I've just realized how horrible the ego can be, how it can totally paralyze and take over. It is necessary to keep investigating as to who is here, who is unhappy/angry/suffering. Otherwise the ego can take over.
Self-enquiry is the only thing that can stand against the ego when an ego-attack happens. Even then SE has to be relentless, one cannot stop when one feels peace. We have to keep seeing, who is feeling peaceful, otherwise the ego is just waiting to make a second attack. This is not a questioning, or mental mantra or verbal repetition. I don't know whether I have it correct but it is an active examination.
And it is difficult at first. Which is why i say that the ego is a deadly thing. I've seen how horrible it can be, and how it just won't be put down. It will not give up control. It will just sit in wait, and lurk and then attack when totally unexpected.
I have to keep enquiring, keep inquiring at all times, no stopping, no breaks. Thank you, ego-attack, you have really woken me up and shown me your true face.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Awareness is spreading
Awareness is permeating everyday life. Sometimes i feel it was a not a good day in terms of practice, but in the longer run, awareness is getting integrated with day to day activities. So it will always be tougher -- easier to be aware sitting in a chair, than while doing mundane activities, or in a discussion with someone, especially one where this is some egioc conflict going on. To bring myself back to awareness and peace after disturbing incidents.
Right now, the way things are, there is no chance of going to a peaceful, quiet place even for a few days, or visiting Arunachala. I don't see it happening for a long time now. I have to make peace right here, in the city, in this disturbed environment, in this very "dysfunctional" environment. It is a big test. I think this will only strengthen my ability to remain aware.
I ask so much of you, Father. Rarely do i even think of thanking you for your grace. Beloved, free me of this ego, of this "me", of delusion. Free me from what is false. Let me find you quickly, do not make me wait more. However, i accept your will happily for it is so evident that you are pulling me to You.
O Self, pull me in, O world, push me in from the outside.
Sometimes, I just enjoy lying in bed and focusing on my breathing. Or just dropping everything, and being nothing at all. There is a wonderful freedom in it. As though, one is nothing.
It is so strange, how could i possibly be trapped in this tiny little body and experiencing.
Right now, the way things are, there is no chance of going to a peaceful, quiet place even for a few days, or visiting Arunachala. I don't see it happening for a long time now. I have to make peace right here, in the city, in this disturbed environment, in this very "dysfunctional" environment. It is a big test. I think this will only strengthen my ability to remain aware.
I ask so much of you, Father. Rarely do i even think of thanking you for your grace. Beloved, free me of this ego, of this "me", of delusion. Free me from what is false. Let me find you quickly, do not make me wait more. However, i accept your will happily for it is so evident that you are pulling me to You.
O Self, pull me in, O world, push me in from the outside.
Sometimes, I just enjoy lying in bed and focusing on my breathing. Or just dropping everything, and being nothing at all. There is a wonderful freedom in it. As though, one is nothing.
It is so strange, how could i possibly be trapped in this tiny little body and experiencing.
Some readings ...
The real glory of meditation lies not in any method but in its continual living experience of presence, in its bliss, clarity, peace, and most important of all, absence of grasping. The diminishing of grasping in yourself is a sign that you are becoming freer of yourself. And the more you experience this freedom, the clearer the sign that the ego and the hopes and fears that keep it alive are dissolving, and the closer you will come to the infinitely generous "wisdom that realizes egolessness."
...
To integrate meditation in action is the whole point, ground and purpose of meditation.
Whatever method you use, drop it or simply let it dissolve on its own, when you find you have arrived naturally at a state of alert, expansive and vibrant peace. Then continue to remain there quietly, undistracted, without necessarily using any particular method. The method has already achieved its purpose. However, if you do stray or become distracted then return to whatever technique is most appropriate to call you back.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Attention as "I"
There is this attention. The attention is on awareness, then it is on thoughts or feelings, then again on awareness. I interpret it as "I am aware, or I am in awareness, now I am in thought".
So is (this) awareness an object. And what is attention ? Is this also an object with someone watching it. Can I be the attention ? I think i am observing attention.
