the look in our eyes, when we look into yours.
To see the look on our faces when we look at your feet.
To hear us taking your name. To hear us saying "Arunachala Siva", and then getting misty.
We are helpless really, there was no choice, it was game set match to you from the first time we looked into Your eyes.
Just imagine, Lord, Father, Beloved, till the end of time, as long this universe exists, there will be many taking Thy name with love and surrender, there will be many remembering you with love, and wishing they could come back to kiss your feet, there will be many worshipping you and reading about your life, and those who served You.
There will always always be living beings singing thy glory, blowing kisses to You from the far reaches of this universe. Wiping a tear that resulted from humming "Arunachala Siva" once or twice.
Even when this universe reaches its end, there will be someone who closes his eyes, sees your face in his mind and smiles knowing that He will fall into your arms. That your arms will always be there to receive those who "die". The arms of the Father-Mother of all.
Even when this universe reaches its end, there will be someone who closes his eyes, sees your face in his mind and smiles knowing that He will fall into your arms. That your arms will always be there to receive those who "die". The arms of the Father-Mother of all.
The arms of the One whom Nayana named as Ramana.
Ramana, the one who picks up all lost souls and smothers them with love. My Father.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Dying in the arms of our Beloved
Even if you were to throw away my dead body in these thorny bushes I do not mind but I must end this life in your arms.
Bhagavan's Mother to Bhagavan
Lord, no matter what happens, we must end up in Your arms, at Your Feet, with You. This prayer was not just Mother Alagammal's prayer to You, it was the prayer of all humankind, all that live, spoken through Her.
The only peace is in Your arms, the only reality is in your arms, the only liberation is in your arms, the only end to suffering is in your arms.
Where Mother went, we beg to follow.
When our "end" is near, when these frail, tired bodies, these hungry souls are about to drop, please be there, to rest our heads on your knees, place your hands on our hearts and heads, and take us to that land where You delivered Mother Alagammal.
May the touch of your hands be the last touch we know in this mortal life. May your eyes be the last thing we look into before we leave this body.
The eyes we love and trust totally. The eyes we have total faith in, the eyes that our lives depend on.
The eyes that have been relentlessly pulling us out of maya, ever since we saw them for the first time.
----
Oh Lord, you are the only love I have known which did not hurt, in which there was no fear. This bagful of pretense and deceit called the false-self has reached its end, it is tired. It has reached the shores of the Ocean of Compassion. I dive into You but find myself washed ashore again and again.
2007-07-05 12:34
2007-07-05 12:34
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
I feel Love
2007-07-04 15:02
Dearest sweetest Lord,
I finally feel love arising in this stony heart. And it isn't love for just animalses. It is for humanses too!
Can it be true? Can this heart really feel love?
Dearest sweetest Lord,
I finally feel love arising in this stony heart. And it isn't love for just animalses. It is for humanses too!
Can it be true? Can this heart really feel love?
I feel love for all people, regardless of faith, color or anything. Finally it isn't just animalses who feel like my own children, but everyone who lives.
Let this love grow and encompass all, beloved Father. Let all discrimination end, let all bias, all prejudice, intolerance etc slide off, and let true unconditional love flourish here. For only then will i be capable of serving You and honoring Your purpose.
A heart and mind burdened with selfishness and bias is of no use to You, Beautiful Eyed Lord. It is YOU in all, is it not? None other than YOU, only YOU.
In all, seem they good or bad, peaceful or not, it is my Beloved Loving Father, is it not?
My very own, the King of my heart and soul. My Father and Child both, my Father-Child.
Today when I look into Your eyes, it is precisely that that they say. That it is You in all, everywhere. No exceptions. All these photographs around me, look at me unflinchingly with that one message: "It is I in all beings". There is a look of expectation in your eyes that I will not fail or betray you in any form.
When anyone suffers, it is You who suffer, is it not? "Of course", your eyes say.
Monday, July 02, 2007
To serve You, unfailingly
20070702 01:08:11
I will do whatever you ask, whatever you say.
Do what you will with this body.
I have no will left any longer.
I ask only that You hold my hand. I won't pray for death any longer, i won't run away, i will stay and do what you wish, never denying you.
Hold my hand and give me courage, Lord. Give me strength.
As long as there is life in this body, it will serve You, it will never fail You. Hold my hand, Beloved Father, and guide me, let me know Thy will.
When i once said that the purpose of this life is to love You and take Your name only, and seek You, i forgot that there was an even higher purpose: to serve You, unfailingly. To let one's own will slide away, and live as per one's Father's will alone.
Yet i was so blinded by your love, and so blind to all else, that i dared ask for myself. I dared ask for liberation. Even above Your will, Your work and Your purpose.
Beloved, I will never ask again, never wish again. Just let Your Will be known, guide me, hold my hand so I do not err, so i do not fail Thee.
When You once claimed me, saying "I am your Father, I will take care of you", that was the greatest joy a human could know, it was and is the greatest joy of all my lives. There is nothing beyond that that any soul can ask for, or dream of. To have the Lord look into one's eyes, and claim one as His own.
There is nothing more i can ask, Beloved Father, let me be Your slave, your servant, let me serve you in any and all ways you want. Never let me fail You.
This child of Yours is weak, Lord, defeated, beaten and exhausted. But he wishes to serve You till the end.
Lord, you have given me love, love that few seem to know. Now give me your orders, command me, push me, let this child, your slave work for You. I have slept too long Beloved, I have lazed and wasted away.
