Dear Beloved God,
I am in bliss half the day, feeling you in me, in every cell of me, and
everywhere. I am also often in pain feeling the separation, since i am
still in the dual subject-object world.
My mind keeps asking me to keep still and not to ask, since i have
surrendered completely to You. Since everything is your grace, and since
you will come without fail.
But my heart cries out from behind for a final and complete union, like
a dog separated from his master, who is round the corner, whom he can
smell. Like a baby crying for its mother, it can't wait a single moment.
I so deeply need to completely awaken to You NOW.
Is this the darkest hour before dawn ?
11:15pm 11/8/2005 (a little later)
That may have been 11 minutes by the watch but it was way way longer
than 11.
What i feel in these moments of bliss may be my soul merging with the
cosmic consciousness, but it feels like two universes making love inside
me. By the time i pull myself out, i have lost the words to express it
..
I feel the universe loving me, and i love the entire universe. i feel
like the universe is dying to love me and merge with me, far more than
my wanting to merge with it. the universe is aching for me. the bliss or
love making doesnt stop. i grow tired, my facial muscles are tired from
holding the grimace, but it just goes on. some of me is saying
"stop", but then another part of me says "okay, go on... my beloved".
And it just goes on. i smile like a father whose child asked for 5
minutes on a swing but is taking ten. And then when i feel i just can't
take more, another round starts and i smile and say "okay, have more of
me". And it goes on. The universe doesnt want to stop. I am dying to put
my feelings down on paper, but the universe just wont stop...
That was 10 minutes by the human watch but it felt like an easy 20 or
30. If i had surrendered it might have felt like an eternity.
I lose myself totally in You in these moments, there is no me left. i
feel completely a part of you, like i have melted into you. i try to
find myself, but there's no me. just this often unbearable bliss that
just goes on. And when its unbearable is when it goes on and on.
"Every moment is ... God." - me, July 2005.
12/8/2005 11:53pm
So God knows how to play hanky-panky with Time! That was another 10
minutes by the watch, but it was clearly and undeniably 20 if not 25
minutes of bliss for me.
Thats a cool 100% of time-dilation or contraction or whatever the
scientific term should be.
So time with You is different from time on earth, without you. Time on
the spiritual plane can be far greater than the time on the physical
plane. Whew! When i go deeper it will be an eternity, each moment as
You.