This question "who is seeing all this?" has really grabbed me. There is this investigation going on, that is almost poignant (?), sometimes I feel i am going to burst into tears, since there really seems to be no way of my looking back as to where sight or experience is coming from. There is a helplessness, a ... tragic feeling to it. Consciousness trying to examine itself ... From where has it arisen?
All i can do at such moments is just finally come back into awareness. Yet, Papaji does in one video tell us to retrace our steps back. So it can be done.
I really deeply need to know who I am, and I do not mean in terms of some limited identity or person. But who is this who is conscious. From where is it. I don't care if i blow up in finding out, or it all vaporizes, or the silly "I" dies. I don't care what happens as long as the question is put to rest.
Why it feels tragic or poignant is because its like an orphan trying to figure out who gave birth to him. Where does he start. No one knows. And yet, that's all he wants to know. All consciousness wants to know is where it arose from.
So is (this) awareness an object. And what is attention ? Is this also an object with someone watching it. Can I be the attention ? I think i am observing attention.
This question "who is seeing all this?" has really grabbed me. There is this investigation going on, that is almost poignant (?), sometimes I feel i am going to burst into tears, since there really seems to be no way of my looking back as to where sight or experience is coming from. There is a helplessness, a ... tragic feeling to it. Consciousness trying to examine itself ... From where has it arisen?
All i can do at such moments is just finally come back into awareness. Yet, Papaji does in one video tell us to retrace our steps back. So it can be done.
I really deeply need to know who I am, and I do not mean in terms of some limited identity or person. But who is this who is conscious. From where is it. I don't care if i blow up in finding out, or it all vaporizes, or the silly "I" dies. I don't care what happens as long as the question is put to rest.
Why it feels tragic or poignant is because its like an orphan trying to figure out who gave birth to him. Where does he start. No one knows. And yet, that's all he wants to know. All consciousness wants to know is where it arose from.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Clear Seeing (vipashyana)
Amazing. I have been reading a page or so of Tibetan Book of Living and Dying every night. Here, too, they talk of pure awareness as being the meditation. Sogyal Rinpoche clarifies that resting in nowness or stillness is a great accomplishment, however he likens it to a glass of muddy water. If not stirred, the mud settles to the bottom. However, if at any time we stir it again, the mud will rise.
Thus, resting in nowness does not lead to liberation. Nowness becomes a subtle object, and the mind a subtle subject. So we remain in subject-object duality. As one's onepointedness in Calm Abiding increases, obscurations are removed and one can move into the openness that is the "wisdom that realizes egolessness". This is what will uproot delusion and liberate you from samsara.
This is on p75-76. I am only quoting from memory.
Thus, resting in nowness does not lead to liberation. Nowness becomes a subtle object, and the mind a subtle subject. So we remain in subject-object duality. As one's onepointedness in Calm Abiding increases, obscurations are removed and one can move into the openness that is the "wisdom that realizes egolessness". This is what will uproot delusion and liberate you from samsara.
This is on p75-76. I am only quoting from memory.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Where are you, Father, in awareness ?
There is a growing clarity that the "I" is just something/someone that arises in awareness. On some days it is clear and effortless and joyous. Other days, it can be difficult, with the "I" hitting back.
But more and more is the realization, that the "I" or mind is powerless to do anything. No matter what, awareness is always there, unaffected. And then there is this nagging question or looking back, as to who is experiencing all this, even this awareness.
O Master, why do you hold back ? Why dither, why wait and watch. You promised to swallow us whole, did you not ? Why let us suffer in this illusion -- just destroy what's left so one can be free. I am not afraid, i promise you, of totally losing the personality, the identity, the mind. It really doesn't matter any longer, I don't have any investment in it. Nothing more to please me there. It's over.
Where are you in the awareness, Beloved Father, where are you hiding, when will I know for sure that we have united ???
But more and more is the realization, that the "I" or mind is powerless to do anything. No matter what, awareness is always there, unaffected. And then there is this nagging question or looking back, as to who is experiencing all this, even this awareness.
O Master, why do you hold back ? Why dither, why wait and watch. You promised to swallow us whole, did you not ? Why let us suffer in this illusion -- just destroy what's left so one can be free. I am not afraid, i promise you, of totally losing the personality, the identity, the mind. It really doesn't matter any longer, I don't have any investment in it. Nothing more to please me there. It's over.
