In the Lap of God

In the beginning of this month, Lord Arunachala came out of the blue, picked
me up and placed me in His lap. Since then i have been moving in and out
of periods of bliss and the most wonderful surrender imaginable.

But this stage is not about only bliss. There has been the intense pain of
separation from God as well. Even the few nanometers that separate me
from Him, feel like light-years thus causing anguish to the soul. My heart
feels like it is trying to tear out of my body and go surging up towards
our Him/Her.

And now that bliss that i spoke of in the last weeks, is not there,
there's more of the pain. Each morning i wake up, open my eyes and do a
check to see if the "I" is still alive. And yes it is. "Oh why dont you
die, wretched self" my soul cries out. "God, I am still alive, kill
"Me", kill it now".

I keep trying to locate that devil hidden deep somewhere in me, that
fugitive, keeping me from God, from my destiny. I am too exhausted to
find it.

This is not the agony of the self dying, it is the agony of finding that
the false self is still alive - that damn thief, that parasite sitting
in us, robbing us of the grandest experience of being One will all and
with God. Since childhood I have yearned for that false self to leave
me, and when that day is so tangible close, each moment seems like
years.

I know that now that He has appeared as Shiva, there must be some
purpose for His coming. Shiva is the destroyer - is He the destroyer of
the false self, of the ego - that's what i seem to think. So when He
destroys creation, He destroys creation which lies in the mind, in
thought, by destroying the ego. Ha Ha, how simple it seems now, how we
misjudged you, dear Shiva. We were taught you were some terrible God to
be feared. You are the one who actually saves us by destroying all
illusion. You are the good guy. i guess that thought gives me some
relief.

Blessed am I, my Lord, that You should take the trouble of calling me
Home, of calling me into Your heart. Blessed am I to be loved by You and
to fall in love with You. Blessed am i that You should walk right into
me, in order to awaken me.

I remember praying to You (You, as the Buddha) often to open Your eyes.
Today, you have come with your eyes permanently open, filled
with love, eyes that see deep into my soul, eyes that are always
laughing, full of passion and the fire of deep love.

These tears, that are always there, are of a sorrow that sees its end
near, the tears and the anxiety that precede a long-awaited reunion.

If You have come, then there is a purpose, a gauranteed outcome - You
are a Herald, Awakened One, and You can be the herald of only one thing
... The Herald of Awakening.

Tag: RamanaMaharshi