My final days on earth

2007-02-18 1:19 PM
(listening to Guru Ramana Siva - from Saranagati)

I seem to be thinking all the time that i was there with You.
Praps this love and grace is a result of service of my lord.
This infinite love that i am always showered with could only be due to having
lovingly served You in the last life.

there is none other than You, Beloved. Just You.

All attachment wth the body and senses is long gone, completely gone. However,
thoughts still do come, not related to the material world or the body/senses.
So even after all desires for pleasure have died, the "I" still exists and spreads out to occupy the mind. The "mine" seems to almost have died out, but the "I" remains. Here "almost" means that the "mine" does not exist for things and objects, but still exists for the false concept of individual self.
That is how thoughts still manage to come, and fill up time.

So it is not like there are periods of thoughtlessness. The mind or thoughts related to the false "I" spread out and take up the space left by interest in material objects and the interest in pleasures (food and music).

(listening to AMM - prabhakar)

Lord, today i pray to You to take all away. Don't leave it on me to surrender all, please snatch all away, whatever is left. i don't have what it takes to leave this "I" and whatever thoughts are there. i may never be able to return this to You. Just take it, take all.

Whatever happens is fine, i am ready to even stop existing. there is no desire here now. let me melt into You.

You have brought me to here, let us not pretend that I had some role in it, that i struggled and that i put in effort. there was no effort from me, it was all your love and grace that pulled me out.
But after bringing me so far, why dither, why delay? why not just finish me totally.

have i ever doubted You in the least, have i ever doubted from the moment i first looked into your eyes, that i do not exist and that there is only You.

i do have an inkling of what it will be like when i have melted into You, or definitely an idea of what it will _not_ be like.
i do know that this entire world that i have lived in, will cease to be (the deep sleep with awareness that you speak of)..  i am fine if the deep sleep with awareness is only awareness, without bliss. i have never cared for bliss. i am fine that there are no worlds, no bodies and no nothing.

I am fine that once melted, there will be no one who had melted.

i am fine that there will be no one.

i am sure that i will be quite fine in the Self devoid of all things and worlds. If you were fine and steady in it, would i not be? Is there any difference in us. Are we apart and different, that you should doubt my ability to "take" it?

(I go off for lunch, oh how i love you, my sweet lord).


2007-02-18 8:02 PM

Beloved soul of mine,
If you are without a body, why should i be with one? Is it fair that You should enjoy bodiless existence, while i suffer this burden ?

Whether I am in waking state, or in dreams,  I am only seeking Thee, like a dog hunting for its master. Is it fair to leave me in this illusion, and to keep testing me, Your Beloved faithful child-dog?

You have two choices, Beloved Master of mine. Either call me to You and merge me into Your dear Feet. Else, if for whatever reasons that is not possible, (because You have merged into Brahman or whatever), then please totally annihilate me, so I never have to feel this separation.


Beloved Master, I do not understand spirituality, and these paths, illusion and reality. (Please don't ask me to whom these thoughts come!) 

I do not understand true surrender. I only know that You love me beyond all limits, and that only You have loved me, and that I love You.

If you don't come fast, Master of mine, i will completely be destroyed by this love and longing for Thy most beautiful Feet. Then You will have lost me forever.

Beloved One, is it really true, that all are showered by this grace. Can it be true?
Then why is not this whole world consumed by Your love, why are they not all dancing with joy?
I know that in all these billions of people living, my life is the most fortunate, the happiest, most joyous and most blessed.

Beloved Master, this most wonderful Aksharamanamalai, is Your scent, pulling me to You. Consuming me, drowning me. Please let this be the end.