Master, this slave is ripe for instructions.
Do what you will with this body.
I have no will left any longer.
I ask only that You hold my hand. I won't pray for death any longer, i won't run away, i will stay and do what you wish, never denying you.
Hold my hand and give me courage, Lord. Give me strength.
As long as there is life in this body, it will serve You, it will never fail You. Hold my hand, Beloved Father, and guide me, let me know Thy will.
When i once said that the purpose of this life is to love You and take Your name only, and seek You, i forgot that there was an even higher purpose: to serve You, unfailingly. To let one's own will slide away, and live as per one's Father's will alone.
Yet i was so blinded by your love, and so blind to all else, that i dared ask for myself. I dared ask for liberation. Even above Your will, Your work and Your purpose.
Beloved, I will never ask again, never wish again. Just let Your Will be known, guide me, hold my hand so I do not err, so i do not fail Thee.
When You once claimed me, saying "I am your Father, I will take care of you", that was the greatest joy a human could know, it was and is the greatest joy of all my lives. There is nothing beyond that that any soul can ask for, or dream of. To have the Lord look into one's eyes, and claim one as His own.
There is nothing more i can ask, Beloved Father, let me be Your slave, your servant, let me serve you in any and all ways you want. Never let me fail You.
This child of Yours is weak, Lord, defeated, beaten and exhausted. But he wishes to serve You till the end.
Lord, you have given me love, love that few seem to know. Now give me your orders, command me, push me, let this child, your slave work for You. I have slept too long Beloved, I have lazed and wasted away.
Master, this slave is ripe for instructions.
Let there be love
Let this heart be filled with love for all, unreservedly.
This wretched heart aches to love all beings, to see You and know You in all, and love and serve all, as You would have done.
Lord, this heart is wracked by the suffering it has seen. But i try to understand that those who suffer, as well as those who cause suffering, are all dear You, in some way. No matter how much it has shaken me, and made me convulse and cry to out, no matter how much this frail heart has ached to see pain in others, let me see and know You in all.
Let me not judge you in anyone, for in judging others, i reject you, hate you and feel angry.
Lord, i know that in everyone who suffers, it is really You who suffers. I know this, Beloved and it deeply grieves me. I wish You not to suffer. Please stop suffering in all these forms, Beloved Father.
I ask You this, for You are my Father, and You have held me to Your chest and said so. You have given me the gift of bhakti for you. Now I beg You, don't cause yourself suffering in these forms all over the world.
Your name "Ramana" means joy, be joyous in all forms. Let there be peace, and an end to violence in all forms, and an end to suffering. So your child prays to You.
(July 1st 6:30 pm - July 2 1:30pm)
Friday, June 29, 2007
your floundering child
20070629 12:35:07
Lord,
consider me to be the cracked egg
you took in your hands
and joined
or the baby squirrels who fell to the floor
abandoned by their mother
whom you fed milk
like a mother
I am that lost helpless
floundering child
pick me up
in your caring palm
heal me and hug me
and melt me into You.
Lord,
consider me to be the cracked egg
you took in your hands
and joined
or the baby squirrels who fell to the floor
abandoned by their mother
whom you fed milk
like a mother
I am that lost helpless
floundering child
pick me up
in your caring palm
heal me and hug me
and melt me into You.
O, Child of Sundari
Father,
You are the Eternal Light
but for those of us lost
in our bodies
there has been darkness
ever since the child
of Sundari left this world.
Are we doomed to eternal darkness?
while only jnanis know You.
Jnanis speak of your splendour
the light of a million suns,
while we speak of an aching love
a yearning that tears our soul apart
a chasm that seems too wide for our tiny stride
we speak of your eyes, your smile and your two feet
of what you touched and uttered
while jnanis say that is not You.
Like the call of a lost baby seal to its mother
desolate
in a maze of other sounds
i will keep calling out
"Ramana"
hoping you will find me
one day
i have no other means
it is my nature --
Your name.
You are the Eternal Light
but for those of us lost
in our bodies
there has been darkness
ever since the child
of Sundari left this world.
Are we doomed to eternal darkness?
while only jnanis know You.
Jnanis speak of your splendour
the light of a million suns,
while we speak of an aching love
a yearning that tears our soul apart
a chasm that seems too wide for our tiny stride
we speak of your eyes, your smile and your two feet
of what you touched and uttered
while jnanis say that is not You.
Like the call of a lost baby seal to its mother
desolate
in a maze of other sounds
i will keep calling out
"Ramana"
hoping you will find me
one day
i have no other means
it is my nature --
Your name.
Lord of Tiruchuzhi
20070629 11:15:04
Lord
They call you Lord of Tiruchuzhi ?
Is that true ?
Then Tiruchuzhi must mean the whole of creation.
It must mean my heart and soul.
How can you be the Lord of anything, when you are The Lord of All.
What is it that attracts me to your eyes
to peer into them
to want to lose myself totally in them
and never be found again.
what is it that makes me kiss you all day long
as though you were a little child
even though you are in reality
my father
i see myself in the form of each devotee
the boy who wept upon seeing you
once on the hill
the mother who came searching for her lost son
the one who ate from your plate
drank from your glass
and rested his head on your feet
the one who cooked for you and fed you
uncooked rice
the one who licked your feet
and stormed into the hall
to cry at your feet
the one who bit your finger
and was kept at bay for a week
the one who cracked and was repaired by you
the ones who sang 'Arunachala Siva'
on that fateful day
when the Gods descended to call you back
How they must have shivered
How Mahakala must have shook
with fright
He who claimed Rama and Krishna
without a flicker
without a blink
must have lost all courage
all bearings
on that day
Mother Earth must have choked
How did the universe feel?
