How much longer under the shadow of the mind

13/05 1015 AM

Why this struggle about sadhana and disturbances?

If I am sincere, Self/Bhagavan will make sure I do what is required. He will protect me.

Who will i disappoint if i am not "realized" ? Is this something I am doing to impress others, to prove a point, to prove to all that I am not stupid, that finally I am wiser than all, or above all.
"I got it right, they didn't".

Is it a spiral intended to trap me?

I can keep doing Who Am I? and "I Am" in whatever circumstances present themselves, not making a big deal about "correct circumstances" etc.

Accept the situation and circumstance as Bhagavan's wish and remain in Self in all circumstances.

Is the "I" waiting for the "I" to vanish?
How will it know when that happens ?

1245PM

My mind generates thoughts of boredom, of "how much longer?".
How much longer will I (?) have to live under the shadow of the mind?

When will freedom from thought come? (Is this me, or just a thought)

The mind will allow me to do nothing to pass time, no entertainment, any longer, no socializing, no sensual enjoyment, no escape.
Which is all good, since I don't want to get addicted to activity again.

But during enquiry / "I am", there is this unease: "how much longer?"

I sit down willingly to do enquiry, but time passes very slowly, it just seems to stop.

I look forward to sleep time since I can "legally" shut off (without guilt).