My invisible beloved

Dear Beloved,

Came across DG's new blog -- i have been out of circulation for a long time now -- was reading several anecdotes -- it is so painful to read about those days -- like one has been torn apart from one's own mother, or one's heart has been cut out.

There was a time, we used to love reading these stories, loved reading Power of Presence, loved looking at all your pictures, and talking about you. We loved reading all those reminiscences -- now I do not have the courage to read more, I do not have the courage to even think much about you -- it is too painful, beloved Lord, day after day after day, week after week, month after month, thinking nothing but you, feeling you right here, living in You, while somehow pretending that the pain is not there, that it is okay to live without seeing you and hearing you, and fussing over you, and feeding you.

It is not. While there are sensory perceptions, to have them starved of you is NOT okay, it is hellish and torture. I cannot keep on pretending that it is okay to just remember you. I need you.

And thus, I have lived for some time, in a state of silence, in a state of mental "just being" where there is nothing, not even You, just a non-being, for at least the pain of your not being seen and heard was not there.

I have hidden from you and (almost) pretended you were not there ... as I could not, just could not accept any longer, a physical existence where you were not tangible. But would you let me hide .... you hide from me, but do you let me hide from you. You have come back and once again done something to me.

(So now) I peek at the reminiscences (on DG's blog) -- I can't even completely read them, it is moving, but painful, like a wound being reopened. Like being reminded of a lost mother, life is like walking around in a cemetery, everyone I knew is dead. All the familiar voices, sounds, the routine is all gone with the people. And so your voice, your words, your form, your eyes, and the rest of it, are all suddenly gone.

I have stopped going to the Kendra, stopped meeting your devotees, stopped everything because it was too much. But by coming back to me in my dreams, you have pulled me back, and reminded me that you are my father, and you will never leave me, even if your existence is only a knowledge my mind knows, but my senses are deprived of.

And so even though, i totally know that you exist, and are always with me, and are guiding every moment of my life, and will protect me no matter what mountains you have to move, I will have to suffer since I love you so much, but cannot see or hear or touch you. I will have to live in this hell where you exist invisibly.

The only respite that I have is being silent, being without thought (even enquiry reminds me of you) -- and I am pretty much tired of that path, since the Self still does not care to reveal even the tiniest glimpse of itself -- but it (silence)) is still the only means I (currently) have to blank out the pain of your not being sensed.