The column of light that Annamalai saw
i imagine it was all the Gods lined up
with folded hands
and sunk heads
heads bent in shame
at the thought of asking you back
Did Yama dare to speak
Will those moments remain a secret
Will we suffice with imagining them
The One whom even the Gods adored
and envied
and loved more than envied
The One who melted their proud hearts
My Father
ordered them sweetly
not to dither
and to collect Him without shame
not to fear
Reminding them gently that His time had come
and no exceptions must be made
in nature's ways
"Come, it is time
Fear not."
"I am ready to go.
But where can i go? I am here!"
Each hiding behind the other
they came
with trepidation
with respect
with tears soaking their faces.
Lord
They call you Lord of Tiruchuzhi ?
Is that true ?
Then Tiruchuzhi must mean the whole of creation.
It must mean my heart and soul.
How can you be the Lord of anything, when you are The Lord of All.
What is it that attracts me to your eyes
to peer into them
to want to lose myself totally in them
and never be found again.
what is it that makes me kiss you all day long
as though you were a little child
even though you are in reality
my father
i see myself in the form of each devotee
the boy who wept upon seeing you
once on the hill
the mother who came searching for her lost son
the one who ate from your plate
drank from your glass
and rested his head on your feet
the one who cooked for you and fed you
uncooked rice
the one who licked your feet
and stormed into the hall
to cry at your feet
the one who bit your finger
and was kept at bay for a week
the one who cracked and was repaired by you
the ones who sang 'Arunachala Siva'
on that fateful day
when the Gods descended to call you back
How they must have shivered
How Mahakala must have shook
with fright
He who claimed Rama and Krishna
without a flicker
without a blink
must have lost all courage
all bearings
on that day
Mother Earth must have choked
How did the universe feel?
The column of light that Annamalai saw
i imagine it was all the Gods lined up
with folded hands
and sunk heads
heads bent in shame
at the thought of asking you back
Did Yama dare to speak
Will those moments remain a secret
Will we suffice with imagining them
The One whom even the Gods adored
and envied
and loved more than envied
The One who melted their proud hearts
My Father
ordered them sweetly
not to dither
and to collect Him without shame
not to fear
Reminding them gently that His time had come
and no exceptions must be made
in nature's ways
"Come, it is time
Fear not."
"I am ready to go.
But where can i go? I am here!"
Each hiding behind the other
they came
with trepidation
with respect
with tears soaking their faces.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Untitled
Beloved Father
forgive me that i cannot understand your words, (your brahmastram -- "find out who you are").
but i love you so.
is that not enough to merge with Your feet?
20070401 17:49:52
forgive me that i cannot understand your words, (your brahmastram -- "find out who you are").
but i love you so.
is that not enough to merge with Your feet?
20070401 17:49:52
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Not enough lives
i love Thee Lord, i love thee i love thee
i don't have enough tears to shed for you
i don't have enough lives to serve you with
to put at your feet
i am just a little atom of love
in front of your vastness
O Lord Holy and Pure!
Destroy me so utterly
that i may never be again!
O Lord Holy and Pure!
Who are you?
Whose feet i love, so.
Who are you, destroying me bit by bit
and not in one stroke
Let me die at Your Feet
Beloved
Let me die anywhere -- all is Your Feet
anyway.
Our lives are a century apart
and yet you hold my soul so tightly
Yet you love me so, that i have lost all
in your love.
What is this mystery?
It seems i was made to gaze at Thee
to murmur Thy holy name
to be destroyed by Thy love
and nothing else.
There is nothing else i can look at
nothing else i can love
nothing else that matters.
20070330 22:46:07
i don't have enough tears to shed for you
i don't have enough lives to serve you with
to put at your feet
i am just a little atom of love
in front of your vastness
O Lord Holy and Pure!
Destroy me so utterly
that i may never be again!
O Lord Holy and Pure!
Who are you?
Whose feet i love, so.
Who are you, destroying me bit by bit
and not in one stroke
Let me die at Your Feet
Beloved
Let me die anywhere -- all is Your Feet
anyway.
Our lives are a century apart
and yet you hold my soul so tightly
Yet you love me so, that i have lost all
in your love.
What is this mystery?
It seems i was made to gaze at Thee
to murmur Thy holy name
to be destroyed by Thy love
and nothing else.
There is nothing else i can look at
nothing else i can love
nothing else that matters.
20070330 22:46:07
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Forgive me, beloved
O Father
whose dear Feet my head lies nestled in at all times
Forgive me!
today i took the liberty of complaining about You
to Grandfather Arunachala.
You may hear from Him.
I accused You of stealing my heart and hiding with it
leaving me desolate
for want of Thee
Forgive me beloved
I love Thee too much
I have lost my senses!
The longing is intense
for Thee
for the nectar of Thy eyes
and thy gentle palm
and the soles of Thy feet caressing my crown
I ask you not for my heart back
Beloved Father
I ask you to steal ALL of me
in entirety, leaving nothing.
