Recapping things - The Happiest Days of my life

Father
I cannot tell you how happy I am. These are the happiest days of my life. Mostly this is due to two reasons:

The primary is the silence and presence. This presence is full of love and joy and giving. The second reason is my two babies, Gabbar and Sher. I cannot tell you how crazily I am in love with them. There is nothing in the Universe dearer than them, nothing more beautiful. (It is sad that they spend their life in this searing heat, lying under parked cars, lying in puddles to keep themselves from over-heating. There is nothing better I can give them). I have never loved anything or anyone as much as I love them, for them I am eternally grateful.

Whenever I pray to you to bring me back into awareness, to help with enquiry, you always do so immediately. However, after a few days or weeks, when I feel I am improving and now there is no going back into the old state, I start relaxing and taking things easy. Thoughts start coming in and occupying a background. Usually spiritual thoughts and thoughts of judging society and mankind. Then something else happens and I get totally distracted. It could be illhealth in the family, hospitalization of a family member or as recently, the French Open.

Next thing I know, I am back in an identified state, altho the mind is saying that this is seen and the mind is seen to be arising in awareness. Then I finally frantically pray to You and you restore me.

If I am to unite with You, and to serve other beings, I need to finish this false self off for good, I need to stabilize in the Self for good and not keep coming back to square one. Am i too afraid to make the commitments required to be established in the truth? Is my desire for liberation too weak?

I know there will be no going back to the old state of being totally identified, there is no going back to the state of being swayed by what happens, no going back to deep suffering due to external circumstances. There will always be a stablity, and unfortunate incidents will always push me into presence.

A month or more back, I tried to introduced some formal, sitting meditation into my routine. It helped a lot but I immediately got a knee and hip issue (someone calls it sciatica) so i cannot cross my knee at all. No more formal meditation :( I still think sitting with back straight and meditating for some time is essential, and I cannot take sitting on chair much due to the circulation problems that happen.

For the last few days I have been reading (again) The Garden of Rama (3rd in the Rendezvous series) in the evening. When the time comes for parting, I always imagine my little babies there. It is unthinkable that I could part with them ever. Just impossible. In this huge, fantastic universe, there is nothing greater than these two babies. This is your finest and most perfect creation ever. And you gave your greatest ever creation to me, O Father.