Urgency of a person drowning

2008-01-13 18:32

Beloved Lord,

i think i am beginning to understand what you meant when you said that Self-enquiry has to be done with the urgency of someone drowning.

How did you know, O Lord, who ceased to be a person at 16.

The mind is tired. Of itself? The mind realizes that it is suffering itself, it is the disease.

At times it is easier not to be in self-awareness, but to just be aware of breathing or of the hand, even though the body is dead and inert and insentient, for in doing so one pretends to be dead.

But somehow body-awareness pulls me back into self-awareness.

The mind is beginning to take on the stink or rot of a corpse. It is unbearable to be in the same place as it.

Existence is painful, it stinks of rot. Of life-long deceit.

You are too sweet Lord, and too loving, but you come with much difficulty. You are too hard to attain, for the weak and the weary.

O Self, my true nature, never once have you revealed yourself. What strength I would get from being my real Self for just a moment.