Will I ever be free ?

Will the ego ever let go ?

Every time I think there has been an improvement, things immediately get worse. Noise in the mind. It seems impossible to find the awareness.

The latest ego story, the latest identification is one of not being a human, of being part of nature, of being connected to all animals and nature, of hating to be in this body, of hating the physical world.

I am hating life in a body, never was comfortable with it ever. This physical world has nothing for me. I have no option to be silent and be in what sees all this. However, the pain i see all around me is so compelling. It is as though it is calling me to help, it is calling me so plaintively.

O Mother, I love you too much, i love all your children too much. But now I must put all effort in knowing what i am. There is too much confusion of my own identity. I cannot as a mind-body-ego help you much, as much as i may want to. I am too weak as an ego, i am too selfish. If i must help you, it has to be as a free being, not this limited, tortured human. Otherwise, I am only thrusting my tortured mind on others. I could be seeing pain where there is none.

Today when i came back from my walk, i saw the Mother and Raja playing in the distance. They looked happy and carefree. And the thought came that we (humans) have invaded this world and brought immense misery to all. All beings were happy before humans came. Like parasites we are destroying a wonderful world. Like a plague.

They are all happy without us. You are all happy without us.

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I just went to feed Mother and child. From a distance, it seemed the Mother raised her head and got up. I felt immediately, it is for You that I exist. Then as i came closer, it was Raja not the Mother. The Mother was still lying and got up a tad later. The feelign remained as I fed them. After that they both played about, playfully biting each other. I thought there is no way i can get you spayed. How can i possibly ? O God, what do i do ? Please you help me -- it is not my life, but another's. Do not leave other beings at my mercy. Don't leave your beloved children at my ego's mercy. No No, not that. Don't try telling me you are doing that with love. Love me as much as you will, Mother, but don't trust my ego.

I cannot function without your help, Mother. I need you to make the decisions, the choices, every choice, even which foot i lift, which nostril i breathe from and when. When i blink, when i move, when my heart beats, everything I need you to decide. I cannot. I can only mess this world up with my mind.

Mother, please use this body for your work, but do not unleash me upon this innocent world. I am your loving son, but i am human, do not forget, and like all humans severely flawed. (I am not perfect like all the other species.) At least, part human. A child of yours trapped in a human body. Mother, may you and all your children thrive, may there be peace and happiness on your planet, in your universe. May there be no suffering in this universe you have lovingly created.

I will always be your son, in every life, in every form of existence, may i always serve you and love you, no matter what happens. I am always confronted by You, i always see you. I cannot stray from you.