Where are you in the awareness, Beloved Father, where are you hiding, when will I know for sure that we have united ???
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
What is present between the thoughts ?
Pay attention to the stillness between the thoughts. See what is present.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
what is paying attention
Simply notice what is paying attention when you are not thinking. Everyone has this consciousness or awareness. And this noticing what is between thoughts is consciousness seeing itself. This is Self-recognition which blossoms into Self-realization.
The mind tries to worry about meditating more!
Remember, nothing that happens in the mind is "you", and none of it is your business.
You don't have to worry about thoughts that rise up inside you.
Whatever kind of thought arises, have the same reaction. "not me, not my business". It can be a good thought or a bad thought.
You are the awareness. Remain as the awareness, and don't latch onto anything that is not the awareness.
(p84 FT - Annamalai Swamy)
Swamy gives the same reply to questions about the mind saying "I should meditate more, I should remain in the Self at all times."
Keep that awareness and don't worry too much about what is going on in your mind and what it means.
All questions are mind traps
The doubts that occasionally come -- they do not come from awareness, they come from the mind, does awareness have a question - NO.
All questions are mind-traps, conceptual debris.
Reminds me that Michael Langford also said something like :
The mind asks silly questions like : how will one live, am i really free, can't i always be like this, why are thoughts coming, what do i have to do to kill the mind or make thoughts go away, am i really happy like this, how to make this effortless, i am not yet stable in this awareness, ...
In all such cases the "I" is the mind, the old self, the story in the past that never existed, not the living "I" in the now that has no need to say or think "I".
All questions are mind-traps, conceptual debris.
Reminds me that Michael Langford also said something like :
See how the ego is directing every thought you think to create a way to preserve its imaginary self.
Ask of every thought, idea, concept, belief, etc... Does this thought, idea, concept or belief help the ego illusion to continue?
The mind asks silly questions like : how will one live, am i really free, can't i always be like this, why are thoughts coming, what do i have to do to kill the mind or make thoughts go away, am i really happy like this, how to make this effortless, i am not yet stable in this awareness, ...
In all such cases the "I" is the mind, the old self, the story in the past that never existed, not the living "I" in the now that has no need to say or think "I".
Saturday, April 10, 2010
awareness
Awareness is setting in and sort of spreading out to more moments of my day. Although at this point, i cannot say it is effortless. There is the interweaving or alternation of thought and awareness - a bit of a fight by the mind. But there are no periods of being in the mind and forgetting awareness. Awareness comes back within a second or 2.
I still try to keep mentalizing silence, recognizing it, labeling it. "Aah, I am silent now!". However, the peace is growing, the mind's grip on me is failing, the old tragic story is almost gone. Identification is still there in a subtle way like when i might say "I am spending more time in awareness than before". "I still have thoughts" "I wish this mind would go away". These thoughts are still very much mind-identified thoughts. Also, recording this in a blog, is again the old self trying to record change, whereas for awareness there is no change, or nothing to report.
"I must be aware at all times - i must not be taken over by thoughts" - another mind identification. Need to loosen up. Just let it fall off. Just be.
I am also trying hard at times to see if the I can be observed, the witness can be witnessed, the consciousness itself can be witnessed. No luck.
I still try to keep mentalizing silence, recognizing it, labeling it. "Aah, I am silent now!". However, the peace is growing, the mind's grip on me is failing, the old tragic story is almost gone. Identification is still there in a subtle way like when i might say "I am spending more time in awareness than before". "I still have thoughts" "I wish this mind would go away". These thoughts are still very much mind-identified thoughts. Also, recording this in a blog, is again the old self trying to record change, whereas for awareness there is no change, or nothing to report.
"I must be aware at all times - i must not be taken over by thoughts" - another mind identification. Need to loosen up. Just let it fall off. Just be.
I am also trying hard at times to see if the I can be observed, the witness can be witnessed, the consciousness itself can be witnessed. No luck.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Bhagavan's true feet
Hold onto the Self within. That is the Guru's true feet.
-- Bhagavan to a devotee
-- Bhagavan to a devotee
Awareness at each moment - don't let up for a moment
That is why meditators should always note diligently. One should not relax one's effort, thinking, "this little lapse should not matter much."
