Who Am I ?

(Note: Looking back several years later, embarassing exaggerations exist -- starred -- but it was overwhelming at that time and did seem like the end, lol )

The process of "Dissolution"* started in the beginning of August 2005, with the sudden bursting in of Ramana Maharshi. On August 18th, i recorded that i had lost myself/ my identity to Him (see previous blogs). What was happening through August and September was complete* surrender to the Divine, a period of intense devotion and letting go.

This was a period of "Nothing matters - Everything is just an illusion, anyway" - this physical world was fading away. The need for a separate identity had suddenly gone - the need for a cell-phone, keeping up with old friends, talking with people, maintaining a web-presence, getting searched up on Google ... After looking into the eyes of Ramana, there was nothing left to say or know, and nothing to hear. All doubts, questions, worries faded away.

A tradegy in the family (Oct 1)- the passing away of my 4-month old niece- shook me out of this "all is illusion" reverie, reminding me of the intense suffering of those still caught in the illusion, how very tangible and real the pain is for thousands of families every day.

This triggered the first serious attempt at self-enquiry - starting with a deep internal query of "What is the truth, what is reality?". This led to the "Who Am I/ Who is this in pain?".

Two days ago, i was wondering whether i/the ego was faking this sense of the losing the self. Was this some wish-fulfillment act happening ? After further, almost constant, self-enquiry over the last 24 hours, i realized that the one who thought he existed, never did. It was a figment of some imagination, a delusion. The one who my family loved all these years, never existed. The one who loved them never really existed. Those who think they are my family only think they exist!
(This is very similar to the way "suffering" vanished in Feb/March 2005) [See].

This body eats, sleeps, feel hungry or tired, but thats not "I". I know what I am not, but at this stage I have no idea who "I" really am. Yes, mentally, i do know that according to the Buddha or the Gita, "I" is the unborn, but i do not have any experience of that. "I" have lost the illusion, but not found reality.
I know that this body is working on its own, i am not controlling it, i can't - i am completely unconnected to it, i never was connected to it. i do not know what this body will do or say in the next moment, it is not me. [1][2]

Suddenly, i realized that the Ramana i knew, wasn't. Yes, Ramana is a name for someone who knows "I", is "I", but i thought Ramana was that body which passed away in 1950. Both "I" and "He" are no longer understood.

Here I am reminded of a Zen story ...

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.

Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor's cup full, and then kept on pouring.

The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. "It is overfull. No more will go in!"

"Like this cup," Nan-in said, "you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?"

I wonder if this is my state. The false self is going/gone, and i am unassociated with anything. Does the self have to get cleared out, for the Self to become evident?


There are still some thoughts that come such as: if i retain certain likes and dislikes, does that mean that the ego/false self is still there? Or is it the body which is reacting afresh, retaining memory of past preferences? I am reminded of that story of 2 Chinese Zen masters who met.

"There once was a sage named Niu-T'ou Fa-Yung (Gozu Hoyu, Niutou Farong Fa-jung) 594-657, who lived in a lonely temple high in the mountains. He was visited one day by a wandering monk, T'ao Hsin, the Fourth Patriarch of the Chinese Lineage of Ch'an. As the two were talking a wild animal roared close by, T'ao Hisn, a fully Enlightened monk, jumped. "I see it is still with you," said the Fa-Yung...refering, of course, to the instinctive "passion" of fright. Shortly afterwards, while he was unobserved for a moment, T'ao Hsin inscribed the Chinese character for the Buddha on the rock Fa-Yung was accustomed to sit. When the sage returned to sit down he saw the sacred Name and hesitated to sit. "I see," said T'ao Hsin, "it is still with you!"


Footnotes:
[1] Events happen, deeds are done, there is no individual doer thereof - Buddha

[2] - "Tom, Dick, and Harry think they have written the books that they sign (or painted the pictures, composed the music, built the churches). But they exaggerate. It was a pen that did it, or some other implement. They held the pen? Yes, but the hand that held the pen was an implement too, and the brain that controlled the hand. They were intermediaries, instruments, just apparatus. Even the best apparatus does not need a personal name like Tom, Dick, or Harry." - The Wanderling