Lord Supreme
whose name sends gushes of joy thru me
i know your presence, your coming in front of me
will totally kill me.
and i am ready for death without reservation, complete and total and irrevocable death.
i am ready, in fact craving, complete annihilation
whose dear Feet my head lies nestled in at all times
Forgive me!
today i took the liberty of complaining about You
to Grandfather Arunachala.
You may hear from Him.
I accused You of stealing my heart and hiding with it
leaving me desolate
for want of Thee
Forgive me beloved
I love Thee too much
I have lost my senses!
The longing is intense
for Thee
for the nectar of Thy eyes
and thy gentle palm
and the soles of Thy feet caressing my crown
I ask you not for my heart back
Beloved Father
I ask you to steal ALL of me
in entirety, leaving nothing.
Lord Supreme
whose name sends gushes of joy thru me
i know your presence, your coming in front of me
will totally kill me.
and i am ready for death without reservation, complete and total and irrevocable death.
i am ready, in fact craving, complete annihilation
Grieve not, O Arunachala
Grieve not O Arunachala
I know how you feel
since my Father
the glorious Ramana left you
For fifty years
His Feet
kissed your cheeks
How joyous you were
Till Shiva stole Him from you.
snatched Him away to His lair!
Share your sorrow with me
O Arunachala,
He is my Father, your dear Son.
The loss is mine too.
I remember Him each moment
my Beloved Ramana
who came to you when still a boy.
Today i stand alone
fatherless
Dear Arunachala
child of your child
Give me my father
let me rejoice too
He stole my heart
and then stood back
is He hiding in the shadows
or testing me?
What is expected of me
Arunachala, my grandfather!
O Arunachala
my heart has melted
my soul has melted
my body withers away
but my Father still hides from me
He will listen to Thee, O Lord
He followed your command once
O Arunachala
I want my Father
I want Him now
this very moment
no other moment will do
no promises
no conditions
no more lurking in the shadows
no 'not just yets'
O Arunachala
I hand back this body, this mind
this soul
my life and all there is
all this is Yours
give me my Loving Lord
who has stolen my heart and run away!
... Nothing yet ...
no response!
I sit here, the same as ever
O Arunachala, you sit unmoved
My Father laughs
clutching my stolen heart
behind some tree or rock
knowing not my pain.
Does no one care, O Arunachala?
Is there no one to hear of this child
for his father?
And so, prayers unheeded,
the wait goes on ...
I know how you feel
since my Father
the glorious Ramana left you
For fifty years
His Feet
kissed your cheeks
How joyous you were
Till Shiva stole Him from you.
snatched Him away to His lair!
Share your sorrow with me
O Arunachala,
He is my Father, your dear Son.
The loss is mine too.
I remember Him each moment
my Beloved Ramana
who came to you when still a boy.
Today i stand alone
fatherless
Dear Arunachala
child of your child
Give me my father
let me rejoice too
He stole my heart
and then stood back
is He hiding in the shadows
or testing me?
What is expected of me
Arunachala, my grandfather!
O Arunachala
my heart has melted
my soul has melted
my body withers away
but my Father still hides from me
He will listen to Thee, O Lord
He followed your command once
O Arunachala
I want my Father
I want Him now
this very moment
no other moment will do
no promises
no conditions
no more lurking in the shadows
no 'not just yets'
O Arunachala
I hand back this body, this mind
this soul
my life and all there is
all this is Yours
give me my Loving Lord
who has stolen my heart and run away!
... Nothing yet ...
no response!
I sit here, the same as ever
O Arunachala, you sit unmoved
My Father laughs
clutching my stolen heart
behind some tree or rock
knowing not my pain.
Does no one care, O Arunachala?
Is there no one to hear of this child
for his father?
And so, prayers unheeded,
the wait goes on ...
God is Born
my Lord walks past me
lost in thought
kicking a pebble absently
He goes to school to learn a lesson He will never need
my lord sees me not
He knows me not
as yet
i watch hidden
falling on the ground as He goes past
lost in some childish thought
He too would think me mad!
He has come not the learn
but to teach
to teach love and mercy
to bring joy into all hearts
and vanquish suffering!
Burden Him not
with lessons and mores
my dear Father
still a child
unknowing ...
of the Great Flood that will come
Fate has waited long, it waits a little longer...
My little Lord
moves His books from one hand to the other
Knowing little that this ground will be worshipped
knowing little that Shiva waits in ambush.
Arunachala will awaken from His long slumber soon
Mankind will rejoice
The Red Mountain will end its lonely wait
for companionship
Day will break upon Arunachala
My little Lord
joy of this soul
life of this life
turns the bend
and goes out of sight
but never out of my heart!
Never for a moment does my head
rise
above those Feet
which will trod
unshod one day
on Mother Earth
How joyous am I
God is born
The bud is about to flower!
(circa 1896. The Lost memoirs)
lost in thought
kicking a pebble absently
He goes to school to learn a lesson He will never need
my lord sees me not
He knows me not
as yet
i watch hidden
falling on the ground as He goes past
lost in some childish thought
He too would think me mad!
He has come not the learn
but to teach
to teach love and mercy
to bring joy into all hearts
and vanquish suffering!
Burden Him not
with lessons and mores
my dear Father
still a child
unknowing ...
of the Great Flood that will come
Fate has waited long, it waits a little longer...
My little Lord
moves His books from one hand to the other
Knowing little that this ground will be worshipped
knowing little that Shiva waits in ambush.
