Finish it now

Now it's a question of remaining silent, or perhaps just shutting down. It's like the dying embers. However, there is still a lot of times when there is non-acceptance or anger or rage at what is. This energy comes up and takes over. I fight to enquire, or just not pay attention and become silent. It works for a while but eventually i become tired and the energy of judgment and resistance takes over.

I (the mind!) largely feels that i am nearing the end of this "journey". Its just a matter of conquering this inner resistance. It appears that freedom is now round the corner, and its inevitable. All the struggle and the yearning and wanting to be free was just a mind game to delay. Being silent, being aware and being vigilant (of the I-thought) was all that was required. The ego is not required to make this happen. It only deters although it perhaps does bring us to the starting point of knowing that there is liberation, of bringing us to the teacher. After that it only hampers.

At this point, meditation and bhakti are one, there's no difference, and so is vipassana (the Buddhist practice of clear seeing). Bhakti is not the mind game of remembering a body form, but being in constant awareness of the inner silence which is the real Lord. And this inner silence is so clearly Mother and Father. Watching bodily sensation (imo) is also the same thing, because one is then immediately looking at what is watching these sensations. So vipassana is self-enquiry.

There was this fear that in silence or self-enquiry, bhakti would get diminished erased. But it's stronger, if anything. The crying and complaining is replaced with an immense gratitude. There is a resolve, perhaps mental, that liberation happen quickly so that this body may continue the work of helping others in liberation -- the resolution of The Buddha to liberate all beings.

Lord, it has been a painful journey, but whatever is here, whatever there is that I can call myself, pledges to you that it is always here to help you in your work of liberating all beings and ending all suffering. May You be victorious.