seeking the source of this awareness

The only way to get out of this suffering, Father, is to seek the source of this awareness. I don't see any other way out. I can't keep promising myself that some bolt from the sky will magically free me, that some Godly being will suddenly pop up and deliver me, whatever that is.

I have to keep observing this awareness, no more just being present, or just coming back to silence. Sooner or later, the living force or whatever is here has to be seen clearly.

I have said this a thousand times, there is nothing, no thing or event or person or achievement that can bring me happiness, that can give me anything more that a moments relief and joy, everything can only give a false promise of happiness, nothing more than that.

SIlence comes and gives relief and a promise, too. But it goes and the underlying sensation of suffering or un-ease returns.