The meditator who is really intent on attaining the path and its fruition should rest from meditation only when asleep. At other times, and in all waking moments, one should be noting continually and without let up.
From a Vipassana book. "Noting" here refers to noting each movement, intention etc. The context is Ananda's attainment after a night of walking meditation, he lies down and is noting each movement as he lies down. At that moment, he attains arahant-ship.
In our case, awareness of being/self at each moment from waking to sleep. No let up.
See also: clear knowing
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Monday, April 05, 2010
Is this awareness being observed ?
Is this awareness a phenomenon ? Attention moving from awareness to thoughts and back ?
Am I awareness, or the attention moving back and forth ?
Is something watching the awareness ?
And who, for crying out loud, is the "I" who wonders this, or who abides in awareness, or who "looks" back ?
Who will finally say: yes i am this awareness, or no, I am something else behind it?
Father, help, give a push, give direction. Most likely I will just simply stay in awareness and not look back, perhaps not really ripe for this.
Am I awareness, or the attention moving back and forth ?
Is something watching the awareness ?
And who, for crying out loud, is the "I" who wonders this, or who abides in awareness, or who "looks" back ?
Who will finally say: yes i am this awareness, or no, I am something else behind it?
Father, help, give a push, give direction. Most likely I will just simply stay in awareness and not look back, perhaps not really ripe for this.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Looking within - where is all this going
2010-04-04 22:48
Strange. During and after my evening walk things have changed a bit. Rather than abiding in awareness, i seem to be in an awareness that is looking back to see what is experiencing all this. Is this adding something to pure awareness, if so is it sort-of an unspoken thought. Or a wondering, or is it a silent thought-free enquiry. But i can say that it does not have the clouded property of being in mind-awareness, it is clear, it is watchful, attentive. It is like "what is aware", "who is experiencing" except that no question is asked. One is abiding in this attentive state. It seems to be urgent, a need to know what is behind this, where is all this input going.
I was sitting with guests (Chhota and family! six months old and adorable), and my eyes were trying to take a step back. While walking in the park, the feeling at the feet, and whatever my eyes were seeing, instead of eyes focusing just on a tiny portion of the ground, they were taking in as much of the trees and scenery and looking back as to where this is going.
Update: 2010-04-05 20:11 - I think for the moment i should just stick with the old "being in awareness" thing, no improvising.
Strange. During and after my evening walk things have changed a bit. Rather than abiding in awareness, i seem to be in an awareness that is looking back to see what is experiencing all this. Is this adding something to pure awareness, if so is it sort-of an unspoken thought. Or a wondering, or is it a silent thought-free enquiry. But i can say that it does not have the clouded property of being in mind-awareness, it is clear, it is watchful, attentive. It is like "what is aware", "who is experiencing" except that no question is asked. One is abiding in this attentive state. It seems to be urgent, a need to know what is behind this, where is all this input going.
I was sitting with guests (Chhota and family! six months old and adorable), and my eyes were trying to take a step back. While walking in the park, the feeling at the feet, and whatever my eyes were seeing, instead of eyes focusing just on a tiny portion of the ground, they were taking in as much of the trees and scenery and looking back as to where this is going.
Update: 2010-04-05 20:11 - I think for the moment i should just stick with the old "being in awareness" thing, no improvising.
O, Father
2010-04-04 12:34
O Father
Beloved, I am still so starved of You. Whenever your name or your form comes in my mind, or I remember your so-called physical life, it becomes unbearable. Oh, why did you ever have to leave the body, even if it was not really You. Why did you have to be you. Why did you have to lead such a beloved, dear life.
How will i ever be able to forget your form, your eyes, your words, your love to all beings, your gentleness, your kindness, your shadow, your feet, ... not that I even want to. I would rather suffer the pain of remembering you, than the momentary joy of some entertainment.
You made me to love You, did you not. You had me custom-made so that every cell and pore of me would totally love You, every aspect of you. At the expense of sounding vain, you did a perfect job -- for everyone else, and for everything else i may be full of imperfections and lackings and faults, but when it comes to looking at you, and seeing you, and recognizing you, and loving you, and knowing that you are Father, you did it perfectly.
