The pain that i have mentioned in previous blogs has gone! All I had to
do was to tell God about it. I then took a nap, and when i awoke, the
answer was there in my mind, and my mind and heart were light once
again, and laughing.
"You chose to experience this pain. Before you were born, you chose to have certain experiences. First you chose to experience what it is not to believe in God. For almost 40 years you experienced that, and were quite content in that experience. When you asked for me, I came into you. Then you chose to experience the pain of being separate from others, the pain of not being enlightened. When you had enough of that and told me, i freed you of that. Third, you chose to experience the pain of being separate from God, for which you had to first experience deeply loving God. Last
month, you were in state of such detachment that you would never have had that experience. So i gave you states of bliss, and near-union with Me. That made you experience the pain of being so close, and yet not being there. It was your choice. For several days you have wept in this pain, but today you told me to free you of it."
I laughed inside me. How could i ever have forgotten that we have chosen
all that happens. But i guess we have to keep forgetting this fact, so
that we can experience what we chose to experience. Its like in order to
enjoy a movie, you have to forget the fact that you are in a movie hall.
"What makes you think you were never enlightened, or you never knew me.
You have created this story about yourself, that you have for many lives been seeking God and not found Him. You enjoy the suffering and self-pity that story gives you."
It was almost like a hint, that i may have been awakened in previous
births, but have just for fun, decided to go thru the whole process of becoming
one with God all over again (Like watching a movie or hearing a symphony
again and again). For that i had to go through the charade of not
believing, and then of being separate.
Oh God, how lighthearted i feel once again.
I had also asked God yesterday for clarity on one point. The Buddha
speaks of not being attached. Yet, in India we have the path of Bhakti
(devotion), too. And i seem to be following both these, which today,
at the juncture I am at, seem to contradict. Should i try to
remove this attachment to you, or should i fervently pray and plead for oneness.
"You are and always were ONE with Me. You are me."
"Forget being my devotee. Forget pleading and weeping and finding a new excuse or avenue for suffering. There is nothing you can give me. Nothing. Just sit still and enjoy *my* love, my devotion to you.
Enjoy how I love you, and do nothing else."
Today, Beloved, i put on one bhajan[1], with a completely relaxed and free
mind, i sat still, and I felt your limitless love, i felt You hugging my
soul as though you loved nothing else, and wanted to do nothing else.
When i get back to "normal" life, i feel as though i am depriving You of
the opportunity to love me.
It is *You* who loves me helplessly, Lord, as
i am sure You love all beings, if only they would sit still and listen.
You look at me all day with love. Your eyes never shut. Your crazy smile
never wanes. Love me, beloved One, love me all you want, forever. We
have forever, you know. I will just sit and be loved.
[1] Mere man mandir - Vedic Chants
A little later...
Was that soul ecstacy or what ? I opened myself and an onslaught of love
came. In that deluge, all i could see deep inside me, was God. There was
just God, and nothing else. No me. There was no "Me" there. I just died,
just vanished suddenly.
There is just You. No more imagination of separation, no more
self-caused suffering, delusion of separation.
This blog should end here.
There is nothing more to say, or write.