Arunachala will awaken from His long slumber soon
Mankind will rejoice
The Red Mountain will end its lonely wait
for companionship
Day will break upon Arunachala
My little Lord
joy of this soul
life of this life
turns the bend
and goes out of sight
but never out of my heart!
Never for a moment does my head
rise
above those Feet
which will trod
unshod one day
on Mother Earth
How joyous am I
God is born
The bud is about to flower!
(circa 1896. The Lost memoirs)
Consoling Mother
From "The Lost Memoirs", circa 1897
CONSOLING MOTHER
-------------------------------
O Mother!
Grieve not, dear Mother!
Your son is a King, an Emperor! He has ascended the throne of Arunagiri.
Not far from here, in Tiruvannamalai,
sits your son, the Lord Arunachala,
ruler of this world
on His mountain throne.
I see Him now
in my mind's eye
ever joyous
ever glowing
the child King
my very own Father
the final conqueror of darkness
the slayer of sorrow and suffering.
Today the beloved cherubic son of the world
Tomorrow He will be its Father.
Fold your hands and take His name
O Mother,
The dark dweller in Venkat
is my Beloved Father
The Father of this soul
of this heart
of all there is and will ever be.
The little boy
with limpid eyes
is Krishna and Siva both
the creator and destroyer
God Himself in human form.
Rejoice dear mother
the one you nursed
is the Lord Himself
Fruit of your penance.
Your saviour to be.
20070328 17:19:46
CONSOLING MOTHER
-------------------------------
O Mother!
Grieve not, dear Mother!
Your son is a King, an Emperor! He has ascended the throne of Arunagiri.
Not far from here, in Tiruvannamalai,
sits your son, the Lord Arunachala,
ruler of this world
on His mountain throne.
I see Him now
in my mind's eye
ever joyous
ever glowing
the child King
my very own Father
the final conqueror of darkness
the slayer of sorrow and suffering.
Today the beloved cherubic son of the world
Tomorrow He will be its Father.
Fold your hands and take His name
O Mother,
The dark dweller in Venkat
is my Beloved Father
The Father of this soul
of this heart
of all there is and will ever be.
The little boy
with limpid eyes
is Krishna and Siva both
the creator and destroyer
God Himself in human form.
Rejoice dear mother
the one you nursed
is the Lord Himself
Fruit of your penance.
Your saviour to be.
20070328 17:19:46
Friday, March 23, 2007
When?
2007-03-23 16:50:48
Most of the time I just look out of the window, at the trees and the patches of sky, wondering when will all this end?
When will the wait be over?
When will i leave this body and this world, no longer fascinating, and be totally with You.
In complete silence, in nothingness, where there is no perception, no thought, no disturbance, just eternal stillness.
The trees outside the window, fluttering in the breeze, I look at them as one stares at a cheap lifeless painting of scenery bought from the flea market. Lifeless, meaningless, so dead.
Sounds of people quarelling, horns blaring, like images of some world long destroyed, like ghost images.
All of this like a TV serial by an amateur, dragging on and on day after day, no end in sight, no plot, being stretched out most pathetically ... you see the futility of it, but no one else does.
Most of the time I just look out of the window, at the trees and the patches of sky, wondering when will all this end?
When will the wait be over?
When will i leave this body and this world, no longer fascinating, and be totally with You.
In complete silence, in nothingness, where there is no perception, no thought, no disturbance, just eternal stillness.
The trees outside the window, fluttering in the breeze, I look at them as one stares at a cheap lifeless painting of scenery bought from the flea market. Lifeless, meaningless, so dead.
Sounds of people quarelling, horns blaring, like images of some world long destroyed, like ghost images.
All of this like a TV serial by an amateur, dragging on and on day after day, no end in sight, no plot, being stretched out most pathetically ... you see the futility of it, but no one else does.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
So much Joy, so few takers
I arose from You, I return to You.
Perhaps I will realize the Self in another life. Or perhaps as these rags fall off.
Who cares?
One thing is certain, no matter what happens, no matter how many births I take, I will never be apart from You. There shall never be separation again. I lived in uncontainable joy, I die in uncontainable joy.
You have as per my prayers, welded me to Your Feet, that we are one.
How could i have ever imagined that we were apart. that we were two.
A thousand kisses to You, joy of my heart, life of my soul, Arunachala Ramana, who art the very Self.
Perhaps I will realize the Self in another life. Or perhaps as these rags fall off.
Who cares?
One thing is certain, no matter what happens, no matter how many births I take, I will never be apart from You. There shall never be separation again. I lived in uncontainable joy, I die in uncontainable joy.
You have as per my prayers, welded me to Your Feet, that we are one.
How could i have ever imagined that we were apart. that we were two.
A thousand kisses to You, joy of my heart, life of my soul, Arunachala Ramana, who art the very Self.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
One life not enough to love You
One life is not long enough to love you, my Lord.
Not enough to tire of taking and hearing Thy name.
Of looking at You.
Of blowing kisses to You. Of drinking the endless love that flows out of your eyes.
Arunachala Siva - a mystery
Arunachala Siva-Ramana is some really strange mystery.
Through the ages, He has come and claimed people, smothering them with His love, till they could take no more. There are many such in this world ... walking around and trying to live in a state of complete inebriation.
This, here, is the story, and insane rantings of just another such hapless/helpless soul, totally destroyed by and in the love of the most gracious Arunachala Ramana.