Why not just swallow me now, Father. Or would you like me to enjoy this a while longer. Am i not ready yet, not cooked enough, or perhaps not seasoned or a few more "pressures" are required. How much longer will you play these games, where can you possibly hide now. I have found you out finally, i have found your hiding place -- the simple awareness, the thought-free awareness in each of us is where you hid all along,
waiting for us.
Right now my heart is aching for you, but shortly I will get a grip on myself and hold onto your feet (your feet made of consciousness), and it will all be alright. And you will make the end of this silly mind that separates us fast and quick, won't you Lord, don't allow it to linger on for the rest of my
life, or even another year.
O Father, O Ramana, Ramana, Ramana, let me take your sweet name a few times before becoming silent.
O Father
Beloved, I am still so starved of You. Whenever your name or your form comes in my mind, or I remember your so-called physical life, it becomes unbearable. Oh, why did you ever have to leave the body, even if it was not really You. Why did you have to be you. Why did you have to lead such a beloved, dear life.
How will i ever be able to forget your form, your eyes, your words, your love to all beings, your gentleness, your kindness, your shadow, your feet, ... not that I even want to. I would rather suffer the pain of remembering you, than the momentary joy of some entertainment.
You made me to love You, did you not. You had me custom-made so that every cell and pore of me would totally love You, every aspect of you. At the expense of sounding vain, you did a perfect job -- for everyone else, and for everything else i may be full of imperfections and lackings and faults, but when it comes to looking at you, and seeing you, and recognizing you, and loving you, and knowing that you are Father, you did it perfectly.
Why not just swallow me now, Father. Or would you like me to enjoy this a while longer. Am i not ready yet, not cooked enough, or perhaps not seasoned or a few more "pressures" are required. How much longer will you play these games, where can you possibly hide now. I have found you out finally, i have found your hiding place -- the simple awareness, the thought-free awareness in each of us is where you hid all along,
waiting for us.
Right now my heart is aching for you, but shortly I will get a grip on myself and hold onto your feet (your feet made of consciousness), and it will all be alright. And you will make the end of this silly mind that separates us fast and quick, won't you Lord, don't allow it to linger on for the rest of my
life, or even another year.
O Father, O Ramana, Ramana, Ramana, let me take your sweet name a few times before becoming silent.
Bhagavan is waiting for us in the Heart
Do not limit Bhagavan (Parabrahman) to the body, but find Him in your heart, because He is already there waiting for you.
I can't believe you said this so many times, and i quoted and posted it so many times, in different ways, but never understood and/or believed it.
You are here in awareness, Father. That is the one place you will always be in, from where no one can take you away from us, the best place to "hide" yourself -- from where you can never be lost.
God hides himself in the awareness of all creatures, from where they can never be separated !!!
Friday, April 02, 2010
Conscious Living begins
I know it's a bit premature to say such things.
As most of the time goes in awareness, or being awareness, or just being (unlike the earlier completely mind-controlled or mind-conscious state), it is like a new life. An aware or conscious life.
Awareness is just a normal state now. The initial excitement was perhaps due to mind-labeling, now that the mind has stopped labeling, it's just become a normal state.
One can now appreciate that the mind was a disease. The stink has not yet completely washed off. I can say that I am out of the prison gates, the guards are still running after me holding on now and then, but physically I am out. There will never be any suffering for me again. For others around me, yes, there is a lot of pain to see everyone trapped totally in their mind-prisons, everyone still identifying with the imaginary wispy mind-story, rather than the tangible, real, ever-present awareness.
This is a milestone, maybe a small one. Maybe one day I will look back and think how naive and foolish I was to think suffering was actually over in March 2010, or that i was free of the mind at this point. I will look back and laugh at this day. But it is at this stage that the struggle to be aware was over, and at this stage the identification shifted over, or began to.
Yes, awareness is not continuous for me, the mind is not dead, there are memories, I still talk of yesterday and tomorrow with others, I still refer to this body as "I" and me. This activity of blogging "my" state is a mind/ego activity.
