You will still be there

2008-01-07 18:50

I sit in self-enquiry. Its a pretty silent world here nowadays.

But, today, strangely, my life flashes in front of me. I see the life of the personality from childhood to now, very briefly.
The personality seeking happiness in various endeavours, various interests and occupations. And then there are the few years of seeking, visiting people, ashrams, even coming to the Ramanasramam hoping for some happiness.

There was love and a feeling of sadness for that personality that sought to find happiness.

I did not know whether this is part of the giving up process, or a trick of the mind to hold onto the personality.

Its like seeing the movie of someone else in suffering. Yes, there is pain for him who sought. But there can never be a going back, can there. What's over is over, is it not.

There was a some questioning. Do i want to hold on or not, am i ready to give it up? Yes, that was a romanticised version of the personality, of course, i did not see the immense pain the person went through, and will continue to, if hung onto. It was like objectifying the story, pretending it was real, pretending that there really was someone there. Someone tangible there.

Yes, there was a misconception there, a misconception made to look real by believing it was real. A dream living itself out. Like someone suffering from an incurable disease that fictitious person needs to be laid to rest finally.

I know that there will be only one thing left, one thing surviving the death of that personality - and that is You, beloved Father Ramana.

When all is over, after ego-death, after physical death, after every kind of possible death, You will still be there.
And love will be there. Your eyes will survive all deaths. Your twinkling eyes.

Will I ever know you completely ? When i look into Your eyes, i feel there is so much more to know. Will i ever get to explore every nook and cranny of you? Know you like the back of my hand. If you are endless, how will I ever know you completely ?