Oh Lord, let me drown and be destroyed in this joyous Aksharamana Malai, this most joyous Marital Garland of Letters (which you composed to destroy us)!
Through the ages, He has come and claimed people, smothering them with His love, till they could take no more. There are many such in this world ... walking around and trying to live in a state of complete inebriation.
This, here, is the story, and insane rantings of just another such hapless/helpless soul, totally destroyed by and in the love of the most gracious Arunachala Ramana.
Oh Lord, let me drown and be destroyed in this joyous Aksharamana Malai, this most joyous Marital Garland of Letters (which you composed to destroy us)!
Drunk in love
What does one do in life now? One i so inebriated with joy, you are never apart.
You are so all-pervading.
Hearing your name in the AMM sends waves of love and bliss through me.
Oh i could happily die, what more is there?
Your names just kill me, like a knife slashing thru me, a sword of love.
"Arunachala Siva" ...
Oh let me die hearing this ...
Were we ever apart?
You have smothered me with so much love, that i am almost dead. Now just one last smother!
Let it be over, Lord!
You are so all-pervading.
Hearing your name in the AMM sends waves of love and bliss through me.
Oh i could happily die, what more is there?
Your names just kill me, like a knife slashing thru me, a sword of love.
"Arunachala Siva" ...
Oh let me die hearing this ...
Like Alaga and Sundara let I and You be inseparable.
Were we ever apart?
You have smothered me with so much love, that i am almost dead. Now just one last smother!
Let it be over, Lord!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
What can I possible ask for?
20070310 21:08:44
What can i say, Lord? What can one possibly ask for?
If all the love in the universe were to be put together, it would not match a fraction of your love for me. Such is your love for this little child of yours.
What can i say? What can i possibly ask for, Glorious Arunachala?
You stole my heart. You tethered me to Your Feet.
Is there anything greater than this? No. I have the greatest and most joyous gift of all.
Of all the love in this world, the love of the Feet of the Lord is the most joyous.
Friday, March 09, 2007
October 10, 1988
... When will the grand design reveal itself? When will this mad, horizonless search end? When will the unmistakable sign come? ...
Place: Bikaner, Rajasthan. Excert from 10/10/1988
Thursday, March 08, 2007
I arose from You
I arose from You, and I am returning to You.
Do not worry beloved Self, beloved Father.
Do not worry beloved Self, beloved Father.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Another recap
What a joke! No one reads this blog (exercise in vanity) and yet, i add a recap every few months for the convenience of the reader (my vain self).
I "sum things up" ... har de har!
Anyway, things have been really good. Visited Tiruvannamalai in January. Many months ago it seems there were reports of great pain and separation on this blog. Beloved Ramana's sweet and infinite love dissolved it, blew it away like it had never happened.
The decades spent in this world prior to seeing Bhagavan's photo for the first time, are now someone else's life. This life is now a continuation of the blessed life i once spent at Bhagavan's Feet. There has for a long time been only the intense joy of being smothered by Beloved Ramana, by what i keep calling His Infinite Love, His smothersome Love.
All attachments to the body and exterior world have gone by Arunachala's grace. Yes, the mind still thinks of this and that, but now there is no worry about that, no concern becos I now know that its only a matter of a little time when Bhagavan cuts away all thoughts with His sword of Love. The mind is living its last days, its end is gauranteed.
This story has been totally wierd. Of a person with absolutely no spiritual or religious inclinations, a complete atheist, one day coming across the photograph of Sri Ramana Maharshi and being completely destroyed by the look in Bhagavan's eyes. Of experiencing a tremendous flood of love coming from Bhagavan. Of being destroyed in love. Of losing oneself so completely and still being left alive to report it.
Even though not realized, i have known for some time that Suffering is gone forever, Ramana has rooted out the ability to suffer forever. There will never again be sadness, emptiness, loneliness, mental or emotional pain in me, even if i remain as i am, unrealized.
I do know that in this life, or latest, when i leave this body, i will be totally and absolutely absorbed into Bhagavan's loving Feet. Of that there is no doubt.
I also know that the time has come to lose everything, whatever that means. This is the only time when i can really report this, no matter how egoic it may seem. The love of Bhagavan is so intense that i cannot hold onto all this much longer. Death is imminent, of what kind doesn't really matter.
And i guess i can be totally honest, since no one comes here.
This blog might seem or have once been a mouthpiece to show off, but today i am only trying to get across to whomever might come here, that Bhagavan is still very much here, Arunachala is very much what Bhagavan promised, and the love of Bhagavan has taken one person right here, clear of suffering, into joy, even though i am by no means realized.
I may never even in this life be realized, who cares really, ... but still in so short a time Bhagavan has cleared me right out of suffering. He is the eternal Guru, He is infinite love. No intermediaries are required, no others are required. He is here.
When i started this blog off i was someone who wanted to say something but had nothing to say. I wanted to share grandiose experiences but had none. Even today, thankfully, i have nothing to show, no samadhis, no spiritual visions, no experiences of being blissed out... none of all that.
I have thankfully only one thing to say, and that is that my Master is all there is, and all there needs to be, and the joy of His love I have experienced, and no other experience is necessary. He has taken all away from me, and i am deeply grateful to Him for that -- all sorrow, all pain, all attachments.
Today with the aksharamanamalai (Marital Garland of Letters), He is totally destroying what is left. Do you want that?
