Please pull me in, Self

I feel your constant tugging, whatever I am doing I keep shutting my eyes and go into silent self-awareness.
I need to push everything else aside now, and dedicate myself totally to this. I need You to pull me in strongly now.

I am tired of false sadhanas, "sadhanas" that keep me in the mind or body. For a month or so, I have spent a lot of time just thinking and pondering about silence and awareness, fooling myself that thinking or discussing sadhana/self-enquiry is sadhana. Nothing other than self-awareness is sadhana.
Talking of other things as sadhana is like saying that You did not really want us to do Self-Enquiry, although You spoke of it for 50 years, told everyone to do it for half a century, but You did not really mean it. It is a deception. It is another way of keeping oneself imprisoned in the mind.

I feel I have grown in the last few month/s, facing the fact that there can never be any real happiness in activities, thoughts and accomplishments, and in whatever the mind runs after or thinks of, or promises me. I have been living in that state deeply. I think it may have deepened the renunciation, and desire / readiness to commit myself to SE. However, I do not really know -- maybe I was just fooling myself calling it a form of sadhana, and pretending I was progressing.

For a month, I have been living quietly, doing basic house work, nothing spiritual, no more spiritual hunger and craving, no more looking at the future as a place where happiness can possibly be, no more looking at things etc for happiness. I thought I had given up the so-called spiritual life for good, and was living peacefully.

However, it seems the Self or whatever is pulling me in again, like happened last November or so, around Deepam. I must heed your call. I must cut out all unnecessary activities and keep increasing the SE time.

Lord, if that is your wish, then take away all distractions and attractions. I can already feel that happening, but I give you clearance to pull me away from the activities that delight me. Let me not fail you, at this stage, after finally finding you, after being so close.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing in this world that I want. At least of all the things I know of, there is nothing that can give me lasting happiness. Of the things I do not know of, I cannot desire, since I do not know of them. I have no idea of realization and enlightenment, although I can imagine a totally peaceful, thought-free mind. I can imagine a state where there is no identification with a person.

Help me to not get trapped in false sadhanas, like thinking about sadhana, like reading about sadhana, like trying to accumulate more knowledge. Let there be practice, now.

Everything in this world only gives a moment's joy, including so-called sadhanas. I am tired of momentary joys, I cannot seek solace in them. These momentary joys then distract (detract?) from the practice you have given us. These momentary joys are painful for me, they feel poisonous and make me want to run away from them. These are all prisons.

Only silence does not (pain me). However, it is so fleeting, so easy to lose ...