I do not know who is aware of this awareness, who perceives this perceiver, who witnesses this witness. I still prefer to be physically by myself so i can remain in awareness as long as possible. I keep away from entertainment, TV, and socializing so I can remain silent as much as possible. That has to be done.
The mind still takes me to the Shiva statue in the park nearby for a quick prayer to give me strength to defeat the mind and be myself forever, to be free of the illusion.
As most of the time goes in awareness, or being awareness, or just being (unlike the earlier completely mind-controlled or mind-conscious state), it is like a new life. An aware or conscious life.
Awareness is just a normal state now. The initial excitement was perhaps due to mind-labeling, now that the mind has stopped labeling, it's just become a normal state.
One can now appreciate that the mind was a disease. The stink has not yet completely washed off. I can say that I am out of the prison gates, the guards are still running after me holding on now and then, but physically I am out. There will never be any suffering for me again. For others around me, yes, there is a lot of pain to see everyone trapped totally in their mind-prisons, everyone still identifying with the imaginary wispy mind-story, rather than the tangible, real, ever-present awareness.
This is a milestone, maybe a small one. Maybe one day I will look back and think how naive and foolish I was to think suffering was actually over in March 2010, or that i was free of the mind at this point. I will look back and laugh at this day. But it is at this stage that the struggle to be aware was over, and at this stage the identification shifted over, or began to.
Yes, awareness is not continuous for me, the mind is not dead, there are memories, I still talk of yesterday and tomorrow with others, I still refer to this body as "I" and me. This activity of blogging "my" state is a mind/ego activity.
I do not know who is aware of this awareness, who perceives this perceiver, who witnesses this witness. I still prefer to be physically by myself so i can remain in awareness as long as possible. I keep away from entertainment, TV, and socializing so I can remain silent as much as possible. That has to be done.
The mind still takes me to the Shiva statue in the park nearby for a quick prayer to give me strength to defeat the mind and be myself forever, to be free of the illusion.
Victory to King Ramana Maharshi !
I awoke with a dream. It was a strange dream but there was a song being sung in it, and it had a beautiful refrain "Raja Ramana Maharshi ki Jai" (Victory/Glory to King Ramana Maharshi).
What a wonderful world it must have been, where You, O Father, are a King. There was a lady whose husband was about to be executed, but she was certain that a series of events were to happen that would prevent the execution. She was detailing the events, perhaps You had told her what would happen and not to worry.
I was somewhere there in the crowd hearing the song, with tears in my eyes as the refrain came, trying to memorize it for later.
I then woke up in a very mental state (mind/body identification), feeling the pain of bereavement of You not being here in body. A pain that follows us life after life till we awaken from this dream. A pain for which there is only one solution - to awaken. Nothing else inside this mind-body illusion can save us.
Yet, putting our love for you aside to Be oneself, putting the mind aside and resting in oneself, is so difficult. I can put aside all other desires, pains, loves, enjoyments in a trice and stay in consciousness, but to put aside You !!!
And yet it must be done, for you are awareness and not something to be found in the mind. So let me put aside this pain, and this mind and come back to You in the "I"/self-awareness.
Victory to You, O King Ramana, and to all your followers, and all those who come onto the direct path :-D I love You so much, always.
What a wonderful world it must have been, where You, O Father, are a King. There was a lady whose husband was about to be executed, but she was certain that a series of events were to happen that would prevent the execution. She was detailing the events, perhaps You had told her what would happen and not to worry.
I was somewhere there in the crowd hearing the song, with tears in my eyes as the refrain came, trying to memorize it for later.
I then woke up in a very mental state (mind/body identification), feeling the pain of bereavement of You not being here in body. A pain that follows us life after life till we awaken from this dream. A pain for which there is only one solution - to awaken. Nothing else inside this mind-body illusion can save us.
Yet, putting our love for you aside to Be oneself, putting the mind aside and resting in oneself, is so difficult. I can put aside all other desires, pains, loves, enjoyments in a trice and stay in consciousness, but to put aside You !!!
And yet it must be done, for you are awareness and not something to be found in the mind. So let me put aside this pain, and this mind and come back to You in the "I"/self-awareness.
Victory to You, O King Ramana, and to all your followers, and all those who come onto the direct path :-D I love You so much, always.