(I seem to on quite a roll ... haha.)
When Bhagavan has completely merged me into His most loving Feet, which could be this moment, or never, i suspect there will be no trace of me. And no mention of what happened. There need not be, for Bhagavan is there for all of you.
May His sweet love liberate you, too.
--
It is not you who see the world. It is the illusion of the apparent 'I' seeing the illusion of the world. What does it matter to you?
I "sum things up" ... har de har!
Anyway, things have been really good. Visited Tiruvannamalai in January. Many months ago it seems there were reports of great pain and separation on this blog. Beloved Ramana's sweet and infinite love dissolved it, blew it away like it had never happened.
The decades spent in this world prior to seeing Bhagavan's photo for the first time, are now someone else's life. This life is now a continuation of the blessed life i once spent at Bhagavan's Feet. There has for a long time been only the intense joy of being smothered by Beloved Ramana, by what i keep calling His Infinite Love, His smothersome Love.
All attachments to the body and exterior world have gone by Arunachala's grace. Yes, the mind still thinks of this and that, but now there is no worry about that, no concern becos I now know that its only a matter of a little time when Bhagavan cuts away all thoughts with His sword of Love. The mind is living its last days, its end is gauranteed.
This story has been totally wierd. Of a person with absolutely no spiritual or religious inclinations, a complete atheist, one day coming across the photograph of Sri Ramana Maharshi and being completely destroyed by the look in Bhagavan's eyes. Of experiencing a tremendous flood of love coming from Bhagavan. Of being destroyed in love. Of losing oneself so completely and still being left alive to report it.
Even though not realized, i have known for some time that Suffering is gone forever, Ramana has rooted out the ability to suffer forever. There will never again be sadness, emptiness, loneliness, mental or emotional pain in me, even if i remain as i am, unrealized.
I do know that in this life, or latest, when i leave this body, i will be totally and absolutely absorbed into Bhagavan's loving Feet. Of that there is no doubt.
I also know that the time has come to lose everything, whatever that means. This is the only time when i can really report this, no matter how egoic it may seem. The love of Bhagavan is so intense that i cannot hold onto all this much longer. Death is imminent, of what kind doesn't really matter.
And i guess i can be totally honest, since no one comes here.
This blog might seem or have once been a mouthpiece to show off, but today i am only trying to get across to whomever might come here, that Bhagavan is still very much here, Arunachala is very much what Bhagavan promised, and the love of Bhagavan has taken one person right here, clear of suffering, into joy, even though i am by no means realized.
I may never even in this life be realized, who cares really, ... but still in so short a time Bhagavan has cleared me right out of suffering. He is the eternal Guru, He is infinite love. No intermediaries are required, no others are required. He is here.
When i started this blog off i was someone who wanted to say something but had nothing to say. I wanted to share grandiose experiences but had none. Even today, thankfully, i have nothing to show, no samadhis, no spiritual visions, no experiences of being blissed out... none of all that.
I have thankfully only one thing to say, and that is that my Master is all there is, and all there needs to be, and the joy of His love I have experienced, and no other experience is necessary. He has taken all away from me, and i am deeply grateful to Him for that -- all sorrow, all pain, all attachments.
Today with the aksharamanamalai (Marital Garland of Letters), He is totally destroying what is left. Do you want that?
(I seem to on quite a roll ... haha.)
When Bhagavan has completely merged me into His most loving Feet, which could be this moment, or never, i suspect there will be no trace of me. And no mention of what happened. There need not be, for Bhagavan is there for all of you.
May His sweet love liberate you, too.
--
It is not you who see the world. It is the illusion of the apparent 'I' seeing the illusion of the world. What does it matter to you?
My final days on earth
2007-02-18 1:19 PM
(listening to Guru Ramana Siva - from Saranagati)
I seem to be thinking all the time that i was there with You.
Praps this love and grace is a result of service of my lord.
This infinite love that i am always showered with could only be due to having
lovingly served You in the last life.
there is none other than You, Beloved. Just You.
All attachment wth the body and senses is long gone, completely gone. However,
thoughts still do come, not related to the material world or the body/senses.
So even after all desires for pleasure have died, the "I" still exists and spreads out to occupy the mind. The "mine" seems to almost have died out, but the "I" remains. Here "almost" means that the "mine" does not exist for things and objects, but still exists for the false concept of individual self.
That is how thoughts still manage to come, and fill up time.
So it is not like there are periods of thoughtlessness. The mind or thoughts related to the false "I" spread out and take up the space left by interest in material objects and the interest in pleasures (food and music).
(listening to AMM - prabhakar)
Lord, today i pray to You to take all away. Don't leave it on me to surrender all, please snatch all away, whatever is left. i don't have what it takes to leave this "I" and whatever thoughts are there. i may never be able to return this to You. Just take it, take all.
Whatever happens is fine, i am ready to even stop existing. there is no desire here now. let me melt into You.
You have brought me to here, let us not pretend that I had some role in it, that i struggled and that i put in effort. there was no effort from me, it was all your love and grace that pulled me out.
But after bringing me so far, why dither, why delay? why not just finish me totally.
have i ever doubted You in the least, have i ever doubted from the moment i first looked into your eyes, that i do not exist and that there is only You.
i do have an inkling of what it will be like when i have melted into You, or definitely an idea of what it will _not_ be like.
i do know that this entire world that i have lived in, will cease to be (the deep sleep with awareness that you speak of).. i am fine if the deep sleep with awareness is only awareness, without bliss. i have never cared for bliss. i am fine that there are no worlds, no bodies and no nothing.
