Help me with my enquiry, Lord

I am trying hard with my enquiry. Help me, pull me in, Father.

Don't let me leave it.

I so love what You have given me. I am melting in love for my dear ones. I am so in love with my little ones.

I wish I could totally melt and be finished. 

Raja is back !

Thank you so much, Father.

I had last night given up Raja for dead. I was doing self-enquiry rather than think about him and have tears in my eyes.

Today, I drove around the other blocks, W, and the main road opposite Archana Cinema looking for him. But no luck. In the afternoon, I stepped out to get milk and there he was at the door, whining. I immediately fed him bread and milk. He was smelling of medicine. Yes, his hair had been snipped wherever there were bites and there was orange-ish medicine there. So some kind soul did take him to hospital. Later, I checked his ear and found that it had been snipped, so it seems he has been neutered as well. I did not turn him upside down to check for a incision, but looks like under his tail, under there is a vertical incision. Now it makes sense, he has been missing for 4-5 days, the time it would have taken for him to have been neutered.

Currently, the mother, although spayed is attracting a lot of attention so Raja was busy growling at them and trying to assert his dominance on them. I did not get much time for huggies and stuff.

Thank you, Lord, for taking care of him. How could I have lost faith in You.

Raja still missing

Father

Still no sign of dear Raja. I went searching quite far this morning. All the other dogs in the nearing streets are there, but no sign of Raja. What has happened ?

Is he alive? Is he lost ? Will he return ? Give me some reply, beloved Father. Take care of him, protect him, he has not eaten for many days and has been badly bitten all over. 

Raja has been missing

For the last two weeks Raja has been on the parallel street (B block) due to several females being in heat. He has hardly eaten. And he's badly bitten on the back, and the ear. I looked all over for him and finally located him there. Then he began coming once a day in the morning and sitting on our doorstep. I would feed him and he would go off back to that road.

However, for the last three days he is not to be found even there. I've looked in the park behind too. The guards nearby told me he had come here 2-3 days back, and some said they saw him in the park/forest behind, but I've not seen him anywhere.

Please protect him Father, wherever he is, and bring him back. At the same time the mother has been giving off some pheromonal discharge which is attracting some males. And, dear little Sher Singh got a swelling on one foot (front). So yesterday I took her to Max. One junior chap gave her an anti-biotic injection, bandaged her foot. However, she ripped off the bandage as we got home. Today, the doc said it was a cyst between the toes and gave me a powder to put 3 times a day.

How things are

Father

I can only thank you for this wonderful life. Being born as your devotee, being blessed with love for you is the highest grace any living creature can get. To even remember you, to think of you with love, what can any living being ask for.

However, I have to confess the following: first of all there is really nothing for me here in this world. I am not of any use to anyone, and you've never exactly even hinted to me for some work you expect of me, or have sent me here for. I only want to serve you and your children, but i don't have anything in me, or know what to do. 

I have maybe 15 years, hopefully not more than 20 in this body. My body is declining, and so is my mind. I don't know how long I can keep this body going. As long as my mother is alive, I can keep pushing myself. Also, my two beloved children who will probably last at most ten years. After that, there's nothing at all. My only hope is that when i leave this body, You are there, and we are together forever. That hope keeps me going. That is my only wish.

How this life goes is of no consequence to me. What is experienced by whatever I supposedly am behind this body/mind, could be anything, what difference does it make. It could be unpleasant or the most beautiful and peaceful and perfect. What difference does it make when it's just something passing by. 

What I am is still unknown. I keep looking for what experiences all this, and I don't seem to progress. Finally, after a month or two, I get distracted by house issues or another big tennis event. And another month or two go by. This time several months have gone by wasted. Wimbledon, then the Olympics, and then the US Open. And now I have to start all over again from the start. It's like Sisyphus and the big boulder.

I can only wait for the end, hoping it comes fast for I don't see you coming to me before that. Everyone if afraid of the end, for me it's the only hope.

Since I am not doing anything of any use, you may as well establish me in the Self (whatever that may be) so I may be one with You, Father. I have no business in this world. May all beings be happy and peaceful. May my troubled and unhappy parents know and love You as soon as possible. Please protect my little ones and give them a happy life. May they reach You after this life, may they reach us, since I know You sent them to me with love, your most beloved children you sent to me, did you not.

(listening to srirupamanjiri)