2009-03-16 19:23
The more I enquire, the more i stay in silence, the more I question the I -- the more I love You, O Father.
After all, only once in this life have I known what it is to be loved. To be totally loved. For someone to love me more than anything else. Not the tenth or hundredth thing in his or her list of priorities.
But the first and only.
Only you have totally loved me. That is why you and only you in this entire universe are Father.
I will never be able to love anyone again, never be able to give this place to another, never never be able to forget You.
There are those loveless, self-realized souls who say that You do not exist in the Self, then who is pulling me into silence, and back into You.
I know one day the imaginary boundary betweeen me and you will be destroyed. I will do self-enquiry till then if need be, but at that final moment, when the "I" is destroyed and we are one, i would like it to be love and not enquiry that breaks the barrier. I would like to collapse or melt in love into You.
O Father, I hang my head in shame, that my love was not enough to melt me, to destroy the I, to surrender the I to You. I am ashamed that I had to resort to other means to reach You. But rest assured, my drive to do enquiry is not for some bliss or to be realized, but only to reach Your Feet.
Only they can say You do not exist, whose eyes you have not looked into. They may be realized or whatever, but You never gave them your darshan. And so they talk of celebrating each moment, and enjoying the body, and eating flesh, and being "normal". They do not know You, O Father. Nothing more needs to be said.