I am fine that once melted, there will be no one who had melted.
i am fine that there will be no one.
i am sure that i will be quite fine in the Self devoid of all things and worlds. If you were fine and steady in it, would i not be? Is there any difference in us. Are we apart and different, that you should doubt my ability to "take" it?
(I go off for lunch, oh how i love you, my sweet lord).
2007-02-18 8:02 PM
Beloved soul of mine,
If you are without a body, why should i be with one? Is it fair that You should enjoy bodiless existence, while i suffer this burden ?
Whether I am in waking state, or in dreams, I am only seeking Thee, like a dog hunting for its master. Is it fair to leave me in this illusion, and to keep testing me, Your Beloved faithful child-dog?
You have two choices, Beloved Master of mine. Either call me to You and merge me into Your dear Feet. Else, if for whatever reasons that is not possible, (because You have merged into Brahman or whatever), then please totally annihilate me, so I never have to feel this separation.
Beloved Master, I do not understand spirituality, and these paths, illusion and reality. (Please don't ask me to whom these thoughts come!)
I do not understand true surrender. I only know that You love me beyond all limits, and that only You have loved me, and that I love You.
If you don't come fast, Master of mine, i will completely be destroyed by this love and longing for Thy most beautiful Feet. Then You will have lost me forever.
Beloved One, is it really true, that all are showered by this grace. Can it be true?
Then why is not this whole world consumed by Your love, why are they not all dancing with joy?
I know that in all these billions of people living, my life is the most fortunate, the happiest, most joyous and most blessed.
Beloved Master, this most wonderful Aksharamanamalai, is Your scent, pulling me to You. Consuming me, drowning me. Please let this be the end.
(listening to Guru Ramana Siva - from Saranagati)
I seem to be thinking all the time that i was there with You.
Praps this love and grace is a result of service of my lord.
This infinite love that i am always showered with could only be due to having
lovingly served You in the last life.
there is none other than You, Beloved. Just You.
All attachment wth the body and senses is long gone, completely gone. However,
thoughts still do come, not related to the material world or the body/senses.
So even after all desires for pleasure have died, the "I" still exists and spreads out to occupy the mind. The "mine" seems to almost have died out, but the "I" remains. Here "almost" means that the "mine" does not exist for things and objects, but still exists for the false concept of individual self.
That is how thoughts still manage to come, and fill up time.
So it is not like there are periods of thoughtlessness. The mind or thoughts related to the false "I" spread out and take up the space left by interest in material objects and the interest in pleasures (food and music).
(listening to AMM - prabhakar)
Lord, today i pray to You to take all away. Don't leave it on me to surrender all, please snatch all away, whatever is left. i don't have what it takes to leave this "I" and whatever thoughts are there. i may never be able to return this to You. Just take it, take all.
Whatever happens is fine, i am ready to even stop existing. there is no desire here now. let me melt into You.
You have brought me to here, let us not pretend that I had some role in it, that i struggled and that i put in effort. there was no effort from me, it was all your love and grace that pulled me out.
But after bringing me so far, why dither, why delay? why not just finish me totally.
have i ever doubted You in the least, have i ever doubted from the moment i first looked into your eyes, that i do not exist and that there is only You.
i do have an inkling of what it will be like when i have melted into You, or definitely an idea of what it will _not_ be like.
i do know that this entire world that i have lived in, will cease to be (the deep sleep with awareness that you speak of).. i am fine if the deep sleep with awareness is only awareness, without bliss. i have never cared for bliss. i am fine that there are no worlds, no bodies and no nothing.
I am fine that once melted, there will be no one who had melted.
i am fine that there will be no one.
i am sure that i will be quite fine in the Self devoid of all things and worlds. If you were fine and steady in it, would i not be? Is there any difference in us. Are we apart and different, that you should doubt my ability to "take" it?
(I go off for lunch, oh how i love you, my sweet lord).
2007-02-18 8:02 PM
Beloved soul of mine,
If you are without a body, why should i be with one? Is it fair that You should enjoy bodiless existence, while i suffer this burden ?
Whether I am in waking state, or in dreams, I am only seeking Thee, like a dog hunting for its master. Is it fair to leave me in this illusion, and to keep testing me, Your Beloved faithful child-dog?
You have two choices, Beloved Master of mine. Either call me to You and merge me into Your dear Feet. Else, if for whatever reasons that is not possible, (because You have merged into Brahman or whatever), then please totally annihilate me, so I never have to feel this separation.
Beloved Master, I do not understand spirituality, and these paths, illusion and reality. (Please don't ask me to whom these thoughts come!)
I do not understand true surrender. I only know that You love me beyond all limits, and that only You have loved me, and that I love You.
If you don't come fast, Master of mine, i will completely be destroyed by this love and longing for Thy most beautiful Feet. Then You will have lost me forever.
Beloved One, is it really true, that all are showered by this grace. Can it be true?
Then why is not this whole world consumed by Your love, why are they not all dancing with joy?
I know that in all these billions of people living, my life is the most fortunate, the happiest, most joyous and most blessed.
Beloved Master, this most wonderful Aksharamanamalai, is Your scent, pulling me to You. Consuming me, drowning me. Please let this be the end.
