awareness

Awareness is setting in and sort of spreading out to more moments of my day. Although at this point, i cannot say it is effortless. There is the interweaving or alternation of thought and awareness - a bit of a fight by the mind. But there are no periods of being in the mind and forgetting awareness. Awareness comes back within a second or 2.

I still try to keep mentalizing silence, recognizing it, labeling it. "Aah, I am silent now!". However, the peace is growing, the mind's grip on me is failing, the old tragic story is almost gone. Identification is still there in a subtle way like when i might say "I am spending more time in awareness than before". "I still have thoughts" "I wish this mind would go away". These thoughts are still very much mind-identified thoughts. Also, recording this in a blog, is again the old self trying to record change, whereas for awareness there is no change, or nothing to report.

"I must be aware at all times - i must not be taken over by thoughts" - another mind identification. Need to loosen up. Just let it fall off. Just be.

I am also trying hard at times to see if the I can be observed, the witness can be witnessed, the consciousness itself can be witnessed. No luck.